Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discreet breastfeeding [title edited by HQ]

236 replies

KnackeredMerrily · 05/12/2014 12:43

Am I the only one to get furious when I keep reading people being 'reasonable' about breastfeeding.

"I dont mind people breastfeeding wherever they like as long as they're discrete about it."

There was NOTHING discrete about my breastfeeding. I didn't have the right breasts or the right latch to be able to be one of those who could do it with no one having a clue. Neither could I put a cover on - I needed to be able to keep a decent eye on him, make sure I wouldn't smother him with a boob, make sure he was attached and I never felt able to happily breathe under a cover (I have asthma) so I was never happy doing it to my son. For the first few months I used 2 hands feeding so it was tricky to establish latch under a cover and keep it so I could peek.

I feel that other women who cannot be discreet should be able to breastfeeds wherever they like and I feel a prang of pride everytime I am chatting to a Mum who is nonchalant about how much boob she shows when she is feeding. Good for them.

No new mother thinks "Hoorah, breastfeeding is a great excuse to get my tits out in public". It's always the caveat "as long as they're not showing anything", that really pisses me off. The ones that don't are not doing it for attention!!!

OP posts:
Tron123 · 05/12/2014 23:34

As I said bf is natural I am not "disapproving" but neither am I saying bf wherever or whenever you want when is appropriate 100per cent of the time. That is good manners

YonicScrewdriver · 05/12/2014 23:36

Which places are bad manners, Tron? Are there also places where it is bad manners to bottle feed?

Have you signed the no more page 3 petition, out of interest?

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2014 23:40

I bf two children for the best part of a year each and never felt any disapproval so I do wonder how widespread these attitudes to bf really are.

However, and I'll probably be flamed for this, I do think in certain circumstances that it's just considerate to make an effort to be discreet. When I fed around my mum, sister, brother, friends etc I knew none of them would bat an eyelid. But I knew my FIL and my teenage nephews felt awkward around me when I was feeding - as if they were scared that they might see something they shouldn't - and so I did do my best to make things easier for them by being discreet. I didn't hide under a blanket or go into another room. I just kept myself a bit more covered then I mighthave done if I had been sitting chatting to my friend. Is that so bad?

YonicScrewdriver · 05/12/2014 23:41

And you understand that BF is often happening whenever and wherever the baby wants, right?

Personally, I'd've loved to have always fed at home with the TV remote handy but sometimes I had to venture out to the shops and things...

PuffinsAreFictitious · 05/12/2014 23:44

Farage is an utter git, as almost everyone knows, but one comment from Ann Leslie had me howling. She said that we have to understand that the type of person who supports UKIP is often older and not very well educated.

Perhaps that's why they don't realise that BFing in public, is perfectly normal. Bollocks to discreet, if you can feed discreetly, all well and good, if you can't, tough, people who don't want to see a baby being fed have the option of looking away.

I really, truly don't see the issue here. And quaint ideas of 'good manners' be damned.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 05/12/2014 23:45

JCW, what you're not doing is judging other women for how they are happy to breastfeed. Of course each woman will feel comfortable doing things differently to other women, but it's not necessary to judge others as having bad manners, poor judgement or being indiscreet if they do things differently to you. Tron is judging others based on what (s)he believes to be "good manners" - you aren't judging anyone else, just explaining how you feel about how you breastfeed.

girlwiththemousyhair · 05/12/2014 23:47

window - I totally agree with you. Somehow boobs stop being the play thing for men and are actually used for their biological function. I have BF all 3 children. But you do know not to wear a dress unless it has buttons down the front. The worst I had was in Ireland was at Ds2 Christening when I was asked to BF out the back on some beer crates. My DM was horrified but somehow I sucked it in. Just get your tits out for the babies, or don't ever leave the house

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2014 23:48

Yonic, not sure if that was directed at me but in my experience it's not possible to feed a child for nearly a year and be confined to the house Hmm

FastWindow · 05/12/2014 23:51

I understand the 'making things easier' sentiment, JCW. But only for elderly relatives. Your teenage nephews need to know this stuff is normal, otherwise, aren't you just doing your bit to perpetuate the shame? Do you shield your teenage nieces if you have any the same way? Not trying to antagonise just thought-provoke.

YonicScrewdriver · 05/12/2014 23:51

It was at Tron, JCW! I agree it's not possible, just loved my sofa-TV-BF time Grin

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2014 23:53

Embarrassed, but it comes across from this thread (and others) that ANY suggestion that a bf mum should take account of others (perhaps misguided) feelings is somehow a negative thing or is letting the side down. All I'm saying is that, in common with many areas of life, in certain circumstances it's courteous to consider others.

