When strangers touch your children?

[FluffyPingPong]

I was on a bus into town yesterday, which goes around the houses and through a not-so-nice estate. It was 11am and a male and female were on the bus in their dressing gowns, being very loud and presumably drunk. As the bus pulled through to the estate, the couple stood up to get off. The male stopped next to my 1 year old son in his pushchair, and began stroking his cheek. It was obviously meant in a friendly way, but it made me so uncomfortable! I wanted to tell him not to touch my son, but I feared I would offend him and he would react negatively towards me. My husband is disgusted that I did not speak up, saying that he could have all kinds of germs or nasty diseases. I don't think he understands it from a lone female's point of view. Although I do wish I had said something. Can anyone share their experiences? Or if it hasn't happened to you, WWYD?

Well surely Aero she'd stop 'him' at that point!!!!

What a daft comment

I'm surprised that you are getting a hard time OP. The situation would make me nervous as an adult and I hate being touched by strangers and even friends and family so I am sure I would not like my child being touched either. I'm also very nervous of drunks, or people acting as if they may be drunk, be it cheerful or aggressive ones, because drunk people are unpredictable, drunk strangers even more so. Timely's suggestion is perfect and one I will adopt in future.

Its not, some people would freeze with shock, it has happened.

I think the op is having an unfair time here. I would have also felt very uncomfortable with a couple if drunks touching my baby. Like you op, I would have also been wary of saying something. I generally didn't mind strangers cooing over my baby, but this is a little different.

He was just being nice. What kind of diseases does your husband think a baby can pick up by someone stroking their face? He's far more likely to pick something up by touching the seats or rails in the bus.

If somebody has obviously dirty hands it's not vanishingly unlikely that they didn't wash their hands after the last time they wiped their nose or went to the loo, is it? And while stroking a baby's face doesn't generally involve touching its mouth, a drunk person is going to be clumsier than usual.

I can't believe I'm arguing from this POV, tbh - I'm normally the most chilled person ever about hygiene and strangers touching my kids, but he was drunk! And had visibly dirty hands!

Obviously if the OP's baby picked up a cold or a tummy bug it wouldn't be the end of the world, but given how careful we're all meant to be about hygiene at this time of year it hardly seems unreasonable that it made her uncomfortable. Not a terrible thing to happen, but something you'd prefer to avoid.

What a ghastly experience!

I would not like anyone to lay hands on my child without my express permission: how hard is it to ask ,'May I'?

I know many people will hand out a festive biscuit to me but it really is common assault and we need to make sure that no one can go around stroking or petting children, without a by or leave to the parent.

In this case it sounds fairly innocent, although unhygienic but how do we truly know what a stranger's motives may be?

Zero tolerance from me on this issue

It seems to be an unpopular opinion on mumsnet but I never think it's ok for random strangers to touch DS without his or my permission.

We put so much emphasis on teaching children about boundaries and that their bodies are their own yet expect them to be ok with random people on the street stroking them?

I'd hate it if I went out and people I didn't know kept touching me. DS has particularly impressive hair that seems to attract unwanted hand but I've developed a tough skin and will usher him away from outstretched hands. I don't need to offer any excuses about him being shy around strangers etc. because they shouldn't be randomly touching someone they don't know.

Germs and nasty diseases? Like what exactly?

I wouldn't like it but I'd soon forget about it. Your DH is BU

"It really is common assault".

Eh no, it isn't and that comment is quite insulting to people who have been victims of assault.

Really, Falling: I thought laying unwanted hands on another was common assault but I'm prepared to be corrected.

If you are right and it isn't, well it should be particularly in the case of children.

Irrespective of whether they are acting drunk or in a deprived area, I do NOT like people touching ds (3).

One of DH's friends recently picked up Ds, he was only being friendly, but I told him to put him down and not do that again.

I do not know WHY it makes me uncomfortable, it just does.

You seriously think you could go to the police and have someone dragged into court because they stroked your baby's cheek?

When I had son I went in MABU and there was a patient in there who kept picking up ds and cuddling him and I put in an official complaint about her.

COMMON ASSAULT....WTF?????

Quick scramble the police 'copter and the dog unit there is a dangerous drunk villain on the loose in a NOT NICE council estate.

I wonder of his mug shot will be on Crimewatch UK when I next tune in.

I don't know Falling but maybe if you could, less would do it.

If a parent is asked first and then gives permission, then there is no problem but, for me, touching my child without permission is a problem.

I wouldn't like a stranger to do it to me and I am going to assume that my child doesn't like it either.

I really hate it when people try and touch me without my permission, and to be honest its one of the things I'm worried about having to deal with when my baby is born. I want to teach her that her body is her own and she has absolute say over who touches her, to the point where I won't make her hug or kiss relatives if she doesn't want to. I just don't think it's fair. If I won't put my own families feelings above my daughter's bodily autonomy then why on earth should she have to tolerate it from strangers? but like you OP I worry about people's reactions, people entitled enough to think they can interfere with another person's body without permission might not be reasonable, and I don't always stand up for myself when it happens for fear of that. So YANBU but I'm not sure what the alternative is, save wearing them in a sling and under a big coat

OP, I think you've been given a hard time on here. FFS, someone in their dressing gown on public transport? They are either unhinged, paralytic, or suffering from mental health problems. It would not be okay for them to touch my DC.

However, generally I think it's fine to affectionately touch a child. (Common assault WTF?) I'm Italian and when DC was little and we visited Italy we could hardly walk a block without someone cooing and petting her, and offering a sweetie. Old ladies cross the street if they see an infant. I totally understand that some people are not comfortable with it, but personally, I think it's a warm and lovely thing.

OP, I wouldn't worry about germs being passed on to DC. In reality, your DC is more likely to have passed something on to the stranger.

Chopin, do you seriously not think that the police and the courts have better things to do than pursue some well meaning stranger who stroked a baby's cheek. If an old lady came up to you in the shops and patted your baby on the cheek and said he was lovely would you have her dragged off in a cop car as well?

This is getting ridiculous.

Falling, there is no need to excite yourself.

This has come about because I used the term, 'common assault'. You have pointed out that technically it isn't and I accept that.

However, you now seem to have wandered into the foothills of fantasy. I am merely saying, clumsily by use of term 'common assault' it seems that I would like the idea that people can touch one's children without permission to become unacceptable.

Not everyone feels like that but I do.

I'm not getting excited ; no need to be passive aggressive. I'm pointing out that if you have it deemed as common assault you can't just decide that a dirty dishevelled man on a bus stroking your baby's cheek is guilty of common assault, but a nice sweet old lady in the butcher's doing the same isn't.
And 'common assault' is a legal term so you can't really use it and then say 'oh well I didn't really mean that, I just want people to 'get' the idea that they shouldn't touch my baby'.

"In reality, your DC is more likely to have passed something on to the stranger."

How do you work that out?

FFS, maybe their lives in general are shit and he found some small joy in doing that. Sometimes we are far too judgemental in general based on appearances.

Why do people say what if it was an adult? As human beings we see children as needing protection and adoring them because they are small with big eyes that makes us feel affection and protecting them thats why people show affection to children and human contact is well, exactly that. Human. So saying what if a person touched you, an adult makes no sense.