To wish my husband was less of a faffer?

[LennyCrabsticks]

Like now for eg. I'm sitting down with a glass of wine and his job is to bath the littlest child.

He's been preparing for twenty minutes now. He's been to the loo. He's looked for a towel. He's asked where the clean flannels are. In a minute I expect he'll actually run the bath. Meanwhile dc3 is bouncing around the living room spoiling my relaxing wine and TV time generally being not bathed and in bed.

He's the same with everything. There is no such thing as a quick job. He cooks the evening meal everyday and it takes him so long that he doesn't get much else done in the time between the end of school and dinner time. If he ever washes up (if I've cooked) it takes him over an hour. We have a dishwasher. I asked him to check the online banking the other day and by the time he'd finally fired up the laptop, been to the loo, put some music on and made a coffee before sitting down to log in, I'd done it on my phone. And then he got all huffy.

Is there anyway of training him out of faffiness? Or is it a trait I have to live with forever?

It doesn't matter how big the room we're in is, dp is always in the way.
He cannot leave to go anywhere without popping back in to retrieve something he's forgotten. I refuse to say bye more than once now or it gets silly.
He refuses to use a wallet and there is always a drama about where his bank card is.
Arrrgghh

DH and I are both faffers but he is worse than me. He has no sense of urgency (it's one of the things I liked about him but sometimes it goes too far)
Yes to:
Last minute poo, last week we were all in the car and strapped in when he got out of the car announcing a toilet break first

iPod/iPad faffing, before any task the correct music, podcast or net flicks selection has to be made. This extends to the car, he will have gone to the car "to warm it up", we then go out, then he goes to the toilet, then sets up the sat nav, then has to scroll through the music for the correct driving music. Fine if we aren't in a hurry but we are usually running late due to toilet and sat nav fuck-faffery and can't afford the time. This includes when getting me to hospital in labour DH-"is this music OK?", me-"I DON'T CARE JUST DRIVE"

He stays in bed until the last minute which then makes mornings really stressful and rushed

With I was in labour with DS3, it took him one hour after we phoned the hospital to get ready to take me because he hadn't packed a bag despite me being two weeks over and with DD1, he stopped to eat breakfast whilst I had contractions coming every 3 minutes and was in agony. I was at the door waiting when he started getting a bowl etc ready and then calmly sat and ate it in the kitchen - I'm still standing by the door, waiting ...

Phew, that was cathartic and he does have gorgeous forearms.

Beeraykay, it wouldn,t work for us as dh thinks everything - everything, mind - takes 10 minutes, from cooking dinner, to putting up a shelf, to shopping in town; it all takes 10 minutes.

I admit to a certain degree of faffiness but DH takes it to a new level.

I've been waiting two hours for him to take DS sledding so I can be alone while DD naps. They have faffed so much that I know she'll be awake before they leave and I won't get any quiet time. I just want to scream "WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE FOR FUCK'S SAKE"

He also always needs something for a job to be done. Case in point, we have no skirting boards in our living room. He bought the wood. Then decided he needed to clean out the garage to have room to work on them. Then decided he needed a particular saw. Then decided that we may replace the flooring anyway so it wouldn't do to put the skirting boards up. Then we didn't have enough money to replace the flooring. And yet we still don't have skirting boards.

He also couldn't screw a cupboard door back on in the six days I was gone once because he was "tired".

I think it might be the case that a faffy type generally also has a pleasant, easy-going personality, so it's swings and roundabouts. I am so efficient it hurts, but I am also impatient and shouty. My DP of 21 years is the world's worst faffer, and we have had so many rows about it (well, I try to have a row but it's hard when the other person isn't rowing back) especially the first hour in the car when setting off on a holiday as our 2 personality types are most thrown into stark relief at this time. I have packed for everyone, cleaned the house, organised the kids, the pet sitters, the garden, booked the holiday etc. etc., he has wandered around the house, checked he has all the right music on his phone, and made sure he has packed stuff relating to his bike obsession. Then I sit in the car with the kids for 30 minutes whilst he has a poo, checks the doors, makes tea and FAFFS.

