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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being mean and making MIL freeze

227 replies

40somethingwonderful · 27/11/2014 08:00

Lots of history with MIL who is difficult at best.

She is coming to stay for a week at the beginning of December and she already has been moaning to other relatives that her awful DIL will make her freeze, by this she means not whacking up the central heating to 21 degrees as she does in her own home.

My 2 dc's and myself so not feel the cold much and we usually only have the heating on for a few months when its really cold, dh feels it a bit more but quite happily wears a jumper in the winter months, myself and DD really struggles if it is too hot and when we visit MIL & FIL we can not stay too long as its too hot.

I do not want to make her feel unwelcome, but also can not stand it being too hot, so we usually set it for 18 degrees, (which is about the most I can stand) MIL will wear a thin top and a very thin cardigan and then complain she is freezing and asks for a blanket. We have bought her thick jumpers and thick cardigans for Christmas, but she does not bring them to wear.

Where MIL is concerned my views are very cloudy, she is not a frail old lady, she is early 60's and very active.

I have always been of the opinion you can add layers, so AIBU and am in fact ill treating my MIL.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 28/11/2014 08:08

I think thermastats definitely vary, our house isn't that cold at 18. That said I do put it up to 20 if we are sitting down a lot.

I think she is being unreasonable only wearing light clothes if she gets cold. But 'your daughter struggles over 18' Confused . What happens to her in the summer? Put her in a summer dress and go for 21.

32 Shock the police helicopter heat sensor will be picking it up as a potential cannabis factory Grin

Original poster
40somethingwonderful · 28/11/2014 08:11

To the people who have posted this morning, I have said on the thread I would turn it up a little.

HelloitsmeFell, if it was up to my DH he would turn it off, he fails to see why I continue to make an effort with her and could quite happily cut her out of his life. He found out at 30 that the man he though was his dad was not his biological dad, fil will always be his dad, but he was upset this was kept from him, when he searched for his bio dad, he found he had died 3 years before, he is very bitter and will be civil to her, again because of FIL.

OP posts:
SeasonsEatings · 28/11/2014 08:31

18 isn't warm.raise it a bit whilst she is there.

OnlyLovers · 28/11/2014 10:20

oh I fancied a coffee this morning" tipped it down the sink and made herself a coffee.

Utter twat.

Also, Shock at her wanting you to take the children out of school to see her.

Your FIL does sound lovely but I'd think he was even lovelier if he had a quiet word with her.

All those saying the OP is mean or not a good host, please give it a rest. This woman obviously has problems with the OP that go beyond the temperature of her house.

musicalendorphins2 · 28/11/2014 10:24

Ah, ok, I understand, she wasn't really telling tales then, more commiserating. Good luck with the visit.

Anonnynonny · 28/11/2014 10:37

2 separate issues here

  1. 18 degrees would be horribly cold for me, but as you feel horribly hot with it higher, the best way to compromise is to buy her an extra heater for her room and extra warm clothes, which you have done - you can't do any more. (As I take it you're comfortable with a t-shirt at 18 degrees? If not, then perhaps you could wack it up a couple of degrees to a level where you're comfortable with the t-shirt?) But it sounds to me like you've really tried to accommodate her needs already.
  1. Awful MIL. Separate out genuine discomfort from usual excuse for whining.

I love it when people say "my house, my rules", it is a huge indicator that they're lousy hosts. Hospitable people say "make yourself at home".

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 28/11/2014 10:43

18 is boiling for me. I don't understand why cold people refuse to put a jumper on, I cant take anymore clothes off.
The fact she is moaning before the visit would make me turn it off altogether.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/11/2014 11:20

Onlylovers to be fair she only seemed to detail the problems with her MIL until just recently in the thread.

I still think it's rude not to have heating up for someone. Otherwise just say they can't come.

Artandco · 28/11/2014 11:25

Need - at 18 degrees I would be wearing thermals and a jumper at least. But would still be cold on hands/ face. For people who are cold it's not just ' put a jumper on'. Now it's 5 degrees or lower outside I'm dressed in 2 layers on bottom half, 5 on top, x2 pairs socks etc. My house is still kept at 21 with those layers on

InAllFairness · 28/11/2014 11:42

I would crank up the heating to 20 degrees whilst she's there and wear t shirts. Feel a bit sorry for your DH who is cold in his own home and pretends he's ok by putting on a jumper.
18 degrees would be way to cold for me and I don't like an overly warm house.

bigbluestars · 28/11/2014 11:48

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange- so you don't go abroad either?

Lomega · 28/11/2014 12:00

I for one love a warm house and I'm half your MILs age Grin

Its only for a week. Can you not put the heating on just a little while she stays? I know it's expensive (I pay about £4 a day for heating in the winter according to my calculator) but there's something so WORTH it about coming indoors from the chill outside to a toasty lounge.

My MIL can be a pita too though so I'm on the fence as to whether you're BU or not!

hellyhants · 28/11/2014 12:01

I have this with my own mum. We go to her house and it's like an oven. She lives in a semi-detached bungalow with storage heaters. She comes to mine and says it's like a fridge. To be fair it probably is. I do turn up the heating a bit, have it on for longer than usual and we also have a gas fire in the lounge so we can overheat that room and disappear for some fresh air if necessary. My mum complains about people who have gas CH and say "oh it'll come on in 10 minutes" (not just me, her friends too) and says "why would they want to be cold"? It is difficult when you have such different heat tolerances but it's not difficult to find a compromise, which we do.

