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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sincerely hope motherhood is not the best thing I will ever do?

435 replies

purplebiro · 25/11/2014 18:47

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, recently announced on FB and an old school friend commented "congrats - it's the best thing you'll ever do". AIBU to really want to reply "I sincerely fucking hope not"?

I know she was trying to be nice and I am delighted about the pregnancy but I am also highly intelligent, ambitious and hard working - if the best thing I'm ever going to do is with my womb, I might as well give up now. AND I doubt anyone would ever say that to a man.

OP posts:
HatieKokpins · 26/11/2014 13:30

Being a mother may well be the best thing some mothers have done.

Being a "Yummy Mummy" is one of the worst things a woman can inflict on their precious little angels, not to mention being one of the most risible things on the planet. There may not be more to your life than your children, but it's okay - no seriously, it is - to acknowledge that there might be more to other people's lives than just their "little smashers".

Blueteas · 26/11/2014 13:44

Kalidasa, how cool that you had dinner with AS Byatt. I imagine she'd be good company in a 'doesn't suffer fools gladly' way.

I think there's still tremendous social pressure on women to say they find parenting much more fulfilling than anything else in their lives, particularly than work - probably because of the SAHM vs WOHM opposition, which remains a divisive issue for many. It's a false opposition, though, and not one men are ever expected to be either/or on, though. If you've given up work to look after children full time, there's social pressure on you to elevate motherhood into the ultimate fulfilment, even if you felt you had no choice on economic grounds, and would have preferred to work.

What you work at must also make a considerable difference - I am a writer and academic and find what I do all-absorbing in a way I doubt I would if if were comparing motherhood with a poorly-paid, dull or difficult unskilled manual job.

Noellefielding · 26/11/2014 13:50

God, I hope it isn't......
I mean it has been fab but I so wish I had hung on to a career of some kind any kind.
I feel like such a mug for stopping work.
I really really admire women who hung on to employment, I know it is massively hard to do but I don't believe they regret it.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/11/2014 13:50

Being a "Yummy Mummy" is one of the worst things a woman can inflict on their precious little angels

Eh??? So you want me to get fat and dress like a frump and try to age as much as possible just so my DD doesn't have to put up with having an attractive mother!!!
WOW Shock

TheFriar · 26/11/2014 13:51

Well I have to say talking about the 'best thing you'll ever do' is raising a lot issues for me.
Of course for some people it will be.
But it put everything else as 'lesser than'.
So for Nelson Mandela to fight apartheid is lesser than having a child. For Marie Curie discovering XRays and helping wounded soldiers (and most of is at some point in our life) is lesser than.
So these are not as satisfying or pleasurable or rewarding or exciting as being a mum.

Why does it have to be that motherhood is put on a pedestal as if nothing else was as good but only for women?

Blueteas · 26/11/2014 13:52

Noelle, I'm sure there are ways you can get back to work. Don't write yourself off in that way!

Blueteas · 26/11/2014 13:55

Hells, I think you are working off a different definition of Yummy Mummy. The pp clearly meant the kind of parent who thinks the world revolves around her offspring, and is baffled and enraged when society in general dies not share her view. Nothing to do with looks.

Noellefielding · 26/11/2014 13:56

Thanks Blueteas but you have no idea where my confidence is.
That level of subterranean low doesn't have a measurement!
I mean I'm ok but I have no no no no no no no working self confidence at all.
Motherhood doesn't give me confidence any more.
It did once after a lot of issues with fertility, but I now feel like I would be able to be a much better mother if I could work and if I'd worked and provided more financially and role model wise for my kids.
Dont' get me wrong, I know a load of full time mothers who are a MA zing, could go back to work if they wanted to, have enough funds not to work, find their identity is satisfied by being a full time mother.
I am not at all satisfied by it. I adore my kids but I am terrified of the future and I wake up in a cold sweat every morning!
Soz for moaning!

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 26/11/2014 13:57

TheFriar, I did wonder if Florey and Chain were ever asked, 'So, you won the Nobel Prize for penicillin, one of the greatest inventions in the history of mankind and one which has saved millions of lives, but surely the best thing you ever did is having your children?'

Noellefielding · 26/11/2014 13:58

Sorry, I am partly satisfied, I love to support them and enable them. I just massively regret letting work go for long enough for my self confidence to die beyond any apparent hope of resurrection!

