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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
islandmama · 01/12/2014 21:05

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AryaUnderfoot · 01/12/2014 21:08

Can't believe what a hard time you're getting on this one OP.

A fiver for a grandchild's birthday present is stingy.

Lymmmummy · 01/12/2014 21:09

Firstly at least she had the courtesy to ask for suggestions from you then to go to the effort of getting both of them - also perhaps she doesn't buy anyone a big birthday gift so it's what is normal for her - or perhaps she is generous in other ways etc

if you think she has been a bit mean then perhaps next time suggest a gift at a reasonable price level you want - ie £10 or £20 - we do this with SIL becuase she is a useless with gifts and tended to be very high handed buying things no one wants and is very tight (despite being very very well off) - but more annoying than this is that she and MIL expects enormous level of thanks to go to SIL for the "effort " she has gone to for the very cheap gift - which I find even more annoying than the cheap gift - as no effort has gone in at all etc If this sounds like your situation just make sure you ask for what you want next time perhaos giving 3 or 4 items to choose from between £10-20 and be thankful and courteous but not ott - and perhaps if you want to be really controversial make sure she gets to know about some of the presumably far more expensive gifts that other family members have bought for dd

I get where you are coming from - a £5 gift from someone with not much money is very kind - from someone with a lot of money it does seem mean - but depends on whether birthdays are not a big thing for her etc and ultimately she went with your suggestions so suggest better next time!!

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 01/12/2014 21:09

Op I dont blame you for not coming back but we do need more details, other GC, are they generous to your DH are they throughout the year?

I think its mean, yes.

But it depends very much on them.

For instance, in my family we were totally un materialistic, my parents preferred and put more emphasis and thought into a huge feast on birthdays and Christmas and other things, as well as gifts...but the gift was not the main focus. If you got something like this off them ( they wouldn't have put the thought into holding back the necklace mind....) you shouldn't be insulted because they dont give or get anyone presents.

My in laws on the other hand are totally about the PRESENTS...buying presents is mils job its her work...and her chance to be worshiped for the gifts, its a way she gets attention and shows affection. So she is someone who would always show how she feels through a gift, so if she did this you would know to be very offended as it would be her speaking through the gift to you.

Next time, do not let yourself be open to this - simply say - thanks but I think we are good this time and she doesn't need anything.

simply say that and they can hang onto their fiver!

FreeWee · 01/12/2014 21:18

YANBU if one was £5 and the other say £20 maybe I could understand 'keeping one back' (although I don't think £25 for your granddaughter is that over the top) But 2 £5 things? They're tight. That's just from my frame of reference (with a VERY generous mother and very tight MIL!)

DoraGora · 01/12/2014 21:20

She asked what the child wanted, you told her, and...

she bought it

DoraGora · 01/12/2014 21:23

Incidentally, I really, really wish more people would buy one correct present than the mountains of pointless tat which they do buy.

islandmama · 01/12/2014 21:25

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usualsuspect333 · 01/12/2014 21:25

But she bought the book she as asked to buy. she wasn't asked to buy an all dancing, bright, fluffy thing Confused

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 01/12/2014 21:25

I think its the fact she was told to buy two things, very modest items, and she went to the thought and trouble of holding one back Dora!

islandmama · 01/12/2014 21:26

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ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 01/12/2014 21:26

She held one item back its this the op is upset about.......

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 01/12/2014 21:27

Yes Island.

Floggingmolly · 01/12/2014 21:37

Op only knows that one was held back because she had the unmitigated gall to send her DH round on a search for it. and he was a worse idiot to do it

ApocalypseThen · 01/12/2014 21:40

She held one item back its this the op is upset about.......

She has no business being upset about it. What the grandparents chose to give as their present is their concern, not hers.

islandmama · 01/12/2014 21:42

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ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 01/12/2014 21:43

send her dh round to search for it?

I thought he simply asked where it was?

If a child wants things for birthday one tries to get them if they are in reason , like a cheap book and necklace...i dont think you should ask children what they want, if they reply with reasonable modest requests to ignore them.

Op may have wanted to get the necklace herself for the dd?

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 01/12/2014 21:45

I disagree.

If they were un happy at being asked to get two items, they should have been able to say so at the time....then everyone knows where they stand, and op can get the necklace herself for DD.

But asking, being told, then holding ONE back is mean, there is no other way round it.

GrannyGoggles · 01/12/2014 21:46

What do you feel would be appropriate? You responded to their query, they bought one of your two suggestions.

You are doing a lot of counting.

GPs are frequently dammed on this forum for being over generous.

Unless you point out to your 5yr that she's been short changed I'd doubt she notice.

Until you point it out again.

Original poster
Gogorat · 01/12/2014 21:50

Wow, I didn't expect such a quick and big response. Seems the majority here thinks I'm being unreasonable and although that may be the case I'm certainly not money grabbing or materialistic as suggested by some (if I was I would surely have suggested higher value items for DD's birthday).

Btw DH's parents do not lavish gifts on DD all the time, in fact the last present was given last Xmas. And to all who thought the grandparents were very thoughtful asking what DD wanted: My family too gave DD something we suggested. However, in addition to this they gave her another (small) item which they had come up with themselves and to me that is true thoughtfulness.

To recap: What hurt me is that MIL felt they had to split our gift suggestion as if we had asked too much for just a birthday present.

OP posts:
islandmama · 01/12/2014 21:51

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Only1scoop · 01/12/2014 21:52

Op how did your Dh ask about the necklace?

SaucyJack · 01/12/2014 21:52

YABU to have an expectation or feeling of entitlement to a more expensive gift but

In and of itself, a fiver is tight. I spend more on presents for school friends of the DCs that I've never even met.

islandmama · 01/12/2014 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 01/12/2014 21:53

If I asked someone what they wanted for a December birthday and they told me 2 things, I'd quite likely get 1 for christmas and 1 for the birthday, I wouldn't assume that by being told two things, I was supposed to buy both of them, I'd assume it was a choice for me to get the present I preferred.

In the circumstances where the gifts seem cheap, I might question if they weren't a bit cheap, but maybe not, it depends on the circumstances - regardless of how much money I have to spend, I'll get what I'm asked for, but I'd probably only get one thing.

Of course people are different, and the OP obviously is, but to have got to be old enough to have a 5 year old DD and not realise that is odd - and it's extremely grabby to send someone round to find out where the other gift was. Hopefully that was more tactful than described.