Am I being mean and making MIL freeze

[40somethingwonderful]

Lots of history with MIL who is difficult at best.

She is coming to stay for a week at the beginning of December and she already has been moaning to other relatives that her awful DIL will make her freeze, by this she means not whacking up the central heating to 21 degrees as she does in her own home.

My 2 dc's and myself so not feel the cold much and we usually only have the heating on for a few months when its really cold, dh feels it a bit more but quite happily wears a jumper in the winter months, myself and DD really struggles if it is too hot and when we visit MIL & FIL we can not stay too long as its too hot.

I do not want to make her feel unwelcome, but also can not stand it being too hot, so we usually set it for 18 degrees, (which is about the most I can stand) MIL will wear a thin top and a very thin cardigan and then complain she is freezing and asks for a blanket. We have bought her thick jumpers and thick cardigans for Christmas, but she does not bring them to wear.

Where MIL is concerned my views are very cloudy, she is not a frail old lady, she is early 60's and very active.

I have always been of the opinion you can add layers, so AIBU and am in fact ill treating my MIL.

I feel the cold terribly and have awful circulation (and I'm only 32!) Even if I have loads of layers on and am sitting in a sleeping bag my nose and ears are freezing. I hate cold houses and don't tend to go round to people who have cold houses in the winter for that reason!

Is it possible for you to just call her and discuss this? In a 'look, we really suffer in the warm, and you really suffer in the cold. How can we compromise so none of us are hugely uncomfortable?' way.

You can suggest getting a little oil heater for her room, but suggest she brings thick jumpers.

The thing is, neither of you are doing it deliberately, so you both need to work out how to manage.

For what it's worth, I've been wearing thermals since September and continue adding layers on layers, particularly in the office because I really do feel the cold. I used to just feel the cold, but I've been on antipsychotics for a couple of years, and one of the side effects is that they reduce my body temperature. So now I really feel the cold. My lips and fingers go blue when I get cold, and I feel dizzy and sick and very stiff.

I'm not doing it to piss anyone off. It's just what happens, even though I'm also not elderly or infirm. I am in the habit of layer on layer on layer for when the office is hot and people need the windows open. My thermostat at home is set at 21.

Yanbu. She is a visitor and so should accept your house rules. Remind her that you don't needlessly waste money on heating and therefore she should bring adequate clothing.

cattycat I find your reply shocking. What about making a guest feel welcome?

You know, when my mother and I used to have this when she came to stay it was at a time when our relationship was strained. Looking back, I can't even remember who wanted the house warmer and who wanted it cooler. I do realise that while we had different preferences, they should not have been such a big deal. It was partly about boundaries, because my mother behaved as though my house was actually her house. But mostly, the temperature battle was plainly proxy warfare to express our resentments at each other and yet also avoid having to confront them properly.

Could that be part of this (MIL not helping herself by ever bringing warm jumpers seems a fairly big clue)?

Anyway, I would remind her about jumpers, make sure there are throws etc for MIL to use, and concede that for 2 hours every evening (8-10?) you will put the heating up. The rest of the time, you will be keeping your house the way you all prefer it, just as she keeps her house the way she and FIL prefer it.

I love my friend's DCs and would happily offer to babysit for her more often if her house was warmer but it's freezing so I know an evening round there will be a bit of a miserable sacrifice rather than a barely noticeable event.

Blimey, wouldn't like to have to stay for a week at your place Cattycat.

Oh for god's sake just turn it up...

your opening sentence is rather telling "Lots of history with MIL who is difficult at best" - no wonder if you can't turn up the heating for her for one miserly week...

and 18 degrees isn't warm

call me rude if I've ever stayed anywhere for longer than a couple of days and it's really chilly, cold, especially where I sleep I ask for heating to be turned up please (and with a smile) and/or hot water bottle at night.

Most people oblige as they're not heartless... then again they're not my MIL!

I suppose it is wasteful to have the heating on when strictly speaking it needn't be but then what's the point of 'saving the planet' if we're freezing and miserable? All sorts of things are wasteful and unnecessary - travelling abroad, out of season fruit and veg. I only respect the wasting energy on heating argument if the proponents of it are genuinely committed to being green in all/most areas of their life in which case I'd respect their green principles.

You get used to different temperatures. My parents kept the house at a tropical 21-22 and so that's what I thought i "needed". When I moved in with DH, he is always hot so had to be persuaded to put the heating on and never put it much above 18. I gradually adjusted and now I find my parents' house stifling. Last night we had it on 19 and I was sitting on the sofa in a t shirt, I even suggested to DH that we turned it down and I put a jumper on to save money, as no one needs to sit around in a t shirt at the end of November.

