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Original poster

Discreet breastfeeding [title edited by HQ]

236 replies

KnackeredMerrily · 05/12/2014 12:43

Am I the only one to get furious when I keep reading people being 'reasonable' about breastfeeding.

"I dont mind people breastfeeding wherever they like as long as they're discrete about it."

There was NOTHING discrete about my breastfeeding. I didn't have the right breasts or the right latch to be able to be one of those who could do it with no one having a clue. Neither could I put a cover on - I needed to be able to keep a decent eye on him, make sure I wouldn't smother him with a boob, make sure he was attached and I never felt able to happily breathe under a cover (I have asthma) so I was never happy doing it to my son. For the first few months I used 2 hands feeding so it was tricky to establish latch under a cover and keep it so I could peek.

I feel that other women who cannot be discreet should be able to breastfeeds wherever they like and I feel a prang of pride everytime I am chatting to a Mum who is nonchalant about how much boob she shows when she is feeding. Good for them.

No new mother thinks "Hoorah, breastfeeding is a great excuse to get my tits out in public". It's always the caveat "as long as they're not showing anything", that really pisses me off. The ones that don't are not doing it for attention!!!

OP posts:
NorahBone · 05/12/2014 22:15

Brummiegirl it's very unlikely anyone would say anything to you irl. If anyone has ever been disapproving towards me when I've been feeding my baby I wouldn't have noticed as I'm usually a bit preoccupied. Unless they'd come up to me, but people aren't usually that much of a dick. When it comes down to it you just want to avoid a baby screaming the place down and any reasonable person would be on your side.

Original poster
KnackeredMerrily · 05/12/2014 22:20

Brummiegirl - as advised, local breastfeeding support groups and Mums and Babies groups are a great way to build breastfeeding confidence. I think I didn't even feed during the first one or two I went to I just talked, had coffee and was in awe of these women.

OP posts:
TheABC · 05/12/2014 22:22

So Claridges employs idiots. I went to a (heavenly) afternoon tea at Fortnums & Masons when DS was 4 months old. Staff could not do enough for me, to the point of pouring tea as I "had my hands full". No comments and no eyelids batted from other customers either, except to say how lovely DS was...

BreconBeBuggered · 05/12/2014 22:36

'However, there are times when BF mothers do so in a way that almost seeks to attract controversy or attention or to make a point, and draw attention to BF issue, that sort of action merely polarises opinions.'

What, you've seen individual women going about their daily lives and taking the trouble to politicise feeding their babies? Give us an example, because out of context that looks like complete bollocks to me.

RedToothBrush · 05/12/2014 22:37

However, there are times when BF mothers do so in a way that almost seeks to attract controversy or attention or to make a point, and draw attention to BF issue, that sort of action merely polarises opinions.

How dare they make a point. They should sit in the corner and not have an opinion as well as not feed in public.

To be frank about it, if it pisses off Daily Mail readers, its probably a good thing.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to work out the social etiquette of Mr Farage here, when he says "Breastfeeding women should never be embarrassed by staff asking them to stop, and most mums will recognise the need to be discreet in certain, limited, circumstances. It's just a question of good manners."

So what are these limited circumstances? Anyone got any ideas?

Inertia · 05/12/2014 22:43

Tron, in what way are these mothers seeking to make a point? Are they standing up and demanding that everyone watch them feed? Breastfeeding while robbing a bank , or inciting racial hatred? Or are they just not hiding themselves away sufficiently for your delicate sensibilities?

Tron123 · 05/12/2014 22:49

As I said BF is natural and if you BF a necessity, if a baby needs feeding then of course he/she will need to be fed. However, there is way of doing this, not hiding but equally not in the most prominent way possible, really that is just common sense and good manners

Inertia · 05/12/2014 22:53

It really is nothing to do with common sense and good manners.

What do you mean by prominence? Do you object when other people sit in the middle of restaurants, cafes and parks and eat, without hiding under a blanket? Do you hide yourself away when you eat in public, to avoid undue prominence? Should bottle fed babies also avoid being prominent?

leeloo1 · 05/12/2014 22:53

"However, there are times when BF mothers do so in a way that almost seeks to attract controversy or attention or to make a point, and draw attention to BF issue, that sort of action merely polarises opinions."

Could you give examples of what you mean Tron? Do you mean feed-ins or just when a BF mother doesn't hide herself away quietly in a corner?

"Breastfeeding women should never be embarrassed by staff asking them to stop, and most mums will recognise the need to be discreet in certain, limited, circumstances. It's just a question of good manners."

Why would BF mothers feel embarrassed by being asked to stop? They should feel justifiably angry and the staff in question should be embarrassed at their own inadequacies.

To my mind anyone being negative about BFing can just fuck off! I feel so sorry for any mother who faces negativity or feels embarrassed to feed in public (that poem linked to just made me cry). Luckily I live in London, so its fairly 'normal' to BF, and after the first few weeks of getting used to it all and going to BFing groups etc I fed DS everywhere - buses, tubes, on a pallet in IKEA... when the choice is screaming baby/toddler (I BF til he was 3) then you feed. And of course, if you're eating in a restaurant then you feed them at the table... I have many times and most people didn't even notice (and I have fairly big norks, so its not impossible) or perhaps they did notice - but as long as there aren't any negative comments then who cares.

