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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really hurt and upset regarding an unwanted gift?

334 replies

EdSheeransGString · 12/12/2014 18:55

My DP has been going on and on since last year about a playstation 4. He wanted one but said he was going to wait until they came down in price a bit.
Anyway, he didn't buy one so I have been saving for months to buy him one for Christmas.

He has been a bit stressed recently so I thought I'd buy it and give him it early to cheer him up a bit.

I paid £350 for it, which may not seem like a lot of money but to me it's a huge amount, I'm really struggling at the moment and I've been saving since may.

He came home from work, I had spent most of the afternoon cooking a meal (I'm hopeless in the kitchen, cooking is not my strong point) to be met with him asking me what the fuck I'd tried to cook and that he wasn't risking it he was going to get a takeaway. Fair enough, it probably wasn't that great a meal anyway but I'd spent a while preparing it so I was a bit upset.

I then gave him the playstation and straight away he started moaning that I hadn't bought the right games, that it only had one control pad and why had I not paid for the online membership you need to play with your mates online? I had no idea that you even needed to pay to go online.

I burst into tears and I've been upset for the past hour. OK he doesn't like it, i bought the wrong one but surely he could at least have said thank you? He knows how skint I am and i told him how long it took me to save for it. Sad

He has been in his bed for the past hour, we won't see him again tonight so I can package it all back up but I've called argos and they won't let me return it because I stupidly set it up for him to use straight away, thinking he would be happy and could spend the evening relaxing.

Am I being pathetic?

OP posts:
SouthBySouthWest · 13/12/2014 09:25

I am so angry on your behalf!

There is no way, whichever way you look at it, that this could be considered a good relationship. You do not deserve this, and are worth so much more.

Like others here, I don't normally post on these kind of threads (mostly because there are other posters that have so much more experience and knowledge and I don't feel my voice would make a difference), but I felt I had to say something.

The way you are living is not normal, good or healthy, for you or your DCs. I can't see one thing that your 'D'P brings to the relationship. He has only negative value Do you love him? Or only feel grateful because he deigned to be in a relationship with you? Do you feel any love from him?

I just want to reach through the screen, give you a big hug, and push his useless, abusive arse out the front door, and lock it behind him. Then make you a cup of tea, and tell you what a wonderful job you are doing with your DCs and what a gift you would be giving them by not putting up with his abuse any more.

He is sucking the life out of you and it's only going to get worse as your self esteem is eroded even more.

It sounds like you would have family support if you kicked him out. Are they local? Do you have friends you could call on to be there if you needed back up to get him to leave? How would he respond to you standing up for yourself? How far would he go, and would you be scared of him?

Slutbucket · 13/12/2014 09:34

You are amazing! You won't miss him it's you and only you keeping this show on the road. You are wasting your time with this excuse of a man and denying yourself a chance of happiness. Get your brave girl pants on get this arsehole out if your life.

thatsmyname123 · 13/12/2014 09:44

So sorry you have to deal with such a horrible idiot!
Don't tell them you think you're getting too much in benefits, kick him out (house is in your name so get rid)then speak to someone about your benefits and claim whatever else you can. Don't feel bad about it, see it as temporary until you are back on your feet and free of him. He is giving you and your daughters NOTHING, you'd surely be happier on your own
I hope you have support irl and feel happier soon xxx

BadLad · 13/12/2014 09:46

My mind has been boggling throughout this thread at each new low that this wanker reaches. But the post that you daren't go to bed in case you wake him up and get a bollocking is probably the lowest point I've read on the forum. What an absolute shit. Do yourself a favour, and sling him out (which I realise is easier said than done) but you will be glad you did.

HenriettaTurkey · 13/12/2014 09:47

This is just awful...treat yourself and the kids to a newly independent Christmas this year.

It's your house and he needs to be out of your life.

TeddyBee · 13/12/2014 09:57

Hi OP - do you have someone who would help you sell it? I'd hate for you to be taken advantage of (again). Obviously the best would be to take it back to Argos and tell a little white lie to get your money back (several suggestions already) but if you're not comfortable with that, eBay is your best bet. Gumtree fine if someone can be with you when they collect, but for a PS4 I would slightly worry about some cocking arsewipe turning up and trying to negotiate you down on the price xx

DaisyFlowerChain · 13/12/2014 10:06

RJ, it will take seconds for the OP to check her paperwork. It could be IS though, £250 a month not week would equate to the benefits being paid and would show less than 16 hours worked to qualify. So maybe they have taken the £259 as a months salary not weekly.

If it's wrong, it needs sorting. The OP is not single and the DWP won't class her as single either as she's in a relationship. It doesn't matter if he doesn't hand over his salary, it's still classed as household income.

The OP needs to make a fresh start on her own but it's having the strength to do so. Buying an expensive present for a partner knowing your are struggling to get gifts for the children shows that she values him highly. That's going to be hard to turn around.

spiritofthetime · 13/12/2014 10:44

Try to return the PS4 or sell it on ebay. Ditch your DP now. He's a waste of space who isn't bringing anything to the table except grief for you.

Grumpyoldblonde · 13/12/2014 11:00

God, you poor woman, you sound utterly worn down by this excuse for a man, pp is right, you obviously do value him and tried to make him happy with this expensive gift, a gift he has thrown right back in your face. You wont ever make him happy you know? and it is not your job to, your job is to make your children's lives happy, not a grown man who, harsh as it sounds, has no feelings for you, he does not respect you, or probably even like you, if he did he would not treat you this way. You provide a home and meals, childcare and cleaning, you are his housekeeper not his partner.
Please get rid of him, he adds bugger all to your life except grief, worry and stress.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/12/2014 11:05

Op dependant on exactly what benefit you get its highly likely your payments are correct.

