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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parent is dying - AIBU to my ex? Please give it to me straight.

149 replies

isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 07:57

Regular. N/C. Please don't out me. But be brutal if needs be.

I am long divorced from my ex. My children with him are either adults or almost adults.

He was, from what I read on here, controlling and EA. We are amicable, for the sake of the kids, but not friends.

My parent is dying. AIBU to say I don't want him at the funeral or should I suck it up if he wants to be there?

OP posts:
BadLad · 09/12/2014 07:59

Your parent - your choice. Unless you think his being there would help your children come to terms with losing their grandparent, just ask him not to come. He'll respect your wishes unless he's a total wanker.

SunnyBaudelaire · 09/12/2014 08:00

nobody knows really but you.
My stepfather banned my dad from my mum's funeral with no consideration for anyone but himself. What a tool.

BadLad · 09/12/2014 08:00

Just remembered that they are nearly adults. Ask him to stay away.

Gatehouse77 · 09/12/2014 08:01

As your children are much older, I'd discuss it with them first. Would they want him there? Or would they understand why you would not want him there?
It's a slightly tricky one but if you've got the strength and support to say no, then YANBU.

Branleuse · 09/12/2014 08:01

can you aak him to stay at the back.

d0ttyne11 · 09/12/2014 08:02

Sorry to hear your situation.

You are not unreasonable. Tell him up front. Or ask him to do something specifically helpful (like dropping off / collecting the kids for you) so you can focus on tasks in hand.

skylark2 · 09/12/2014 08:02

Was he close to your parent?

Do your kids want him there?

YABU if you think your desire to not have him at the funeral outweighs everyone else's feelings. YANBU to not want him there if nobody else cares either way.

Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:03

Kids won't need dropped off and picked up - they are adults.

Older 2 I spoke to yesterday and they were surprised he thought he would be there, younger one I haven't spoken to yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:05

None of the rest of my family will care, or will positively not want him there.

The only one who might find his presence helpful is my youngest. But does that trump my wish not to have him there? Am I selfish if I put my wishes first, over my child's?

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/12/2014 08:05

If his children want him there I don't think you can really refuse but not if he is just there for himself.

Catzeyess · 09/12/2014 08:06

I think Yabu - if he knew them, won't misbehave and will be grieving too

I think yanbu if you think he will cause a scene, and didn't ever get on with them.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:08

He won't misbehave, I don't think, but him being there I will find extremely upsetting. I don't want him there.

OP posts:
SoMuchForSubtlety · 09/12/2014 08:08

If your children are adults or nearly so then I don't see the harm in them learning that the damage one person can do to another in a relationship lasts for many many years. As long as you explain it so you don't seem petty I think majority rules and it seems most wouldn't want him there.

Littleturkish · 09/12/2014 08:08

Ask youngest- I doubt they will want him there if he had no relationship with your DM.

Sickoffrozen · 09/12/2014 08:12

I think yabu.

Funerals for me are for people to show their respects if they want to. He may not want to.

However if he does then I think he should be able to go.

Believe me, as someone who knows, there is a lot of comfort to be had from a well attended funeral. When my dad died, the church was overflowing with people and I only then realised how popular he was.

You will be too preoccupied and upset to worry about who is at the church.

Big hugs for what you are going throughFlowers

BadLad · 09/12/2014 08:15

I'm astounded at sickoffrozen's response. Nobody will feel the loss more than you. No way should anyone come against your wishes just because they have the right to grieve too, in my opinion.

DixieNormas · 09/12/2014 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skylark2 · 09/12/2014 08:19

"Am I selfish if I put my wishes first, over my child's?"

My honest opinion? Yes.

Of course, this is based on absolutely minimal information - I've no idea how awful he was to you.

DixieNormas · 09/12/2014 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:20

I don't know, at this point, if my youngest would find him being there helpful, to be clear. I haven't asked them.

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 09/12/2014 08:20

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Funeral services are public events for people to pay their respects to the deceased. Your children's father probably wants or feels he should be there to support his children and show his respect to their grandparent. Even if only your youngest will benefit from his support that 'trumps' your wanting to ban him.

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 09/12/2014 08:21

YANBU.your children will cope without him.tell him to stay away.Sorry this is happening.x

WooWooOwl · 09/12/2014 08:21

What makes him think he will be there? Is he crass enough to have told you he wants to be there before your parent has even died?

What has his relationship with your parent been like? If they had a good relationship then I could see why he'd want to come, because that would be about him paying his respects to his ex in law and wouldn't have anything to do with you, but only you can be the judge of that.

If it's going to cause conflict by telling him not to come then you have to weigh up how much it matters to you that he's not there versus how much it matters to keep the peace at such a difficult time.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:22

Yes, WooWoo, he is indeed crass enough to have told me he wants to be there before my parent has even died.

My parents and him were friendly prior to the divorce, but not since - since we divorced he has had minimal relations with them - I think he has seen them twice at public events.

OP posts:
Catzeyess · 09/12/2014 08:29

I'm sure there is a lot more to this if his mere presence (I.e. him not doing anything disruptive just sitting quietly at the back) is going to be extremely upsetting for you.

In that case maybe say something to him like 'I would prefer you didn't attend the funeral but would be happy for you to visit the graveside with the dc's at a later date'