FastWindow · 05/12/2014 23:55

mousy my DH is Irish, and he wasn't ever comfortable with me bf. He tried to advocate SMA over and above bf and acted so vindicated when I had to give up bf after one miserable month of trying to bf prem ds, it was very satisfying to bf dd for six full months.

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2014 23:55

Fast, don't have teenage nieces but I suspect they'd have been more relaxed around it. Ny nephews were at the height of teenage hormone hell and v self conscious in so many ways when I was feeding and just looked petrified about the whole business. They are now wonderful young men and if I was in the same position now I wouldn't think twice about it. But at 13 & 14 it was just torture for them!

girlwiththemousyhair · 05/12/2014 23:57

Window, aren't the 'elderly relatives' the ones that understand and know about bf? Even 80 year old men with families will have witnessed it at some point.

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2014 23:57

Sorry Yonic! I loved my sofa time too. Watched the entire Sex & The City box set while bf DD2.... Happy days!

Tron123 · 05/12/2014 23:58

Agreed just because people have different views and being tolerant to others views is important. By the same token being sensitive to appropriateness is also important, and that I think is the basis of my views. Just as I believe we should ( most people do ) moderate our behaviour around others according to the context we should moderate actions. Of course if a baby needs feeding it happens but there are times when being obvious is not appropriate whereas some posts seem to suggest anything goes

AmpleRaspberries · 05/12/2014 23:59

For those saying why don't bf women take account of the feelings of those around them, mutual respect etc, why do the feelings of people who don't want to see someone bf trump someone being able to bf how and when they want to?

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:01

No JCW, there is such a thing as courtesy. But it becomes less and less relevant as I believe the only reason to show that courtesy is towards the generation that never ever bfed in any setting other than home alone, and would have a very hard time dealing with today's liberal ways. It's not worth upsetting someone.

I think we are a little more advanced as a gender, aren't we? Even my 73 year old dad gets it now. But his dad wouldn't have. Even regarding his own wife. And forgive me but I think formula wasn't widely available before the seventies or even affordable.

Women's work. Lock yourselves away, don't be seen.

girlwiththemousyhair · 06/12/2014 00:10

Sorry Window, I think we cross posted. Some nationalities are very strange about BF. In my local Italian restaurant/pub nobody batted an eyelid - except an elderly Irish guy. I won't ever need to BF again but it has to become the norm. After you have given birth and every bit of you has been examined and seen by 'everyone' - what is a mistaken nipple on show?

EmbarrassedPossessed · 06/12/2014 00:10

To be honest, Tron, I can't think of a situation where it would be inappropriate to breastfeed barring obviously unsafe situations. I also don't mind how a woman chooses to breastfeed, whatever works for her. I don't need to look if I find that it does bother me. I personally also felt that if any of my friends and family found it upsetting then they could not look or go elsewhere. None of my friends/family would have thought that I was deliberately trying to upset them and they also wouldn't have projected their discomfort onto me and tried to ask me to stop.

I don't understand why many people are so keen to tell women how to behave and what they must do to avoid offending others, when all they are doing is feeding their baby!

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:10

jcw, why would nieces be a) more relaxed (hormones happening there too) or b) be expected to handle it better?

Lots of gender stereotyping going on there.

I had the admittedly very uncomfortable experience of bf both of mine with dh previous sons in the room. Sons being 7- 15 first time, 10-18 second time round. I found that if I was confident about it and chatted normally - and as time went made a joke about it such as 'jeesus, no biting!' it normalised the whole thing. Yes, it's awkward. But it's up to us to get them over it. They are the adults of the future and their attitudes are what we teach them, iyswim.

JohnCusacksWife · 06/12/2014 00:12

Ok, Fast, I guess we can agree to disagree. My courtesy cost me nothing and made everyone involved less self conscious. I was happy and my babies were fed. That was enough for me.

JohnCusacksWife · 06/12/2014 00:15

Fast, in my experience teenage girls are less freaked out by a close relatives breasts than teenage boys are. No gender stereo typing....just I know my nephews and, with the greatest of respect, you don't. Had they been different kinds of boys things might have been different but it was just easier all round (including for me) to be a bit more discreet with them than I might have been had they not been there. What's so hard to understand?

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:18

Yes mousygirl the southern States (France, Spain ime) give no shits.

The northern States (Norway etc) will defend your right to bf naked because they do love a good humanitarian cause. Bit ott ime.

The middle States give also zero shits because.. They just don't care. NL, I'm looking at you.

So that leaves... The UK. No wonder other countries think we are uptight.

PuffinsAreFictitious · 06/12/2014 00:18

I've tried really hard but I can't come up with a single place where it would be inappropriate to feed a hungry baby. I've known women bf in church, at meetings, on planes and all kinds if other places and not a single one was inappropriate. Surely the one time we should be safe from the judgement of others is when we're feeding our babies?