He also faffs getting out of a car. So we stop at a cafe, we are all hungry. I'm out of the car before it has almost stopped moving. The kids follow shortly after. 5 minutes later, he is STILL in the bloody car, putting his shoes on, checking his phone, staring into a bag argghh.

But like I say, a gentle personality. I'm probably lucky and he's never going to change.

Definitely not always true that faffiness goes hand in hand with an affable, easy-going personality. DH is faffy but also stressy and not at all laid back.

How many of these faffy menfolk had mothers who just did everything for them? DH certainly. I actually think this type of behaviour is consequence of being molly-coddled and given no responsibility in the home.

I knew it! So glad to see this thread, my DH is such a faffer and he is always acting all hurt when I tell him he's taking forever to do everything!

We just moved house and it's a miracle he's still alive. Two boxes left to do in the kitchen, and he spent 6 hours unpacking them while I entertained DD, unpacked the entire living room, and DD's bedroom, and I'm 9 months pregnant....!

Phoenix mine is also faffy and stressy. I am less faffy but more laid back.

This thread is so funny. I can relate a lot of my DH to it.

I refer to him as Mr Why Leave The House Once When I Can Leave Twice. Regularly.

He also does the coat thing. He asked me how he looked and was pained when I said he looked like a vagabond - jeans, trainers, hoodie topped off with a very smart, formal, wool coat.

He also does the standing thing. Most often in the place that has the most traffic in the house so in the downstairs hall or entrance to the kitchen.

He also says he'll empty the dishwasher 'later as it takes too long' despite me timing him once - 4 minutes. When he loads it, he always has to leave one item behind. Why??

On some things he can be super decisive to the extent that I can end up feeling a bit panic striken. Eg I say, what about for our holiday next year and the next minute he's costed it out, got an itinerary and ready to put it on the cc.

He is very laid back and generally of happy disposition. He does have a high pressure job.

He wasn't mollycoddled but was sent to boarding school whilst his parents jetted round the world. I do think effectively leaving home at 11 has left a big scar.

Oh God, the travel faffing. My Dad was terrible. We used to take the train to France and Spain and he'd always disappear at the last minute to buy a paper leaving my poor Mum with no money, tickets or passports with whistles going off.

I'd be petrified and would have LTB for that if he'd been my DH.

well, I try to have a row but it's hard when the other person isn't rowing back

This, a thousand times this. It's really frustrating, argue with me FFS man!!!

Ha! This thread is cracking me up! Will return soon with some faff stories. Shamelessly marking my place

YANBU. I am married to a faffer and he seems to have a similar method of bathing children as you're dh. It takes me 10 mins tops whereas it can take him up to an hour. And don't even mention the very rare occasion he offers to wash up, all that faffing with glasses first, then plates and so on.....

Jux Yes, DH is also convinced everything takes 10 minutes! When we go on holiday, he will confidently say that getting up half an hour before we leave is plenty. Further investigation reveals he's allowed 10 minutes to shower, 10 minutes to dress and finish packing and 10 minutes for breakfast. Every time I have to convince him he needs at least half an hour for each of these tasks.

This is so uncanny!
Why do men need a poo when everyone else is ready in the car?
Mine also thinks everything will take 10 mins. I lie continually about times of things so that we can be punctual not embarrassingly late.
I've got so fed up of food shopping taking hours due to every label being scrutinized that I go round with a trolley and give him a basket to "get some fruit and veg" in 20 mins I can do a weeks worth of shopping and find him still scrutinizing every piece of fresh ginger to find just the right one.
Good job I love him.