Blueteas · 26/11/2014 14:01

No need to apologise, Noelle -I think you're speaking for a lot of women who've stepped out of the workforce, don't want to be a SAHM forever, but feel trapped by low confidence levels. Not to sound like a life-coach, but what would your ideal life and work-/home balance be? If you can picture that, then you can start figuring out ways to make small steps that will let you grew your confidence and move you towards your goal.

I think that anything that gets you out of the domestic environment into a place where you are something other than a mother will help as a start.

m0therofdragons · 26/11/2014 14:02

Best thing I've ever done and dh would say the same (and has said so in the past). I'm also intelligent and have a good job although only part time at the moment while dc are young. Raising 3 happy dc constantly challenges me in far more ways than work ever has. I know I'm bloody good at my job but raising children is a whole knew ball game.

Noellefielding · 26/11/2014 14:04

thanks for that, I'm running out now to do just that in a volunteering role!
It's the regret at the opportunities I had that I find so mind bending, I can't get out of kicking myself, I mean I walked past such good opportunities like an eejit in a coma.....
Flowers
Smile

TheFriar · 26/11/2014 14:12

Noelle I agree that your life hasn't ended with your dcs.
So you had opportunities? great! That means that there are people out there that thought you are able to do great things.
Hang on that though, carry on with your volunteering and remind yourself that you are the same person than before, as intelligent and able. It's just at on the top of it, you will have learn new 'soft skills' hilts looking after your dcs. Wink

Selinasupreme · 26/11/2014 14:13

FACEPALM.

TheFriar · 26/11/2014 14:14

mother you see for me the person that has challenged me in ways I didn't think I would be able to cope with is my DH.
The dcs were/are a walk in the park compare to that.

SeasonsEatings · 26/11/2014 14:15

In the last two years I have had my DD, had a year off and returned to work to acheive amazing/ground breaking/record breaking things in my sector.

I am far more proud of my DD than my work acheivements, also I am more driven now that I am a Mother, I really feel like I need to make to time away from her really count otherwise it isn't worth the sacrifice. I try to work less hours to be with her and the bonus I am getting paid on Friday will go towards family life. If I won the lottery I wouldn't hesitate to give up work and spend more time with my family.

OP I think that you have taken the comments from your friend the wrong way, being a parent is not a measure of your success as a human being.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/11/2014 14:16

Thanks Blue I certainly was. But now I know so all good.

SeasonsEatings · 26/11/2014 14:17

sorry hit post too soon!

OP I think that you have taken the comments from your friend the wrong way, being a parent is not a measure of your success as a human being but the love that you will feel for your DC will be far greater than any work acheivements.

Goldenbear · 26/11/2014 14:22

Well I had a good job, place of work had/has lots of kudos, career prospects were so good that when i told my boss of my pregnancy she responded by asking if I definitely wanted the baby! So I wouldn't agree that it is because the 'alternative' option to Motherhood is dull and uninspiring. I would also argue that it is just as admirable to give up that option completely as it is to keep it going- both options are hardwork as you are well aware of the lack of value society places on being a SAHP to very young children!

MrsMarcJacobs · 26/11/2014 14:24

The opening statement seemed quite aggressive towards your friend. would you rather she write "Congratulations, motherhood is tough and you will doubt yourself more than you have in your life, sometimes cry because you are tired and think it's a major achievement to just be functioning at times"? She sounded like she said a nice thing.

SeasonsEatings · 26/11/2014 14:30

I have read the rest of the thread and will blame the OP's aggression on pregnancy hormones........

Taffeta · 26/11/2014 14:34

I had my DC at 36 & 39, by which time I'd had a good go at a high flying career, which at the time I found very rewarding and satisfying.

I was starting to get meh about everything though. I was told at 18 I probably couldn't have children so they were never on my horizon. Gave it a bash and it worked ( after two miscarriages ).

I still work, albeit not in a high flying role, and I enjoy my work. The enjoyment of my work is nowhere even remotely close to the enjoyment and fulfilment I get from my children. And what I did pre DC also comes nowhere near.

I remember feeling the same as you pre DC. I was wrong. I'm glad I was wrong. My life is so rich now.

RufusTheReindeer · 26/11/2014 14:37

I agree with kewcumbers earlier post

The original OP was about if being the best thing you will ever do, it wasn't about it being your greatest achievement

I consider my greatest achievement to have been not killing them!!!

That's a joke people...though you should see what has happened to every plant I've ever known...pets haven't faired much better

TheFriar · 26/11/2014 14:42

Why so Selina?