AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

[Gogorat]

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

ItsBeginning - maybe we look at different parts of the board, but I have seen as many stories about toxic parents as I have about toxic in-laws.

And since people are far, far more likely to come on here to rant/complain about their MIL than they are to come on and say how lovely their MIL is, we might not be getting a balanced view of how many MILs are evil ones. Going by the stories you see here, you might believe that almost all of them are vile, DIL-torturing bags - but as kind, tactful involved but not over-involved, thoughtful, supportive MILs like mine are not going to get as many threads started about them, we are not getting a fair view, IMO.

Brenda - but I still don't see the problem.

Grandparents have earned their money, over the years. It is surely up to them how they spend it. If they want to treat themselves, so be it.

We've said this very same thing to our respective parents (obv GPs of our children) - Spend your money on yourselves, don't worry about anyone else. We have never, ever, ever expected anything from them. In fact, my parents (live about 200 miles away) send cheques. I never cash them, because I know they can't really afford it. They don't know I haven't cashed them (don't check their bank statements), my children always write "Thank you" notes (I gave them the money when they were young so they don't know the cheques hadn't been cashed). Now they do know, many years later. They still write Thank you's, but will never, ever let on.

If the Grandparents want to book their fifth Saga holiday of the year - then THAT IS UP TO THEM. They have earned that money, they will spend it as they see fit. How dare anyone tell someone else how to spend their own money, and they think the grandparents are not spending enough on the "little darling golden grandchildren"? Utterly bizarre

Your children are your children - don't EXPECT gifts from other people - it is grabby.

No one has told anyone else how to spend their money Evans.

Yes, of course it's pretty tight fisted of them. Just be grateful the book was new. My gran used to get all our gifts from jumble sales. Mostly this was jigsaws without all the pieces and books that had scribble all over them and pages ripped out.

She wasn't short of a bob or two either.

Well, Falling - I beg to differ.
Brenda's post said pretty much exactly that. (Quite aside from other previous posts which I don't right now have time to scroll through, but I'm sure you could manage it for yourself)
Brenda's post said:

But the OP has said that the grandparents have no problem with treating themselves
That's what I can't understand - carefully counting up how much you've spent on a grandchild whilst booking your fifth Saga holiday of the year

There just seems to be a vein that Grandparents owe their Grandchildren some sort of gifting-type thingy going on.

They don't at all. IMV

I'd feel the same way too OP. My mum is not well off at all but loves getting dd and ds gifts for Christmas and birthdays. This year my mum has spent about £150 on ds and I think a bit more on dd. I haven't asked for any of this, she just loves doing it and starts early in the year so she is able.
I'd be just as happy if she spent £20 on them and so would they.

YANBU. A fiver is stingy from gps.

My darling Nanna used to buy gifts from jumble sales. Lots of our toys were missing vital bits and bobs. She also used to save all her wrapping paper, and we'd all get it again the following year. It was one of the family jokes and she was teased unmercifally (in a nice way). She was a first-world war baby, so saving things and not wasting them was in her veins. I have happy memories of all of this, though, as she loved us dearly. It didn't matter that all of her gifts were wrapped in tatty old paper, or our jumpers were made from re-used wool. She loved us, and we loved her.

And some of the toys were just brilliant. An old board bagatelle with pins in, some sort of plastic ice-breaker toy. They all worked. And I remember them with fondness.

Bless my lovely Nanna

unmercifally ? FFS - that is NOT what I typed!!

*But the OP has said that the grandparents have no problem with treating themselves.

My pil may have been of the rationing generation, but that only seemed to apply to their spending on other people. As far as they themselves were concerned, it was wallets away! That's what I can't understand - carefully counting up how much you've spent on a grandchild whilst booking your fifth Saga holiday of the year.*

But where does it say they carefully counted it up? There are two occasion- one is a birthday and one is Christmas. They asked for ideas and were given two ideas. I doubt they were cackling with glee at their own thriftiness.

What bugs me is the OP's entitlement: the GPs have a nice lifestyle and therefore should spend a wedge on the GCs. Actually nobody is owed a thing and their retirement and how they enjoy it is entirely their business.

Yanbu, it's often the case that the richer they are the tighter they are. Of course we can't dictate what people want to spend on our kids. But these are apparently wealthy people, a fiver on a grandchild?? Sorry but that is mean.

No one has told anyone else how to spend their money

By calling someone 'thrifty' and 'stingy', surely that is just exactly what people are doing. They are telling the grandparents that they should have spent more money on the gift
How is that not telling someone how they should be spending their money?

