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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parent is dying - AIBU to my ex? Please give it to me straight.

149 replies

isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 07:57

Regular. N/C. Please don't out me. But be brutal if needs be.

I am long divorced from my ex. My children with him are either adults or almost adults.

He was, from what I read on here, controlling and EA. We are amicable, for the sake of the kids, but not friends.

My parent is dying. AIBU to say I don't want him at the funeral or should I suck it up if he wants to be there?

OP posts:
Floisme · 09/12/2014 09:11

Do you think your parent would want him there? From what you've said, It sounds like 'no' but not necessarily. That's all I would think about in your shoes.

I'm very sorry Flowers

ChippingInAutumnLover · 09/12/2014 09:20

Yanbu. Sorry that you are losing your parent :( & sorry you are having to deal with this now too. He's an idiot.

It is your parent's funeral and he is your ex not someone who has a 'right' to be there despite your feelings (ie family member, friend of theirs etc). He's had no relationship with them at all in over 5 years, and previous to that since your divorce only one of convenience for the children.

He has absolutely no right to be there.

Your youngest will have plenty of support at the funeral and can see their dad afterwards if they want to. I'm sure they'll more than understand your wish not to have him there.

Just get him told and tell him that he will not be allowed in if he turns up and that creating a scene will only upset the children.

misskangaandroo2014 · 09/12/2014 09:20

I think although akward him asking before the reality (and resulting vulnerability) is perhaps useful. You can discuss it with your children. He can make decisions about how to show support for your children (eg if he doesn't attend perhaps helping them choose flowers), because as a parent it is crucial that he makes himself available when they will be grieving.
He has at least run this by you as well. It's jarring as hell. But. At least he's not rushing a decision.
My uncle attended my grandad's funeral only three weeks after the shocking truth of a years long affair my aunt had no idea of came to light. Opinion was wildly split. In the end my gran decided. He could attend (he had always respected my grandad) to demonstrate to his children that grief is a uniting force.
For what it's worth. One of his children resented it the other appreciated it. His wife (my aunt) didn't care. She was very much there with her mum.

Miggsie · 09/12/2014 09:26

The most awkward thing may be that there are often pews reserved for family - I assume he wouldn't have the front to want to sit there?

Otherwise, he may just turn up and there's not a lot to be done.

R4roger · 09/12/2014 09:29

i think you need to concentrate on your parent for the time being. please dont worry about the funeral Thanks

LaurieFairyCake · 09/12/2014 09:36

He doesn't care about your wishes, we know this because he's an arsehole and has been abusive to you.

And given that he doesn't care about your wishes and that you can't stop him from attending the funeral (there's no way to do this) you're going to have to get really good at faking not giving a fuck.

Feel really sorry for you Sad, I would feel so angry if my wishes were ignored

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 09:37

Laurie - god you've hit the nail on the head.

I'm angry that he talked to me about it before my parent is even dead and I'm angry that he's planning to ignore my wishes and I'm angry that he's doing what he always did and painting me into a corner where what I want is completely disregarded.

But, at least he's the ex and I don't have to live with him.

OP posts:
MrsMcRuff · 09/12/2014 09:40

Given that he didn't have a close ongoing relationship with your parent, it sounds to me like this is an attempt at continuing his controlling behaviour.

I suppose all you can do is say that you don't think it would be appropriate for him to attend, that you don't want him to attend, and that the children are surprised that he would consider attending. Maybe he'll take the hint. As has been pointed out, unfortunately you can't actually prevent him from coming.

Sorry you're having to deal with this at what would be an awful time in any case. Flowers

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 09/12/2014 09:47

I wouldn't ask him not to attend, because it sounds like he would just come anyway. I would just try and focus on your parent and your family and just pretend that he is invisible beyond a curt nod/hello. Ask your boyfriend to run interference; so if he comes over to talk to you etc, then he can come and redirect.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

SipsTea · 09/12/2014 09:47

YABU, but it is to be expected. When grieving, most people decide to focus their anger, confusion and despair on something which is within their control. You have settled on your ex, which again is not surprising.

What will banning him from the funeral achieve? It will neither lessen your grief nor make you any happier - what it will do is disrupt/destroy what has settled into an amicable relationship.

And do not leave the decision to your children - that is a cop-out. By asking them, they will know that you obviously don't want him there and are likely to say yes just to please you. This then makes it easier for you to claim that it was not your decision, but essentially making them choose between their parents is an unfair burden to place on them, no matter how grownup they are.

I speak from experience when I say, do not be so shortsighted in your grief.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

loveareadingthanks · 09/12/2014 09:50

'My stepfather banned my dad from my mum's funeral' - that's an entirely different relationship. This was his ex-wife.

I can't imagine why anyone would want to go to an ex MIL or FILs funeral, unless they've maintained a close relationship with them.

If the children were small and wanted their other parent there for support, fair enough. But otherwise, no need.

