To sincerely hope motherhood is not the best thing I will ever do?

[purplebiro]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, recently announced on FB and an old school friend commented "congrats - it's the best thing you'll ever do". AIBU to really want to reply "I sincerely fucking hope not"?

I know she was trying to be nice and I am delighted about the pregnancy but I am also highly intelligent, ambitious and hard working - if the best thing I'm ever going to do is with my womb, I might as well give up now. AND I doubt anyone would ever say that to a man.

-Rufus but things like finding about XRays, supporting people who are ill, caring for disabled/elderly people in their home, all those will never ever be as good as being a mum? They can never be as rewarding or satisfying or challenging or exciting? Really?
If that's so why on earth do we have so few fathers staying at home and mums like Noelle (and she isn't the it one by far!) who regret actually having spend all their efforts on that one thing that should all make us happy and satisfied and rewarded??

I'm not saying that being a parent isn't all those things. It's the best that I have an issue with.

I think it is undoubtedly the best thing I and my husband have ever done. I find it hard to imagine anyone who actually has children thinking otherwise. I didn't realise what having a child would mean to me before becoming pregnant (wasn't too enthusiastic), when pregnant or even for a short while after the birth. I can understand why the OP doesn't want to have her achievements overshadowed by becoming a mother. Her opinions may very well change when she becomes ones.

I think some people are already parents and don't feel their children are the best things in their lives. But this people tend to have not invested much in the relationship. They are estranged fathers (I don't know any estranged mothers) or in one case a couple with a live-in Nanny who both work overseas but in different countries Monday to Saturday and only see their DCs for a few hours on a Sunday. In these cases the children are not that prominent a feature in their parents lives. It is nothing to do with me but it feels sad and a wasted opportunity to me.

I suppose I see what u mean

I haven't read the entire thread but I can kind of get where the OP is coming from, actually.

I have two kids and I am obviously massively, enormously pleased with them and think they're amazing (I am, understandably, biased :) ), I'm really proud of how they've turned out so far and I enjoy spending time with them. In a way, they're the best thing I've done. However, they're not the only good thing I've done, or the only thing I'm proud of, and being their mother isn't the only thing I am (I am a [my job] and a friend and a musician and a partner and a teller of bad jokes and etc. etc.) and I think sometimes when people say things like "the best thing you'll ever do" it can smack a bit of "all that other stuff about you won't matter any more" or "now you will live primarily through your children".

It was one of the things I genuinely worried about before having children, that my entire identity would be subsumed into "mother" in a sort of Stepford Wife stylee, and was pleasantly surprised when it wasn't.

friar

I do understand what you are saying

But I think the OP took a "nice" comment and has overthought it

I honestly don't think her friend thought she would be offended

And I don't think that my best is the OPs best or your best it's all different

I won't have done any of the things in your post, my husband won't have either...so maybe for us it will be the best thing we have ever done..

My children's achievements, their fantastic personalities and their wonderful sense of humour are all theirs, but having them and seeing them grow up has been the best experience of my life

The friend should probably have caveated her comment with "one of the best things you will ever do". But she didn't

Having children has not been the most challenging part of my life, it may not be the most worthwhile, I'm damn sure it's not the most exciting...but overall it's been the best

All most people have said to the OP is wait til the baby is born and then see if you feel the same way

Couldn't agree more IsChippyMintonExDirectory, Tinks43 does not come across well here at all, and then she has the audacity to say 'lots of "people" have nasty traits'! The irony.

Purple you have taken a lot of shit from a lot of v bitchy, hysterical posters but you have dealt with it well. I'm sure you will make a great mother.

This thread is truly MN at its worse, and Tinks43 you need to acquire a grip, you come across as unhinged the way you are harping on. Some people are just too highly strung for AIBU and you are one of those people.

And following on from leedys post

It's been one of the best experiences of my life, but I never thought that I would be defined by my children, in the same way that I am not defined by my DH or job

I am just Rufus (except obviously I'm not...that would have been a weird name to call a girl plus I'm not actually a reindeer)

flounces off in horror at the revelation that Rufus is not actually a reindeer

leedy

I know, I know!!!!

