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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parent is dying - AIBU to my ex? Please give it to me straight.

149 replies

isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 07:57

Regular. N/C. Please don't out me. But be brutal if needs be.

I am long divorced from my ex. My children with him are either adults or almost adults.

He was, from what I read on here, controlling and EA. We are amicable, for the sake of the kids, but not friends.

My parent is dying. AIBU to say I don't want him at the funeral or should I suck it up if he wants to be there?

OP posts:
MonstrousRatbag · 09/12/2014 17:11

I agree, it is so gratuitous to speak about it in those terms in advance of the death, he must be doing it to twist the knife.

I do think it would be wise to have a plan for the day itself, in terms of people to look after you and troubleshoot with him, and for you to try as much as you can to prepare your children for the possibility of bad behaviour.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 09/12/2014 17:15

That's a good idea monstrous about having a plan. OP could you get a couple of your friends teed up to handle him if he does show up? I'm sure they would be glad to help and have such a useful role to perform.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 17:17

My boyfriend wants to escort him out. Or refuse to let him in. He is rather large Grin

It's really me who needs a plan though, in my head, thumb is right. I'm rising to his bait. And I need to stop.

OP posts:
GetTheRedTinselOut · 09/12/2014 17:18

My long-time-divorced parents didn't go to each other's mothers funerals. Although my mum was close to my dads mum for a period when they were together, that was over 20 years ago. Her presence would have upset my aunts and she just didn't see the need. My dad never even asked about going to my mums mums funeral. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

INickedAName · 09/12/2014 17:38

My mum went to my grans, but she saw her daily and had a great relationship with her and my dad's siblings. (They even got my mum to do the flowers as she is a florist) Dad was controlling and hated the thought of her there, he said nothing at the time but the poison came out years after. I'm glad my mum was there, her main concern was bro and me being left on our own as dad would understandably be upset and be with his wife and stepchildren, turned out on the day bro and I had to sit on our own (several rows behind the family) as dad, his wife, stepchildren, his wife's siblings and spouses and his wife's parents all turned up (step wife's siblings and parents had never ever met gran) I was 18 and bro 16 at the time, had never been to a funeral and we got upset we only had each other while dad was hugging his sobbing wife's parents, so went and sat with mum which made my dad angry. If anyone had said to mum not to go she wouldn't have, but I'm so glad my aunts and uncles knew what my dad was like and encouraged her to attend. We sat at the back and she slipped away before everyone left.

Dad attended my grandads funeral after being asked not to, he got pissed at the wake, moaned about his hard life and paying mum £7 a week in maintenance and called my mum some awful names in front if everyone there. He knew my mum was bothered by him and it just made him act up more.

The fact that your ex raised it with you and then planned to do whatever makes me think he brought it up just to upset you, I can totally understand why you'd be upset and if he had any respect for you or your parent he wouldn't go knowing how uncomfortable it will be for you. You mentioned the possibility of him bringing his wife, would he be likely to behave better in front of her? Pretending not to give a fuck seems like the best solution, sorry that you're going through this at an already shitty time.

WannaBe · 09/12/2014 17:44

Twenty years is a long time to be a part of someone's family, and any death and any funeral is a final part of someone's life. IMO banning anyone from someone's funeral is a very drastic step unless there was serious harm or violence involved or if there is likely to be a scene on the part of the person you are banning. Someone is coming to pay their respects to someone they knew and had a relationship with for a very long time, and assuming they do not plan to turn up and insist on sitting with the family or wanting to have a part in the service I really can't understand the need to ban them from being there, and wanting to escort them out is incredibly drastic.

I was married to my now xh for fourteen years, we were together for four years before that, so for eighteen years I was also a part of his family. We no longer speak to one another (me and the ILS) but if one of them died I would be very saddened and would want to pay my respects to them. The fact me and xh are now divorced wouldn't change that fact. I most likely wouldn't go to the funeral as they don't live locally, but if they did then I would want to pay respect to them. The fact me and xh are divorced doesn't mean that I think any less of them as people.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 17:50

There is a massive backstory. Although my ex was "part of the family" he never considered my family his family - his family were prioritised and he only ever contacted my family when he wanted something from them. He was cruel and nasty about some things - redundancy, death of my grandparents.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 09/12/2014 17:56

So sorry you are going through this.

I lost my dad in July and to be honest it was such a tough day I barely noticed anyone else apart from my mum and siblings. I was going through the motions of briefly thanking people for coming but all the time watching out for my mum and sister and not really engaging with anyone else.

He is obviously an arse if he is putting his own needs above yours at such a difficult time, but, If he would come to the service and not cause any bother I would try to just ignore, don't give yourself any additional stress and concentrate 100% on the precious time you have left.

