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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discreet breastfeeding [title edited by HQ]

236 replies

KnackeredMerrily · 05/12/2014 12:43

Am I the only one to get furious when I keep reading people being 'reasonable' about breastfeeding.

"I dont mind people breastfeeding wherever they like as long as they're discrete about it."

There was NOTHING discrete about my breastfeeding. I didn't have the right breasts or the right latch to be able to be one of those who could do it with no one having a clue. Neither could I put a cover on - I needed to be able to keep a decent eye on him, make sure I wouldn't smother him with a boob, make sure he was attached and I never felt able to happily breathe under a cover (I have asthma) so I was never happy doing it to my son. For the first few months I used 2 hands feeding so it was tricky to establish latch under a cover and keep it so I could peek.

I feel that other women who cannot be discreet should be able to breastfeeds wherever they like and I feel a prang of pride everytime I am chatting to a Mum who is nonchalant about how much boob she shows when she is feeding. Good for them.

No new mother thinks "Hoorah, breastfeeding is a great excuse to get my tits out in public". It's always the caveat "as long as they're not showing anything", that really pisses me off. The ones that don't are not doing it for attention!!!

OP posts:
Bambambini · 05/12/2014 19:32

My first cried a lot, wanted to bf all the time or it was often the only way to stop him crying. I was knackered and recovering from an EMCS. Pils came for a week and we are out having dinner. Not sure what people really want you to do. Baby starts screaming, my dinner is in front of me, everyone is sitting. Is it really so wrong to quickly put the baby on to feed to stop him crying, to be able hopefully to eat a warm dinner (and let's face it it's not that fun or easy Bfeeding and eating at a table with others).

Guess alternatives would be for me to let the baby scream and annoy everyone or take the baby off to the loo or elsewhere for what could be a fair time and let my dinner get cold and be like a leper whilst everyone else gets to sit and eat theirs and be sociable. Do people really expect new mums to do this to spare everyone else?

Lillieshill · 05/12/2014 19:38

I completely agree 100 per cent OP. I get tired of even pro breastfeeding women on mumsnet banging on about how easy it is to be discreet and they were always discreet with no nipple on show. Like you this was not possible for me as ds had real feeding problems. And anyway, I hate the implication that there is something inherently shameful or a bit gross about bf so you need to be 'discreet'.

monkeymamma · 05/12/2014 19:53

Ha ha Farage is a grade a pillock.

My boobs are enormo so discreet feeding was never an option. Not that I cared.

But what made discretion doubly impossible was my DS's habit of making a (very) loud 'Mmmm gulp, MMMM GULP, mmmm gulp,' noise every time he fed, often followed by the loudest 'aahhhhhhh' he could manage :-)

mrspremise · 05/12/2014 19:54

Um, yeah, because the massive nipple tassels that all BF mums wear to draw attention to themselves are SO distracting to the poor little sensitive public... 'Ostentatious breastfeeding', FFS, what's next? Complaints about the 'demonstratively disabled' or the 'wilfully different'. Blimey O'Reilly... Hmm

Tron123 · 05/12/2014 20:16

I don't think people are saying that BF should not be seen hidden, but there is a point about any action in a public place. BF is natural and feeding a baby is a necessity, there are however occasions where a BF mother tries to make a point of feeding so publicly and that it is that that is inappropriate.

Treefalling · 05/12/2014 20:28

Time for a little Hollie McNish:

www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2013/07/hollie_mcnish_o

fakenamefornow · 05/12/2014 20:40

there are however occasions where a BF mother tries to make a point of feeding so publicly and that it is that that is inappropriate.

Eh?

Icimoi · 05/12/2014 20:42

But Tron, have you ever actually seen a mother "making a point of feeding so publicly"? Because I've never seen it, and I've seen an awful lot of breastfeeding mothers. In fact, I don't know how you'd make a point of it, short of standing up beforehand and making an announcement.

fakenamefornow · 05/12/2014 20:43

Just out of interest does anybody know what Farage thinks of page 3?

DoJo · 05/12/2014 20:43

there are however occasions where a BF mother tries to make a point of feeding so publicly

Are there? You mean outside of demonstrations where people feed to make a point? Literally never seen that happen, and I can't imagine why anyone would want to 'make a point' except perhaps to make others feel more comfortable breastfeeding, which is not only admirable, but good for society.

AmpleRaspberries · 05/12/2014 20:48

Love that Tree never sat and watched it before. pretty powerful.

I have this (as yet untested) theory that if you sat with someone who is anti public bf or obsessed with being discreet and just asked them why until you got a proper answer as to why a bf mother shouldn't do it how she likes they'd flounder pretty quickly, after waffling about old people not liking it etc etc.

I've yet to see anything where someone is able to explain why they don't want to see bf. I mean, if they don't ,they don't, but why they feel that carries any weight remains a mystery.

brokenhearted55a · 05/12/2014 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorahBone · 05/12/2014 20:55

Yanbu. I've got to admit that after 1year, a fairly tricky start and several minor problems along the way I was feeling quietly proud of myself for still bfing. However, when I read the thread about Claridges I felt kind of upset, because I had no idea I was supposed to be discreet about it and that I was being really inconsiderate to other people. I certainly had no idea I was putting people off their food.
Although when the nutters come out and start comparing a baby drinking milk to pissing on the carpet I do get the urge to "wap my baps out" at every opportunity (preferably accompanied by comic sound effects).
Totally empathise with every word you wrote, op.

