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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
slippermaiden · 03/12/2014 13:09

I think it's bad of her if they are well off. My MIL bought my newborn twins for their first Christmas, a puncture repair kit for their buggy. It sounds funny but it really isn't.

OnlyLovers · 03/12/2014 13:10

Brenda, but the phrase 'a magical experience' suggests that you're seeing this from a child's point of view (as adults generally, sadly enough, no longer see presents etc as 'magical'). I was making the point that I don't think saying a £5 present isn't 'magical' from a five-year-old's point of view is a good argument.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/12/2014 13:20

I'm sorry, but I think that those who are throwing around phrases like 'only on mumsnet', 'whipping up sanctimony' etc, are just trying to stifle debate.

Everyone does NOT have to agree with the OP, and disagreeing should not open people up to name-calling.

Fallingovercliffs · 03/12/2014 13:30

We are no more trying to stifle debate than the people asking 'how dare anyone 'tell' the grandparents how to spend their money'?

And the name calling on here is from the people calling the OP 'grabby' etc.

MargotLovedTom · 03/12/2014 13:42

OP - yanbu.
Also I sincerely hope the pp (on phone so can't access name) who splashed out on a case of champagne as ordered by the PILs and received a box of ancient chocs in return has now wised up and will not allow similar to happen this year.
There's being "classy" and not making reference to monetary value of gifts, and there's being a doormat.

gotthemoononastick · 03/12/2014 13:49

Stick around daughters ...you may all get a surprise when the estate is divvied up and the kids receive antique jewellery and moneys carefully and fairly squirreled away in trust for them to receive on their 18th birthdays.

Good old Granny's rubbish gifts will then be relegated to' eccentricity' in the family folklore.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 03/12/2014 13:53

The question was: AIBU to think that spending just £5 on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

Some people have said "Yes, YABU to think this because ......" whilst others have replied "No, YANBU to think this because ..... and, BTW all those who think you are being unreasonable are sanctimonious and ridiculous"

Different points of view, some people have aired their views nicely, others have resorted to name-calling Smile

With reference to OP's later post regarding small glass of wine bought during a round - this is a different issue, surely, and should quite rightly be addressed. Why did you not say (jokingly) at the time "Oh, I seem to have been short-changed on my glass of wine here - we'd better get this rectified, Ha ha" (or words to that effect).

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 03/12/2014 13:56

MoononaStick Grin

Fallingovercliffs · 03/12/2014 13:56

No Evans we haven't. We have said that there is a lot of whipped up sanctimony on the thread. Not that everyone who has disagreed with the OP is being sanctimonious.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 03/12/2014 14:02

But Falling even by using the words "we haven't" and "we've said" - you've created the divide of 'us and them'. Who are the "we" exactly?

Debate is debate, a Pov is a Pov. Everyone is going to have a different point of view on some subject or other. OP asked for views, and she got them, one way or another.

Fallingovercliffs · 03/12/2014 14:03

The "We" are the people who posted about a sanctimonious tone on the thread. What did you think I meant?

BrendaBlackhead · 03/12/2014 14:07

gotthemoononastick - we did get a surprise when it was revealed how much money the pil had. But now it has been very much depeleted in care home fees which are running at £6.5K a month.

Millie3030 · 03/12/2014 14:41

I'm with you OP! Other people saying on here that's its greedy to expect more than a fiver are being ridiculous if they have a 300k house. If they lived solely on their pension in a little one bed flat then fair enough, they are being generous, but they are being stingey in my opinion. Aren't grandchildren for spoiling?? If they bought lots of little things from the pound shop, hair bands, stickers etc and some little choccies too that would at least show some effort and thought. But to ask what they want because they clearly don't know them enough and then to spend a fiver, is crap!!

I would also buy everyone a large glass of Wine buying you a small one is very passive aggressive. I would mention it to my DH and get him to ask, "Dad why has my Wife got a small glass and we all have a large?". Embarrass him openly, then he might think twice about doing it.

fuzzpig · 03/12/2014 17:04

ElkTheory you forgot:

Something that the child wants/would love, but the parents themselves cannot provide. This may be something as simple as taking the child to a panto/event.

I've seen lots of things like this on MN but I don't really understand it. My DCs only have great quality scooters and bikes, for example, because my grandma/parents paid for them! It would've never occurred to me to feel upstaged because we didn't give the big ticket item. The DCs know they are very lucky that nanny or whoever paid for their lovely things or for tickets to see something. Confused

Ev1lEdna · 03/12/2014 17:36

OP I think your upset about this is symptomatic of the bigger problem of how they treat you (and you see this as following on in how they treat your child). You may well be right about that too.

