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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be utterly furious beyond belief with dh

164 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 30/11/2014 17:06

Last year I got all the Xmas decs the Christmassy singing soft toys, lights decorations and stuff I've been collecting over the years including stuff from when the kids were born and boxed them up. It turns out DH 'thought' it was rubbish and has took it all to the tip. I've got nothing
I feel so upset and utterly angry as his thoughtless stupidity has caused me upset and will cost money to replace and this is not the first time it's happened with precious or valuable stuff.
He just doesn't get why I'm so upset and is trying to blame me by saying well I thought you were putting it up the loft

OP posts:

steppemum · 01/12/2014 23:54

I would be very upset.
Our Christmas stuff includes things from all round the world collected during my life.
We also have given the kids one ornament every year since they were born. They would be heartbroken if they were lost.

It is the same as loosing photos with no copies. I know it is only stuff, be anyone who has ever had a house fire or flood will tell you that stuff has an emotional connection.

On the other hand, accidents happen, and you can't undo it.
I think that I would be less upset though if it had been lost in a fire etc as this does feel like carelessness and lack of thought, which is harder to get past.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/12/2014 00:01

Who are these men that go to the tip all the time? Neither DH or I would even know where it was.

steppemum · 02/12/2014 00:01

sorry hadn't read whole thread - his lack of upset or remorse is the clincher for me.

If it was me, I would be sitting him down and saying that this has made me re-assess our relationship. His lack of thought for what is important to the rest of the family is an issue

slightlyworriednc · 02/12/2014 00:03

The stupid cheese in the shoe thing is your way of letting him off. A year from now this will be told as a 'funny' story. People will listen to it and believe it was an accident, and that you're craaaazy for putting cheese in his shoe, and now you're even.
And you'll laugh along.
But it really isn't funny.

I once said to a friend...I can't make you feel differently about him, but one day you will. And when you do...remember I agree with you. Lots of people on here see him as a manipulative bastard. You can't see that now, but one day you will. Please remember this thread.

Jux · 02/12/2014 01:21

I would be reassessing the relationship - twice in such a short time. He's either utterly thick not having learnt the first time and it'll happen many more times before he gets it, or it's deliberate and it'll happen many more times. Sorry, sharon. Which would you prefer it to be?

HowsTheSerenity · 02/12/2014 02:24

My Dad threw out boxes of books I had stored in my parents shed. It was all labelled. He said they were old and they I had enough books anyway.
It was the entire Mallory Towers, Famous Five, Secret Seven sets.
Including first editions

Canyouforgiveher · 02/12/2014 02:58

*sorry, but that is pish retaliation. Does he have any carefully collected and treasured items? Box them up and stash them somewhere. Deny all knowledge of touching them. Eventually tell him they were in the box of xmas items he "accidentally" took to the tip.

Or, take all his golf clubs to the pro shop and have them alter the grip. Even better, swap them for exactly the same clubs but left handed/an inch longer. Do this EVERY time he takes them to be re-gripped/altered until he gets really fed up and stops playing. If you are going to do revenge, do it properly*

I agree with PumpkinsMummy on this. But then again I'd have to ask myself: why am I with a man with whom I have to play these tedious games for him to understand what is normal behaviour?

The critical bit here is not that he threw away very important things but that he isn't sorry. If you threw out the core of an apple a workmate was eating you'd say sorry - but he won't say sorry for throwing out your memories and treasured possessions? He's an ass.

I'd be kind of tempted to set myself up for divorce - get all the papers/information in order - and then get a bunch of easter decorations together. The week before easter take out all of your money from all bank accounts etc. When he throws out the easter decorations - and he will - tell him the money was hidden in them - you were planning on some major reinvestment. What a pity it is all gone.

JessieMcJessie · 02/12/2014 04:44

Sorry, perhaps I am being thick but I don't understand his "well you said you were putting it in the loft". What does he mean- when you boxed up the decorations last year you said that you'd put them in the loft, but instead they've been in the conservatory all year? Did he throw them out recently, or have you just discovered now that he dumped them at some point during the year?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 02/12/2014 04:55

Where is the evidence that this was not just an honest mistake??

