Am I being mean and making MIL freeze

[40somethingwonderful]

Lots of history with MIL who is difficult at best.

She is coming to stay for a week at the beginning of December and she already has been moaning to other relatives that her awful DIL will make her freeze, by this she means not whacking up the central heating to 21 degrees as she does in her own home.

My 2 dc's and myself so not feel the cold much and we usually only have the heating on for a few months when its really cold, dh feels it a bit more but quite happily wears a jumper in the winter months, myself and DD really struggles if it is too hot and when we visit MIL & FIL we can not stay too long as its too hot.

I do not want to make her feel unwelcome, but also can not stand it being too hot, so we usually set it for 18 degrees, (which is about the most I can stand) MIL will wear a thin top and a very thin cardigan and then complain she is freezing and asks for a blanket. We have bought her thick jumpers and thick cardigans for Christmas, but she does not bring them to wear.

Where MIL is concerned my views are very cloudy, she is not a frail old lady, she is early 60's and very active.

I have always been of the opinion you can add layers, so AIBU and am in fact ill treating my MIL.

The OP has bought her MIL cardigans and jumpers in the past, which is equivalent IMO to you keeping blankets/hot water bottles/hot drinks. She has tried. The MIL is NOT trying (I know I keep harping on this, but she has not even tried to the small extent of wearing slightly less thin clothes).

I would be mortified if guests sat in my house in thick jumpers and shivered. I'd offer them blankets and turn up the heating. If someone had thin clothes on I would offer them blankets, but I would not spend extra money or make others uncomfortably warm by turning up the heating so they could sit about in thin cardigans in November.

I'm not saying the OP hasn't tried only.

Like I think I said I think MIL is set in her ways and has her own (a bit skewed but goes with her own Amazon/desert type temperatures at her own house) way of thinking re heating and the clothes she wears.

I just think it would be rude of DIL to try to dictate to MIL (obviously a difficult relationship here) what she can wear etc... as that's what MIL wears in her own home...

turning up the heating a bit for 1 week when she stays?! that will hardly break the bank then. If MIL moans afterwards that she was too cold then OP will have a valid point that there's no pleasing her MIL. But to give into her for now would be what I'd do. to keep the peace!

You ar a better peace-keeper than I, then, Super; I would dig my heels in and not consider myself unreasonable to do so!

I am with you there onlylovers.

With regards to the tea/coffee, MIL gets up and has a shower, comes down and comments she doesn't function without her morning tea, she has stayed at least twice a year for the past 10 year or so and I have never not known her to have a tea in the morning, she usually has her coffee's in the afternoon.

She got FIL to call DH and ask about taking the kids out of school for a few days, he was not impressed as I had already said no.

Dreading this visit much more than any before :( But at least with the heating turned up a notch that will be once less thing to moan about ;)

My MIL's house is usually roasting. Neither she nor her dh can be described as elderly. My parent's house is not roasting but they always feel cold here. I tend to keep the house warmer than usual when any of them visit. I just think it is being considerate.

Fancy asking you to take the children out of school.

Good luck forty . Keep focussing on how delighted you'll be after she's been. Perhaps see if Accessorize do a nice halo in your size.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/5372296.stm

I'm a cold person. Unless the heating is in the 20s I have goosebumps. Drive my dh nuts as he is a person like you who hates heat. We compromise. It's slightly too hot for him and I have a blanket while watching TV

She's a guest. Compromise a little.

This isn't about the heating. At all.

It's about mil being a passive aggressive twat who, even when she gets her own way, will still whinge.

Sympathies 40, it all sounds really draining

Yes, MIL seems very annoying.
Good luck.

That is a little mean, maybe get her a blow heater? Ive been freezing in someones house before and it isnt nice i wanted to cry, i know dramatic but i did lol

Sounds like she's looking for a reason to complain. I'm a 'cold' person, my hands are hardly ever warm, but I wouldn't expect the heating to be up so high in someone else's house to suit me.

If she brings a thin top and thin cardigan and won't bring the thick clothing she's been given, she's clearly not willing to compromise. I thought "definitely not unreasonable" when I saw that she'd been calling you her "awful DIL" who "will make her freeze", OP. That's plain nasty.

I've lived without central heating (used to live in a hot country where it would only be cold 1/2 months every year so central heating was pointless) and was okay with an extra blanket or two and thick pyjamas.

She sounds high maintenance but at the same time - if a friend asked you to turn the heating up you probably would. Im the same as you - I actually feel ill with too much heat - and I also mostly take any MIL requests as veiled criticisms. That said - Id pop it up to 20 for her visit - there really is nothing worse than freezing in a hosts house. Been there!

Well that visit is over with.

DH asked her to leave yesterday, due to her awful behaviour.

I turned the heating up for her arrival 20 degrees, she walked through the door announced she felt like she was in a sauna !, asked if the bedding was clean as it felt itchy (it was clean and the same one she has had on the bed previously), she arrived 2 hours early while I was ironing, a passive aggressive comment about a nice welcome to see me doing my chores !. After about the 20th passive aggressive comment, DH asked his mum calmly about why she feels the need to make her comments and belittle everything I say, she looked shocked and acted dumb. The following day she limited her comments to when DH was out the room but he had heard a comment when coming back into the room. She told us at dinner last night that she feels not welcome as I have been turning DH against his mum (WTF) dh then told her if it wasn't for me the contact between them would be a lot less, and that if she had any sense she would make a massive effort with me.

Later in the evening she could not help herself and made another comment, dh snapped and said he would not have me disrespected especially in my own house, so asked her to leave, while they were packing we overheard fil say to mil that she had bought it on herself.

Wow! Well that's a turn up. Good on your DH though.

This must be a MN first!
Husband stands up for wife against nasty mother!!??

Give him a hug from me. What a man!!

Fantastic news. Thank you for the update. I hope she manages to be nicer. Thing is it's only your DH and your DFIL who will have any effect on her behaviour. I hope this is a turning point for her.

Well done husband, it sounds as though FIL needs to start being more assertive with his wife if he wants to see his children and grandchildren. He should be telling her at the time she is being nasty not sitting there letting her bitch on. It's never clear to me what these passive men get from remaining with women who isolate them from their offspring by their nastiness.

Hurrah for your husband. Man I feel sorry for your FIL though.

Fucking hell!

She really is an utter bitch. So glad DH did what he did.

Really hope she left quietly and without further fuss.

How are you both doing now?

I do hope your MIL sees the light, and I do hope your FL continues to be honest with her.

What is the point of it all? Why can't people like your MIL just go along to get along?

Anyway, you tried, and good for your DH for backing you up.

Wow OP! I feel almost tearful reading your update. You've been hosting her by choice twice a year for 10 years and if her behaviour has always been anything like the way you have just described I think you have been an utter saint.

Your DH was brilliant. And about time your FIL spoke up too.

Hope you're feeling OK

Thanks :)

I think that may be the last visit for a long time as when there has been family falls out, MIL never backs down first.

It is sad that it has come to this, as I had always tried to make a effort, but I guess you get to a point where you have to throw in the towel.

I am very lucky to have a supportive DH who supports me.

Hurrah! DH is a keeper

I love your husband.

Give him this from me