As for those who talk about coping with the heat in the summer, well my house is under trees so it doesn't get really hot in the summer unless it's 35 degrees outside which is very rare in the UK. And I don't holiday in the tropics - we spend most of our holidays in places like Germany, Jersey and Scotland and if we go to Italy or the like we'll go in May half term - never in the summer.

Original poster
40somethingwonderful · 28/11/2014 12:22

I wouldn't worry to much about my DH InAllFairness, him saying its a big chilly I'm off to put a jumper on doesn't bother him in the slightest, he would be more bothered by seeing myself and DD hot.

It has been 12 years since I have been abroad, and that was for a wedding, I spent most of the time in the pool or the air conditioned room.

I do not know if anyone remembers just good friends from the 80's, FIL is just like Norman who says yes dear all the time.

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 28/11/2014 12:40

hellyhants- that's a shame that your heat problems cause your limitations. You are missing out on some of the most amazing places.

Riverland · 28/11/2014 12:49

Can somebody explain what's wrong with her wanting a coffee on morning 5?

Really?

Confused
OnlyLovers · 28/11/2014 12:53

Super, there are clear signs early on that the MIL was a right royal PITA with problems with her DIL; the very first post says that MIL 'will wear a thin top and a very thin cardigan and then complain she is freezing'.

I'll say again, if people had thick clothes on/blankets/whatever and were still cold I think it'd be a bit U to refuse to turn up the heating; but if someone comes round totally underdressed for the weather, despite knowing what the house is like, they have only themselves to blame.

SanityClause · 28/11/2014 13:09

Well given as she's going to moan either way suit yourselves.

This!

This is not a normal guest situation; the MIL wants to be dissatisfied. Make it easy for her.

Blueteas · 28/11/2014 13:24

I think that (besides all the other issues here) people do have massively different expectations of what constitutes 'normal clothing' indoors in winter.

I once moved into a lovely house share in Ireland that was heated only by a turf fire and a couple of storage heaters, when the previous lodger, an Australian, felt that it was unreasonable to expect anyone to live in a house where you couldn't comfortably go around barefoot and in a tee shirt in December. (And left after a week.) It wasn't a warm house by any means, but it was perfectly pleasant for someone like me who is happy to wear jumpers and woollen socks indoors.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/11/2014 13:34

Only - I don't see that as clear signs re heating by OP's MIL - some people heat up, down, more than others... also if you're not in your own home with the relevant heating then you would be cold. also remember this is an elderly woman we're talking about and yes you tend to feel the cold more when older. and OK she's not frail and is active.

and it's about 8 pages in that OP has said quite reasonably that her DH doesn't like his DM due to various reasons. I'm not disputing that at all. I'm just saying that OP doesn't like her MIL and the heating is one more thing.

which is why I said either turn up the heating for the time she stays or request she doesn't come. You can make someone wear layers etc but it'd only be another criticism of OP by MIL if OP deliberately refused to turn the heating up - which is mean in my opinion.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/11/2014 13:39

Riverland - I think it was the manner in which MIL tipped the coffee down the sink after having tea 4 days in a row...

But the MIL could quite easily and fairly argue on that point that she did want a coffee then and not a tea which OP had made for her! Easiest thing for OP do would be to ask her what she want and not assume. But then you're dancing to MIL's tune... Grin

I also see it sometimes as if MIL maybe wants to make a point and especially in the beverages incident... maybe she thought her DIL was making an assumption...

I can totally see both sides here I know difficult DILs and MILs

SuperFlyHigh · 28/11/2014 13:40

can see how difficult it can be! that should have been. and breathe...

Marylou2 · 28/11/2014 13:41

Ooh I'd open a couple of windows too if I were you! I'm visiting my MIL for 6 hours tomorrow, it's our Christmas visit.The idea of MIL staying over the holidays would fill me with horror.

OnlyLovers · 28/11/2014 13:42

I'm afraid I can't see her persistently wearing thin clothes and complaining as anything other than a clear sign that she is behaving awkwardly Confused.

She is NOT elderly! My mother is older than her and would object vociferously to being called that.

I don't think having the heating as the OP wants it in her house is mean. I would if the house were freezing and draughty and you could see your breath etc, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Hosting and guesting is a two-way thing. Hosts should try to make their guests comfortable, but guests should be willing to make reasonable accommodation too. I'd consider wearing one more or a thicker layer than usual to be reasonable; if I'm staying with someone whose house I know to
be colder or warmer than I like then I dress appropriately. It's not hard.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/11/2014 13:49

Only - it's winter - admittedly it's not snowing yet but some houses are bloody freezing my Victorian conversion for one but got carpets etc.

as OP has said she'll turn heating up a fraction then that's that sorted. I just can't see why I wouldn't do that unless I disliked the relative (as OP seems to do) especially if they come to stay. In fact anyone i have to stay in my flat always I make sure they're warm, I'd be mortified if they weren't. I keep a supply of blankets and hot water bottles for people and hot chocolate etc... I suppose I see that people have different heat levels and what they wear etc, one friend of mine has Reynauds where you get very cold.

Having said that, if I was out all day (at work) and heating was off I'd set limits and times if guests stayed when I was at work (they have done) as to heating being on during the day but most guests who do that go out for the day anyway. Christmas period I get the week off work and if not home am out so I have heating on and off as it suits me and guests slot in...