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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
redandyellowbits · 01/12/2014 19:41

YABU. Kids do not need to be showered with gifts to show that they are loved.

drudgetrudy · 01/12/2014 19:42

Personally if they aren't hard up I think its a bit mean!

Moid1 · 01/12/2014 19:42

Does she spend time with her granddaughter? How about big pressie's but very sporadic contact, that's my alternative.

Also you end up spending more on the kids because you don't want gp's to be giving the best gifts.

KittenCamile · 01/12/2014 19:43

Wow yabvu! They got her something she wanted and you asked for, how ungrateful are you?!

Reactions like this are the reason my DSD had a paddy because we 'only' bought her 3 bday presents and she 'only' had 2 bday parties. Maybe teach your DC to be grateful for gifts

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 01/12/2014 19:44

YABU. They got her a gift she will like, that is what matters.
You don't know what is going on behind closed doors, maybe they are having financial difficulties and haven't felt able to tell their son.
It is the thought that counts, and they have thought to get her something, the cost of it is totally irrelevant.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2014 19:46

YANBU at all, sounds really stingy for somebody who is quite comfortable. If they were very poor, I would totally understand, but yanbu despite what others on here think.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 01/12/2014 19:46

I think at 5 it's not about why a gift costs but what will make your DD happy. They've bought her what she wants so she will be happy, so on that basis I think YABU. I sort of get where you're coming from but think I would just chalk it down to all families being different. I'm talking as someone whose IL's profess to be absolutely besotted with our DD but have only met her 3 times in her life and didn't even send a card for her first birthday. Apparently they tried to send an e-card...

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2014 19:47

These are not high cost presents, but of little value.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 01/12/2014 19:47

Sorry, but YABVU. Stingy? You really think this?

Good grief - I am really not looking forward to being a Grandparent if a present I buy for a much-loved grandchild, particularly a gift that has been asked for, is not enough. You should be bringing your children up to be suitably thankful and appreciative of ANY gift that is given to them, regardless of cost. That gift was bought with love - there is no price on love.

ApocalypseThen · 01/12/2014 19:48

I personally think we need a guide to appropriate gifting etiquette around here. I, for one, am struggling to imagine the gift that isn't deeply regrettable, and Christmas is coming so I'd like some clarity.

StrawberryMojito · 01/12/2014 19:48

YANBU, a £5 gift from wealthy grandparents is tight. Sorry to all those who disagree but it just is.

However, I take back my YANBU and replace it with a YABU if any of the following apply:

They treat her or buy her gifts for no reason throughout the rest of the year.
They have numerous grandchildren and spend this amount on all of them.
You have failed to show gratitude for any of their previous gifts.

However, I still wouldn't mention anything. Not worth the inevitable bad feeling.

Floggingmolly · 01/12/2014 19:49

I'm mortified for you that you got your DH to question the necklace's non appearance. That is really not a classy thing to do, you know.

MissHJ · 01/12/2014 19:51

yabu. My mum bought my son a fireman Sam flask and a jacket I strongly suspect was from a charity store for his 1st birthday. But he adores her, worships the ground she walks on. She takes him out, babysits him, knows everything he likes and dislikes and is generally a fantastic nan to him. His other nan on the other hand will spend more but only sees him once every couple of months and he screams every time he sees her because he barely knows her. Spending money does not make a good grandparent. You dd will not even card, her grandparents got her the book she wanted.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2014 19:51

If they are fairly well off it does seem a meagre amount to spend. I think money does matter. It's a sad fact but true.

Nokidsnoproblem · 01/12/2014 19:51

Children should not get expensive gifts just because their family is rich.

Perhaps these grandparents are using their money to buy xmas presents for disadvantaged children?

Whatever they are doing with their money is not your business and you are rude to comment on how much money they have and how they should spend it.

MonoNoAware · 01/12/2014 19:51

Sounds like a bit of a culture clash, maybe? Money is such an emotive issue, perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt. It's not that unusual to give one small but thoughtful gift to a grandchild and it may be that she has very fond memories of recieving similar gifts from her grandparents as a child. She may also be anxious not to 'upstage' your gift and steal the limelight.

zoemaguire · 01/12/2014 19:51

I think its stingy too! I'm not particularly materialistic, but it's more that if two small value presents were suggested, it really does seem that theyve decided she is only 'worth' one of them. I suspect many if the 'yabu' people above would secretly think exactly the same in practise Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2014 19:51

I totally agree Strawberry!

SlimJiminy · 01/12/2014 19:52

YABVU. Get a grip.

raltheraffe · 01/12/2014 19:53

We normally only get a gift from a charity shop but MIL is on benefits. FIL not interested, left MIL when DH was 18 months. My dad does not even get us a card and my mum is dead.

So the only gift ds gets is a toy that costs a couple of quid from a charity shop, and we appreciate the fact that there is one grandparent who cares about our son.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 01/12/2014 19:53

How much money someone has is completely immaterial as to what gifts they may or may not wish to bestow upon someone else. How much time do the grandparents spend with their grandchildren? How much money might they spend throughout the year. For all you know they might even have set up a Trust Fund for the future.

Might it be possible that they think your child is a spoilt brat and they are trying to teach You a lesson? Just a thought . . .

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/12/2014 19:54

Gogorat - at 5 years ol, your dd is unlikely to know how much her presents have cost, so I so reason why she would feel undervalued by her grandparents - on the contrary, she will get something she wants for her birthday and something she wants for Christmas.

As a parent, you don't get to dictate what other people spend on your children, and it does look grabby if you complain that they haven't spent 'enough'. I hope you won't let your dd see your reaction to what you see as the cheapness of the gift from her grandparents.

fuzzpig · 01/12/2014 19:57

YABU

ApocalypseThen · 01/12/2014 19:57

I suspect many if the 'yabu' people above would secretly think exactly the same in practise

Genuinely, no. People don't normally buy presents where they calculate the value of person to object ratio. They asked what the child wanted, they were told a couple of items, they chose an item and sent it. It's hard to see what's so dreadful. They didn't do the often-derided trick of trying to outdo the parents. It wasn't unsuitable for the child. It wasn't an advent calendar. I can't really see where they went wrong - apart from not guessing that there was a secret budget for them to spend.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 01/12/2014 19:57

Many years ago, DS's grandparents bought him a go-kart from a car boot sale for either Christmas, or birthday (can't remember which). They painted it and made up a little number plate themselves. DS absolutely loved it and played with it for years, and grandparents were delighted. There is no way on earth that we thought anything less than that they had put a lot of love into that gift. They couldn't afford more. But if they had bought him a book for £5, that would have been equally great. As it would have been if they had been wealthier.

A gift is a gift, and should be suitably appreciated.