Am I being mean and making MIL freeze

[40somethingwonderful]

Lots of history with MIL who is difficult at best.

She is coming to stay for a week at the beginning of December and she already has been moaning to other relatives that her awful DIL will make her freeze, by this she means not whacking up the central heating to 21 degrees as she does in her own home.

My 2 dc's and myself so not feel the cold much and we usually only have the heating on for a few months when its really cold, dh feels it a bit more but quite happily wears a jumper in the winter months, myself and DD really struggles if it is too hot and when we visit MIL & FIL we can not stay too long as its too hot.

I do not want to make her feel unwelcome, but also can not stand it being too hot, so we usually set it for 18 degrees, (which is about the most I can stand) MIL will wear a thin top and a very thin cardigan and then complain she is freezing and asks for a blanket. We have bought her thick jumpers and thick cardigans for Christmas, but she does not bring them to wear.

Where MIL is concerned my views are very cloudy, she is not a frail old lady, she is early 60's and very active.

I have always been of the opinion you can add layers, so AIBU and am in fact ill treating my MIL.

yabu, turn the heating up. 21 degrees is not excessively hot, just a normal room temperature!

yanbu
18 degrees is a good compromise imo
she's silly not to dress appropriately, it's winter ffs.

but do offer her a warmer cardi to wear and hot water bottles/electric blankets for bed.

YANBU.

dp wacks the heating in every morning and 30 mins later I go round opening windows as I'm about to pass out. I hate being to hot, it makes me feel grubby.

Tell her to layer up.

It depends on draughtiness too. I work in operating theatres which are generally set at around 21C. This would be fine in my draught free house, but because of the ventilation system which directs the air flow, we are always absolutely freezing and have to go around wearing thermals.

I do think that what Fraidy says is correct - thermostats vary enormously. After all, mine is on 16 and my house is warm (when we have the central heating on!)

I just don't get heating a house at night (and by at night, I mean after bedtime). Why? You're asleep after all so why do it? I hate hate hate being cold at night, we both have electric blankets, we have a fantastic goosedown quilt and a throw or two over, and I wear a warm nightdress or pj's. I just need to breathe cold-ish air to sleep. If ever I've accidentally left the heating on at night, I feel ill the next day with a massive headache and all blocked up nasally.

Turn the thermostat up. You can always switch off / turn down radiators in rooms she doesn't use.

Central heating is very bad for you. My kids rarely get colds or viruses and are quite fit and healthy.

Central heating is not bad for you at all. That is completely untrue. Why do you think the elderly receive a heating allowance every winter? Your children have been very lucky. Their good health is not caused by your not using central heating.

Op, turn the heating up a bit. Hosting guests usually involves a bit of inconvenience. Having a slightly warmer house for a few days seems like a reasonable amount of inconvenience to make a guest feel welcome and comfortable.

Its only for a week.

I understand she annoys you but since she is going to be your guest its better to be gracious about it It sounds a bit passive-aggressive to already be deciding that the heating can't be turned up. Older people feel the cold more. Personally 18 degrees would be a bit too cold for me, and what happens if the temperature drops further are you still going to insist on 18 degrees?

This is your husband's mother and your childrens' grandmother so Im sure you can make allowances..have a dressing gown and slippers to hand if she moans then tell her she has the option to put them on, and then just close your ears to her. You probably wouldn't like anyone to treat your mother like this if she was a guest in someone's home so keep the peace for a week and just breath a sigh of relief when she's gone

I would turn it up tbh

Our house is kept at 21 degrees min, in that temp I still have ski thermal top on/ woolen jumpers and use blankets on the sofa. We all have winter duvets and blankets on bed and heating is kept on at night .

For us 23 is ideal and what we have when home all day at weekends/ holidays

We have family that have no heating or low heating, we no longer stay overnight or more than a few hrs max as all feel miserable. So I suppose if you don't want to see mil often that could be a way!

Does she have any problems with pain/mobility etc?

That can make a massive difference, if I am even a bit cold I find my pain so much worse, if I'm really cold it is agony for me and I'm miserable. My mum keeps her house very cool and has no central heating but she always whacks the heaters on high for me when I'm there even if she is too hot

It doesn't always have to be a major health problem that causes discomfort in the cold, dodgy joints, mild arthritis anything like that can be made so much worse if you're cold all day

OP send MIL to Singapore. The coldest it gets here is 24 degrees.

PIL's house would be cold but they always turn the heating up and put electric blankets on the beds for us. We wear fleeces and thick socks and are perfectly comfortable.

Agree on the thermostat thing. Depends where your thermostat is what temperature the house generally actually gets to. Do you have a thermometer because personally 18 would be freezing Tits off round here..

Also thermostat needs to be in a room where the radiator does not have a thermostat of its own - or it won't work properly.

If you have radiators with thermostats can't you up the general thermostat and let her have her radiator on a high setting and keep the rest on a low setting?

