AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

[allGrace143]

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

Well if she doesn't have a close relationship with your BF then she can't really expect to move the goalposts and suddenly live in each other's pockets because a baby has arrived, IMO. If your BF wanted to see her more then that would be different but if he is happy how things are then it isn't your responsibility to do more.

When I said popping in I meant popping in unannounced. My boyfriend asked her to stop and she didn't like it. She doesn't think she should knock either and as I'm breast feeding I was embarrassed by this. She didn't ask she demanded that she should be taking my daughter in the pram and didn't back down when I nervously told her I hadn't left her with anyone. I compromised by asking her to babysit the following week for an afternoon which she did and had time on her own.

Well if she is a loving caring person then I think you might regret restricting her visits do much.

As your granddaughter grows she can gain so much from a good relationship with a grandparent. You might be only to glad to have her help out now and again especially once you return to work.

Congratulations on your new baby!

That doesn't match your original post. You said that your MIL was constantly 'hinting' that she'd like to come around more often, not that she regularly calls around and barges in without knocking. Also, I asked in one of my first posts if she 'demanded' or simply 'asked' if she could take the baby out in the pram and you didn't answer directly but said that you thought it unusual that a grandmother would want to wheel the baby out in the pram.
Your posts are becoming a bit confusing, to be honest.

OP, I see where you are coming from, I really do. I had an overbearing mil who would have liked nothing better to take her grandchild away from me for ages. I just wanted permanent snuggle time without people being all snatchy and interfering. It's a really really difficult time for you, and I have been there recently. I was bloody 'unreasonable' but it was my prerogative to be as unreasonable as I damn well chose - I was hormonal and bonding with my baby and sorting my new life out which included baby groups etc. So yes, I do think your behaviour is unreasonable. But completely understandable.

All I can say is, as your child gets older and is more difficult to manage (when they hit crawling/walking your life is over, fact) having a grandparent to take it away to the supermarket or for a walk etc several times a week to give you some space can be the difference between being a happy mum and an unhappy mum. I didn't need or want any space when DS was 3 months but a year in, I am so grateful for it.

So my advice is, whatever you do, don't burn any bridges.

There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her

in contrast

Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned.

I don't think the OP has been inconsistent.

Yawn. My original post said we have issues with boundaries i.e popping in all the time/making demands. Yes she is hinting because some time has past since her son nicely asked for some space and she obviously wants to see us more than the once a week Pattern. Why is this confusing?

Op nobodyhas been nasty. They have given you an opinion of your OP. Clearly this has come as a shock to you. Well, sorry about that but you asked and you got told!

FWIW I think YABVU. And in a few years time when you need help and support from a loving grandmother who is availale 5 minutes away, you might just realise that

P.s. It is completely normal (if extremely annoying at times) for grandparents to want to:

• wheel the baby out without the parents
• indulge little fantasies that strangers will congratulate them in the cuteness of the baby, even, who knows, mistaking them for the parents
• feed the baby themselves
• pick the baby up out if the cot when it is crying instead if letting the parents do it

...And generally do all sorts of things that can feel to a vulnerable new mum like they are 'muscling in'. Actually, they just want to be involved and get their hands stuck in and comes from a good place. But it's very natural to feel possessive over your baby.

I also said in my original post that obviously if there was a family thing I.e birthday, party, special dinner etc then we see then more than once

You're quite rude actually OP. I've given my opinion to your question in your first post, and pointed out where I found your subsequent clarifications a bit different from what you were saying in that first post.
If that makes you 'yawn' then not much point in continuing the discussion.

Wow, so much nastiness for the OP!
This is a new mum with a young baby, regular weekly visits are more than some get, and it sounds like there are other visits ad hoc as well.
I wouldn't have wanted anyone taking my baby out at that age, except DH, so I think it's perfectly normal and acceptable for the OP not to want the baby taken out without her there.
These threads usually go the other way! Telling the OP to do what makes her happy, don't be forced into regular visits, or something she isn't comfortable with.
This is very odd!

Op I haven't read the whole thread but YANBU.