And it'll be Christmas soon and I'm destroying all these illusions

Bad Rufus! Bad, bad Rufus!

Wether or not you agree with the OP that was a cuntish thing to say to a pregnant woman Tinks42......

Err, it wasnt me who said that.

Was the wine out last night?

Oh I know what you're on about now. I dont really care whether I come across well or not to be honest, my views are just that mine and we are all entitled to them. I also don't mind being called a cunt, it's a lovely part of the anatomy

I'm sure this is absolutely true, but as someone who's been TTC for longer than I want to think, I wish there was a way of phrasing it that didn't make childless women feel such utter failures, as if their lives were basically limited to only what they could achieve on their own.

:( :(

May I say lud you are NOT a failure!!

NoImSpartacus, who made you Mumsnet adjudicator for acceptable AIBU posting style? Do you think attributing those posters that don't agree with the OP with bitchy and hysterical personality flaws adds anything to the debate?

lud

You are right (must be more assertive and stop agreeing with everyone )

You are not a failure, sorry if this thread is making you feel bad

I actually like purplebiro in the end. Good luck with your business and motherhood.

I completely agree with the OP. When you look back at the key figures in history, how many are revered for having done a really good job of bringing up a child?

None, as far as I can tell.

Giving birth isn't actually an achievement - most women do it at some point. Bringing up a child well is an achievement, but to be honest, your friend was jumping the gun - maybe they should come back to you in 20 years.

Did they mean "best" as in "most fulfilling"? That may be true, of course, but may not be.

Surely in this context the friend meant 'It's great being a parent, as your friend I feel you'll really enjoy it.' Maybe Purplebiro won't think it is amazing but people don't often say 'You're pregnant? Well, please be aware you might hate every minute of it! Congrats anyway!'

It's not meant to mean 'This is all you are capable of and you'll never achieve anything else, so don't even try MUMMY!'

The more I think about it, the more I don't like the phrase. I think it was a simple platitude, no more, no less.

People tend to over analyse - people simply come up with something to say.

There is something else too. It's easy to say that when a woman is pg. and then she has a baby and bad PND. Do you think she will feel like it's the best thing she ever did?
When I had dc1, I had PND and didn't bond with him but took me 4 years if constant effort to build up that relationship and feel that 'love'. Oh and before that I had dc2 and AND. Do you really think that for these 4~5 years I felt that it was the best thing ever?
No this idea that it was supposed to be the best thing in my life just made me feel ever more inadequate and guilty. It also made me want to hide how I was feeling because there was clearly something wrong with me. And there was. But not in the way I thought it was.

It is long term though. If you get to 80+ all achievements are pretty meaningless if you haven't got the important things in life, like good relationships. Margaret Thatcher achieved a lot, it still left her old and lonely at Christmas. (Forget the womb part and the baby- they are over so quickly)

YANBU OP, of course its important and an achievement (although not an achievement that hasn't been accomplished by most people throughout human history), but its becoming like a statement cult members trot out without thinking. And often its done by people who sort of give up on an life of their own once they've got a man and had a child, and want to live life through their children. I must admit I do find people who live their lives through their children and seem to have no interests of their own left very tedious.

I speak from experience - my DH's siblings are exactly like this. They literally do nothing but part time work and caring for their perfectly healthy children. They have two each but it takes up all their spare time, particularly as they spend it ferrying them around between each of their homes long distances by car about every second day for little other reason than to show them off to each other and gossip about them. If you try to have a conversation with them on any other topic, such as a news item, they look blank, then faintly disturbed, and then drift back into gossip about their children.

I would agree with that TheChandler -when I hear people who say 'I am devoted to my children' I think 'poor children-what a responsibility when they get older'. The same with those who won't get a babysitter etc-other people can manage your children quite easily!!
You can have children and a life-and you need that life because you don't have them very long, when you look back.