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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really hurt and upset regarding an unwanted gift?

334 replies

EdSheeransGString · 12/12/2014 18:55

My DP has been going on and on since last year about a playstation 4. He wanted one but said he was going to wait until they came down in price a bit.
Anyway, he didn't buy one so I have been saving for months to buy him one for Christmas.

He has been a bit stressed recently so I thought I'd buy it and give him it early to cheer him up a bit.

I paid £350 for it, which may not seem like a lot of money but to me it's a huge amount, I'm really struggling at the moment and I've been saving since may.

He came home from work, I had spent most of the afternoon cooking a meal (I'm hopeless in the kitchen, cooking is not my strong point) to be met with him asking me what the fuck I'd tried to cook and that he wasn't risking it he was going to get a takeaway. Fair enough, it probably wasn't that great a meal anyway but I'd spent a while preparing it so I was a bit upset.

I then gave him the playstation and straight away he started moaning that I hadn't bought the right games, that it only had one control pad and why had I not paid for the online membership you need to play with your mates online? I had no idea that you even needed to pay to go online.

I burst into tears and I've been upset for the past hour. OK he doesn't like it, i bought the wrong one but surely he could at least have said thank you? He knows how skint I am and i told him how long it took me to save for it. Sad

He has been in his bed for the past hour, we won't see him again tonight so I can package it all back up but I've called argos and they won't let me return it because I stupidly set it up for him to use straight away, thinking he would be happy and could spend the evening relaxing.

Am I being pathetic?

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 12/12/2014 22:31

Please also pack up the PS4 and hide it from him so you can sell it. A selfish twat like that might look to play with it after all. Don't tell him, mind. Let it be a nice surprise for him. bastard.

ilovelamp82 · 12/12/2014 22:33

Wow! This must be so hard for you. Bit this man does not love you. He is abusing you. Kick him out before your kids start to think this is normal and end up in equally shitty relationships themselves.
Your self esteem will get better when you've got rid of tgis abuser.

Definitely get onto women's aid again. I'm so sorry you're living this nightmare. At least the place is in your name. You can kick him out and reassess your benefits asa single person pronto.

Be careful though. He's got it so good where he is, he probably won't leave easily, so try to have someone with you when youkick him out and change the locks straight away.

You can do it. You're worth so much moe than this. You have one life. Don't waste a second more of it with this twat (don't usually use that word, but can't think of a better word than that for him)

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2014 22:37

Totally agree snowspot, op H is abusing her, her self esteem is so shot tgat she is asking us whether she is pathetic, and almost apologising for getting him the wrong present Sad. After op has gotten him a fantastic present that he wanted, he had the nerve to moan about op getting the wrong games, and not paying extra for x box live. He has in return never got her a birthday present or card, or Christmas present! This is not a living and respectful relationship, but an emotionally abusive one! Do something for yourself and kick him out! New year New fantastic life op!

peasandlove · 12/12/2014 22:46

what a vile man. You're better off on your own, seriously. What will be the difference anyway? You're already supporting yourself.

ellenjames · 12/12/2014 22:56

bless you he sounds horrid. Please don't stay with him and let your dc's think that this abusive relationship is normal. Good luck to you, you will be so much happier just you and your dc's.

AnneOfCleavage · 12/12/2014 23:07

You poor love. As everyone above has said already, you do need to get out... and do it quickly before he tries to sweet talk his way back in.

So thankful he's a DP and not a DH as you now have no worries about getting rid immediately with no paperwork needed.

Hide the PS4 as he will either want to keep it anyway or try and sell it for the monetary value. Spend it on your darling daughters, they so deserve it more as do you.

Don't change your benefit claim whatever you do as you don't see a penny of what he earns but they won't see it that way as he lives with you and they'll think your a chancer. Make sure you get maintenance from him for DD2 as it's the least you/she deserves.

Know too that you will be okay, you will feel truly liberated when this dead weight is lifted. You owe it to yourself and your DD's.

I am spitting feathers about how ungrateful he is and to think you're on the sofa because he has the bed and you may wake him getting in to it. Words fail me. GET RID OF HIM ASAP, we're all behind you.

You can have a lovely partner. I kissed a few frogs before DH came along and nearly dumped him for being too nice ffs but we have an equal relationship and he thinks he's the lucky one as do I and that's how it should be. Give and take and mutual respect.

Do let us know how you get on, we're all rooting for you.

CocktailQueen · 12/12/2014 23:12

Chuck this cock-lodger out tomorrow. What does he contribute? no money, no niceness, nothing positive to your life that I can see. Hugs, OP.

drbonnieblossman · 12/12/2014 23:27

OP I hope you're ok there. Since reading this earlier you've played on my mind.

You will be so much happier with him gone. He's a nasty piece of work, truly. He has ground you down, battered your self esteem and controlled you.

Focus on the future, on having freedom to enjoy life, on letting your girls see their mum is an amazing woman bringing them up to be confident and happy and secure - it's the best thing a parent can do for a child.

The help is there (and here) so grab it Smile

Moreshabbythanchic · 12/12/2014 23:28

I dont normally post on threads like this but I am so angry for you. Please love, you are worth so much more than being treated like this. Dont think that just because you are overweight you must be grateful for whatever crumbs he throws your way, he really doesn't deserve a lovely, caring person like you.

As so many others have said, please pack his stuff and get rid of this cocklodger, he is just using you and you and your dcs will be so much happier without him.

KatriKling · 12/12/2014 23:57

Complete agree with the gist of all the posts here, he's a complete arse and he doesn't deserve anything from you. I particularly agree with snow, reading your posts about what he's like and how you appear to be treading on eggshells just shouts out oppressive, abusive, git.

