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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When strangers touch your children?

142 replies

FluffyPingPong · 10/12/2014 10:00

I was on a bus into town yesterday, which goes around the houses and through a not-so-nice estate. It was 11am and a male and female were on the bus in their dressing gowns, being very loud and presumably drunk. As the bus pulled through to the estate, the couple stood up to get off. The male stopped next to my 1 year old son in his pushchair, and began stroking his cheek. It was obviously meant in a friendly way, but it made me so uncomfortable! I wanted to tell him not to touch my son, but I feared I would offend him and he would react negatively towards me. My husband is disgusted that I did not speak up, saying that he could have all kinds of germs or nasty diseases. I don't think he understands it from a lone female's point of view. Although I do wish I had said something. Can anyone share their experiences? Or if it hasn't happened to you, WWYD?

OP posts:

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 10/12/2014 10:04

I am perfectly happy with random strangers touching my children but not drunk ones. I completely understand why you didn't say anything - it's just not worth the risk. If he'd turned nasty that would have been far more upsetting for your child, and potentially dangerous given that he was already close enough to touch him. You did the right thing.

Fudgeface123 · 10/12/2014 10:04

'not so nice estate', 'presumably drunk', 'he could have all kinds of germs or nasty diseases'

Nice OP, nice.

What exactly do you think he was going to pass on...poorness?

DustInTheWind · 10/12/2014 10:05

Everyone has germs and nasty diseases, especially at this time of year and regardless of where we live.
If my partner was such an over-protective arse, I wouldn't have bothered telling him what happened.
The man did you and your baby no harm, no more than if he'd been an over-touchy-feely lavender-scented member of the WI.
People touching small children happens all the time, they are usualy irritating but not scary.

CocktailQueen · 10/12/2014 10:05

What do you think he's going to pass on? What germs would he have on his hands that nobody else does?

Have a

CorporateRockWhore · 10/12/2014 10:10

Oh I hate these posts on MN. What do you think will happen if someone touches your child's cheek for a second?

In real life most people would see it as affectionate, kind and a sign that there are nice people around in the world. Not a fucking insult.

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2014 10:13

Oh that's it now, your baby's going to catch a severe dose of the Chavs.

He's doomed...

I don't mind sober people touching my children as long as my children are happy with it.

Original poster

FluffyPingPong · 10/12/2014 10:13

fudgeface I say "presumably drunk" because they were stumbling around up & down the bus, wearing dressing gowns at 11am on public transport.
The "not-so-nice estate" is actually part of the estate I live in, but it is an area known for trouble.
And his hands were actually blackened with dirt so no, "poorness" wasn't top on my list of fears of things he could pass on...

OP posts:

Footlight · 10/12/2014 10:14

. It was obviously meant in a friendly way

There you go, no harm done.

TimelyNameChangey · 10/12/2014 10:15

Oh come on Mumsnet! Stop picking on the OP.

Are you all SERIOUSLY telling us that YOU'D be happy with a drunk man in his dressing gown stroking your child's cheek!?

Pull the other one.

OP it's a learned skill. Next time you go with your instincts and put your hand in the way. Say "He's a bit nervous of strangers" with a smile.

Then play it by ear.

Frusso · 10/12/2014 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimelyNameChangey · 10/12/2014 10:16

Foot What the OP is asking in reality is how to deal with this should it happen again.

As parents we often have to learn the skills needed to protect our children in situations which are uncomfortable and which good breeding would usually prevent us from speaking out in.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 10/12/2014 10:18

Yes, we must protect our little darlings from the unclean

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2014 10:23

What the hell does the dressing gown have to do with this?

I wouldn't be happy with a drunk man/woman stroking my child, even if they were wearing a business suit.

Original poster

FluffyPingPong · 10/12/2014 10:24

THANKYOU Timely, for your suggestion, I will definitely do that, should it ever happen again

OP posts:

hissingcat · 10/12/2014 10:25

I wouldn't have liked it either from tge point of view nobody woild think it ok to go round touching random adults so why is it ok to do it with children?
I would have done the same as you and said nothing.
I wouldn't be worried about germs.

hissingcat · 10/12/2014 10:25

Apologies for typos

Sheitgeist · 10/12/2014 10:28

No harm done, OP... the man saw your DS and found him cute and appealing, he meant him no harm.

And the dirt? Gosh mine were all filthy 1 YOs, with their hands on the floor with crawling, digging in dirt etc.

I appreciate it made you feel uncomfortable though, and Timely's right, what you really need to do is learn ways of politely deflecting this behaviour in future should the need arise.

DustInTheWind · 10/12/2014 10:29

I wouldn't be ecstatically happy about it, but it's about realising exactly how bad having a cheek stroke is on the 0-10 scale of maternal paranoia.
So next time, you could deflect the attention as Timely suggests.
Having been a posh southerner bringing up my PFB on a rough estate in the NW, I used to keep the rain cover on more than necessary. But it stopped the the threats of fags, dogs and possibility of beverage-spillage to the minimum. Along with touching.

Footlight · 10/12/2014 10:37

What choices do you have on a bus?

No one in their right mind is going to challenge 2 happy drunks that are about to get off the bus, just for admiring a baby. The safest option seemed to have been to ignore/smile and wait for them to get off. And that's what op did. No harm done.

If they had been aggressive, challenging, threatening etc, a different reaction would have been needed. But it wasn't.

I doubt this will be the last time this kind of thing happens.

About 3 weeks ago a very manic lady took a complete shine to my dd and kept following her round tesco trying to stroke her hair. Dd was terrified, but is 11 so didn't really show it. I could tell, but the lady couldn't (for various reasons). Anyway, I had a nice chat with the lady (about dd's hair) and when I had managed to get her to let go of dd's plaits I put my arms around dd, wished the lady a very nice day and legged it.
The lady didnt mean any harm but the whole thing shook dd up. We abandoned the shopping and went for coffee and cake and a big fat discussion about mental illness, tolerance and private space.

To bolster the discussion, I told her about the day a homeless person had given me a 20p coin 'to buy her sweets' when she was a baby. She was a beautiful baby with big brown inquisitive eyes and for some reason resonated with this old guy. He clearly needed the money himself, but was insistent.

Often the best approach is to engage or be passive, not always challenge. Op, I think you handled it exactly the way you should have.

DixieNormas · 10/12/2014 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2014 11:06

Yanbu at all, I would not be happy with a drunk loud man touching my child. He might have nasties on his hand, if he does drugs, or smoke, more than a sweet elderly person.,

Mousefinkle · 10/12/2014 11:13

Would it be reasonable for a drunk OR sober stranger to stroke an adults face? How would you feel if anyone but especially a drunk quite loud, dirty and threatening person came up to you on public transport and stroked your face? Would you like it? No, thought not. Therefore why is it acceptable for strangers to do the same to defenceless babies and children?

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2014 11:18

I don't mind myself, but because of them being drunk, they are more likely to be agressive or unpredictable.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2014 11:18

How does op know, that he will not grab hold of her baby and shake him,

Footlight · 10/12/2014 11:19

I don't think anyone's saying it is acceptable mouse. But these things do happen to kids and the discussion is how best to deal with it.

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