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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:
LoonvanBoon · 05/12/2014 18:12

You need to work on yourself

Bloody hell, Bulbasaur, talk about patronising! This was a discussion thread, it was never an attack by Bookbag on FrauHelga or her family.

I've read back & just don't get how anything Bookbag had said about her beliefs & how her family & ILs operate can justify all these personal comments about her (or anyone else) being insecure, clingy or controlling.

Bookbag is included in her DH's family, & vice versa, so how do you know how she'd behave otherwise? I know that I wouldn't want to have much of a relationship with ILs who would try to exclude me, & that I wouldn't want to be married to a man who would be happy with that. That doesn't mean I'm insecure or clingy, it means I know my own beliefs about family & have chosen a partner with similar values.

I wouldn't tell anyone else what to do; but have seen the results, in a couple of cases in RL & a lot on MN, when PIL try to shut a DIL out, while accepting her children into their family. They usually end up on the outside, & it's reasonable to point out that that's a likely outcome.

Ragwort · 05/12/2014 18:14

Lilypaps makes a good point, it's all very well treating your SIL/DIL as one of the family but what would happen in the case of a divorce?

I wouldn't treat my future DIL as 'one of the family' as I think that can lead to over familiarity and an inappropriate relationship - I got on very well with my MIL (now dead) but I was always conscious that she had her 'own' daughters and I was more like a close friend than a relative - and to me that's how it should be. My own parents are equally courteous and kind to my DH but no, they don't treat him exactly the same as me. They are very generous and gifts tend to be large cheques written to both of us.

My parents are elderly now (80s) and I spend a lot of time with them, without DH and DC, we enjoy each other's company and it's not that DH and DC wouldn't be welcome but trailling around garden centres probably isn't their idea of fun Grin. I think it is perfectly normal for married adults to spend time on their own with their parents.

BrendaBlackhead · 05/12/2014 18:14

I think it also depends on the type of mil/dil/fil/sil. Bulbasaur clearly has the A1 relationship going on where her dh is loved by her parents.

What if you don't really like your son-in-law? What if you suspect he's abusive? All those blokes on the LTB threads are someone's son-in-law - do they deserve the £50 Christmas present? What if your dil is horrid and is posting on MN about how you are overstepping the mark by giving the gc an advent calendar and "she's had her time" - do you want to give her the £50 present? She'd probably be posting on here on Boxing Day saying how dare she buy you make-up/a scarf/anything, the old bag.

I would think most people lie somewhere between Bulbasaur and the above examples - ie the pil like you well enough, and you are the mother of their gc, but you are not their child.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 05/12/2014 18:15

She's not my DIL. She doesn't want to come.

If there was a wedding on the Sunday and any of the kids didn't want to come then we would do it sometime over Christmas Smile

Or those of us who were available would go and the one with something else to do would be left out. I'm sure they'd cope Grin

BrendaBlackhead · 05/12/2014 18:16

Furthermore - I would say most people call their in-laws "Pam and Ray" or whatever and not "Mum and Dad".

aliciaj · 05/12/2014 18:20

My parents treat us both the same, but we probably aren't your typical mn couple as we have been together since teens.

BrendaBlackhead · 05/12/2014 18:23

Yes, I once saw a film (whilst bfeeding at 2am...) about a woman who married a younger man and her mil was younger than she was. Can't remember much else about it apart from they had a big battle over how to make gravy. Anyway, that would have caused a load of angst over presents!

StripedOss · 05/12/2014 18:23

last time i checked, when i married, i didnt become surgically attached to my husband, we are still two individual and independent people.

My relationship with my mum as adults is as much a friendship as it is a mother/daughter relationship. We do stuff as a family where DH and the kids are invited, but equally, mom and I do stuff as friends.

In fact, i spend at least 2-3 days a week in her company, we go to dinner, we go to the cinema, we go shopping, we have movie nights.

If DH insisted on muscling in on any of that, or behaving like he was unloved or left out, then i would go ballistic. He is my husband, not my con-joined twin!

aliciaj · 05/12/2014 18:26

We do stuff all together but my mum and dh have been out without me before, and my dad and dh without me. I go out with mil and dh doesn't come either.

LynetteScavo · 05/12/2014 18:28

MIL is much nicer to me than her own DD - she hasn't spoken to her in years...apparently SIL started the not talking. Hmm

My DM treats DH the same as me, be of course she doesn't love him as much as me. That would be weird!

PiggyontheRailway · 05/12/2014 18:34

I think it takes time to accept someone into your family and also depends on the sort if person they are. My uncle is married to Russian woman and she is treated like one of the family and even calls my GM mum. She has fitted into our family really well even when she could only speak a few words of English. On the other hand my DB ex was never one of us and it felt like she demanded a family relationship with us from the outset, I remember she kicked off to my DB because I would take my sister to lunch once a week when she was on maternity leave and didn't get a invite. I just felt like I couldn't even see my own sister without offending her.

BeyondRepair · 05/12/2014 18:37

We do stuff all together but my mum and dh have been out without me before, and my dad and dh without me. I go out with mil and dh doesn't come either.

This sounds very average and normal to me.

I think it would be odd however to start specifically saying " no partners or wives".