Ask your children if they would want him there to support them. If they do, then I think you'll have to grit your teeth and welcome him there. If they don't, then tell him his presence is not requested.

Riverland · 09/12/2014 09:56

How intrusive of him. Yanbu in the slightest, OP.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 09/12/2014 10:02

It's nonsense to say you can't stop him being there, unless it's being held in a church you certainly can and even in a church he can be heavily leaned on to leave.

What you want doesn't have to be disregarded. Just tell him he is not to come and if he does, he will be removed. Tell him if he creates a scene it will be him upsetting his children. Put a stop to his bullying. Stand up for yourself over something that matters to you x

Vycount · 09/12/2014 10:09

I would ask him not to attend.
As your children are no longer children but young adults I would also speak to them - when the time comes - and ask for their support.
I've been in a very similar situation recently and my family backed me up 100% because, while they may have lost a grandparent, they recognised that I had lost a dearly loved parent. They were adult enough to give me their full support and also ask the person concerned to have the consideration to stay away.

DocMcStuffinsBigBookOfOuches · 09/12/2014 10:17

I can only imagine how I would feel in this situation, but what immediately sprang (sprung? Springed?) into my mind was that if my emotionally abusive ex husband wanted to come to my parents funeral, it would totally alter my behaviour - I would be so much back in "self defence, don't allow any chinks in my armour" type thinking, that I would probably find it hard to grieve freely and openly in front of him. Doesn't matter that I have been out of the relationship for 17 years, I will never let him back inside my defences, and a funeral of a loved parent is likely to be an emotionally vulnerable time.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 09/12/2014 10:18

I don't think it's reasonable to invite or not invite people to funerals.

Perhaps you could call him and tell him he is very welcome to attend the service but the wake afterwards is for family and close friends only. You wouldn't then really see him as you and your sons will sit at the front and he will be discreetly positioned towards the back. You might have a convivial greeting/farewell "thanks for coming" and then you'd go your separate ways. He has no power over you. You just need to redraw the boundaries and stop letting him get to you.

If they were friendly towards one another, I would have thought it was fine for him to pay his respects and your adult children might like it that he's there.

NakedFamilyFightClub · 09/12/2014 10:18

I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers

YANBU - but from what you've said of him so I get the impression he'd turn up anyway even if you said no, just to annoy you. I hope I'm wrong, but would that annoy you more than him attending when you hadn't banned him explicitly?

DayLillie · 09/12/2014 10:34

I would concentrate on your parent, while you have them.

When the time comes, don't go out of your way to invite him and make sure family know, so they can divert him as people have said above.

A brief 'thank you for paying your respects, I expect you will need to be on your way now' then turn away and get on with what you have to do. He is not important.

There will be lots of people who knew your parents at the funeral (and hopefully now too). It is lovely to talk to them and find out things you didn't know. Put together a photo album of old photos for the wake. Enjoy the people who have come because they cared.

Longdistance · 09/12/2014 11:25

I take it he hasn't seen your parent for a while if you've been divorced a long time. Therefor he shouldn't attend imo.

I do believe he only wants to be there for his own gain to piss you off

Longdistance · 09/12/2014 11:32

Also, try to keep the funeral date, time etc a secret if you can. Tbh, he's your ex, he really has no business being there.

MrsMcRuff · 09/12/2014 11:32

It's nonsense to say you can't stop him being there

Is it? Churches and Crematoria are public places.

he can be heavily leaned on to leave.

Hmm

I think it would be frowned upon to have 'bouncers' at the door of a church, restricting access, and unbearably crass to contemplate causing a scene at a funeral.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 09/12/2014 11:34

It's unbelievably crass to go to the funeral of someone you don't really know or have contact with, knowing it will cause distress to your ex, who has just lost a parent.

Hatespiders · 09/12/2014 11:38

I'm so sorry you're having to face this.

I've been to two funerals where unwelcome people attended. It ended in a shouting match, and in the second one, a woman actually spat in the face of one of the mourners, before several shocked guests grabbed her and chucked her out. Not dignified and terribly upsetting for the bereaved. You need to avoid any unpleasantness at the funeral if at all possible. Is your ex likely to create a scene? If not, and he insists on attending, would he be agreeable to sidling in quietly at the back (as other posters have suggested) and exiting after the service?

I was very attached to my ex's dd. She died in tragic circumstances in adult life. I crept in at the back during the funeral, prayed for her, and crept out. No-one noticed me particularly, and my ex never knew I'd been there. Could you bear something similar perhaps?

MrsMcRuff · 09/12/2014 11:46

It's unbelievably crass to go to the funeral of someone you don't really know or have contact with, knowing it will cause distress to your ex, who has just lost a parent.

Yes, of course it is. Who said it wasn't? Confused I was just refuting another poster's claim that he could be prevented from attending. Unfortunately, I don't think that is the case.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 09/12/2014 11:48

I'm not sure an ex at the funeral would be my priority if my parent was dying.