I think mil is being selfish by not helping herself. she is expecting to do nothing and complain, but has no regard for the comfort of others, (op is already putting the heating up more than usual) or the cost to op in heating the house extra, nor the cost to the environment. it is very selfish to not even try to put layers on and to hell with the consequences of increased CO2 levels and global warming.

I know it is only a bit of extra for a week, but if everyone took that view then we would be more up shit creek with no paddle.

for goodness sake it is not difficult to put on an extra layer or two, with socks and slippers.

Age UK's website says that 21 degrees is the right temperature for your living room, and 18 for your bedroom. My Dad was having problems knowing if he was keeping the temperature right for my mum who can't communicate and Age UK gave him a free thermometer card thing that has descriptors on it telling you the effect on an older person of being the wrong temperature. It's a bit passive aggressive but you could see if you could get one of those and put it somewhere prominent. Keep the whole house at 18 degrees but do heat the living area hotter or you are being mean.

FWIW we were happy with the layers approach, it does work for all but the coldest days but whenever we went to shops, doctors, school, work, some people's houses, we all felt like we would die of overheating and feel sick and it's tricky to strip off your thermal vest in the middle of the co-op when you know it's that which is making you hot! Makes me angry at people destroying the planet/wasting resources for the sake of a vest.

YABU. Turn the heating up, it's only for a week.

Extra layers don't always cut it. My PILs house is freezing and no matter how many layers I have on my hands and (especially) nose gets cold, it's miserable. As someone else said, the cold gets in your bones and it's difficult to shift (though a hot bath works wonders). If you genuinely want her to be comfortable, then 18 degrees is not enough.

We have our thermostat set at 18, we live in a Tudor house and its not cold. In fact the govt recently reviewed the temp which is thought of as ideal in a house for an elderly person, to 18 degree.

21 is flipping uncomfortable and unnecessary.

I'd get one of those oil filled rads for her bedroom, so she's comfortable at night, then remind her to bring woollies and slippers etc.

Keep the house at a temperature that the majority needs is the most reasonable thing to do. If more people are cold than hot, turn it up. If more people are too hot than cold turn it down. Why should more people suffer just to benefit one fit healthy person who won't wrap up/strip down depending on the temperature

I think our thermostat is dodgy as fuck. It's constantly about 14-15 degrees if the heating isn't on but it doesn't feel quite that cold except first thing in the morning when it really is like an iceberg... When I put the heating on, which I do about three different times during the day for 40 mins-an hour at a time, I turn it up to 21. I turn it off at least an hour before we go to bed because I can't sleep in a warm bedroom at all and I'd actually die if it was on over night and wake up with a banging headache. I get a headache in general if it's on for too long, all gets too much... Hate being hot more than I hate being cold. Sweating makes me feel so dirty. I was hot constantly when I was fat to a point where I didn't even really need a coat in the middle of winter because my body fat was my coat . Now I'm slim again I get cold a lot quicker...

Anyway I'm off on a heating related tangent . I think yanbu, your house your rules. Her choice to wear next to nothing, she has no room to complain. She needs to wear the thick cardigans you so kindly invested in for her and stfu IMO.

YANBU. It's sensible to wear a thicker cardi, but it would be being a good host to provide an oil filled radiator for her bedroom. It's only too cold if, even wrapped up, your hands are too cold, in which case it would be reasonable to put the thermostat up a degree or so.

All those posters saying you're a bad host because you should make your guests comfortable seem to be overlooking that under that criteria your MIL is also a bad host as she does nothing to make you comfortable.

The most reasonable compromise would be that for her visits to you you split the difference and have your thermostat a bit higher for a week, and that during your visits to her she splits the difference and has her thermostat slightly lower for a week (or however long you stay for).

Yanbu. If you're cold with a jumper and fluffy socks and a duvet, ONLY then you get to turn the thermostat up.

People are so wasteful, resources are dwindling and money doesn't grow on trees!

I can't stand an overheated house.

I don't like to be too hot either. I think she could help herself by wearing thicker cardigans and jumpers. Mums house is freezing and we just pile on layers when we visit.

get her an eletric heater for her room

My SIL came to visit with DC a few years ago. We have a big Victorian draughty house. It was very cold out and of course we had the heating on...but she asked for it to be on nearly max 24/7!
We were nearly passing out with the heat. Still, she was a guest so we did as she asked.
I realise now that she likes to be nearly cooked alive with regards to her heating.
We were in her house in London. In July. In a heatwave.
And she had the underfloor heating on!!
We couldn't believe it. It was like stepping into a launderette or restaurant kitchen...absolutely boiling.
We didn't say anything though, just put the kids in the garden and left the door open.
My SIL is lovely though, just have differing opinions on heat levels.

That electric throw someone posted up earlier is good idea.

YABU. I cannot stand staying in a house where I'm permanently cold and one of my main concerns when I have friends over is to make sure the place is warm enough. I don't think 18 degrees is really high enough in a typical December.