DoJo · 05/12/2014 22:54

It's just a question of good manners.

Failing to provide nutrition for your child is good manners? That's a new spin on it I suppose...Confused

RedToothBrush · 05/12/2014 22:54

Tron, you haven't answered the question.

What are the limited circumstances?

Answer it, or you just prove you are sprouting drivel.

BreconBeBuggered · 05/12/2014 22:55

So who does breastfeed in 'the most prominent way possible'? For me, that would have been stripping to the waist and getting both J-cups out, which might have been a bit chilly. Have you actually seen anyone do that?

Tron123 · 05/12/2014 23:01

That is my point "most people" don't notice but if they do fine, BF is natural but just as to draw attention not because the baby is hungry but to the fact you are BF is poor manners .

leeloo1 · 05/12/2014 23:01

"not hiding but equally not in the most prominent way possible, really that is just common sense and good manners"

cross-posted with this... I had to walk across a cafe whilst BFing today Tron, so was about as prominent as I could have been. Alternative would have been trying to unlatch 14 month old DD and she would have screamed and been very very unhappy. Mmm, who do I care more about - random strangers in a cafe or DD? I'd say I used common sense (by feeding my baby when she needed it) and good manners (by not making her scream and disturb everyone else having their coffee).

Tbh, If I wanted to BF as 'prominently' as possible in the middle of Piccadilly Circus in rush hour then as long as DD and I are comfortable then I don't see an issue. If other people don't have the 'good manners' to support BFing mothers then, as I said before, they should fuck off and stay at home where they won't be offended.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 05/12/2014 23:05

I don't know anyone who draws attention to themselves when breastfeeding and neither have I ever seen anyone do this. Not that I would mind if they did - it's still my choice to look away if for some reason it was bothering me (which it wouldn't!).

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/12/2014 23:06

I'd be the first to agree that such people are incredibly rare, but Tron does have a point about a limited few

We used to have a lot of public meetings when campaigning for a school; one mum always arrived early to secure a front row seat, then sent her two toddlers off to play. When others sat down by her she'd ask loudly "have you seen ds/dd anywhere - they'll be ready for the breast" and on their arrival her top would be lifted high to full expose both breasts. Their feeding would then be accompanied by more loud cries from mum along the lines of "oooo, you smelt the breast, didn't you!!" and so on

As I said, such women aren't seen very often and absolutely shouldn't be used as an excuse to disadvantage others - but at the same time there's no denying that they do exist

Tron123 · 05/12/2014 23:07

If the baby is hungry then of course feed them wherever, to feed in the most prominent place just to make a point that you are BF and should be allowed to BF anywhere shows a lack of judgement

RedToothBrush · 05/12/2014 23:08

Still not answering the question Tron?

What are the limited circumstances?

Provide examples.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 05/12/2014 23:09

Tron - who does this though, really? One or two bizarre women that people can drum up to validate your point? That doesn't mean that anyone else should face disapproval for breastfeeding in a way that some random other person deems to be "indiscreet" or "poor manners" or "lacking judgement".

FastWindow · 05/12/2014 23:11

The reason that people men get uncomfortable with bf in public is roundly to do with the oversexualisation of breasts. None so far on the thread has mentioned it. The ancient function of the damn things gets forgotten in the page 3/ playboy mentality. That's why they are so uncomfortable, because they like to have a chew on a nipple themselves and confuse basic nature with intake of breath borderline paedophilia. Lots of men just can't separate the sexual from the biological function, so they make women feel uncomfortable, because they themselves do.

Tron123 · 05/12/2014 23:15

Like I said bf is natural, bf mothers should not face disapproval due to the actions of some.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/12/2014 23:17

Absolutely right, Tron Wink

BreconBeBuggered · 05/12/2014 23:19

Thing is, people have such widely disparate ideas about what constitutes indiscreet behaviour that you cannot possibly moderate your breastfeeding habits to accommodate everyone. Not that I have ever tried. I got more embarrassed at the thought of hiding myself away somewhere private and making everyone else wait for me.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 05/12/2014 23:19

Apart from you disapproving, Tron, when women breastfeed in a place or position that you deem to be too prominent, and when you decide they are doing it to provoke a response.

perplexedpirate · 05/12/2014 23:25

Ok, so I admit that seeing breast feeding gives me a twinge of discomfort, but that's because I couldn't and was forced to try even though it was literally impossible due to surgical issues.
HOWEVER, I am fully aware that it is MY problem, and if anyone needs to move, cover up, or make any other concessions, it's me.
Breastfeed everywhere, if you're able to. Lucky you, and lucky your baby.
I always smile at mums feeding, whether bottle or breast, because it's a lovely bonding time.
Hoorah for babies! Hoorah for boobs!
Grow the fuck up, naysayers.