To sincerely hope motherhood is not the best thing I will ever do?

[purplebiro]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, recently announced on FB and an old school friend commented "congrats - it's the best thing you'll ever do". AIBU to really want to reply "I sincerely fucking hope not"?

I know she was trying to be nice and I am delighted about the pregnancy but I am also highly intelligent, ambitious and hard working - if the best thing I'm ever going to do is with my womb, I might as well give up now. AND I doubt anyone would ever say that to a man.

I think it's ok to think having kids isn't the best thing you'll ever do. It's amazing and will probably be the longest commitment you'll ever make. But if you have achieved other great things it's ok to see them as equal or greater to raising children.

In the case of the OP though I think it's one of those twee and schmaltzy things people spout.

It reminds me of a Katy Brand sketch where a woman is at a couples house who've just had a baby And they say "let's raise a toast to baby Ella" and the friend asks "why, what has she done?"

I don't think she meant the giving birth bit (though that may feel like the hardest thing you've done at the time! - hopefully not) but the best thing because from then onwards any achievement is a truly shared one. If i do well in my career or create something my children benefit and this feels like the best thing i have achieved.
good luck in your pregnancy and try not to be too sensitive! This is a nice comment -wait till you get the ones about looking huge!! :)

Can you give me some examples of what might compare to having children?

You have absolutely no idea what its like. Think of the best thing you have ever experienced, then triple the pleasure and there you have parenthood.

I think all mothers would agree that the womb part is only about 10% of the job.

I suppose curing cancer or saving countless lives through charity work, or saving an endangered species might be examples. Other than that, I just can't think of anything!

Too much I mean for the average person its a pretty easy thing to contribute to the world.

The only thing that matters in this life is if we make a difference.

I don't we parenthood as anacheivement, its just part of living in a society.

I'd totally say it to a man. I'm sure I have many times.

It IS the best thing you'll ever do.

You'll change your mind.

I say that as a highly intelligent, ambitious and hard working person.

you're mad to think it's not the best thing you'll do. i have a masters degree in education and have worked my way up the career ladder. i thought it was the best thing id ever do.

then i pushed out my baby without any pain relief (first thing to beat it), then breast fed (another thing to beat my masters!!) and watched my darling daughters grow into such wonderfully intelligent children. dd1 learning how to write her name made my graduation look like an everyday walk to the park.

i think in a years time you'll look back and giggle at your OP.

I don't see parenthood as an achievement either, it's still the best thing I've ever done.

Oh absolutely they are the best and hardest.
I have two first class honours degrees, a distinction in a postgrad, will do a PhD in time, have been responsible for a 'first' in my field, have actually won awards, published something very young that was influential, have lots of interests in lots of different areas, have travelled the world, have many good friends...

There is not one experience in the entire universe I would trade for one minute - even the worst minutes, and I have had some bloody awful ones - of having been a mother to my three boys. It's beyond words really. A previous poster summed it up nicely by saying few would die or kill for a job, but many would for their child.

It's a shame that not everyone views having their children as the best thing they've done in their lives.

There would probably be a lot more happy children around if that were the case

And I would ABSOLUTELY say it to a man, and my husband would say it to a man, and had it said to him.

harrow that's the interpretation I put on the phrase- it may be the most interesting/best thing for you to do personally in your own life.

It is not a major achievement though in the sense of getting a Nobel prize, however, which could affect thousands or millions of lives even. It is a matter of luck not skill if you get pregnant and after than many people don't appear to make that great a job of parenting anyway but their children turn out ok, or worse, invest everything into it and their children still just turn out ok or even not ok.

It is an amazing personal achievement in terms of self-development to have a child and parent them. However, you are not necessarily bestowing an amazing achievement on humanity by doing so, and there are plenty of ways to contribute to the world which don't involve having a child.

Think of the best thing you have ever experienced, then triple the pleasure and there you have parenthood

Pelican I agree with that. But it's not all one way. My children have given me the highest highs of my life, but also the lowest lows. They've made me live actually, and experience everything out of my comfort zone. It's an exhilarating ride.

Mintyy - having children is a biological process. Egg meets sperm, baby is conceived. Being pregnant and giving birth is nothing to be proud of (or all infertile people would be inferior).

Raising children well is another matter but, as has often been debated in relation to mass murderers etc, sometimes parents can do their absolute best and still get a bad outcome (and vice versa). Can we judge parents on how their children turn out?

Most people can have children. Lots of people do things with their days which not everybody can do (not necessarily curing cancer, but, say, having the compassion to look after the elderly well). These things arguably have a greater worth than simply producing a child (which, as I've said, is simply a biological process).

If you feel that you are most proud of having raised your children over and above anything else, good for you. However that is not always the case, and nor should it be. Some people have more pride for things for which they have worked and striven for a long time, rather than something which happened as a result of having unprotected sex.

I can see where you are coming from. However, as the posts here demonstrate clearly, it is something you are expected to feel and woe betide if you don't!

YANBU

I hate statements like this as it implies that any idiot who has a child has automatically trumped the achievements of a childless person, who may well have found a cure for an illness, turned an inner-city school around, or negotiated a global agreement on climate change.

I also understand why you are annoyed, because it seems to negate everything you have done in your life so far.

Having a baby, and raising it without serious fuck-ups, is not really a massive, notable achievement. Hard work, yes. Joyful and rewarding, hopefully. The most important thing you'll ever do? Maybe, but not necessarily.

BTW, I have a child, and I certainly wouldn't say it's the hardest thing I 've ever done. And I haven't done THAT many hard things!

To be honest, if by raising a child you haven't made a difference to the world one way or the other, you'd be pretty peculiar. Everything has a ripple effect. I'm not religious but I agree with Mother Theresa on this:

Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world.

We all hunger for love and we love imperfectly, even our own children.. yet having the opportunity to make someone else feel loved and worthwhile in the absence of achievement, purely for simply existing is an enormous privilege.

Oh dear OP. I think we can safely add that comment to the list of things you say about parenting before having children. It's a bit different from the ' I won't let them watch tv/ make a mess in my house/ interrupt my lifestyle/ eat sweets' comments people make before they actually have the child. But it's certainly up there with ignorant things you say that you'll laugh about later.

I too am interested in what you plan to do that's better? I think saving or improving lives in a meaningful way, perhaps making important scientific discoveries, possibly even creating a culturally important piece of art, music ... Something that lasts a long time, might be more important. But then again even Paul McCartney (for example) would probably say that being a parent is his best achievement in life.

If she means raising your child to be a well adjusted, reasonably happy and resiliant individual who contributes (however he/she can) to the world - YAB(a bit)U.

If she just means 'having a baby' - YANBU.

Wow people are being harsh about the OP I think. When pregnant I got told that I'd realise that everything up until that point had been meaningless. Seriously, what an amazing way to both patronise and belittle my existence up until that point.

While on paper it may seem a well meaning if innocuous sentiment, I can see how the underlying message could be read as meaning can only be achieved through children.

While I truly hope that having this baby is one of the greatest things you'll get to experience, it shouldn't limit you to it being the only great experience from this point forward.

.... And I second the poster above- prepare yourself for many many more intrusive and inappropriate comments in the coming months. People just can't help themselves

I have a career and have lots of family and friends, I've done some travelling but I would have to say that my biggest achievement is the fact that I am a mother to two girls aged 21 and 17 who have grown up to be kind, funny, intelligent and thoughtful.

I take full credit for this of course

Now I'm concerned the OP hasn't been back from her OP.

Maybe she's new and doesn't know to chat, or maybe an article to be written hmmm.....