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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parent is dying - AIBU to my ex? Please give it to me straight.

149 replies

isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 07:57

Regular. N/C. Please don't out me. But be brutal if needs be.

I am long divorced from my ex. My children with him are either adults or almost adults.

He was, from what I read on here, controlling and EA. We are amicable, for the sake of the kids, but not friends.

My parent is dying. AIBU to say I don't want him at the funeral or should I suck it up if he wants to be there?

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 11:50

I don't think he would have been a priority if he had just turned up on the day, Alpha, but he is the one who has brought it up (twice now) and I am unhappy that he thinks his right to be there trumps my wishes not to have him there.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 11:54

By that I mean I would have been shocked but I wouldn't have been able to formulate a thought in my head. I think I would have been raging though, if he'd just turned up. I know I would have been raging. And possibly this is a good thing, because I might well have said something I may have regretting, had I not been forewarned.

OP posts:
Boomtownsurprise · 09/12/2014 12:02

Your parent is still alive...? May I ask gently how you feel they might wish it to be?

Just if it were amicable/friends and they saw him then maybe they might want him there.

It sounds though as if they themselves wouldn't be interested as you, their daughter, was hurt.

I think that would resolve my strength to refuse.

CheeseBuster · 09/12/2014 12:02

Sorry to go against the grain but I think he has a right to be there it pay his respects to someone he has known for decades. I think it unreasonable for anyone to be banned from a funeral unless it is very clear they are going to start aggro which you don't believe he is. The funeral is not about you.

Even though your older two have said they don't expect him there that doesn't mean they won't find him a comfort to be there.

And we do talk about funerals in my family before people actually die as they are sort of inevitable.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 12:05

I understand completely he has a right to be there, but it seems to me that his right to be there is overriding my wishes, and I just don't think that's fair and is typical of him

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 12:06

A right as in I can't stop him

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 12:09

Suppose he feels he needs his new partner there to support him? Is that OK?

He hasn't said he's bringing her, but they do everything together and go everywhere together, so I wouldn't be surprised.

OP posts:
ModernToss · 09/12/2014 12:13

My ex BIL came to my mum's funeral in June (from quite a distance); we were very touched. HOWEVER, he and my sister are amicable, and he maintained a civil relationship with my mother. He was also enormously helpful at the funeral and after in looking after older people.

In this instance, you're not particularly amicably divorced and he didn't maintain a relationship with your parent. Furthermore, you just don't want him there. If - knowing this and the emotional distress you'll already be suffering - he still insists on coming, then he's a complete dick.

YANBU.

Takingthemickey · 09/12/2014 14:56

OP don't give him the power to enjoy the fact that he is going against your wishes. He already knows attending will upset you and it appears that he will do what he wants anyway. Don't discuss with him. If he attends just ignore.

MonstrousRatbag · 09/12/2014 15:36

No right to be there, but it probably can't practically be prevented, unless your children are willing to ask him not to come. Trying to stop him if he does turn up would be worse than putting up with him. No to new partner though.

Absolutely DO NOT have him at any gathering afterwards though. Be firm with him and everyone else that this is not happening.

And commiserations. I lost a parent a few weeks ago and it is deeply, profoundly shit.

MimiSunshine · 09/12/2014 15:47

I think as its your parent you totally get to say you don't want him there (over and above your youngest DC wishes who doesn't sound too young for it to be explained to). However it will be hard to keep him away if he's determined but definitely don't let him attend any wakes etc

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/12/2014 16:02

OP, I'm so sorry you are facing this.

My EA exH has conducted himself similarly; the totally inappropriate presence and behaviour of him and his DW at a family funeral earlier this year has fractured the family beyond repair.

My DD is a teen, but already questions her Dads behaviour - are your DCs strong enough to challenge their dad on this?

rookietherednosedreindeer · 09/12/2014 16:03

I agree with what fairy says ( minus the swearing which I can't really condone):
given that he doesn't care about your wishes and that you can't stop him from attending the funeral (there's no way to do this) you're going to have to get really good at faking not giving a fuck.

If you tell him you don't want him to come, he sounds exactly the sort of person that will be there and make a big point of being there, if on the other hand he thinks you don't care either way, then there is less impetus for him to come along.

