AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

[Gogorat]

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

But if the OP had suggested a bike and a dolls house then it would have been entirely reasonable for the gps to think that equalled two occasions. But two fiver presents? Then that's just mean.

I think people can spend as much or as little as they like on presents.

The recipient should say a polite thank-you.

I can only hope the child here doesn't pick up her parents' attitudes to presents and money.

I was not going to post on this thread again but just wanted to explain why this business with DD's present has upset me so much as even those people who could see my point of view thought that my feelings of being 'utterly speechless, hurt and massively pissed off' were a bit OTT. Well maybe this will help you to understand ...

DH and I have been married for almost 20 years and from the outset it was clear to me that the inlaws do not like me. MIL was always 'artificially' friendly and used to make snide comments in my direction that were so subtle that DH used to say I was imagining things (although years later during an argument he did once let slip that MIL had tried to warn him off marrying me).

Anyway one of the ways the inlaws made me feel uncomfortable was in the way they spent (less) money on me. We used to go out together and DH and FIL would take it in turns to buy the drinks. DH is quite generous and would always get large glasses of whatever was requested. FIL, on the other hand, always got large drinks for DH, MIL and himself, but always a small one for me. The first few times I had a lager so I figured that FIL just thought that young girls don't drink pints. However, I then asked for a glass of wine like MIL and again was only given a small glass.

Now I can already hear loads here shouting 'grabby, greedy, entitled, materialistic' and 'you should be grateful that you got anything at all', but like a previous (kinder) poster said: It's not about the value, it's about the message being sent out. My DH, on the other hand, has always been treated as an equal by my family, in fact I would go as far as to say that he always gets 'preferential' treatment (e.g. second helpings, last piece of cake etc.).

I just feel that the reason my DD's present has been split is because she is MY daughter ...

I'm so with you! My parents treat DH like he can do no wrong , they think he is fantastic. My MIL is superficially friendly, but you can feel the waves of disapproval radiating at almost everything I do. It's exhausting!

YANBU OP - it's stingy and petty. Lots of ridiculous whipped-up sanctimony on this thread! Of course it's stingy FFS. Of course people use the value of presents as a way of subtly insulting others (the "fuck you" tip is a good analogy).

My uncle used to get us kids stuff for Christmas like a cheap blank cassette tape each (divided up from a multi-pack); or, one memorable year, a roll of cheap camera film each from a multi-pack that had been kept so long that the film was starting to expose (!) We all knew that it was not only that he was tight as a gnat's chuff but that it was also a way of insulting us because he didn't get on with my mother (his sister). One year aged 10 I got an old yellowing pack of cheap American Tan nylon tights! We would all have preferred not to get anything rather than a "fuck off tip" kind of gift which generates bad feeling and makes people feel awkward and unwanted.

(I mean just imagine aged 9, 7 ad 5 that your Christmas present from your uncle is one small box of old camera film, each one carefully wrapped and tied in a minuscule bow. I can tell you that we certainly did know it was cheap and an insult - and we certainly weren't materialistic children!)

Cherubim - I understand you were disappointed, that really was mean. But OP's child received a book she had asked for. So, the problem is . . .?

A book is a lovely gift.

My own analogy above, where darling grandmother bought us jumble sale gifts and jumpers knitted from re-used wool wrapped in pre-used wrapping paper weren't given because she was hard up. On the contrary - those grandparents were actually pretty well-off. They just were of the generation where you don't waste money (or resources) when it can be saved, because they'd lived through two World Wars. Thriftiness was ingrained in them, and we loved them for it. It really was a standing joke. All the teasing comments "Oh, I recognise that wrapping paper, you didn't even iron it this year" and so on. Yet they were bountiful in so many other ways. The monetary value of a gift does not necessarily give an accurate measurement as to how much someone loves you.

Oh come on, the OP's PILs clearly didn't live through the war!

The monetary value of a gift does not necessarily give an accurate measurement as to how much someone loves you.

But it can certainly be used to make a point. In the OP's case it's the sentiment that a 5 yo "shouldn't" have more than one small cheap gift that is clearly the issue, because they've actually bought the other bit and are "holding it back"! That is clearly making a point about what the little girl is worth or "should" have.

FWIW we weren't disappointed as such by my uncle's presents - it was a family joke - but we very clearly understood that it meant, and that he meant it to be understood, as a snub. He went on three cruises a year (still does) and is certainly not of the wartime generation!

By calling someone 'thrifty' and 'stingy', surely that is just exactly what people are doing. They are telling the grandparents that they should have spent more money on the gift
How is that not telling someone how they should be spending their money? [QUOTE from EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

They aren't 'telling' the grandparents anything. They are voicing their opinion on a discussion board. That is like saying that if someone on here says they don't like high heels with jeans they are 'telling' people how to dress. No, they're not. They're voicing a personal opinion.

