When strangers touch your children?

[FluffyPingPong]

I was on a bus into town yesterday, which goes around the houses and through a not-so-nice estate. It was 11am and a male and female were on the bus in their dressing gowns, being very loud and presumably drunk. As the bus pulled through to the estate, the couple stood up to get off. The male stopped next to my 1 year old son in his pushchair, and began stroking his cheek. It was obviously meant in a friendly way, but it made me so uncomfortable! I wanted to tell him not to touch my son, but I feared I would offend him and he would react negatively towards me. My husband is disgusted that I did not speak up, saying that he could have all kinds of germs or nasty diseases. I don't think he understands it from a lone female's point of view. Although I do wish I had said something. Can anyone share their experiences? Or if it hasn't happened to you, WWYD?

timely what would you have done if it had been your child that the man in the surgery patted on the head?

You really can't go through life preventing other people from 'touching' your children or getting all steamed up about it or trying to exert total control over who touches them and who doesn't.
Obviously if someone touches them in a scary or rough or inappropriate way or with filthy dirty hands that's annoying and wrong.
But going around stating that no one can touch your child unless you say so just isn't realistic. In the same way that it would be ridiculous if I got all annoyed because someone in the street tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.

Would it be reasonable for a drunk OR sober stranger to stroke an adults face? How would you feel if anyone but especially a drunk quite loud, dirty and threatening person came up to you on public transport and stroked your face? Would you like it? No, thought not. Therefore why is it acceptable for strangers to do the same to defenceless babies and children?

This is a poor argument. It's not acceptable for adults to be wearing diapers, sucking a woman's boobs in public, drooling down their fronts, or giving a toothless smile. What applies to adults doesn't apply to babies, or even children.

That said, drunk people are not known for washing their hands after going to the bathroom. I would not let a drunk man touch my daughter. Being drunk makes them unpredictable, even well meaning they might accidentally hurt her if they can't understand depth perception. I might let a sober man depending on body language and how he was doing it.

A friendly cheek stroke would not bug me, and it certainly wouldn't bug DD.

Grunt I wouldn't have done anything. I wouldn;t like it but that kind of contact is usually harmless. I go with my gut.

I had a woman talk to my new born DD once, right up close...saying nice things...she then put her clenched fist to DDs face and said "Oooh I could just smash it!"

I was horrified and to be honest that experience may have coloured my atittude but there it is. I feel the way I feel.

There have been other, more minor incidents where I felt extremely uncomfortable about things but didn't speak up. These were when I was a new parent.

SO now I am more experienced I believe it is vital that we learn the skills to speak up and say no if people get too close in a way we don't like.

Talking about no contact with strangers children in general not the OPs experience (as i already said upthread). You can start to sound very controlling and bizarre saying no one but family can touch children affectionately. No thats not how a society functions and it is a very strange attitude IMO.

My friend yesterday actually had to physically take hold of a child to stop him falling onto train tracks after the traindoots shut and departed with a very hysterical mother on board. He had to keep hold of a toddler even when he took him to the staff as the poor child was terrified. Would that be inappropriate touching as well?
And what about that silly suggestion of high fiving grandparents? When will this nonsense end?

Tsouk oh don't be silly. My posts have been balanced. Why can't other people do the same?

In your opinion they've been balanced Timely.

Yes. Because I haven't been making the most tenuous comparisons ever made.

Good God Timely! That made me shudder. Perhaps understandable you feel the way you do...

Neither have most posters on here.

I am going to reiterate.

I do not see people as potential abusers

I just don't want them touching my children.

Is that so hard for you all to understand?

YOUR "right" to touch people's children does not exist.

So you cannot complain when people decide that you're not to do it.

this ^^^

Difficult subject, isnt it. ?

No I don't want a drunk man or a man potentially off his face on god knows what even noticing my child let alone touching, no! and NO NO NO again.

I can understand your feeling of powerlessness too not wanting to say anything.

I am afraid you do have to be careful, and your child is defenseless and needs you to protect. I think you did the right thing in avoiding antagonizing, your DH was not there to judge, he cannot make this call. Next time, say as other poster said, he is shy, or ill with a pleasant smile and hope they have the good grace to fuck off.

If the "well meaning stranger" is potentially at risk of upsetting a proportion of parents then they ARE doing something wrong.

So the real problem is not that touching children ignores their bodily autonomy, but rather that it over rides the rights of parents to decide who touches their child, and when.

Personally, I might not have been 100% thrilled with the situation the OP describes, but her husband's reaction and his demeaning assumptions about the man involved are intolerable. He meant no harm, he did no harm, apparently the child is not now in intensive care with acute poor disease.

Seeker33 Why did you find and decide to resurrect this old thread, just to say "Difficult subject, isnt it. ?"

I'm genuinely curious.

oh its old thread, yes seeker why