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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 02/12/2014 21:13

I don't think the OP is grabby and entitled. And I do think that the grandparents were being a little odd at best, a little stingy at worst. But I do think the OP's "speechless, massively pissed off and hurt on behalf of dd" reaction is hugely over the top. A rueful smile, a shrug and move on is the only sensible way to be.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 21:20

Yes zoe, you put it so well what I have been saying so clumsily. Smile.

we cant help how we feel sometimes H this is what you might have done but op is a different person to you isnt she.

EmilyGilmore · 02/12/2014 21:26

Oh ffs, unbelievable responses. Of course it's stingy and mean! Of course it is. Assuming they are not hard up. I cannot believe the tripe people post on here sometimes. Just to outdo each other with their sanctimony. I bet not one of you in real life would think this was ok.

jenster1976 · 02/12/2014 22:08

Can I add that my lovely 5 year olds love a good book and do enjoy getting and receiving them, but would be disappointed if that was all they got, they wouldn't articulate it, but in the moment they would short term appreciate and be more excited about the necklace, and their grandparents would totally get that and therefore give both, one for sensible long term enjoyment and something a 5 year old wants now! It's not rocket science but she's a child, there's only so much excitement a 5 yr old can do with a book...

daisychain01 · 02/12/2014 22:09

I can't stand meanness I just don't get the mentality of someone thinking that a plastic necklace is an acceptable gift ffs you can get that in a Christmas cracker in fact at least with a cracker you get a hat a joke and a snap Jeez. They could have bought the plastic necklace plus a few other things as well. I feel cringy on your behalf OP
YANBU

loiner45 · 03/12/2014 03:20

See it's this notion of 'a few other things as well' that is just odd to me - in my family if you buy anything you buy one present, more than one would be thought strange and OTT. I still don't find what the GPs did was at all odd or mean

Bulbasaur · 03/12/2014 03:42

Oh ffs, unbelievable responses. Of course it's stingy and mean! Of course it is. Assuming they are not hard up. I cannot believe the tripe people post on here sometimes. Just to outdo each other with their sanctimony. I bet not one of you in real life would think this was ok.

Right? Grin

There's a huge difference between MIL who is struggling to make ends meet, loves her grandchildren to pieces, and gives them a small gift that they genuinely think they'll want... and... MIL who is obviously living the high life, spends thousands on themselves, and then decides that their grandchild is only worth a cheap gift.

In the US we have a thing call "Fuck you" tips. Where instead of tipping nothing, you tip something ridiculous like $0.50 as an insult. It's a way of showing just how little you think of your waiter. Tipping nothing doesn't carry the same insult.

Really, MIL is just taking a dig at OP and using oblivious GC as the medium. GC will of course love her gift because she doesn't get the insult or understand the value of money, which almost makes it worse.

Honestly, I'd put a stop to the gifts. The next time when MIL does this DD might understand the poke, and you don't want to expose her to that. It's better to get no gift at all.

duplodon · 03/12/2014 03:54

Here in Ireland, there is definitely a sense that how much you spend on a gift reflects your value to that person. I don't agree with this thinking, but it's inescapable and as the amount suggested by OP would be the 'expected' for a birthday party present from a classmate, it's fair to say that nine times out of ten, spending this on a gc where there is no financial hardship would be all about the message and absolutely not innocent or unintended.

duplodon · 03/12/2014 03:58

Also has anyone mentioned this? It's an old sociological/anthropological treatise about how gifts are used to forge and cement relationships between people.

PTAblues · 03/12/2014 09:04

Bulbasaur I love the idea of a 'fuck you' tip. It's either a 'fuck you present' or a 'have no interest/need in making an effort' present.

I hate people who spend on themselves but are mean towards others. It's not an attractive quality.

