Am I being mean and making MIL freeze

[40somethingwonderful]

Lots of history with MIL who is difficult at best.

She is coming to stay for a week at the beginning of December and she already has been moaning to other relatives that her awful DIL will make her freeze, by this she means not whacking up the central heating to 21 degrees as she does in her own home.

My 2 dc's and myself so not feel the cold much and we usually only have the heating on for a few months when its really cold, dh feels it a bit more but quite happily wears a jumper in the winter months, myself and DD really struggles if it is too hot and when we visit MIL & FIL we can not stay too long as its too hot.

I do not want to make her feel unwelcome, but also can not stand it being too hot, so we usually set it for 18 degrees, (which is about the most I can stand) MIL will wear a thin top and a very thin cardigan and then complain she is freezing and asks for a blanket. We have bought her thick jumpers and thick cardigans for Christmas, but she does not bring them to wear.

Where MIL is concerned my views are very cloudy, she is not a frail old lady, she is early 60's and very active.

I have always been of the opinion you can add layers, so AIBU and am in fact ill treating my MIL.

I agree with you. My PIL also freeze here and blankets and hot water bottles are their friend!
At their house we walk round in short sleeve t-shirts in the winter.
Personally I'd say carry on as you are. (We do!)

18 degrees sounds very very chilly to me and being cold is just so miserable. It sounds very unwelcoming me and I personally would be dreading visiting you because I know I would be cold and miserable

it is far worse to be cold, not hot! i wouldnt choose to stay somewhere where i felt cold all the time. layers dont make much difference to me if the room temp is overall low (obv not swanning round in tshirt and shorts though ). cold air also sets off my asthma. i feel sorry for your mil if she is like me with the cold

OP do you have air conditioning? If not how do you manage in summer? Surely your house must be over 18 degrees for alot of the year and you manage? I don't like being in a very hot house but 18 is low for most people.

I prefer to be too cold than too warm. Being too hot makes me feel sick, sweaty and headachey she sounds immature from your last update.

But surely making your house colder than you know she likes it makes you just as passive aggressive as her?

She once offered to buy us a takeaway as we got in last from an outing, this got back to family members that I could not be bothered to cook and if she did not buy the takeaway we would have all starved !!

Devious lying twunt. I'm even more on your side now, OP.

But surely making your house colder than you know she likes it makes you just as passive aggressive as her?

^^This.

Isn't it more accurate to say that they make their house as warm as they, who live there, like it?

And the OP has said the MIL persists in wearing thin light clothes and then complaining about being cold. What does she expect?

She sounds awful, OP.

We can't afford to have our heating on higher than 18 for a couple of hours a day, so if she was visiting us, she'd be stuck feeling cold. We just can't afford to have it on any higher.

Presuming this isn't the case, I still think you shouldn't have to make half your family feel miserable/hot/ill for the sake of someone who hasn't bothered to help herself first. She needs to wrap up a bit, and use blankets and hot water bottles.

People who sit around in t-shirts in December and complain about being cold drive me nuts. It's WINTER, dress appropriately!

I think it's got sweet fa to do with the temperature and even if you had it at 21 you'd be wrong. She'd have to find something to complain about. I would be tempted to make it a game and have it at perfect temperature and play guess the issue

Turning the temp down to spite her would be passive aggressive, keeping it at what is comfortable to me and DD is not.

I suffer really badly in the summer, I have an air con unit in the bedroom so i can sleep, I too feel sick and get headaches. DD is the same, we are both sat here now in short sleeved tops and feel comfortable.

I know I will never win and stopped trying years ago, its lots of little things that add up, 4 mornings she woke up and make herself a tea, the 5th morning I was making myself a brew and made her one, her replied "oh I fancied a coffee this morning" tipped it down the sink and made herself a coffee.

I'm a 'chilly bean', DH is a 'hot potato'. It's easier to keep the house on the cool side because I can always bundle up, but he can only strip off so far! I have warm sweatpants, flannel shirts, sox, & warm slippers to wear and a big snuggy on my chair to cuddle up in. He usually is wearing a tshirt and either light trousers or shorts.

If a compromise temp won't pacify her, I'd be sure to put some snuggly cardies & warm sox on the bed for her arrival in case she 'forgets' hers and have multiple throws on various pieces of furniture. That way if she complains she's cold there will be a throw right within reach.

My mums house is freezing, I keep slippers and a shawl there for when I visit!

If your heating is on to 18, is it actually 18 in every room your MIL will go in, or does that mean that right next to the thermostat it is 18 and in further off rooms it drops down further?

From the Age UK winter warmers advice pack this year (which I got free when having a flu jab for being pregnant, bizarrely):
"Keep your main living room around 70°F/21°C, and the rest of the house should be heated to at least 64°F/18°C. We have included a thermometer in the middle of this guide for you to pull out and keep. You can use it in your living room (ideal temperature 70°F/21°C) and in your bedroom (ideal temperature 64°F/18°C) to keep you warm in winter. If you feel cold, turn the heat up regardless of what the thermometer reads"

We have our thermostat set at 18 degrees, as that was the recommended temp when DD was a little baby. I'm sat on the sofa wearing woollen tights, trousers a jumper and a blanket over my legs and I'm still cold. So adding layers doesn't really work if you feel the cold.

We have our house at 21 degrees but when MIL stays we do put radiator in her room at whatever temp she wants. We also have a heated blanket on her bed. We also do tend to heat the drawing room a bit hotter than normal and just wear lighter clothes ourselves.

Old people do feel the cold more than young people but that said she does need to wear more clothes as well so you can all live together. Sounds like the temperature thing is just a proxy battle for other issues between you.

Could your DH/DP not negotiate with her and suggest she packs warmer clothes and you will put more heat into her bedroom.

Atticuslaw you've given me an idea for DM for Xmas. Thank you!

Op yabu. Turn it up a bit for your mil and stop being mean!

No problem bensam, there are four under our tree for various parents and grandparents too!!

I am astounded by the number of people who think 18 degrees is cold?

yabu, older people get the more they feel the cold ime. 18 deg is pretty cool, esp in winter.
on a serious note have you both been check for throid probs?

Treadsoftlyonmydreams

Sorry but assuming you have the means to make an elderly relative more comfortable when they visit, I think it would be rude not to do so. Older people often eat substantially less and don't "burn" it off the way a youner person would. I would call to remind her before she visits to bring some warm slippers and a cardi though

FFS she's 60! She's similar age to me! I don;t consider myself elderly, immobile, and I eat lots!

She is not old! Pah!

We have pictures from years ago of us all in t-shirts around the christmas tree, with grandad and grandma wrapped up in jumpers and I think grandad even has a hat on! The thermostat was set to about 28 if I remember.

If she is a toxic nightmare then I can understand you feeling petty about it OP, but I think that if you are going to be a host then you should be a good one and then you have a clear conscience. If she decides to be a PITA then that is up to her.