Am I being mean and making MIL freeze

[40somethingwonderful]

Lots of history with MIL who is difficult at best.

She is coming to stay for a week at the beginning of December and she already has been moaning to other relatives that her awful DIL will make her freeze, by this she means not whacking up the central heating to 21 degrees as she does in her own home.

My 2 dc's and myself so not feel the cold much and we usually only have the heating on for a few months when its really cold, dh feels it a bit more but quite happily wears a jumper in the winter months, myself and DD really struggles if it is too hot and when we visit MIL & FIL we can not stay too long as its too hot.

I do not want to make her feel unwelcome, but also can not stand it being too hot, so we usually set it for 18 degrees, (which is about the most I can stand) MIL will wear a thin top and a very thin cardigan and then complain she is freezing and asks for a blanket. We have bought her thick jumpers and thick cardigans for Christmas, but she does not bring them to wear.

Where MIL is concerned my views are very cloudy, she is not a frail old lady, she is early 60's and very active.

I have always been of the opinion you can add layers, so AIBU and am in fact ill treating my MIL.

Our house temperature is 18

I always notch it up to 20 if we have guests over.

My gas bills were a bit lower as a result. The kids don't feel it and I just wear a dressing gown and fake Uggs over normal clothes. I really do need to watch spending. Lots of people really can't afford to turn the heating up regularly.

I agree wtffgs. God knows how people afford to have their heating on 24/7 set at 25 or whatever. Apart from feeling suffocated with that heat, we couldn't afford it.

Just tell to her sod off. It sounds like a miserable way for you to spend a week and for her too.

Just be honest. 'You know what mil, you're not going to be happy here for the week because of the temperature issue, so don't come. If you really want to come, you're welcome to, but bring warm clothes and don't moan about the temperature.'

I wouldn't be warm at that temp regardless of what I was wearing. I just don't generate enough heat myself so even if I was wearing a duvet I'd have a cold nose and would have that miserable can't warm up feeling. Only saying that so you know there is a limit to what extra layers can do. I won't stay in cold houses as it's too miserable for me - maybe that's your goal with mil??

PILs house is cold and I have to wear thermals when we stay there. Fine. But when they come to us I frequently catch FIL turning MY thermostat down! My view is you can't have it both ways! Either accommodate each other or both suck it up!

Like Roussette said the MIL is far from elderly she's still some way off retirement age FGS.

You're never going to stop her whinging OP so suit yourself. No doubt if you turned it up you'd get accused of implying that she was elderly and had to have the heating on full blast.

atticusclaw me too! Just ordered one for my mum. Bloody perfect!

Ugh, I hate hate being cold. I wouldn't visit a house without heating or with a set temp of 18 degrees.

I've found as I've got older I feel the cold more, and I'm nowhere near 60.
I hate wearing layers, it seems to just trap the cold air in, AND no matter how careful I am the cold sneaks in through tiny gaps like ankles and wrists

YANBU - I take it you're not holding a gun to her head and making her visit you, so she can STFU bitching behind your back. If I were you, I'd say "So what's this I hear about naughty me making poor old you freeze to death?" but then I'm mean when it comes to bitchy back-stabbers. I'm sure it's not beyond her capabilities to layer up and bring some hand warmers.

Just wanted to reiterate what Quadrangle said - extra layers don't always do much, if you're a really cold person. I would really struggle with staying in a house set at 18 degrees, just unpleasantly cold for me.

I also don't get why this is somehow a moral issue for people - lots of posters seem to think that being naturally warm makes them somehow better people and the less they have the heating on the better they are. You know what? I probably don't have to have the heating on, maybe if I wore two layers of thermals and then three layers on top and had a hot water bottle and a duvet, I would be fine. But I don't want to - I want to be comfortable in my house and keeping it at 21-23 degrees does not make me a bad person.

We have massive ideal temp deviations amongst our family (FIL sauna temp and still wears a jumper, DM always hot and bothered and often found standing at back door trying to cool down, DB and SIL cool house, no carpets or double glazing, DH and I have ongoing thermostat wars "who turned this up/down??" "I never touch the thermostat!" "Put a bloody jumper on" etc etc. )
We regard it as a bit of a standing joke and run around saying "don't forget your slippers!" To the kids when going to visit DB, and making sure we have t shirts on at grandads.
You often get cold as a guest because you are not 'pottering' as you would at home, and it is nice to be warm and comfortable when you are not in your own zone. So I would make sure you have electric blanket for MIL bed, cosy throws available in the room where she is likely to be sitting and get her involved with helping in the kitchen (usually the warmest room) if you can do that with this person without being labelled a slave driver....
Best of luck!

I'm astonished at how cold people get - medical issues excepted. I don't even have central heating and I'm still sleeping on top of the summer duvet.

And what's with the references to "older person" and "elderly relative"? She's early 60s, not geriatric.

I feel the cold terribly because I have poor circulation and low blood pressure. I wouldn't call it a medical condition but I know the effect it has and I take precautions to avoid becoming cold. I overheat easily as well and am very rarely at a comfortable temperature. Cold feels physically painful to me and it makes me utterly miserable. I don't expect others to understand that but it does upset me when people think I'm just being a wuss or whatever. PILS won't put their heating on regardless.

IHeartKingThistle that's horrible of your PILs.

Perhaps I should havesaid "health conditions" rather than "medical issues".

Your MIL sounds just plain difficult and worse, thrives on it!

That said, don't underestimate how much more you can feel the cold as you get older. I'm 60, don't look it, don't act it and have a fit and active life that involves lots of exercise.