Haven't read the middle part of the thread but I think there is a middle way here.
OP-I don't think that you are "entitled" but I don't think you need to feel massively pissed off on your daughter's behalf as she won't estimate her grandparents opinion of her by the value of her present.
I would just say "Look- a lovely book from Grandma"-you don't want your daughter to grow up overly materialistic.
Having said that I still think they are very tight-fisted. Many grandparents really enjoy buying for their grandchildren and taking trouble to get a gift they will like.

For me, the middle way is that the OP's ILs may be mean, but it would be entitled and greedy of her to complain.

And as I said in my first post, her dd won't be calculating the cost of her gifts - she will just be happy that she has two things she wants from her grandparents.

Yes STDG that's sort of what I'm trying to say and you put it better.

If the OP had asked for something more expensive, there is no indication that the ILs would have refused. They did as they were guided.

There is such pressure on us all to buy so much at Christmas- no wonder the country is in debt. Social expectation!

They are telling the grandparents that they should have spent more money on the gift
How is that not telling someone how they should be spending their money?

No.

The GP have rung up and asked what should they get DD. Lovely.

Op, knowing her in laws has chosen two token gifts from the bottom of the cost pile. So we can Immediately rule out she is greedy and grabby.

The GP are told of two small, very cheap items, token items that would not put them out cost wise.

Its the splitting of the items thats the problem. Its the thought that has gone into stopping the child from getting two items at the same time! Two small token items at that!

From ops POV I bet there is a whole host of things she could have asked them to buy, scooters, innotabs....djeco stuff....loom band kits? Expensive book sets...Frozen crap.....I bet there are loads of things she could have asked them to buy....But she didnt,

Op modestly chose two small items her DD liked....and the GPS, split those items. Had the GP just given the two items at once, there would be no issue.

Its tight.

missbattle

If the OP had asked for something more expensive, there is no indication that the ILs would have refused.

I would give op more credit than that, it seems she already has a good idea of her in laws, hence only asking for the cheapest token items for her DD.

They way they dealt with that situation tells me something about her in laws, if they cant handle handing over two small token gifts I would also not be asking for more pricey items.

It would probably come, one screw at a time until the 21st birthday

It's just the expectation and entitlement! They can spend as much or as little they like!

From the point of OP choosing conveying the wish of two 'token' gifts to grandparents, to them digesting the words of the wish, that is neither grabby nor greedy. Get to the point of grandparents choosing one of the gifts from the list and deciding how much they would like to spend. All good so far.

Recipient of chosen gift is happy - she gets a lovely book, one she was hoping for.

Mother of recipient - "Grrrrrrrrr - stingy grandparents! How dare they only buy a book - what happened to the necklace that was also asked for. What are they thinking when they want to spend their very own hard-earned money on themselves instead of my DD? Why do they only love my DD enough to buy her just the book she wanted, and not enough to buy the necklace as well, which will probably be discarded in a week or so! Well they'd better not ever cuddle DD or offer to babysit EVER AGAIN! Bastard in-laws."

.

No.

Op sees her own hard working and generous parents who happily discuss with her what to get DD with warmth and generosity and money into a savings account, op, gives in laws special dispensations bearing in mind they are obv known to be tight.

They then surprise even her, with her low expectations by deliberately holding back one gift.
Her own parents have obv handed over lovely and far more expensive gifts with their hard earned money and they are less well off and put money into her savings account.

I can understand how op feels.

Seeing as the in laws seem to have issues with the gifts, the cost or the amount of gifts, I think op should side line in the future, then the GP can hang onto their Five pounds and buy themselves a well earned glass of wine with it....

Their issues have nothing on the op's issues, ItsBegining. She's "massively pissed off and hurt". They're most likely blissfully ignorant of any problem, her dd is perfectly happy with her book; so who's got the issue with the cost of the gift??

The sanctimony on this thread is breathtaking even by mumsnet standards. Money is ONE measure of the value of a gift. It obviously isn't the only one. If I've spent hours hunting down a special item which I finally find in a charity shop for 59p, then the cost is irrelevant. If I've spent hours in the workshop crafting a fabulous toy out of plywood worth 15p, the money is irrelevant. But if I eaen 100k a year and buy a plastic necklace from poundland for my granny's 60th wedding anniversary, even if I think it is quite a nice necklace, then I am being astonishingly stingy. Ditto if i turn up at a child's party bearing a mini pack of haribo as a gift, evern if the birthday ch8ld loves haribo. Money is one part of the measure of value for a gift, because money is ONE measure of how valuable an object is in our society (NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!!) - a representation of value is essentially what money is!

In this case, holding back a present worth a fiver is sending a message about the wealthy grandparents think of their grandchild - and especially as there is clearly a backstory here. I hold by what I said earlier: 95% of the people calling the OP grabby and entitled have in their time judged a present by its monetary value, if not directly, then indirectly. And if the gp had started a thread asking 'shall I hold back the necklace for Xmas?', they'd have been crucified on here.