BlairBass · 03/12/2014 09:18

Oh honey, I would be a bit surprised too! I think it's linked to how you and your parents are used to showing love - I don't think it's a materialistic problem or 'all about the money' as others suggest. Simply, that you (and I - and my father!) feel that if you love someone you want to get them lots of thoughtful gifts to show it. I was raised by my Dad who would bring home little gifts 'just because' - but not expensive, maybe a marzipan mouse or a sticker. I therefore find people who don't show love this way a bit stingy but maybe they show love in other ways - lots of compliments, physical affection, etc.
but maybe you're upset because she's ghastly in other ways?! My MIL is sadly just an annoying, negative person so I find the smallest things that she does annoy me! Oh, and by the way, she bought a blow up toy from a charity shop for my DD... But her stinginess borders on an illness, I know it's no reflection on DD ;-)

BrendaBlackhead · 03/12/2014 09:19

I agree that others are being sanctimonious, and bringing up irrelevant examples of a poor struggling granny finding delightful vintage jigsaws at a jumble sale. This is not the case here!

And the OP hasn't said if it applies to her, but as I've posted before, in the case of my in-laws they were happy to ask for high-value presents for themselves but not reciprocate. It wasn't really about the value of the present, but the very careful decision-making about the cost, when in the same shopping trip they'd buy a Royal Doulton figurine for themselves (they had hundreds of the things).

What do people think of the Chinese custom, then, where you are really judged by the value of a gift? Is this a charming foreign custom or should we castigate an entire nation?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/12/2014 09:22

I would not castigate them, no, Brenda, but I wouldn't wish to adopt those customs myself either.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 03/12/2014 09:33

My Pils are very rich and give my dcs pathetic presents. They never give me a birthday present, unless its a birthday ending in a 0. But I take it as a sign of their background (once poor, working class) and their generation (WW2 babies). They don't like squandering money and they think children have far too much and, to a point, I agree with them. It can be a bit annoying when my mum spends hours finding the perfect gift for everyone and pays accordingly, but such is life. I think it reflects Pils' values and is not an attack on the OP or her dd.

Frogme · 03/12/2014 09:33

YANBU.

You weren't being greedy in asking for low value items. Fair enough if she couldn't get the necklace or couldn't afford it, but to deliberately withhold it, mil was being mean.

You'd probably have bought it yourself if you'd known. It was what dd wanted for her birthday!

jasper · 03/12/2014 09:35

completely utterly unreasonable and I hope you don't pass these values on to your children.

only one present when I'd asked for two . I cannot believe you think like this

Frogme · 03/12/2014 09:47

But a loving gp would be thinking "two items, great, double the happiness of gdc for very little cost"
Why would you take that away from your gc unless you were a bit mean?

Frogme · 03/12/2014 09:49

It's not the actual cost, it's the thought process behind it. They have not thought of the dgc happiness at receiving two presents. Regardless of cost.

rockybalboa · 03/12/2014 09:50

YABU. They asked what they should get her. You told them. They got it. The problem is what? Perhaps you should suggest they get her a pony next year if you don't think they are spending enough. You don't judge how much you love someone by how much you spend on them. Well, not unless you are very shallow.

Frogme · 03/12/2014 09:56

What a lot of old baloney. Of course it is shallow if they can't afford it, or for any other good reason. Mil has no good reason not to get what dgc wants. In this case it just happened to be two items which were reasonably priced. Op was very reasonable for suggesting low value items rather than being grabby and asking for expensive things. It is mean to spend £5 when you can easily afford more. This isn't some random person. It is their grandchild who they should want to please.

Frogme · 03/12/2014 09:57

As I said before it is not the actual money. It's the rationale behind it.

Frogme · 03/12/2014 09:58

No they are not obliged to spend more on two presents. But you would think they would want to. The fact they don't want to is what would hurt me.

littlemslazybones · 03/12/2014 10:01

Tighter than a gnat's chuff, given the circumstances. YANBU

kissmelittleass · 03/12/2014 10:02

Try having my mil..she doesn't even send dd who recently turned 5 a card! not amind a present!has only ever sent one card she forgets so she says even after asking the date to be written down for her in her diary!no present for xmas, no easter egg nowt nothing zilch!!! no yanbu but at least she achknowledges your dc birthday I would prefer that to dc being ignored

OnlyLovers · 03/12/2014 10:09

It is their grandchild who they should want to please.

They WILL please her! Twice, in fact. She'll be pleased on her birthday to receive a book she wanted. Then at Christmas she'll be pleased to receive a necklace she wanted.