I'm like a lioness with my babies. I can't help it. I don't mind people having a cuddle but I'm not that fussed about having "a break". I don't find it easy to "share" my DC. I don't know why but I just don't.

That might sound cold and controlling but that's tough really.

Until children came along my parents and PIL generally left us to it. We had dinner with them occasionally and popped in every couple of weeks and that seemed to be enough. Now DC are involved I find it incredibly draining and demanding to fit them all in (we have three sets as my parents are divorced). If I saw them all as much as they wanted I'd have no time for anything else!!

You dictate the time you feel is appropriate and don't worry about it.

There was a few nasty names actually! Not been so much a shock really, just interesting. A few people warned me that this happens on these types of threads! Ahhhhh, it's been an experience lol!

Lots of people on MN don''t get on with their families / don't see the importance of close relationships. We're all different. I LOVE both my parents and PIL and live less than 5 minutes walk from my Mum.

My Mum popped in on me or me to her 5+ times a week when I was on mat leave - as in she'd knock and pop in if I was in, go on her way if not and vice versa. PIL live 20 minutes drive away so usually ring first but when I was on mat leave i saw them loads.

DS could have found his way to my Mums house on his own before he was a year old I bet.

The result is that DS is really close to his GP - and they to him. If we need a babysitting favour they do it in an instant without lists of what to do / not to do etc like some on here leave because they know him so well.

Family is important to me and I want DS to be surrounded by people who love him and I want him to know and show love.

Honestly - what's so wrong with being close to family?

Thank you MATB1, you've made me feel a lot better. My partner and I are the same, always independent so quite overwhelmed to have the situation we have now that baby arrived!

YABVVVU

One hour a week when she lives 5 mins away?

I see my mum more than that and she lives much further away now.

I think it is very important to encourage the relationships between grandparents and children though. I also was happy to get a break.

I don't even get on with my MIL anymore but she sees my children much more than that.

I seriously hope my future dil's allow me more than one hour a week with my grandchildren.

I also couldn't imagine being 5 mins away from my GC and not being allowed to see them much. That must be so hurtful and hard to know your new gc is down the road but its mum is stopping you from visiting more.

I have two sons who are still primary age. Threads like this make me nervous.

OP now that you are a mother yourself, can you try and imagine what it feel like if your child's partner didn't like you seeing them or their child more than one hour a week?

It would break my heart if it was me.

The "popping in" thing is easily dealt with. Just get DP to say "Mum, don't pop in unannounced, but if you could come round on Weds afternoons every week so allGrace can have a bath/go shopping/have a sleep that would be really handy"

Just an example. Oh and the GM is not a weirdo for wanting to see her GC for more than one hour a week.

OP did these people not advise you to not be as rude as you have been to fall?

Ahhhhh, it's been an experience lol

Has it hun?? Good.

Glad to see that people (including grandparents) have thought, and given, considered answers (in the main) which, with the addition of a little drip feeding from you has resulted in you confirming that you are right.

I think you should move, if you can (and want to), because I think there will end up with hurt on both sides with this.

Honestly - what's so wrong with being close to family

I know it's not for everyone, but I am so glad I am close to my DGC. I usually go around on a Wednesday (asked for, not me imposing) and I couldn't this week. So middle DGD demanded to know where I was and why she wasn't with me. And the huge grin I get from the baby because he is delighted to see me means the absolute world.

Purple - how I loved what you said about children can never have too many people in their lives who love them. And merry - what's this about little babies not doing anything so why would a gp want to spend time with them? Those grandmother cuddles in the first few weeks, watching their perfect eyelids flutter, their little fingers curled round yours, the inexpressible feeling of love and awe that you are a part of this amazing little creature. I have to say I never pop round though- it's always agreed even if at the last minute.

It may be hurtful but I guess I have to balance it with what's good with me! I felt really down when gran was constantly in and out when daughter arrived. I will start taking daughter to grans more often when boyfriend at work though

Fall was boring me, continually posting my own sentences. I know what I wrote. She was also making me feel uncomfortable.