Bulbasaur · 09/12/2014 16:05

I vote no.

If he was EA, I'd tell him no. He'd just be doing it to get under your skin and upset you while saying "I just want to pay my respects". Don't let him ruin your parent's sending off, they day will be hard enough as it is without him trying to upset you more.

If he wanted to be at the funeral, he'd have kept in contact and stayed on good terms.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 16:07

Thanks to everyone who has lost a relative.

I just cannot believe the sheer and utter arrogance of first of, putting my parent figuratively in the ground when they aren't dead yet and secondly have the sheer unadulterated gall to say he's going to do what he wants and completely disregard my wishes.

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Bulbasaur · 09/12/2014 16:10

Can you just not tell him when the funeral is? I wouldn't even tell him when your parent dies. If your kid lets it slip, that's one thing, but I personally would just disengage. He can wind someone else up.

Flowers Sorry you're going through this.

You know what though, people there will see right through him. They'll still offer their support to you.

You can bar him from going to the reception though, since that is a private place and he has no reason to be there.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 16:11

It'll be in the paper and he or his mother will see it. And she will definitely tell him.

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loveareadingthanks · 09/12/2014 16:16

You don't have to put it in the paper. Can't you just invite those close to your parent?

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this at such a difficult time.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 16:19

It will go in the paper. I can't ask my other parent not to put it in the paper for those who may wish to come just to spite my ex. That would be hurting the wrong person.

OP posts:
Castlemilk · 09/12/2014 16:27

He is scum. I'm so sorry.

The ages your children are... Would it be possible for them to speak to him? To say that they don't think it's a good idea? Surely they don't want to know that him forcing his presence there is going to upset you - surely they will be angry and ashamed of him and will also end up finding it obviously difficult and distressing on the day. Would that make a difference to him?

There is also always the option that you could, next time he brings it up, calmly say something along the lines of at least his crassness has given you time to prepare, that you've spoken to the vicar about it and received some advice, and will be asking friends and family to deal with him if he is still insisting on invading your grief so publicly and nastily. Maybe the hint that people have been alerted to the situation and will be there, judging him and possibly gossiping about him, if not strong-arming him out, might be enough to put him off? If he thinks he's definitely going to look bad?

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 16:33

I don't want to ask the kids to get involved.

I wouldn't ever ask the kids to get involved. It's not fair on them.

He has already said I am over reacting, he has a right to be there and he will be there.

The only thing I can do is pretend not to give a fuck as fairy says.

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Frogme · 09/12/2014 16:45

Yes best plan. Pretend not to give a f*. Tell him he is the least of your worries. Hopefully he won't bother if he doesn't think it will upset you.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 09/12/2014 16:53

He's a wanker but you have to stop rising to it. He's doing it to upset you, clear enough. He has NO "right" to be there, but you can't stop him coming if he wants to - best plan is to stop reacting because the more you react, the higher the likelihood of him coming.

If you just say "whatever, I'm sure it won't matter if one more random person is there" and then make sure you don't rise to any further harassment from him, he may decide not to bother, since there won't be any "fun" (for him) to be had out of making you angry.

He's an emotional abuser - you know this - stop letting him get to you. If he comes, just pretend you're not entirely sure who he is, thank him vaguely for coming and walk away.

HemanOrSheRa · 09/12/2014 17:07

I have never posted on any thread here but I really feel for you OP. It is the anniversary of my Mums death this week so this really resonates with me.

I would put this out of your mind for now. Do not let this man cast a shadow over the time you have left with your parent. You don't get to do it over. Concentrate on this for now.

He sounds to me like he is 'pushing your buttons' because he knows he can otherwise why else mention the funeral of someone he has barely had any contact with for years before they have passed?

When the time comes you may be surprised (maybe not quite the right word) at how little you care whether he is there or not. I hope you will have plenty of people to support you and deal with this man if it comes to that. You are not being unreasonable AT ALL but don't let this man do this to you, he's not worth it.

Love to you and your family

ModernToss · 09/12/2014 17:07

Really, what an unspeakable shit he is.

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