Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:
ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 19:08

The presents don't matter if they treat you like an outsider anyway.

Yep I don't give a shit any more.

Clam its the whole picture.....not just one photo.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 19:28

But Chris I've been castigated for one photo and a dinner twice a year with my own kids.

You even implied I only saw my son twice a year - which is simply untrue.

I see my kids on a regular basis, I even see DS's GF on a regular basis. I buy her birthday presents and Christmas stockings, I've met her for coffee and even gone shopping, me and her and DD.

But she's not mine. She's not up there with my 2 DSs and my DD. I wouldn't sell my soul for her or give her a kidney.

Not even if she marries DS and has my grandchildren. She has her own parents - I would not like to tread on their toes. They are her parents, it would be overstepping for me to treat her like one of mine.

LoonvanBoon · 04/12/2014 19:40

I hope that if my sons marry & have kids, I'd be prepared to give a kidney to the women they love & who have given me grandchildren! Assuming I have a good one going spare.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 19:44

I'm very aware of not pushing in where I'm not wanted, or being seen to exclude or push out DSs GF parents (due to circs) and I wouldn't want her to think I was trying to take on a motherly role with her - she has a mum already, she doesn't need me.

So whilst I would give her a kidney if there was no one in her OWN family to give her a kidney, I wouldn't be battering the door down, like I would with my own kids.

My kidneys are shit anyway.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 20:00

tatty I bet she would be the one if you adopted a dc, to send all her other 'blood' grandchildren presents and gifts and not the adopted dc. She sounds utterly toxic Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 20:02

ohforfoxache what a nasty woman, I hope you have distanced yourself from her, she is awful

monkeymamma · 04/12/2014 20:10

I commented on the holiday thread as I felt the op was being unwelcoming to the gfs and have a friend whose PILs acted like that for years - it was not nice. My parents would always treat my partner as a member of the family (including paying for a bf they secretly detested - he was awful - to come on holiday with us all years a go). They always say they see Dh as their own son and while no-one is totting up pressie costs at Xmas they wouldn't spend more on me than him intentionally. Agree with the op once someone is part of your family (especially once children arrive or the child and his/her partner are married/living together) you treat them as such and 'blood relative' is an odd distinction to make.
My dm did recently (for a landmark bday) request a pic of me and my sibs together. But this is highly unusual and she was very careful how she asked for it. She wanted her brood together for what was a significant point in her life. If she did it all the time as some peoples relatives have done up thread it would be totally different.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/12/2014 20:15

YABU. I would be freaked out beyond comprehension if a random adult who just happened to be the parent of someone I was in a relationship with decided I should be their own child

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 20:34

Unfortunately not Aeroflot - although DH now calls them weekly (grudgingly) during a lunch break so that he can limit the amount of time they have to whinge at him Sad They want nothing to do with us on a day to day basis, refuse invites, take no interest in our lives at all. DH was made redundant 18 months ago - all mil could say about it was that his brother may lose his job at some point in the next year (remote possibility and he was entitled to 10x the payout DH was entitled to). Not a word of sympathy, or advice, or "don't worry, it will all be ok". Nada.

I'm pregnant with dc1 so that is opening up a whole new can of worms (DH has already had it in the neck for not telling her the sex - we don't know - and I've been told that we must contact them as soon as I go into labour as this is "their first grandSON" and it is their right (first grandchild on either side) ).

Fil is no better - he's an interfering, misogynistic arsehole.

Sorry, I digress.

But presents aside (which I have no interest in anyway) I suppose DH and I are treated with exactly the same contempt by each of them, so at least in that way we're equal Sad

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 20:38

I wouldn't sell my soul for her or give her a kidney.

Interesting conundrum you have proposed their Frau.

My MiL wouldnt even spit on me to put out my fire, however this is post DC.

If she could see into the future and see the GC I have produced whom she know loves very much....(in her own special way), would she put me out, would she give me a kidney?

