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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 02/12/2014 15:23

Dh's mother has 17 grandchildren to buy for. I wouldn't blame her for splitting a present or two!

cheesecakemom · 02/12/2014 15:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 15:25

Hakluyt

It may have passed you by as you obv have no interest in this subject but its been done many times on MN, " I am dreading being a MIL with sons after all these posts re MILS"

Many many women then come onto share painful stories about their awful treatment at their mils hands, awful stories Hakluyt, like accusing the DIL of murdering the miscarried baby or not recoginsing the child with LD.

Its been made clear time and time again, dils come on when they have had a problem, to share and ask for help, advise or a hand hold...people rarely come on to say...we are all so happy....not that much to say there or help needed.

As this board was set up to help mothers, it seems fitting dils should come on if they have issues with their mil and I know I have had much amazing help myself...

so unless it interests you, and you read all the threads like I do, pretty much.....perhaps your not best placed to comment?

cheesecakemom · 02/12/2014 15:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 15:29

Dh's mother has 17 grandchildren to buy for. I wouldn't blame her for splitting a present or two!

My GPs had far more than that, and I dont think they ever brought presents. No one minded at all.

I never got one off them, I think one set sent a fiver in a card....

presents werent their thing nor my parents really. its not a comparable situation.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 15:30

The amount of greed and ungrateful ness is really starting to put me off Christmas. Grin

I know what you mean, esp when well of GP's ask what a 5 year old wants and is told v cheap gift both totaling under a tenner and then holds one back. Shock

Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 15:31

I hate all the greed that goes with Christmas too, and the ridiculous overspending. But I think it's unfair to lump the OP in with the type of people who demand expensive presents, think their kids should get hundreds of pounds worth of stuff from Santa, and judge everyone by how much they spend on presents.

She is just hurt that, after requesting two very small items that probably wouldn't even add up to the average cost of a gift from grandparents, they couldn't just parcel the two things up together for her birthday gift but were holding one back to save them the effort of looking for a Christmas present. I mean seriously, holding back a five pound necklace??

Hakluyt · 02/12/2014 15:32

"Many many women then come onto share painful stories about their awful treatment at their mils hands, awful stories Hakluyt, like accusing the DIL of murdering the miscarried baby or not recoginsing the child with LD."

Yes.Absolutely awful. However, not, as far as I know, unique to MILs. I would obviously support anyone being treated in such an appalling way by anyone,

Support someone getting "speechless and massively pissed off" because their child was bought a present that they wanted, but which didn't cost enough? Not so much.

IrianofWay · 02/12/2014 15:36

I don't understand how only giving one thing for birthday and another for christmas is being controllling. If it were me I would assume that thing A was one suggestion and thing B was another - an either/or not an and. 'She wants thing A and thing B' does sound quite greedy regardless of the cost.

Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 15:41

At the end of the day you have a very well off couple, who buy themselves expensive things, and own several properties, giving their granddaughter a five pound plastic necklace for Christmas.

Yes, they're perfectly entitled to spend their money how they want. And people are entitled to think they're a bit tight.

cheesecakemom · 02/12/2014 15:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

RowRowRowCrocodileScream · 02/12/2014 15:44

Whilst I can see why you might be upset, YABU. Your DD has got a present that she wants and will get the other one at Christmas and she may well appreciate them individually more by getting them on separate occasions. IMO it's a mistake to judge the value of the gift by its monetary value.

Hakluyt · 02/12/2014 15:46

I would be a bit surprised too. But "speechless, massively pissed off, hurt for dd" is an enormous over reaction,

BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2014 16:01

Have you got your hair shirt on yet OP? Youhave achieved the MN holy trinity of being grabby, entitled and materialistic! Wink

ElkTheory · 02/12/2014 16:07

YABU. Good grief. Do people really calculate the monetary value of each gift they (and their children) receive? What a miserable way to live.

FruitCakey · 02/12/2014 16:11

OP, for what it's worth, I agree with you and don't believe YABU at all.