If you could manage the funeral with him there, you could announce the wake is for family only (and invite close friends personally).

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 18:03

I don't see why he should be there! Your dc are grown up or nearly grown up. He was abusive to you, why should you want him there!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 18:06

He never respected your family, and was nasty to them, I would not have him there. He is there for attention, and for himself, not because he cares. Don't tell him the date, time and where, tell your family not to either.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2014 18:06

Your DC are adult enough not to need him.

He treated you badly.

He should not go.

MonstrousRatbag · 09/12/2014 18:06

What is he likely to be like, towards you and other family members, if he does attend? Because if there is even a small chance of bad behaviour and disruption, then tell him not to come and do what you can to stop him coming. The police will attend if necessary, but someone else needs to deal with that and the ex question generally, the day will be hard enough on you as it is.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 18:07

he is likely to be condescending (although he will maintain he's not and it's all everyone else) and rather sneery, but again, that will be everyone else's perception it won't be what he means.

But he won't cause a scene, as such.

But by god I just wish he wouldn't go.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 18:10

He did not care for your parent, he is not there out of respect, yes he will cause trouble and unrest in his own way and make everybody feel uncomfortable. He is your ex, there is no need for him to go, he sounds like he's after trouble. Don't tell him where it is and the particulars.

MonstrousRatbag · 09/12/2014 18:10

If at all possible make sure on the day you don't have to talk to him. I had a function which an in-law was likely to disrupt and asked a sibling to police the in-law for me. It worked. The attempts at attention-seeking were quickly snuffed out and I wasn't even really aware of them until afterwards.

maddy68 · 09/12/2014 18:24

The way I see it is. Woudk the deceased want him there? If they would then that's it solved. He should be thee. if they wouldn't then that's what I would 'suggest' to ex

Jux · 09/12/2014 18:25

Can you have dp and a couple of large others as ushers who can (very politely and formally) usher him to somewhere near the back when he arrives. They can also keep an eye on him immediately afterwards when people are milling about a bit, and encourage him to leave. Of course, should he turn up at the wake, they can usher him out (or better yet, not let him in - invitation only sir, so sorry).

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 09/12/2014 18:38

Apologies but I don't know how to word this with tact.

What would your surviving parent want.

Original poster
isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 18:41

The surviving parent will not want them there. Because I don't want him there and it will upset me.

OP posts:
YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 09/12/2014 18:55

Sorry for your troubles OP.

Can the notice in the paper direct enquiries re the funeral, to the funeral director, rather than posting the date/time?

They can then check who is calling and provide the info, so you can screen him out. We have done this before.

Gatehouse77 · 09/12/2014 18:59

I was estranged from my father when DH and I got married and he was not invited. I wasn't sure if he'd just turn up on the day. I told DH that if he did turn up someone was to ask him to leave but I was not to be informed until after the honeymoon - I knew I couldn't enjoy the day with him being there or if I knew he'd been turned away.

So, would it be possible to tell him that he is not wanted there by yourself or your family and ask a couple of people to keep an eye out for him and gently escort him away? I guess it depends how the ceremony itself is run...

Also, given that the family have to hire a chapel or church I'm not sure if it's 'public' for such occasions. Which means you could turn him away.

All that said, it sounds like he is still trying to control you. Could you simply cut communications with him to a minimum? Pass the phone to your DP to finish conversations as you need to be somewhere else?

It's shitty for you that he's being such an arse and I hope you've got lots of support.

Calloh · 09/12/2014 18:59

YANBU. Times a thousand. I think you should calmly tell him that his presence at the funeral would not be considered necessary or appropriate. I know you run the risk then of the rage you may feel if he turns up anyway but I think on the day you probably won't care that much.

God , he sounds a twat and I don't understand how anyone can think that he should be there if he likes.

FryOneFatManic · 09/12/2014 19:17

OP I'm sorry you're having to deal with this Thanks

I would suggest that although it's a very good idea to have people effectively policing him to minimise potential upset, that your DP is not one of them.

I think it needs to be people or a person who isn't really connected to your Ex, and in a way your DP could be a target for your Ex to get at you, especially at it looks like your Ex is only there to upset you.

JenniferGovernment · 09/12/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WillkommenBienvenue · 09/12/2014 19:33

It's hard to keep anyone away from a funeral but there's no harm in asking him to stay away. As others have said make sure you assign a couple of people to ensure he keeps a respectful distance from you and other key mourners.

It's likely you will be far too busy propping each other up and generally grieving than worrying about this nasty man. You could also discuss the potental conflict with the MC/priest/rabbi/vicar, I'm sure they will have seen it before and will know what to do.

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