Maybe the DH thought he was being helpful by clearing the rubbish without being asked/nagged so to do.

Romann · 02/12/2014 04:55

YANBU but I wouldn't recommend you retaliate, you are stooping to his level if you do. He should have apologised. How to make him understand that though? Do you really think he did it on purpose to upset you? That's pretty serious.

musicalendorphins2 · 02/12/2014 05:30

Sorry you have lost your Christmas stuff, but what I would do is see it as a shopping opportunity for new decorations. Putting cheese in his boots is good, well done, never would have thought of that myself, but hitting him in the pocketbook is more relevant to the crime mistake he committed.

Adarajames · 02/12/2014 13:41

I make fused glass Christmas decorations, would be happy to post you a couple to get you started on your new collection if you'd like? don't have any spare nicer men to send to you though I'm afraid x

fuzzpig · 02/12/2014 13:50

His testicles might make quite pretty decorations if you put some glitter on them.

hippogrillapig · 02/12/2014 14:29

Wow! Reading the replies on here I've come to the conclusion that the majority of you on this thread are batshit crazy! The poor bloke has made one mistake and you're acting like spoilt children wanting revenge, how old are you all! Tbh I think the poor man would have a lucky escape if you left and that goes the same for the rest of the idiots on this thread! Unbelievable.

Icimoi · 02/12/2014 14:32

hippogrillpig, RTFT. That's two mistakes he's made of an identical type. Once I could understand, not twice.

And who on earth throws away boxes full of stuff without checking what's in them first?

hippogrillapig · 02/12/2014 14:36

But what's with all the LTB shit? Putting cheese in boots! Revenge! It's like play school antics.

But then I'm guessing op has just come on here to kick off and she won't leave and if she does over this then I'm sure her dh will have had a lucky escape.

YvesJutteau · 02/12/2014 16:16

It's the fact that the "poor man" isn't expressing any regret or contrition at all combined with the strong suspicion that he's done it on purpose (given that this is the second time he's made exactly the same "one mistake") that is fuelling the LTB suggestions, I think.

The revenge suggestions are just silly, but I do think that the OP should give some careful thought to whether this is a pattern of deliberate behaviour. Because if it is -- well, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life married to someone who repeatedly deliberately upset me and wasn't remotely sorry afterwards. But maybe that's batshit crazy of me.

Jux · 02/12/2014 19:06

He did it for the first time about 4 weeks ago, so that's not just two identical mistakes, but two identical mistakes on a very short time.

Is he quite old, sharon? It could be something serious like early stage dementia. Perhaps he should get himself checked out

So your choice would seem to be

Very stupid
Demented
Nasty

Or maybe he's a man who likes cheese in his shoes.

Darkesteyes · 02/12/2014 19:12

I see we have some posts from Stepford!

YouTheCat · 02/12/2014 19:21

Blimey! How difficult is it to look in a bag/box to determine if something is rubbish or not? I often do it and if I'm not sure I leave it and ask.

Original poster

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 02/12/2014 19:34

Jux - pmsl

OP posts:

Jux · 02/12/2014 19:50

DigestivePause · 02/12/2014 21:04

I LOVE your soft cheese revenge!

2rebecca · 02/12/2014 21:17

I'm surprised at his enthusiasm to go to the tip and the fact that yu don't discuss exactly what is being taken there when you go. We rarely go so it's a big expedition getting all the used light bulbs/ batteries etc sorted, any old clothing/ books/ any pruning needing done for the green bin. We both tend to know exactly what is going there.
Putting things in the loft is largely a bloke job here as well as he's taller and stronger, although usually we're both involved as no loft ladder so things need passed up.

LizzieVereker · 02/12/2014 22:09

My Dad used to pull crap like this. He'd suddenly go into a clear out frenzy, which involved binning everyone else's clutter personal possessions but never seemed to involve the removal of his very important man-things piles of crap. Caused a lot of genuine hurt. Not suggesting your DH did this deliberately, OP, just trying to say I know how you feel.

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