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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parent is dying - AIBU to my ex? Please give it to me straight.

149 replies

isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 07:57

Regular. N/C. Please don't out me. But be brutal if needs be.

I am long divorced from my ex. My children with him are either adults or almost adults.

He was, from what I read on here, controlling and EA. We are amicable, for the sake of the kids, but not friends.

My parent is dying. AIBU to say I don't want him at the funeral or should I suck it up if he wants to be there?

OP posts:
R4roger · 09/12/2014 08:31

Surely he has a right to pay his respects?
were you together long?
Did he have a relationship with your parent?

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:33

We were together as a couple for 20 years. While we were together he had a relationship with my parent, but not since.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 09/12/2014 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frikadellen · 09/12/2014 08:34

If your children are feeling it weird then I would say, YANBU to ask him to stay away.

However when my maternal grandmother died (I was in my 20s so an adult) I was thrilled my dad was there despite the fact he had not beem am official in law for 20 years at that point. My parents have had a amicable relationship however and my dad kept close ties with his x inlaws. When at the end of the day it became a "close family only" dinner there was no question of my dad not staying. He was going to leave but even my mother said to him"no stay your part of this"

I think however you feeling you dont want him there and your children saying they are surprised, suggests a very different relationship and not one where he is "needed" for any

Hairylegs47 · 09/12/2014 08:34

YANBU
I think he'll only wind you up at a time when you need some peace.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:36

The events he has seen them at were a wedding and a public performance of one of the children. He and I do not go to school events together if possible - if there are 2 performances, he will go to one with his family and I to the other with mine, for example.

We aren't fighting, but we aren't friends. We are, to use a phrase I heard on here, parallel parenting, but that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:37

If there is only one performance or event (eg parents night - only applies to youngest now) then we take it turn about.

We avoid each other as much as is possible - not in a nasty way, but in a this is the best thing to avoid conflict way.

OP posts:
iwantginsoakedXmas · 09/12/2014 08:38

I was unsure of what my response would be until I read your post about him not seeing your parent since the divorce. If he had continued a relationship with them- then maybe he should be permitted to attend the funeral.

But as he hasn't - then no. He should not attend.

Hope you are okay OP.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:38

When we were first divorced, if he was stuck my mum and dad would have babysat for him, but that has not happened for 5 years plus as the children are now far too old to need childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:40

And my dad put a stop to the babysitting because he was taking the piss and being late and asking at very short notice and expecting them to drop everything to help him out.

They were babysitting for the sake of the kids, and doing the right thing by the kids, not for him. My parent's attitude was that they were looking after their grandchildren, and it was a pleasure, and they didn't care who was asking. Until he took the piss. And then they said no more.

But, as I say, that hasn't happened for at least 5 years.

OP posts:
Frogme · 09/12/2014 08:41

You have done really well to keep an amicable relationship for the sake of the kids. Now they are older this isn't quite so important, so you could say no to him easily, however if this is likely to cause hassle for the future - perhaps at your kids weddings or something, you may decide that it is easier to keep the peace. Only you know how he react, how long he will bear a grudge for, and what the possible consequences may be.

YANBU to not want him there. Whether it would be easier to just let him attend, is up to you to decide. I agree that actually on the day, he will probably be the least of your concerns.

Thanks for you

defineme · 09/12/2014 08:42

I think your wishes, along with your relatives, do outweigh your almost adult child as they will have a lot support from you and their siblings/ extended family.

NUFC69 · 09/12/2014 08:49

Sorry to hear about your parent, Op, and I quite understand how you feel. However please be aware that church services are open to the public and whatever you say he can attend if he wants to (whether he should if you have told him not to is another matter). Thanks

Frogme · 09/12/2014 08:50

Could you ask him to sit at the back and not go to the wake, as a compromise? - if you do want to keep the peace that is.

HamishBamish · 09/12/2014 08:50

YANBU. If you don't want him there he should respect that.

When my grandfather died (my mum's father) she said she didn't want my dad there (they had been divorced for several years by then). He respected that and stayed away. He wrote a letter to my grandmother and my mum expressing his sympathy, but didn't attend or send flowers as that's what my mum wanted.

PedlarsSpanner · 09/12/2014 08:51

Any way you can neglect to tell him of the arrangements when the time comes?

I am very sorry that your parent is so very ill

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 08:51

FWIW his view is that he has a right to attend.

I have taken on board all that has been said on this thread and I will consider carefully before saying anything more to anyone in RL. It will be a massive row if he turns up and I have to ask him to leave if that was the route I went down, and I have enough sense not to do that at a funeral. But by the same token, it's massively disrespectful of my wishes if he turns up.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 09/12/2014 08:55

Tell him no.I'm sorry but your feelings do trump everyone elses.

I'm so sorry for what your going through.I lost my Mum this April.

My ex was an arse to me and our 2DS and he turned up at my Mum's funeral.It hadn't even crossed my mind that he would.

He didn't start,he wouldn't I was there with my DH.Quite a few people commented to me that it was strange that he was there.I wasn't aware he was there till after the service at the church.He didn't come to the cemetery or the gathering afterwards.I'm glad he didn't stay all day as it would have made me feel really uncomfortable.

We split up 14 years ago as well so not recent.
With my ex I think it's a cultural thing,he's an Irish catholic and I know back home they all go to everyone's funerals even if they don't know the person very well or hadn't seen them for years and years.

Jux · 09/12/2014 08:55

Actually, I do think that in this case, what you need does trump what your children need.

If you say no to him, will it stir up trouble? Will he pay attention and keep away? Or will he be more determined to turn up?

NanooCov · 09/12/2014 09:01

I think you need to speak to your youngest (if it wouldn't ipset them too much) and find out how they feel. If they don't need or want him there then tell him of your wishes. If he still turns up to service, I would quietly ignore him - it'll just make you feel worse to do anything else. If he had the gall to turn up to the reception thing afterwards (and that would take make cojones) have you a family member that could tell him to leave to save you the confrontation? Maybe not siblings but perhaps a cousin or something like that?

Waitingonasunnyday · 09/12/2014 09:03

I'm so sorry about your ill parent.

YANBU at all.

When the time comes, you can let the undertakers/vicar/celebrant know about the situation. They are used to dealing with people who are not welcome to funerals and can sort out whatever happens without you having to have extra stress on the day.

You might find that you don't even need to tell your ex when the funeral is. You might even accidentally tell him the wrong day/time/place, grief is a funny thing...

I feel SO disrespectful writing about all these arrangements for someone who is still alive. My very best wishes for the rest of the time you have together.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 09:05

I have a boyfriend who is more than happy to escort him outside. (He is staggered that my ex would think of coming, given that I told him no when he said he'd be coming)

That, however, is not something I want happening - I would rather the whole thing went as smooth and un-annoyingly (that's not a word!) as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 09:06

Funeral notice will be in the paper and he will see it - or he'll ask the kids and they'll tell him if he asks - I wouldn't expect them to lie, nor would I.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 09:06

Ohtheholidays I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

OP posts:
bruffin · 09/12/2014 09:11

Actually, I do think that in this case, what you need does trump what your children need I dont agree
The funeral isnt about you, its about your parent and people paying respect to them.
FWIW my mum died in October, both her ex SILs turned up. One she was very fond of, but the other she was good to despite him being an alcoholic and not treating my DN very well. He came to give his respects to her, and tbh his dds were actually pleased he came. Not sure about my dsis, but it all went well and nobody made a fuss.