However, I also have progressively worsening osteo-arthritis thanks to the menopause and now find that the cold gets to me in a way I'd never imagined possible. I always used to just put on another layer or two and forget about the cold but actually, that's not enough nowadays. In a cold ambience I'm literally chilled to the bone and my joints become more inflamed and simply stop working.

So what I'd suggest is a compromise. Put the heating up to 20 degrees and then control it by turning down individual radiators. Admittedly, your MIL could do a deal more to help herself by using any heaters you've provided and by wearing rather more sensible clothes but actually the cold affects older people quite differently. And "older" doesn't have to mean ancient or immobile.

I also am late 50's and have arthritis throughout my body. The cold makes my muscles tightened and tense, and they even spasm at times. Yet, I cannot stand a hot room. I get overwhelmed and sick. So I am turning the electric fire on and off in the living-room by my chair, putting my sweater (cardigan) on and off, and keep the thermostat not too hot not too low. About 70, unless there is a cold wind outside, then we turn it up to 72-73-ish.

I think if you keep her bed warm with electric blanket, buy a warm throw or an electric heated throw, & you already bought a space heater.

Also, whoever is telling tales about what she said about the cold house should stop stirring things up. Tell them you do not want to hear negativity. No reason, if they were not reporting to you, you would have been a lot happier, as knowing didn't help at all
Your MIL sounds like she complains a lot, some people are like that, if she hated being cold that much she would not even visit during winter.

I'm with SurfsUp1 - I live in Southern California and I get cold easily so on the rare moments it gets down to below 18 degrees I ramp up the heating. Some people really do get colder than others, I'm one of them. I'm short and small without much body fat so I can be freezing while others are quite comfortable. I've also had that cold hands and feet "poor circulation" thing since I was a child. I do sympathise though, I lived in a East Asia for some years and became perfectly acclimatized to hot humid 40 degree weather. Now I live in hot Californian summers and I've had guests beg me to turn on the AC to my embarrassment because I didn't notice the heat :)

Plans have changed and MIL & FIL are coming on Sunday night now (but need to leave Sat am), managed to upset her already by saying I am unable to take the kids out of school during their stay, so they can spend some quality time with them. I explained school's do not allow children time off unless it is exceptional circumstances, apparently if spending quality time with grandparents is not exceptional circumstances then she does not know what is. I politely declined her suggestions of getting them to tell the school they are sick.

I think we all tolerate her because FIL is so wonderful, he just does not have a backbone and stand up to her, I get lots of smiles and eyes rolling when he is making her comments from him, and often he has told me to ignore her she lives in her own little world most of the time.

The person telling me what is said is my dear SIL who like me made the mistake of falling in love and marrying one her boys, I think laughing about it over a coffee keeps us sane, as MIL often moans the same about SIL.

I always have plenty of blankets and will turn the temp up a little.

May need to start a thread in relationships during her visit to help keep me sane as this is the first time I have managed to upset her before the visit lol.

I know thermostats should keep the temperature constant, but I have never found 18 degrees to be anywhere near warm enough in the thick of winter, whereas when the heating first goes on in October it is usually sufficient.

I don't think 21 degrees is unreasonable at all, that is around what mine would be on, and I hate overly hot houses. YABU to know that a guest is going to be feeling uncomfortable and not be prepared to do anything about it - it is rather hostile and ungracious tbh.

And putting on a thicker cardigan does not help if your fingers and your feet are bloody freezing.

Surely you can compromise and turn it up a little, just for a few days? It's not like she lives with you, is it? If I were your husband I would just ignore/overrule you and make sure my mother was not having a really crap time.

OP you are being mean.
21 degrees too hot for you? How do you cope in summer? I take it you never go abroad.

Part of having guests is making them feel comfortable and if that means putting up the heating for a week then that's what reasonable people do.

YABU. I lived in SE ASIA- daytime temperatures rarely dropped below 36 degrees and we had no air con.

I wouldn't be happy if I was your OH.

Lots of history with MIL who is difficult at best.

And this is the crux of the issue, really, isn't it? You don't like her and find her difficult so you are not prepared to put yourself out to make her more welcome and comfortable, which hands her the chance to complain about you and 'be difficult' on plate, because she will see you as being difficult. and she might have a point. And so you go on, in your vicious cycle of each trying to be difficult in your own passive aggressive ways.

You could solve this one easily, by having your house a little bit warmer for a few days. But you won't.

she's a visitor and should accept your house rules

Er…well yes, in theory I suppose so.

But people who doggedly think like that don't tend to have many friends or many visitors anyway.

Well... when people stay I never turn the heating up and I've never had complaints and my thermostat is on 17! (maybe it's faulty or maybe it's because of it's position in a large airy hall? This would mean that the large hall, with one small radiator, is being brough up to temperature so the rest of the house gets v hot)

The radiators - when it is cold outside - are too hot to touch, no one has ever said they are too cold and the thermostat has never been turned higher than 19! I do think it depends on the type of house - a draughty victorian house is going to get far chillier than a modern house with 8inches of insulation in the roof. No way could I turn my thermostat up past 18 as a matter of course - I would pass out! (and I love hot temps abroad - but that is totally different to an airless stuffy room)

My heating is set at 21 when we're all sitting down, anything less is too cold.

I already feel the cold more than I used to - and I'm a fit, active 50-something. Someone told me recently I'm always cold because I'm slim.

Whether or not your MIL is slim, yabu - she's your guest and 18C is way too cold - I think she's right. You sound like a mean DIL I'm afraid.