Usually in normal families who live near ish...time will be spent with all members....to start dividing into blood and non blood however is odd.

derektheladyhamster · 05/12/2014 18:37

My Mum and Dad spend the same on my DH and BIL as me and my Sis - In fact I think my Mum would like DH to be their son! MIL doesn't really bother with presents for me or DH - so I guess that's fair too. We have been married for 20 years though, I got a token present when I was a girlfriend.

I shall treat my dils (or sils) the same as my sons. They will be part of the great extended family.

My Gran in law always buys me a gift too, for birthdays and Xmas she has 8 great dil/sils!

aliciaj · 05/12/2014 18:40

I mean the other way round as in my mum and her son in law hang out as they are at home with our kids whilst I am work so dh talks to my mum very closely she doesn't hide stuff from him. Same as me with his mum I have helped her through lots of emotional stuff and I am exactly like her daughter.

My brother calls my dh his brother when he meets anyone cause thats the way we are, as we have been together since really young, its different for most people nowadays as they get together so much older. I find it hard to remember when dh was not around.

BeyondRepair · 05/12/2014 18:45

I just think the best policy to welcome partners into your family bearing in mind, when/if children come along and the parents divorce you want to have a good history with the parents. Its when the relationship is poor between in laws and divorced parent that child access problems arise.

Thurlow · 05/12/2014 18:48

Maybe its the way you view it. If IL's said they had bought tickets to something for DP and DD I wouldn't think "how horrible of them to exclude me, it's because I'm not a blood relative, isn't it", I'd think "they just fancied a day with the four of them."

Possibly depends on how much you view things in life in terms of what they mean to you.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 05/12/2014 19:04

My lovely inlaws treated me like a dd. they had 5 kids and treated l the partners as one of the family. It was lovely.

They had loads of gc But treated one dils dd ( not their sons child) exactly the same actually made more fuss of her so asnot to make a difference. Smile
My parents are naturally more reserved but are very fond of dh.

My ds has fairly recently got into a relationship with a really lovely woman. He's 25 and she's 37. Me and dh are happy as he is happy and although I could never see her as another dd she's a good friend.

I hope my dds marry nice blokes too but they won't be like my sons.

I think like everything else in life it's intent.

Intent to upset and exclude is nasty.

Bulbasaur · 05/12/2014 19:11

I've read back & just don't get how anything Bookbag had said about her beliefs & how her family & ILs operate can justify all these personal comments about her (or anyone else) being insecure, clingy or controlling.

Demanding to her husband that she be invited somewhere and that he tell his mother "how it is" over a lunch, is controlling and clingy, yes. It is.

This is a twice a year lunch, that she's hypothetically barging into. Every other occasion GF is seemingly included. So if one day makes her riled that her BF was having a special day, yes, that's insecurity.

There's your break down. :)

If DH and his parents ever had a special day, I'd never barge in. There are plenty of other opportunities to go with family, no need to be there every single time and act like a wet blanket because family had the audacity to hang out with just mother and children.

We do include DH and always extend the invite in my family. But we do have days sometimes where we just hang on our own, just as circles of friends do. You don't need to include every single person every single time.

Lucyandpoppy · 05/12/2014 19:27

I think it very much depends on the family and their relationship with their SiL/DiL.

My mum, and to a lesser extent my dad, treat my OH as their own, but they have a very good relationship in general and he lived with me and them for 4 years.

My MiL doesn't spend as much on me or her other DiL/SiL as she does on her children but I wouldn't expect her to. She is their mum, not mine.

gymboywalton · 05/12/2014 20:09

the attitudes on this thread explain very well why there are so many 'in law falling out ' threads on mumsnet. if so many people have the attitude that their inlaws are not part of their family, that it's perfectly fine to exclude people because they are not blood, that it's fine to lavish hundreds on one half of a couple and not the other then no wonder there are so many fallings out.

maiscout · 05/12/2014 20:21

My MIL (not really my MIL as I'm not married) spent more on me last Christmas than she did on DP - I think it could be because she has three boys and I'm the only other girl in the family, so she enjoyed buying some girly things for once. We get on quite well but she doesn't treat me like her child, and I wouldn't expect her to.

FannyBlott · 05/12/2014 22:08

YANBU! My inlaws obviously have a closer relationship with their own children but when it comes to gifts they get me the same as they get their own daughter normally whatever shite they could find in the charity shops

My mother is awful most of the time but even she and my dad treat me and DH equally when it comes to gifts, they usually give us a tenner each.

I think it's quite mean not to, it's like not accepting the dil/sil as part of the family. My grandma treats dh the same as any of her grandchildren, she treats my dad as if he were her son. In my family it would be considered really nasty not to!

amicissimma · 05/12/2014 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 05/12/2014 22:12

I've just remembered that, years ago, my MIL gave me lingerie as a Christmas gift, very tasteful. but I still think it's rather an odd sort of gift to give your DIL Hmm. Luckily I was able to change it without her ever knowing. Grin.

80sMum · 05/12/2014 22:31

MIL used to give us cheques for Christmas, in named envelopes. DH 's was £250, mine was £20. They both used to get paid into our joint account, so the difference was irrelevant anyway!