I don't think it's nearly as clear cut as that TheAwfulDaughter and certainly in DH's case isn't indicative of a lack of respect at all. If anything I'd say it's that he's very easily distracted and not a good planner, combined with routines he got in to when he was very young (e.g. the going to the loo thing, it's ingrained and his dad does it too!) He also has a terrible memory which doesn't help.

I most certainly do not do the stuff he's faffed over.

Maybe think a little more carefully about your words before you condemn other people's relationships. DH might have flaws and his faffing nips my head, but he's a great dad who takes excellent care of our child. But clearly your DH is perfect and flawless.

My DP isn't really a faffer. For which I am thankful after reading this thread!

But something he is rubbish at is organising things like holidays and outings. We have literally been on weekends away that I've organised where he has no idea where we're going or what the plan is, and he barely asks any questions, just happily follows me along and lives in the moment of it all.

I couldn't understand it, but he says its because his job requires so much planning and thinking ahead and identifying risks and solving problems (project manager) that it's the last thing he wants to do in his downtime. I wonder if there is a similar explanation here for those who faff at home but are super efficient at work.

I am glad I'm not alone.

• Standing in front of the fridge & plate cupboard when I'm making DD's meal
• Sitting around in his pants when he's supposed to be getting dress (rarely before mid-day). Why he can't get dressed in one go, I do not understand. Pants on, sit and have a read until I come up & hassle him
• All ready to go out - must make a cup of tea
• 15 mins to get anywhere. Except a nearby village where we have friends. That (in the real world) takes 20 mins. He's convinced it takes 40mins. Why is it he underestimates how long it takes to get everywhere, except that one place?

What IS IT though.

Mine does 'research'. So how it goes is we will decide to do something. Perhaps it is a job around the house. Perhaps it is a day out. Perhaps purchase a new appliance.

He will then spend hours, DAYS EVEN, online 'researching' the very very best way to do this thing. I have done entire DIY tasks in the time it has taken him to 'research' the best way to do them. We have missed days out because he was too engrossed in 'researching' the best day out.

Also he does the thing where he says he'll make me a cup of tea, then doesn't, then gets all sad face when I make it myself. 'Ohhhh I was just about to do that!' 'WELL YOU FUCKING DIDN'T DID YOU.'

Immaculate forearms. Really, 10/10.

There are undoubtedly some people who use faffing as an avoidance technique because they're reluctant to do whatever they should be doing or think it's beneath them. But to tar every "faffer" with that brush is way off the mark.

There are others who are just naturally disorganised, poor planners, very laid back people, whatever. Doesn't make them crap people or bad partners, just different. I'm a high stress, impulsive person with ASD who wants things done now and tends to get stuff done very fast because I hyperfocus. I am sure there are time that drives DH insane as I can be very intense, just like there are times his faffing drives me crazy. We're different people and have plenty respect for each other and generally the personality differences complement each other but it doesn't mean that we don't annoy each other or clash sometimes. Sometimes I'll see him doing something in a random faffy way and say "why don't you just do X instead" and he invariably laughs at himself and replies "hmm, that would make more sense wouldn't it"...

Oh, and I'd be plenty happy if any future sons we have turn out like him.

YANBU and I feel your pain. My DH is the same and I'm sick of being late for things and sick of waiting forever in the car for him. My DH is not only painfully slow and faffy but he doesn't care if we're late for things or take much notice of what time things start. Most morning we get up at the same time, ill shower and dry my hair, make up, ready for work etc, get DD ready and fed for nursery and by the time I've done all that myself he STILL isn't ready. I don't know what the fuck he is doing. And he's never apologetic about it twat

The worst thing is when, if I'm sitting waiting for him to get ready, he'll come down about 40 minutes late and say "come on then we're gonna be late"

Honestly TheAwfulDaughter there are not many people who could live with me and put up with my control freakery, bad moods and stress levels. the faffing drives me insane, but is balanced by his patience, tolerance and easy going nature. I can't change him (god knows I've tried) but maybe it's a good thing.