Having said that, MIL's two week visit probably isn't enough time to adjust!

she's a visitor and should accept your house rules

And here's me trying to make sure our visitors are welcome, comfortable well catered for and stocking up on anything they prefer (FIL only has 'shredded wheat').

Do you treat all your visitors like that or just your MIL the ones you don't like?

From the OP:
whacking up the central heating to 21 degrees as she does in her own home
when we visit MIL & FIL we can not stay too long as its too hot

MIL does not change the temperature in her home when OP and family visit. So she can't really play the 'But I'm a guest' card when she visits the OP.

Which doesn't mean there cannot be a compromise-there must be a way of sorting this out.

YANBU. 18 degrees is pretty warm, IMO. It'd be different if she wore warm jumpers and then complained about the cold; then I'd worry that she was feeling the cold due to age/constitution/whatever. But wearing a thin top and cardigan in the winter is just silly.

I find this baffling, actually; do people really dress in thin light clothes in the winter and then complain about being cold? I don't think I know a single person who doesn't dress appropriately for the weather.

Ours is only ever on 15 . Well maybe 17 for an hour or two but then it has to go back down again because we are too hot.

We aren't trying to save money - we'd put it up if we needed to but we are obviously hot people!

My DPs and PILs always had cold houses though - neither had central heating, they just switched the electric heaters on when they needed to. No more than one room was warm at a time in either house.

YABU to make her feel unwelcome but it does annoy me when people don't dress properly for winter too.

Why don't you compromise and wear light clothes and buy a heated throw and electric blanket for her? At least it shows you are trying to make her comfortable.

People feel the heat diffrently, no way would I be happy at 18c.

21 here all the way!

That's freezing!

Yes she should wear a thick cardi, but you should be a bit considerate too.

Is there a roaring fire in the living room at least ? I would find sitting a living room heated to 18 degrees quite chilly for an evening even with a woolly jumper on.

Just give her the means to warm up her bed/room individually and perhaps whack the heating up a little first thing in the morning when she is getting bathed/dressed and again around 5pm before you light that roaring fire . Those are the times when most people feel the chill.

Sorry but assuming you have the means to make an elderly relative more comfortable when they visit, I think it would be rude not to do so. Older people often eat substantially less and don't "burn" it off the way a youner person would. I would call to remind her before she visits to bring some warm slippers and a cardi though.

Ultimately - its what you are used to. A short visit is not enough time to acclimatise anywhere warmer or colder so you should make some allowances. She'll be staying a lot longer if she becomes unwell.

Thank you for all your replies it is much appreciated.

I see a good mix of yabu & yanbu.

I tried really hard for the first 10 years I was with DH to make her feel welcome and not get hurt by the things you said or did, but there came a point when I said enough's enough. She is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met.

To the poster who said some people like to have a moan, I think your right there, one year she stayed and we arranged lots of days out (as we were in a new area, and she has said she wanted to see the sights) she then moaned to BIL & SIL that she was tired after going out and all she wanted to do was stay in, the following visit we hardly arranged anything but said to her please let us know if you want to go out and do anything, she moaned that all we did was stay around the house.

She once offered to buy us a takeaway as we got in last from an outing, this got back to family members that I could not be bothered to cook and if she did not buy the takeaway we would have all starved !!

I did buy her a heater for her room, but she said she "didn't trust" then !!!!

DH has 4 siblings and she only has contact with 2 of her children as the rest have cut her out there life as they think she is toxic.

I have been accused of trying to turn DH against her (when in fact if it wasn't for me DH would of followed along the same path as his sister's).

classic MN comedy of manners - MIL problem + lifestyle preferences + predictable replies on both sides of the argument.

Reminds me of threads about how far you should go to cater for food preferences - YANBU your home your rules/YABU it's rude not to make people feel welcome when they're in your home + the little twist that the guest is awkward in some other way.

chocoluvva

Yes, I agree

(But 18 degrees is pretty miserly for an older person who is not moving about much, as the Age UK guideline pointed out earlier states).

Oh no - classic x-posting. Sorry. She sounds a nightmare.

Still think 21 isn't unreasonable though. I really sympathise - I tried really hard with someone similar for approx. 20 years. Have now almost given up - I just do the minimum. I finally accepted she wasn't going to change and it was a pity but there was no point in continuing to try with her. I feel much better for it.

18 is pretty miserly for me and I'm middle-aged and move about an average amount.

Well given as she's going to moan either way suit yourselves.

There's only so much you can do for someone. I don't go in for the royal treatment crap others insist on but neither are guest left to fend for themselves. I try and keep a healthy medium. but have no time for people who would literally moan about having nothing to moan about.

I previously said split the difference and get a heater but seems after your last update nothings going to be good enough so don't worry about it.