Even if they weren't contrary to what a previous poster said it is against the law to take a joint claim over payment from a single claim. There are far more affordable ways to do it AND there is a clause within their reclaiming that states if you provided the correct information in a timely fashion and you couldn't have known it was incorrect then they can't claim it back. If you would be happy to PM me details I am more than happy to look over them and if there is a mistake on their behalf to help you not pay it back legally.

Tiredemma · 13/12/2014 11:10

What a truly horrible man.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/12/2014 11:22

Daisy

Unless i have you mixed up with another poster you are always quite quick to imply fraud or error with anything to do with benefits.

This is frightening and intimidating to vulnerable posters and often you are not correct. The op has given no information that implys she is either claiming as a lone parent or that they have mistaken her for one.

Do you have to be so rabid just because benefits are mentioned.

So far 2/3 posters on this thread who (if my memory serves me correctly) have significant professional benefit advice experance have said it may well be correct.

Perhaps it would be kinder to focus on supporting the op to break away from a clearly abusive relationship instead of advising her to do something that could leave her without access to any cash for 6-8 weeks over the festive period making it harder to get rid of him when she is under no legal obligation to place herself in that situation.

RJnomore · 13/12/2014 11:24

Merry Christmas sock.

trixymalixy · 13/12/2014 11:29

Kick this cocklodger into touch! You would be better off without him.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/12/2014 11:44

And to you as well RJ

MissBattleaxe · 13/12/2014 11:48

EdSheeran. The best Christmas present you can give to yourself and your kids is to get this man out of your life.

You seem pathetically grateful that he is your partner and it should be the other way around. Plan to leave and use the wise and kind Mumsnetters on here that will talk you through any wobbles.

Not only are you being emotionally and financially abused until you can't see straight, but you are giving your kids a relationship blueprint that they might end up replicating, thinking its the "norm".

There is a lot of help available and Mumsnet is a mine of helpful women who have been in your shoes and can tell how to get to the other side.

My heart goes out to you.

Fallingovercliffs · 13/12/2014 11:51

I've only read your first post OP but your DP sounds like a horrible, selfish and deeply immature man.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2014 11:57

Op how are you? Please tell us that you have dumped this loosers sorry ass Flowers.

springydaffs · 13/12/2014 12:53

oh yes, PLEASE come back and tell us you've got rid of this slug.

He is COMPLETELY using you. Do you know what a cocklodger is? One who stays in someone's house and doesn't pay his way at all - basically free lodging - and keeps all his money to himself. He didn't like your cooking (bastard!) and said he'd get a takeaway.. but can't afford to buy presents for you or the kids 'because he doesn't have enough money'. I wouldn't mind free board and lodging, quite frankly. Who wouldn't? it would save me a FORTUNE.

Sorry for shouting. Your posts have got me quite choked up. Darling, PLEASE get him out. Like, NOW.

He's a fucking shit of a man. How dare he blatantly use you like this and throw the present you so carefully saved for for months and months, when you are so strapped (BECAUSE OF HIM LEECHING OFF YOU), in your face.

Get rid. Go on the Freedom Programme. A lovely life awaits you xxx

MsFeckIt · 13/12/2014 13:19

One more voice to add to the many that your (hopefully now ex) partner is an abuser and a controlling bastard. IME, (and I have personal experience of this) people like this use gift giving as a particularly specific and vicious method of exerting their control and superiority over their partners, and it's usually Christmas when they are at their worst. I dearly hope that the reason you are not back on MN today is that you are busy liaising with family, police, and women's aid in safely kicking him out and keeping him out.

ScrumpyBetty · 13/12/2014 13:59

I so glad you've been given some good advice and support on here, and it is unanimous - please kick the loser out!!
Sending you hugs OP xx

jackstini · 13/12/2014 14:44

My first ever LTB but blimey it could not be any other answer!

Really hope you are doing it now and you come back and tell us how wonderful it is to be rid of such a waste of space

You and your DC deserve a whole lot better x

jackstini · 13/12/2014 14:48

My first ever LTB but blimey it could not be any other answer!

Really hope you are doing it now and you come back and tell us how wonderful it is to be rid of such a waste of space

You and your DC deserve a whole lot better x

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2014 15:06

Ed its not just the Xbox, its the whole way he treats you, like your the dirt on his shoe. He has really worked on you, your scared to go to bed incase you wake him up and he gives you a bollocking. He's abusive, not only emotionally, but financially, by living off you and not contributing anything for the bills or HIS children. He is a life sucking leech. Please empower yourself, get your family/friends round while you dump him and get the hell out of your house. This is the best Christmas present you will give to yourself and your dd. Don't get into another relationship until you have done that Freedom Programme, and have been single for a bit, because you risk falling into another abusive relationship.

Do this also for your dds, you want them to repeat the cycle of abuse, and get into abusive relationships because they have seen it growing up.

tawdryslapper · 13/12/2014 15:32

I couldn't read and run, I had to chuck in my opinion (which is exactly the same as everyone else's really....). Please, please, love, chuck him out. it seems terrifying now, but I promise you, things will start to improve immeasurably as soon as that door shuts behind him. He is a horrible, horrible man, and he simply doesn't deserve someone as thoughtful and caring as you.

If you live in Beds, Herts or Bucks I will come round and stay with you as moral support when you chuck him out if you like. Seriously.