The buying of smaller drinks is just unpleasant and I can't be bothered reading all the puffed up outrage on here because you are allegedly being materialistic or similar. I think you are caught in a situation with inlaws who demonstrate their dislike of you in incremental passive aggressive ways which are clearly building up for you whereas to outsiders it will seem like 'just a small thing' each time. Sadly there is little you can do to change them, all you can do now is be glad they bought her the book, have your daughter thank them and just lower your expectations. They won't change so I'm afraid your expectations will have to if this situation isn't going to drive you mad. I feel for you.

Bulbasaur · 03/12/2014 17:40

OnlyLovers The child isn't going to know any different. She'd be happy with a helium balloon for Christmas. She's 5. The MIL is clearly making a dig at the OP. Really she's being horrible to DD too since she's smugly insulting her knowing it's going over her head. It's beyond low on all levels.

Honestly, if someone did that my DD I'd be pissed off too. I'd put on a nice face for DD when she opened the gift, and have her write a polite thank you. But behind closed doors, yes I'd tell MIL to not bother again if she's going to use her grand daughter's birthday as a way to insult me. I'm shocked OP's DH isn't upset with this, it's his child too. Really, if it was my own mother, I'd give her an earful about it.

Good presents normally go along the lines of this:

Thought + Money + Time investment = Good Gift.

You need at least two of those to make a good gift. If you're lacking in one area, you need to make up for it in another.

That's why a PP who talked about a painted Go-Kart was an excellent gift. It didn't cost much, but a lot of thought and some time to fix it up nice went into it (Thought + Time). It's why home made gifts are so nice (Thought + Time). It's why people on a budget can still give good gifts (Thought + Time hunting for it and picking it out + Money) that people are ok with and love.

MIL put in no thought behind the gift, she just asked the mother and bought exactly that with no effort on her part. She put in no time (and going to the store does not count as time) into the gift. She put no money into the gift. It's a terrible gift. To add insult to injury, she kept a cheap tat for a Christmas gift to rub it in.

Everyone in my mom's circle of friends is just itching to be a grandma right now. Grandchildren are special. You either give them extra love, time, or gifts to show it. MIL is doing none of that, and instead using her granddaughter's gift as a weapon.

You can't force her to love her grandchild, but you can take away her little platform and let her throw her little tantrum elsewhere. One day, OP's DD will understand the insult. So stop letting MIL give gifts, it's easier to accept that GM just "doesn't give gifts" than getting "this is how little I actually think of you" gifts.

Last thing. When I was a kid, we did secret santa for the cousins with the aunts and uncles because there were so many of us. So we'd get a modest gift labeled "From aunts and uncles". One year, my aunt got one of my cousins who's parents were not too well off a hand me down sweat suit. She being only 5-6 cried because she got a sweat suit while everyone else in the family got nice new toys. My aunt went into a rant about how ungrateful her niece was and how the parents were just raising her wrong.

After that, my family collectively decided to exchange small gifts that you could collect into adult hood. Think spoons, bells, ornaments, so that we all got the same thing with no ability to make any statements like that.

Gifts say a lot. They can show much you love someone, or they can show how little you think of them.

Bulbasaur · 03/12/2014 17:40

Oh damn... that was long. Congrats if you read it all. Grin

MoreBonkersThanBonkers · 03/12/2014 17:52

Another yabu, your DD will like the present and that's all that matters.

OnlyLovers · 03/12/2014 17:53

I didn't read it all, sorry. Grin But it is not a 'terrible gift'. It's a gift the parent asked for because she knew her daughter wanted it. And so what if the other gift is 'cheap tat'? Again, it's what the child wants.

But I don't disagree that maybe stopping gifts altogether is the way to deal with this, if the OP can't handle the gifts her daughter is being given.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 15:29

Bulbasaur Wed 03-Dec-14 17:40:29

excellent post.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 15:33

I hope op sees your post, and I agree with taking away her platform.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 15:41

I agree with you op, op il are sending a subliminal message by the presents for dd. Mil should have given both presents to op dd fir Christmas, it's not like they are a kings ransome. Op Yanbu it is very mean whatever those on here think.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/12/2014 16:21

Gogorat - does your MIL have 'form' for buying cheap gifts? How much does she usually spend?

I could assume that she normally spends more than this, since you haven't mentioned a string of similarly priced birthday and Christmas gifts, but maybe that would be wrong. I suspect that, if she made a habit of buying cheap gifts for family and friends, you would have told us, to lend weight to your argument.

If this is a one-off, then I still think YABU - but if she never spends much, then maybe she is just mean.

Passthecake30 · 04/12/2014 23:24

Yesterday was my 40th, my mum pushed the boat out and got me a single bar of chocolate. Mean mean mean and I'm a grown up!

furcoatbigknickers · 04/12/2014 23:32

Oh pass happy birthdayFlowers that is really sad. I hope dh/p or friends did better. hopes thats all m could afford

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