To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

[bookbag40]

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

Op, you would have clutched your pearls big time if you read a thread on here a few months ago. A family -,mum, dad, 2 dc went on a week long foreign annual holiday, every single year as a foursome. Even when these dc got married, even when they had kids. It was the spouse of one of them on here posting an aibu, she had a new born and toddler and her dh was off on his holiday with his mum dad and sibling.
'Twas interesting.

Iirc many people were agreeing how nice it would be to always have a holiday with just your own kids.

Generally other than that yes we always see my parents as a family. So for example I can't imagine that my parents would ever ring up and say "bookbag we'd like to go for a meal with you but we don't want Mr Bookbag to come we'd love to see you on your own" - I would be shocked and hurt on DHs behalf if they did

My mother tearfully admitted one day that it had been about 10 years since she had been able to have any sort of lunch with "just" her daughter (my sister) because, like you, my sister thought it was "offensive" to not include her H if they went out somewhere.

My BIL may be family, may be treated well, but he is NOT her son and she doesn't feel comfortable talking about some things around him. She was hurt my sister didn't recognise the importance of having time alone with her mother/parents. I had a chat with my sister and they had lunch together.

As for the joint presents things... depends on your family size I think but in our small family we definitely got more from our mother/parents than our spouses did. There's nothing odd about it. There's no hard feelings, it just is how it is. In fact, I can't say I know anyone who has ever compared value of presents. Being totally excluded is another thing though.

This is interesting. My inlaws do not treat me like a dc at all But they do spend the same amount on us at birthday and Christmas. I didn't have a great relationship with my own father, so I have more 'daughterly' feelings for him, but had a Great relationship with my mother and could never ever call MIL mum! Had the hardest time calling her by her first name too, thank heavens Ds came along and I now call her nanny like ds does!

Daughterly feelings towards FIL that is

I've been thinking a lot about this thread. Partly because my mum is dying and partly because of the upcoming lunch with my DCs.

When I divorced, all our family traditions were shot to fuck. They were all out the window. All the stuff we did as a family didn't exist any more. I started new traditions, just me and my kids.

One of those traditions was that the first Sunday in December and the last Sunday in August we would go out to lunch and do a spot of shopping - just me and my kids. To give us, as our wee family, new traditions.

Isn't that what's recommended on here? That you make your own family traditions?

DS has a GF. She's long term. I've never asked her to go with us, because it's a me and my kids thing. DS has never asked that she come with us. Twice a year. For lunch. And somehow, on here, that means I won't be allowed to see grandchildren, if they ever have any? Balls to that.

I don't want to be her mother - she has a mother of her own, I don't want to tread on her mother's toes.

As far as photos is concerned, as part of a long series of "groups of all sorts of people" at a wedding, I don't see an issue with just a mum and dad and their own children.

Same with my mum and dad taking me to lunch for my birthday - I've actually be in tears since I posted that, because I've realised, that, at my advanced age and with my mum about to die, that's the only lunch ever in my life I have had with just my mum and dad and me. And it will most likely be the only lunch I will have ever in my life with just my mum, my dad and me. And I'm still waiting for bookbag to come back and answer me on that one.

My mum has jewellery. She has decided which of her pieces each of the grandchildren will get. But only I get her rings. I'm her only daughter, and I'm to have her rings. Her engagement ring, my gran's engagement ring and my great-gran's engagement ring. Going by this, there are generations of DILs who should be upset that they didn't get dibs on the family rings. The instructions wrt rings are that my DD (not my DSs, only DD) should be given her choice of them when she is an adult and it should be made clear to her that she can have one as an engagement ring should she wish. Otherwise, they are all to go to her after my day. And I expect, according to here, that DSs wives, if they ever have any, should be queuing up to take issue with that too.

Sometimes I really do think this place is an alternative universe.

I was expecting to come in here and find people (in general) saying yes they are treated equal.

I must live in a naive, old school bubble!! Both my parents and PILs treat their own children and the DILs and SILs the same.

We get the same amounts spent at Christmas and birthdays, if they wanted a family meal it would never just be for their own children and if they wanted to take us on holiday they would pay for all or none.

This doesn't mean I don't spend time with just my Mum, for example, doing shopping or coffee etc but if the scenario arose my DH would equally have coffee 1:1 with my parents and me his.

Someone mentioned divorce earlier. This has happened in my DHs family and things have naturally fizzled out with the exDIL. They're still polite as the PILs do a lot of childcare but obviously things aren't as straight forward.

I actually think it's sad that the traditional idea of when you get married (or in a live together, committed relationship) you don't become part of each others families.

I do recognise that there are people who don't have great experiences with in laws but I though these were the minority. My eyes have been opened!!

The weirdest thing about this thread is how the OP equates treating people equally with spending money equally. At one point she says that she just used presents as an example, but actually all her examples have to do with spending money.