Oh come on, the OP's PILs clearly didn't live through the war

Why is that clear? My in-laws are in their 80s, so they lived through at least the Second World War

I agree about the whipped up sanctimony. And only on Mumsnet could someone who advised GPs to buy their granddaughter a small book and a cheap plastic necklace for her birthday be called 'grabby' 'materialistic' etc

I used to get a mug from my aunt for Xmas. Every year. Who gives an 8 year old a mug for Xmas?! And then again at 9 and 10, 11 and 12?! At which point, I graduated in her esteem and got a box of chocolate fingers instead. Again, a point was being made, which was 'I don't give a shit about you'. I wasn't an ungrateful child either, but I realised from early on that presents carry certain messages. Thanks auntie!

I have repeatedly said that I think the in laws were a bit odd to do that, and I would be surprised. It's the OP's beyond speechless, massively pissed off, hurt for her dd over reaction that I am commenting on. Raised eyebrows, a shrug and move on is the appropriate response.

Exactly. One can vent here in (relative) peace. I would have never in a million years have said, "Mil, just why have you given me a small box of chocolates with a sell-by-date of next week? Especially when you asked for a case of champagne which you duly received?" Never!!!! But one can express exasperation and hurt at someone's actions and solicit support.

If the OP asked if she were unreasonable to have told her mil she was a miserable skinflint and she would never darken her door again then yes, I'm sure (most) people would have thought that to be an unwise route.

I think OP is BU. Not hugely, but my own grandmother used to buy me charity shop finds for Christmas (she loved charity shops) and they were always appreciated. I doubt many (if any) presents came to more than £15 at the very most, but the cost never once entered my mind.
My parents would never have dreamed of mentioning that she hadn't spent a lot, but then again, none of us care about the cost of gifts.

But, Hakluyt, I think we have certain expectations of our dc's grandparents. I would just shrug if any other relative gave a £5 present, and if it were a friend, I would be very pleased they had thought of them.

But grandparents - and certainly ones who are well off - to be spending £10 and then taking the trouble to secrete away half of the present to save for a few weeks' later - that surely is mean?

I know grandparents can spend their money how they like yada yada, and many on here only received an old holey pair of pants from their lovely grandma and have special memories forever more - but in 2014 £5 from two well-off grandparents is hardly a magical experience.

Who was bought a holey pair of pants from their Grandma? Must have missed that post - would have made me chuckle

YANBU - pair of old tightwads

Jack my father used to scour jumble sales and second hand shops to buy me books and annuals from 'Santa'. We also got second hand bikes spray painted. Those presents didn't involve a lot of money (because my parents didn't have it) but they involved time and effort and were excitedly received.
That's different from well off grandparents just saving themselves the effort of having to think of a Christmas present by holding back a cheap little plastic necklace for the occasion, instead of giving it to their granddaughter with the small book they had bought her for her birthday. It's the spirit behind it; not the money.

£5 from two well-off grandparents is hardly a magical experience.

Perhaps I'm exceptionally naive or just a fond-eyed old bat, or both, but I find that a really saddening statement. It's a long time since I was five years old, but I'm as sure as I can be that Christmas and birthdays were 'magical experiences' all round, not just because of the presents but because of the people around me telling and showing me they loved me. And I'd have found a book 'magical'. And a necklace that I'd wanted. And at five, does she know or care how 'well off' her grandparents are?

YANBU. This is not about the price of a gift it's a power play based on favouritism. It's the wider picture that's very important here.

This type of crap really gets to me as it was used on me all the time as a child onwards. For example

Me: My parents wouldn't pay for me to go to university and my mother decided I should pay rent and buy my own clothes from my little part-time job while studying.
Everyone else: So? That's life. Don't be so entitled.
Wider picture: Parents paid for my older sibling to go to university and my mother gave sibling generous monthly allowance (with extra when he asked) as she thought he should not have to work while studying. She also continued to buy him clothes too. So she took money from me to give to him.

You can't change your inlaws OP. You have the option of ignoring it or pulling them up every time (the passive aggressive worked better than being direct with my mother) eg

Small glass of wine given to OP "Oh dear, did you forget to get me a normal glass of wine again FIL"
Small present given to DD "I'm sure DD won't notice that you're a little short of money this year MIL."

This takes up precious energy so you need to decide whether you want to go down this route or simply ignore the situation.

No, but the OP does, and the calculating behaviour of halving £10 is not generous - in spirit as well as monetary terms.

it's probably because the gps think your dd has plenty of "stuff" and she doesn't need any more, hence the minimal presents. my parents are a bit the same but then will hand over £50 on another occasion for their savings (which i spend )

don't worry about it! honestly, it's not worth it. at least they actually remember her birthday, many gps/relatives don't.

ps dds' gm (dh's mum) will usually give them £5 cash for birthdays. i think that's ok, never thought it was stingy tbh, there are loads of grandkids on that side of the family and i'm impressed she remembers and gets a card in the post.
my kids have everything they could possibly want and will only spend it in the sweet shop or smiggle!

Fallingovercliffs - I don't think anyone is calling the OP grabby for asking for two items totalling only a tenner - I think they are calling her grabby for being so incensed that her ILs hadn't given her dd both gifts and questioning this irl.