Fabulous46 · 05/12/2014 21:02

But Tron, have you ever actually seen a mother "making a point of feeding so publicly"?

Watch the press you'll see it tomorrow when they have a "feed in" outside Claridges. They will be making a point of publicly feeding then.

Alfiepants · 05/12/2014 21:07

The attitude towards mothers really upsets me. No mother actually wants to get her boob out at a table in a restaurant but guess what the alternative is far worse! A Screaming hungry baby in claridges isn't that discreet either! Also it presupposes thAt women are somehow in control of the whole process - I bet Nigel garage has never tried to feeds a baby with silent reflux who screams with pain after one minute of every feed and then has trouble latching on. Coupled with massive boobs that you have to hold with two hands! It's upsetting and you feel like an abject failure that everyone looks at and depressed because you can't even pop out for a quick coffee in Starbucks let alone claridges! Shame on those people for judging.

brokenhearted55a · 05/12/2014 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaroldCopter · 05/12/2014 21:18

Echo so many comments here. The pleasing irony about the Farage issue is the fact that the main protagonist in a debate about tits is, well, himself a tit, as he had demonstrated.

YY to everyone saying they've never seen any BF mum being "ostentatious" about it. What are we, a bunch of tit-waving, nip-flashing exhibitionists? ERR NO (apart from that one incident with the postie)the fact is when you are SOLELY responsible for all nourishment in a human being's first 6 months of life, they may sometimes NEED feeding when there are other people around. What are we supposed to do? Hide away for 6 months?!

I'm hoping to TTC #2 next year. I never got anything but positive comments when BF #1. You know what? When BF #2 I think I might go to Claridges and try and hunt Farage down somewhere for a bit of spot!

HaroldCopter · 05/12/2014 21:26

Yes, Fabulous, they might do, but that's to make a point, in response to Claridge's absurd, irrational, misogynistic and frankly unlawful policy. I'm sure 100% of those that take part in any such event would rather wish they didn't have to, to combat some of those kinds of point of view.

Inertia · 05/12/2014 21:36

Tron, you're wrong. There is nothing inappropriate about a woman breastfeeding a baby. It isn't a behavioural issue to be judged, it is quite simply feeding a baby. No moral standpoint required.

Barbarianmum, it all makes perefct sense now- of course it congealed! Though there's something to be said for Binary's lizard hypothesis too. My best suggestion is that a lizard laid an egg amongst the detritus of an ashtray, a drip tray, and some long-abandoned racism. The result congealed out from the gloop, then somehow managed to take on human form and acquire an expensive education, a high- earning banking career, xenophobic hatred and the power to beguile gullible idiots. It's beginning to malfunction slightly now because it doesn't fully understand how the human race nourishes its young.

Brummiegirl15 · 05/12/2014 21:37

I'm pregnant with my first and I want to bf but do you know what? The idea of going it in public fucking terrifies me.

I'm worried I'm going to be humiliated and embarrassed by people. I even had a full on row with my own mother today about it!!

I was told I should feed under a pashmina and have consideration for others. I am actually embarrassed about potentially feeding in public and that's awful.

But I worry I won't get support from my own family. I said to my Mum so where should I feed? The toilet? She floundered at that and said no of course not.

I think the problem is other people getting embarrassed and not wanting to see it. Which is ridiculous. And besides what people think shouldn't matter.

Bambambini · 05/12/2014 21:53

I had no issues feeding in public, I really don't think negative reactions are that common though I am wondering what people are really thinking after reading some of the shocking anti BF comments in the Mail.

So many ignorant comments, don't think most of them have a clue about the realities of BFeeding a very young baby and how often and all consuming it can be. I'm really quite taken aback at the hatred and disgust being shown.

BinarySolo · 05/12/2014 21:54

It's really simple. If they don't like it they can look away.

As for feeding just to make a point/ show off: have the people saying that ever tried to breast feed a child that doesn't want feeding? If the baby is being fed it's because they're hungry/need comfort/want to sleep - ultimately the baby want to feed. It wouldn't latch on on the whim of its ostentatious mother.

FFS

EmbarrassedPossessed · 05/12/2014 21:54

Brummiegirl, try going to a breastfeeding group first and get used to feeding in front of people who are definitely supportive. Then find a cafe or somewhere that you feel comfortable - maybe somewhere child friendly. Once you have done it a few times it becomes easier and easier.

Tron123 · 05/12/2014 22:05

As I said BF is natural and a necessity if your child is BF, as is feeding on demand. However, there are times when BF mothers do so in a way that almost seeks to attract controversy or attention or to make a point, and draw attention to BF issue, that sort of action merely polarises opinions.

Bambambini · 05/12/2014 22:09

But where are all these attention seeking Bfeeders? I never see them though my sister probably thinks I was attention seeking for not always hiding away from people like she did.