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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My parent is dying - AIBU to my ex? Please give it to me straight.

149 replies

isthisunfair1967 · 09/12/2014 07:57

Regular. N/C. Please don't out me. But be brutal if needs be.

I am long divorced from my ex. My children with him are either adults or almost adults.

He was, from what I read on here, controlling and EA. We are amicable, for the sake of the kids, but not friends.

My parent is dying. AIBU to say I don't want him at the funeral or should I suck it up if he wants to be there?

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 09/12/2014 19:43

I don't think you're been unreasonable at all. However be aware that you can't stop him from coming.

My mum refused to stay away from my dads funeral. Like your ex she was arguing about it before he'd even died, while he was on his death bed!

Obviously they'd been divorced for a while, on very bad terms and my dad had remarried.

She just point blank said she was coming and that we couldn't prevent her. Legally she was correct. I checked.

VivaLeBeaver · 09/12/2014 19:45

I suppose one thing you could do is get everyone to tell him the funeral is on Friday when actually its on Thursday for example.

Jux · 09/12/2014 23:35

You could do the terribly posh snub thing - "I don't know why you're here; you were always so terribly rude about her." and look his new bird up and down and give an enquiring little hmm and pass quickly on. Everyone would excuse you due to grief. Make sure you say it loud enough for quite a lot of people to hear. Brief your dp and a few others to engulf you immediately.

Littleturkish · 10/12/2014 07:33

I would write him a letter requesting that although you know you cannot prevent him from attending, it is the wishes of the family that he does not attend, and if he chooses to defy those wishes he will be asked to leave on the day.

Hopefully this will give him the attention he wants (and clearly that's what this is- him clawing for attention) and will actually achieve what you want- a quiet day to mourn your mother.

All the better to get your solicitor to draft the letter- but I appreciate that could be expensive etc

bigbluestars · 10/12/2014 07:39

You can't stop someone from attending a funeral. littleturkish- it's not on tak ask someone to leave a funeral. Anyone can attend-it's not like a wedding where people may gatecrash. I doubt a solicitor would help.

Original poster

isthisunfair1967 · 10/12/2014 07:57

I can't make him leave if he turns out. Firstly, it's not illegal for him to turn up and secondly, it would be terribly tacky to do that at a wedding.

I could draft a letter myself - but it would be all sound and fury and mean fuck all - all it would be would be flim flam, just because a solicitor wrote it wouldn't make it legally have any weight.

OP posts:

however · 10/12/2014 08:11

It all sounds hideous.

As you know, if he turns up there is little you can do.

If it's any consolation I found my mum's funeral something to simply get through. The real grieving and mourning and special/tender/emotional moments came after, when I was alone...going through her things, photos etc. I hope it is like that for you and you can find peace in those moments, painful though they will be. Then you can remember and mourn your parent without the presence of arseholes.

It's very difficult when death is imminent. Take care.

Original poster

isthisunfair1967 · 10/12/2014 08:13

Jesus my head marlied. *funeral, it's not like a wedding.

I am sure that's what I typed

OP posts:

daisydotandgertie · 10/12/2014 08:16

You did say be brutal - but this is ridiculous.

All this over a funeral. Do not give this man the power to make the funeral of your beloved parent all about him. He is utterly irrelevant to it. I think many funerals have difficult or upsetting people attending - estranged family etc, it's the nature of them really.

Focus on what is important - your parent and their life. On the day, you won't notice who is there, you really won't. The only reason I have an idea who was at my DH's funeral is because the undertakers took a list.

I wonder if you are focusing on this situation because it's easier to be angry and upset about this than it is to think about the loss of your parent - understandable, but not what this is really about.

Disengage from the man; next time he asks about coming, tell him he must do whatever he thinks your parent would want. It's probably more to do with controlling you than grieving/showing respect anyway. If he turns up, continue to disengage. Deal with it with the dignity such an event deserves.

comedancing · 10/12/2014 08:34

If he was abusive he probably has a love of drama good or bad. By forbidding him to go he may be delighted to again be the victim and get that attention. I would then not feed into that by making it an issue at all. Him saying already that he will go is like stirring stuff up even now. The one thing he will hate is getting no attention at all. That's not easy for you but don't get sucked in...just ignore him.