Get some help to rebuild your self-esteem, staying with him is eroding it — and I wonder if he's the one that's made you feel bad about how you look — a classic move to keep you in your place.

I really hope you find the strength and courage to get rid off this parasite. He's a taker, not a giver or even a darling partner.

On a practical note, you will get a much fairer price for the xbox if you ebay it, very close to what you paid for it -- CEX will pay you well under its resale value. I've sold stuff similar to this on ebay and offered the receipt as part of the listing so that people can benefit from the 1 year guarantee. If you're not an ebayer yourself, perhaps a trusted friend or someone in the family can do it for you?

KatriKling · 12/12/2014 23:58

Sorry, I meant PS4!

PhaedraIsMyName · 13/12/2014 00:11

(I'm hopeless in the kitchen, cooking is not my strong point) to be met with him asking me what the fuck I'd tried to cook and that he wasn't risking it he was going to get a takeaway. Fair enough, it probably wasn't that great a meal anyway

Reading that makes me sad. It is so far away from being "fair enough" I can't even begin to explain. Stop putting yourself down. You are not the one in the wrong. Get rid of him.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/12/2014 00:33

Sorry my last post sounded grumpy. Just so frustrating to see you pouring hot coals on yourself.

What you need to be doing is stopping the man treating you like shit - not standing shoulder to shoulder with him joining in!

differentnameforthis · 13/12/2014 02:59

and he works hard for his cash why should he give it to me? I suppose he has a point there

Does he pay anything towards his own daughter? Food? Bills?

He is a free loader. You are basically doing it all alone anyway, he acts like a child/lodger, so why not do it all alone! You will be much happier!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 13/12/2014 03:19

Your exit strategy is simple.

Pack as much of his crap as you can, hand it to him, tell him he can get the rest later.

He's a cocklodger of the worst variety.

Do nothing about your benefits other than making sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to once he is gone. Get yourself back out into a job as soon as you can, for your own sanity.

Claim csa for the child that is his.

He hasn't been paying for his rent, keep or his child...how the actual fuck can either of you justify that situation?M

Madness. Kick him out now and don't look back!

You CAN do it and you must or your children will be very damaged growing up like this, let alone what it's doing to you.

If I were you I'd pack the game up and take it back to Argos I store, tell them it's not working. Trust me, it's a pin prick in the ocean to them and you need a full refund. Just learn from this.

Be strong.

MrsMarcJacobs · 13/12/2014 04:23

I feel sorry that you have spent so much money on a useless piece of cr*p (I wish I was talking about the Playstation). you deserve so much better.

Beinghere · 13/12/2014 05:00

Firstly hide the playstation. Make sure he does not get his hands on it. He is likely to start playing with it in the morning and making a big deal over how he needs to buy membership etc.

Also if you do try to sell the ps on eBay or gumtree explain exactly why it is up for sale. You could even copy and paste the mums net header for this thread in the sale details. I am sure you would get more money bid if you put it on EBay if people saw why the item was for sale.

makapakasdirtysponge · 13/12/2014 05:12

I'm so sad for you OP, hearing how terribly he treats you and his children (what sort of father won't even give or buy his own child he shares a house with anything), but I'm also happy that you have a chance here to make your life so much better.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 13/12/2014 05:32

Hope your ok opHmmThanks

ohdearitshappeningtome · 13/12/2014 05:33

If he doesn't contribute anything to the house, what does he spend "his" money on?

TheQuibbler · 13/12/2014 06:45

I am so pleased for you that you are starting to see that you can leave this man.

He sounds awful :(

The Freedom programme is a must for you and you should talk to Woman's Aid anyway as he is abusing you horribly and they can support you while you work out how to make things better for you and your daughters.

It is not easy to get out and it must feel scary to think about, but you would be doing the right thing.

Honestly, you do deserve to be treated well. You are worth more than the nonsense this man is giving you and it will get better when you get rid of him.

Chin up, lovely. You can do it!

ErnesttheBavarian · 13/12/2014 07:04

Sweetheart, imagine doing this for the next 2/5/10 yearsSad..I can promise you, the effect on your dc will be deep rooted and Kong lasting. My step dad was like this (with the sulking and taking to his bed etc) it had a huge effect on me. Unless he has to get up at 4 am I' be no understanding of or sympathy for an adult regularly going to bed at 6 pm either that's just weird and tbh I think would also have an effect on you and your dc. And never in my whole life have I come across such outrageous reaction to cooking or gift. Really.

He is so much older then you and you are so young and sound so lovely and thoughtful and generous.

You say your family don't like him. I can imagine why! Please get them to help you chuck him out today. Really today. I bet it'll be your dc best ever Christmas. I bet they are walking on egg shells around this genuinely nasty sounding man.

I grew up with a shit of a step dad. And it still affects me to this day. I still have Flash backs to how he treated my mum. And tbh he wasn't as bad as you describe your 'd' pSad.

I hope you get the help and support you need to do this right now.

MagratsLongWhiteBeard · 13/12/2014 07:25

You OK OP?

How are you feeling? It can be strange to start a thread and the whole of mn comes on it and is in agreement about what you should do and it's bloody rare for mn to be in agreement

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 13/12/2014 07:38

Your life sounds so hard :(
It doesn't need to be. Kick him out and you will get all your rent paid and a much easier life. You can get a job and pay for childcare when you need it. You and your children will be so much happier.

tobysmum77 · 13/12/2014 07:45

350 is loads by anyone's standards. I consider myself to be reasonably well off but I have never spent that much on dh (or anyone) and I've never been given such an expensive gift. Anyone normal would consider it their responsibility to pay for the extras.

Sad Sad Sad You deserve better op.