As other posters have said, it isn't just about money, as I am sure you know. I don't get why they couldn't have put a little more thought into her? Yes, she wanted a book - but I don't think giving her the necklace for her birthday and getting her something else for Xmas would break the bank. I don't believe it's malicious, but I do think it's stingy!

ElkTheory · 02/12/2014 16:13

According to various MN threads, you must never give a grandchild (or niece or nephew) any of the following gifts:

Something the child has asked for
Something the child has not asked for (he/she may not like it!)
Something that costs too much (whatever random amount that may be, adjust accordingly)
Something that costs too little (ditto)
Any article of clothing (always deemed unsuitable)
Anything edible (the sugar! the sugar!)
An advent calendar

I'm sure I've missed a few. Anyone want to add to the list? Smile

MildDrPepperAddiction · 02/12/2014 16:14

It sounds like you do have a problem with your mil. At least she asked and got something your dd liked. My mil rarely acknowledges my DC's birthdays.

Yabvvvu!

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 16:17

because their child was bought a present that they wanted, but which didn't cost enough? Not so much.

But in this context of already being asked to get two small token gifts, they couldn't manage even that, I can understand the ops upset.

Its seems like she can ask her own parents freely, and they contribute to savings, I can see why when she specifically tailored a low cost gift for the pils to cover was then split.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 16:24

However, not, as far as I know, unique to MILs

not unique to mils but this is MN and whilst a few posters say they have mothers who are hard work or whatever it is usually mils on here, its just the person the op seems to have the issue with...

its a huge site and everyone knows there are many mil threads. its the wya it is.

FrenchJunebug · 02/12/2014 16:34

YABU you kid doesn't care how much the gift cost. She will care because it is something she wanted.

you do seem to care more about the cost.

AryaUnderfoot · 02/12/2014 16:36

ElkTheory you forgot:

Something that the child wants/would love, but the parents themselves cannot provide. This may be something as simple as taking the child to a panto/event.

MissBattleaxe · 02/12/2014 16:38

*As this board was set up to help mothers, it seems fitting dils should come on if they have issues with their mil and I know I have had much amazing help myself...

so unless it interests you, and you read all the threads like I do, pretty much.....perhaps your not best placed to comment?*

Everyone has a right to comment, DILs, Mils, mothers of sons, everyone!

Anyway-
I find it very grabby and sad that there is apparently an invisible spending threshold that unwitting grandparents have to stick to it in order to appease DILs! So if your house is worth 300k there is apparently a corresponding amount your gifts have to cost?

I also think that it is a difference in attitude and generation. The post war generation only buys what they need, but us lot these days? we are assaulted by this need for "stocking fillers" and we won't stop until there's enough to fill one. It's sad how much of a consumer society we have become and how much less we appreciate stuff when we have 100 times more than the post war people who were just coming off rationing.

MissBattleaxe · 02/12/2014 16:39

As this board was set up to help mothers, it seems fitting dils should come on if they have issues with their mil and I know I have had much amazing help myself... so unless it interests you, and you read all the threads like I do, pretty much.....perhaps your not best placed to comment?

Everyone has a right to comment, DILs, Mils, mothers of sons, everyone!

Anyway-
I find it very grabby and sad that there is apparently an invisible spending threshold that unwitting grandparents have to stick to it in order to appease DILs! So if your house is worth 300k there is apparently a corresponding amount your gifts have to cost?

I also think that it is a difference in attitude and generation. The post war generation only buys what they need, but us lot these days? we are assaulted by this need for "stocking fillers" and we won't stop until there's enough to fill one. It's sad how much of a consumer society we have become and how much less we appreciate stuff when we have 100 times more than the post war people who were just coming off rationing.

BrendaBlackhead · 02/12/2014 16:47

But the OP has said that the grandparents have no problem with treating themselves.

My pil may have been of the rationing generation, but that only seemed to apply to their spending on other people. As far as they themselves were concerned, it was wallets away! That's what I can't understand - carefully counting up how much you've spent on a grandchild whilst booking your fifth Saga holiday of the year.