Sister77 · 10/12/2014 10:44

Yanbu.
You are going through the one of most horrendous times of your life. Your DParent isn't dead yet but ex is already stating his rights!
Your DCs are adults, maybe you should tell them clearly you do not want him there. Tell him too. He is using this to control and EA you at one of your most vulnerable points.
If you have told him and your DC then it puts the onus back on him to do the "right" thing.
Has he got the "rights" to pay his respects? Did he respect the person when they were part of his life and well?

melika · 10/12/2014 10:47

People don't get invited to funerals, it is generally acceptable to pay their last respects whatever. Let it go.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/12/2014 11:00

It's clear he is going to go to the funeral, and since funerals, like weddings, are public events, you can't prevent him doing do. In your position I would 1) refuse to discuss it AT ALL while your parent is still alive on the grounds that it is inappropriate to do so.
2) if and when your parent dies, invite him and his partner to the service but say the wake is private. The invitation should wrong foot the attention-seeking twat and presumably he'll behave better in front of girlfriend. Reserve a place for them in the middle order and get someone else to steer them towards it.
3) Concentrate on all the lovely people who have come to pay their respects to your beloved mum or dad. Say "thank you for coming" to them and no more.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/12/2014 11:03

And what daisydot and sipstea said

ModernToss · 10/12/2014 11:16

Excellent practical advice from Schnitzel there.

I can't get over how vile he is, though. What sort of person would add to your burden in this way, and how dare he assert his 'rights' and make it about him at a time like this? Just hateful.

DayLillie · 10/12/2014 11:22

Yep Schnitzel's plan is a good one.

Put it in place then concentrate on the here and now.

MonstrousRatbag · 10/12/2014 11:38

Is there any way you can dodge contact with him for the time being, as well? You certainly don't need it and it will only serve to fuel his thirst for drama.

And I wish you every strength for the days ahead, m'dear.

Original poster

isthisunfair1967 · 10/12/2014 11:49

Great advice Schnitzel - I don't know that I can bear to actually invite him it will stick in my craw, but yes, I think that is possibly the best thing to do.

I am trying to avoid him - have to see him this evening but will just do a dump and run and stay in the car. If he tries to engage me in conversation, I think I may pretend to be on the phone.

OP posts:

NakedFamilyFightClub · 10/12/2014 11:57

I have an idea that might help a bit when the time comes.

A lot of funerals I've been to have a short private service at home for the family first, then the 'public' funeral.

If that was possible, would it make you feel like you've taken back some control, and give you an opportunity to say a private goodbye with just your close family?

FragrantFlower · 10/12/2014 12:05

Sorry for your sad situation.

But to be brutally honest, we can't police such things. Who are we to dictate who can pay their respects? Maybe on a spiritual level it will represent a form of 'closure' for both your parent and him?

Fair enough if you want to give him a wide berth during and after the service - that is your prerogative - you still have issues, but theirs is an at end on one level.

DayLillie · 13/12/2014 12:18

Just had a thought; I went to a funeral last week, that was actually a Service of Celebration. The close family (wife, children, grandchildren) had a small ceremony at the crematorium first.

The reason for this was because there were lots of people and a large venue was needed. It helped with the logistics, as fitting in with crematoria timetables in this situation would be a nightmare, otherwise.

More people are doing it this way round these days. You could have a small family ceremony first, then have a public service, with tributes and readings, and do afterwards. It is so less stressful to go through the tributes without the coffin bit and very life afirming.

You will not feel that ex is spoiling everything quite so much and you and your parent and others will have time and privacy for the hard bit.

OVienna · 13/12/2014 12:42

Firstly YANBU
Secondly what daisy said.

But I wouldn't invite him as such to anything. There are lots if people he can speak to to find out where the main event is. It's public as others have said: nominate someone if you like to liaise on your behalf regarding being a contact point for details if those arrangements. Have a private family event another time - don't share those details with him. But I think you can avoid dealing with him directly if you like through the whole process. Esp if the private family event has been technically organised by someone else- as a favour to you since you're grieving.

OVienna · 13/12/2014 12:43

Or un-invite him. Disengage.

OVienna · 13/12/2014 12:46

I'm not making any sense.my point us don't feel obliged I any way to discuss arrangements while lived one still alive and appoint a gatekeeper if u can afterwards.

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