I called my parents almost every day for years before they died. I took care of my mother for months at a time, changing her incontinence pads, lifting her into the bath, feeding her, yelling at her to try and get her to do her physio, talking to her about her problems, crying with her. These are things you do with someone you love in the most intimate and personal way. Maybe you feel that way about a PIL or about a DIL or SIL, but how on earth can it be an automatic thing to feel extremely close to the people your children choose in life? It is certainly my dearest wish that I have a very close relationship with my children's partners, but it depends on how much we like each other.

It seems obvious that presents and money are only significant if you either have very superficial relationships, or use money as a symbol of love.

My parents didn't even really like my dh when we were first together, I think it would have been a bit much to expect them to pretend that they loved him as much as they loved me!

I'm quite fond of my FIL (MIL died only a few years into our relationship) but I don't love him, or even know him in the same way that I loved my father, and dh and I have been together almost 25 years. I don't buy FIL presents because that's dh's job, nor do I ring him up. dh doesn't value family in the way I do (probably due to the death of his mum, which sadly caused some fairly major fractures in the family) so while I ring my mother (DF died two years ago) every week, dh hasn't talked to his dad for a couple of years. I don't feel that as I ring my mum weekly I should therefore ring my FIL often too. I think it would be fairly weird if I did.

I hope that my children chose partners that I like and can grow to love, but they won't be my children and I don't know how much we will have in common. I'll take it as it comes really. I also don't expect to dictate my grandchildren's lives (if I have any).

My parents spend the same on DH and me on birthdays and christmas, as do my in-laws. I thought that was normal!

Doesn't it depend on how you get on - and anyone who has been on MN for even one session should know that one size certainly doesn't fit all when it comes to relationships with IL. Turn the OP round to say DIL should treat their MIL the same as their own mum and imagine the response you would get! In my case my MIL (now sadly dead) treated me like the daughter she didn't have and my parents treat my DH like a son (even more so now that both his parents are dead). From the point of view of presents none of us goes OTT at Christmas anyway - gifts are modest and we tend to spoil the kids more than ourselves. My parents are more likely to splash out if either my brother or I (which includes SIL and DH) were struggling to pay for something like a new car - something which benefits child and partner equally anyway.

Here's my conundrum.

Taking the OP of this thread as gospel, and the premise of the OP.

When I marry someone, my parents should love them as if they were their own and treat them as if they were their own. In the same way as they love and treat me.

According to the OP, my mother should love him in the same way as she loves me.

I am now divorced.

If my parents love and treat and care for my husband in the same way as they do me, what happens on divorce?

My mother is dying. I don't want my ex at her funeral. If he is to be treated the same as me by my parents, then he has every bit as much right to be there as me.

I think you will find that the title of this thread does not say parents should love their in-laws the same as their own child. Instead it says that they should treat them the same and to me that means inviting them to family events, not paying for DC but not DIL and also treating them the same with both emotional and financial support.

frau you seem very emotionally invested in this thread and I am sorry if it has made you upset as certainly that was not my intention - it is just an internet discussion.

If you don't wish to treat your son's GF as part of the family that it your choice but they do say "as you sow so shall you reap" and there are a lot of threads on here about DILS going nc/not letting GCs see their GP due to bad treatment from their MIL. Of course your DIL may not feel like that but it is worth bearing in mind.

As a DIL if my MIL organised an event twice a year for family and I was not included I would feel hurt and offended and it certainly would make me think twice about my MIL but that is me and your DIL may not feel like that. You may not love your DIL but when they marry your Son she will be your family like it or not. In fact she will be closer family to your son than you are in that she is his next of kin.

Clearly my family choose to do things differently from yours - and that is our choice.

My Mum didn't even bother to get my DP, the father of her only grandchild, a birthday card.

bookbag.

Your utter lack of compassion and cat's bum response to what Frau has told you on this thread is repugnant.

I don't think I have ever said this, in 10 years of MN, but you should read back and be ashamed of yourself.

And a final word to the wise, you can't buy love, or respect. You'd do well to remember that. Because I have no doubt that people around you find your attitude to money, and things, just as repulsive as most of the people on this thread do.

Your final sentence also belies everything you have so far said. Your family do things differently and that's their choice, well so why start a thread saying what everyone does is wrong? D'oh, because you thought you were right. Well, guess what?

Whilst I'm not my PiL's child, they do make every effort to treat me like one of their own. This meant a lot to me and has meant our relationship is good. My mum is also brilliant with DH and treats him like a son.
It didn't happen overnight and I have now known them for over 15 years, but in principle I think that is the ideal. Obviously if the child-in-law acts badly or the relationship is unstable this might make it impossible.

My mum treats DH and sister's fiance in the same way as her kids. By this I mean she tries to buy them a thoughtful gift for Christmas and birthdays, as she does her kids, and generally treat them with respect and get along with them. I do suspect my mum doesn't really like DH that much though. My mum isn't rich so all presents are in the same price league anyway.

My MIL OTOH keeps 'forgetting' my birthday, and gets me a joint present with DH for Christmas (I suspect because she doesn't really want to give me anything). I'm not that bothered, I don't like her anyway.