FreeWee · 04/12/2014 20:54

My parents treat DH like a son (they have 4 kids and 4 in laws so plenty to buy for) My in laws treat me like a random (DH is an only child so 1 kid and 1 in law). They lavish him with 100s of £ of stuff at Christmas (literally £100 shop gift voucher, a bulging hamper full of his favourite food, a 6 box of quality wine, plus £100+ of named gifts he'd put on his Christmas list - yes an adult with a Christmas list). I get a £15 bottle of fizz (was breastfeeding last year and pregnant the year before. Would rather a £5 bottle of posh lemonade I can actually drink), some free CDs FIL gets given at work, a named gift I've asked for within a known budget (for example some PJs or other c£20-30 gift) and apparently half the hamper is for me too. I don't eat nuts, spicy meats, drink ale, eat strong cheese (you get the picture). So essentially I get c£50 of gifts & he gets £100s. Don't get me wrong I would be grateful for what I get if it wasn't juxtaposed next to their extravagance.

For me it's a shame they treat me so much more inferior to him but at least they give me something. And it's a shame so little thought goes into what they give me but at least it's what I generally like. I could have it worse though.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 21:08

If my child had a partner, spouse, whatever who they loved enough to spend their lives with, and I was a kidney match, I'm not sure I could refuse to give them a kidney just because they weren't my biological child.

ImperialBlether · 04/12/2014 21:35

But in the thread you're talking about, the OP's son had only been going out with his girlfriend for 8 months! She wouldn't yet be born if she was the OP's child.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 21:56

Ohforfixache congratulations Smile. So it ok for her to treat the mother of her grandchild like shit. No no no you and DH have to lay down the kawliga with her, and be very firm, especially your DH. He needs to have a honest talk about what he expects from her, and to tell her in no uncertain terms tgat she has to respect you, if not, you distance. Either she behaves, or doesent see her grandchild very often. I've done that to my mum, she behaves when she's with us.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 21:56

The law doh sorry

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 04/12/2014 22:11

I hate when PIL try to treat me as one of their own. I have my own parents, I don't need or want anyone else to pretend for me.

I wouldn't be put out by them wanting lunch with OH alone. I'd be a little less happy about them taking DD with them, because they are quite lax when it comes to looking after babies and OH reverts to their ways when he's with them.

A nice, civil, drama-free relationship would be great. I would give them a kidney if they needed it, then again I'd do the same for a friend or possibly even a stranger. And I have also said I'd be a surrogate for SIL if she was to need it, the same as I would for my own sister. But theyre not my family.

gymboywalton · 04/12/2014 22:14

i've been thinking about this

i have decided that in laws of course can't love their daughter/son in laws as much as they love their children but they can treat them as if they do.

i am lucky that my inlaws treat me as if they love me dearly and my mum treats my husband as if she loves him dearly.

i am sure it's not a coincidence that we have no inlaw problems of the kind i read about on here.

if my sons marry a woman i will do my absolute best to make them feel loved appreciated and part of the family.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 22:14

Thank you Blush

They both treat us both like shit so, for now, distance isn't too much of a problem. But when dc arrives we'll just have to see how it goes - given how they treat us I'm not sure they are going to have the closest of relationships - their worlds centre around DH's brother. But I am sure that they will expect to be fully in control of everything when they do decide to see us Hmm

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 22:17

Gym you sound lovely - that's EXACTLY the attitude I hope to have with any future son/daughters in law I might be lucky to have.

crje · 04/12/2014 22:25

YABU

his people - my people Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 22:31

Ohforfoxache you and DH will have to take back control and put your foot down. You sound really lovely Smile

deste · 04/12/2014 22:33

My DS and DD are both engaged and I spend the same amount on everyone. One year she had a friend and her son up on holiday and I spent the same on them as well.

cheesecakemom · 04/12/2014 23:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LittleBairn · 04/12/2014 23:48

Its absolutely fine for in-laws not to treat you equally but then they can't really complain when you favour visiting and the kids spending time with your family if they haven't ever treated you as a member of the family.

LilyPapps · 04/12/2014 23:49

This is an odd thread. My PILs are generally lovely, but they're not my family, they are my DH's family, and my son's grandparents - I have more than enough family of my own. I didn't join their family when DH and I married, neither did he join mine.