I think I'm reading a different thread from you, DrankSangria. The OP's post above apologizes if she has upset FrauHelga & explains her own views calmly & politely. It is bookbag's thread & it's bizarre to criticize someone for starting a discussion thread on AIBU.

FrauHelga has explained her position & several posters have pointed out that twice yearly lunches with her own kids is quite different from the consistent exclusion that some experience from PIL. FrauHelga has also described how she doesn't want to tread on the toes of her son's GF's parents. I don't think anyone has criticized her or shown a lack of compassion.

Like bookbag, I'd feel very hurt & surprised if my MIL organized family events from which I was excluded, given that I've been married to her son for 14 years, with him for 17 & have provided her with her only GC. I wouldn't have felt like that when I was just DH's GF, as I know that for many in my MIL's generation it is being married / living together / having children that signifies someone is now part of the family.

But we do all approach things differently, which is why I've found this thread interesting. For instance, Frau says she wouldn't want her ex at her mum's funeral, & she probably has good reason for that. But it never occurred to me when my mum died that I could say who came to her funeral, so that wouldn't have been an issue for me. My mum's estranged brother & several people she couldn't stand turned up! I guess that case is more to do with your family's traditions re. funerals than anything else.

I do get the poignancy of events involving the original family when someone is dying. My grannie died shortly after her 85th birthday, some years ago now, & there was a photo taken at the party just of her, my mum & her siblings (there are lots of them - you couldn't have fitted all the ILs in easily anyway!). I've seen that photo out on display in a number of my aunts' & uncles' houses, so it obviously means a lot to them.

OTOH, my mum died when I hadn't been with DH very long, but she genuinely loved him. He did a lot more to help & support her in the last months than some of her 'blood' relatives. He was with me at the hospital in the last days & helped with physical care as well as emotional support, far more than other family members did. Mum knew that the money she was leaving me would be used as a deposit for DH's & my first home together & was very happy about that.

I don't know. DPs parents buy me more as there's four brothers. They treat me as their own but my parents dont' do that for DP.

bookbag do you mean to be so rude, uncaring, unfeeling and hurtful?

Nowhere, nowhere did I say I didn't love DSs GF. Nowhere. And your statement is offensive.

Also, why would I invest the same level of emotional support in a GF as I would in my son? If my son is ever to split from that GF, you're saying I should support her in the same way as I support my son? That is never going to happen, and actually, I would be offensive to my son, and belittle my relationship with him, if I were to offer the same level of emotional support to a GF or ex-wife-to-be as I would offer to him.

As a DIL you would feel hurt and excluded and offended by a lunch, twice a year, with me and my kids? I have asked you already and you haven't answered - who would you be hurt with? Your MIL who is doing what she has always done, or your DH who hasn't told your MIL it's a problem? Wouldn't you be better having a problem with your DH? Or raising it directly with your MIL? No one, not one person, in my family, has said I should ask DSs GF. In fact, I texted him last night to ask - he hasn't replied as yet, but I'm sure if it were an issue he would have raised it with me.

And to be honest, I still don't get your issue with photos and with my mother and father taking me for lunch, which you castigated them for. Really I'd like a response to that too, if you wouldn't mind.

I didn't join their family when DH and I married, neither did he join mine.

aaahhhhh this is where the difference lies because i feel that when dh and i got married, we DID become part of each others families.

i also feel that a girlfriend is a different kettle of fish to a wife. i have been married to dh for 20 years and i am the mother of the only grandchildren that my inlaws will ever have.

if that doesn't make me part of their family then...[puzzled]

I have asked you already and you haven't answered - who would you be hurt with? Your MIL who is doing what she has always done, or your DH who hasn't told your MIL it's a problem?

I would be hurt with whoever was organising the event and not inviting me. In this case I assume that would be you. So if you are booking a restaurant and planning a nice day - you are booking it for you and your children and not inviting DIL then personally I would feel upset by that.

I would then probably speak to my DH and ask that I be invited and then I would expect him to speak up for me and for the fact that I am part of the family.

I really don't understand bookbag's comments about feeling excluded. As DH and I don't live near his parents, we tend to see them during visits when we're both there. But I wouldn't be offended if they had a similar tradition of just parents and children going out for lunch - Frau, I think your tradition sounds lovely, and if we lived near DH's family I'd suggest it to them!

In fact, this weekend I am visiting my sisters while PIL visit DH for the weekend. While I'm sad to miss seeing them (we get on well), I don't think there's anything wrong with spending time with just your relatives. It's fun for my sisters and I to get together without husbands and children :)

I've never really thought about whether my PIL spend more on DH than I, but it wouldn't surprise me because they're not my parents. It would be £30 on DH vs £20 on me - that kind of amount. They do treat me like one of the family and we get on well, and I'm very find of them, but it's not quite the same as my own parents.

Nothing wrong with parent and child only photos either - at my wedding we got one of DH, his brothers, and PIL, and one of me with my mother and sisters, as well as photos with DPs and children on each side. It's nice to contrast these photos with group photos when we were younger :)