To sincerely hope motherhood is not the best thing I will ever do?

[purplebiro]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, recently announced on FB and an old school friend commented "congrats - it's the best thing you'll ever do". AIBU to really want to reply "I sincerely fucking hope not"?

I know she was trying to be nice and I am delighted about the pregnancy but I am also highly intelligent, ambitious and hard working - if the best thing I'm ever going to do is with my womb, I might as well give up now. AND I doubt anyone would ever say that to a man.

I get it, OP.

Amazed by some of the attacks on here.
No, not amazed actually - Mumsnet is a pretty cunty place at the moment.

Having a baby and looking after it as well as we can isn't an achievement. It's basically a selfish act because, like all animals, we're biologically programmed to pass on our genes How do you reconcile that with my adopting DS?

Not relevant to OP but I'm interested in how people think it works with adoption.

I had no chemicals to help me bond with DS - it was cold turkey (and hard). The desire to have children is a selfish act, but raising them well and safely isn't at all selfish as any adopter can testify there are a great many children who had don't benefit from parent who are capable of good parenting decisions. And there are many many times more children in care than there are with plans for adoption (adoption is a drop in the ocean of overall looked after children).

It's naive to think that good parenting is simple biology. Though I envy anyone who hasn't come across children who's lives have been impacted by poor parenting. Perhaps that is why I do feel that h=being a half way adequate parent is an acheivement - I've seen in real life what happens if it doesn't happen. It does take a degree of selflessness. And for those who don't instantly bond with their child (eg adoption, PND) you do have to take conscious decisions about parenting before you feel anything for your child. Implying that its just something you do naturally is dismissive of those who work hard at it. And to be honest I think most people go through stages where they really do have to work very hard at it.

Agreeing with what Atrocious said, that having a child is in no way the death of ambition. I had my son at 39, and I can honestly say that for me, and many of my friends, having a child has only made us more focused and productive in work. Part of it is having something else wonderful going on in your life, part of it is having new time restrictions which make you much more focused in the hours you are working, part of it is thinking about what kind of human being you want to model for your child as s/he grows up, which gives you the courage to make big changes. I personally found having a child a massive kick up the ass, in a good way.

I'm more than a bit dubious about anyone's children being their 'achievements' - it's a bit monomaniac. (Agreeing with a pp who is a bit taken aback by the numbers of interviewees in those weekend supplements who say their children are their greatest achievements.) My son is two and a half, but is very much his own person - I gave birth to him, I love him and look after him, but I can't take credit for him, as such.

I actually don't think I'm that great at being a mum there is definitely room for improvement.

However when I'm on my deathbed, I know that my memories will be mainly of my children and being a mum even if at times I have found it frustrating and boring. I've enjoyed a career, studying and lots of traveling but if I had to choose just one time in my life it would have to be the years I have spent being a mother even though I'm not that great at it. People will always be more important than achievements don't you agree? I think that's the point that your Facebook friend wax trying to make.

Was not wax.

Kew (and can I just say that recently read straight through your Kazakhstan blog, having randomly followed a link from a post in Adoptions, and admired your gumption and determination, and your son is adorable- though he's probably a teenager now!) - I agree that good parenting is an achievement, and I have considerable admiration for the kind of attentive, high-intensity parenting that adopting a child requires, but I think that's a different thing entirely to saying that a child is your achievement.

But I don't think you are saying that. In fact, I think one of the interesting effects of adoption (based on friends who are parents by adoption) is that adoptive parents seem seldom to fall into the trap of treating their child as an aspect of themselves.

morethanpotatoprints

Ha ha - just read your post (belatedly!) to be fair I didn;t actually call myself "great"! I was referring to the memories I hope he will have of his chidhood and will one day be able to look back and remember the good stuff more than the difficult stuff.

In fact currently does think I'm great but he's 9 - I suspect his position might change in a few years!

And adopted children have every bit as much right to be pissed off and ungrateful and grumpy with their parents as anyone else has!

I do work hard at looking after my children as I am not really temperamentally suited to having them - sadly I discovered this after they'd popped out

The statement that being a parent is the best thing you'll ever do: well, it will be if you put some fucking effort in, and that is not a given. I hate the implication in statements like that in the op that just by having incubated a child and/or wiped its bum, you somehow become a Good Parent. Bollocks do you - it is much much more. I will only tell someone that they should be proud of their kids if it is evident that their parental attentions have positively influenced the child's behaviour; otherwise, if the kid is good then he/she should be proud of THEMSELVES. No praise should be bounced onto the parents in that scenario.

Statements like 'it's the best thing you'll ever do' make a HUGE assumption that the parent-to-be is conscientious. Sadly, they are not always so. It's a lazy statement.

I'm more than a bit dubious about anyone's children being their 'achievements' - it's a bit monomaniac. (Agreeing with a pp who is a bit taken aback by the numbers of interviewees in those weekend supplements who say their children are their greatest achievements.) My son is two and a half, but is very much his own person - I gave birth to him, I love him and look after him, but I can't take credit for him, as such.

Blueteas I completely agree.

No blueteas he's 9 this week. He just thinks he's 15.

I have no idea what its like not to be an adoptive parent (it all just feels like parenting to me to be honest) but I do think it helps that I have no expectation that DS will be anyone/thing except himself which is of course turning out to be a wonderful combination of genetics, environment and a healthy sprinkling of DS's own quirky view of the world.

The achievements are all his, as I say I've mostly just hung on for the ride. But is has been a blast and definitely the best thing I've ever done.

Kewcucumber I think it's all parenting, whether you're biologically related to the child or not. I certainly felt closer to my aunt than I did to my mum growing up, and I got on much better with my mum's friends than I did with her.

Genetics aren't sufficient to establish a good bond; love and the willingness to take an interest in the child are though.

Maybe 'best thing that will ever happen to me' describes it better.

Statements like 'it's the best thing you'll ever do' make a HUGE assumption that the parent-to-be is conscientious. Sadly, they are not always so. It's a lazy statement.

Thats over thinking it a bit - it was a positive comment from a old friend who presumably knows the OP well enough to make an educated guess that OP will fall into the "good enough" parenting group that most of us do. And I speak as one who has seen more than their fair share of children will really quite dreadfully not good enough parents.

Someone made a comment to me "More joy than you can possibly imagine" which i was actually very grateful for as many people take the approach when you're adopting that you're taking a potential mad axe murderer into your house or that as a single parent your life will now be over. I had more than my share of "why would you do that?!"

"best thing you'll ever do" sounds benign and encouraging to me!

Kew, that will teach me look at the actual dates on the blog!

I have no idea how it feels to have become a parent by adoption, obviously, but I've been impressed and inspired by the attentiveness and intelligence of the parenting advice and anecdotes I've seen on the Mn adoption forum. Adoptive parents are rightly annoyed by the 'you are saints' approach, but I have learned a lot about good parenting there, especially in terms of what you say about not burdening a child with your expectations for them, and recognising their integrity as a separate human being, and the need to start from where the child is, not some arbitrary idea of where they 'should' be.

Anyway, sorry for thread derail.

I guess I'd prefer a comment that didn't sound like all your other life achievements could just go in the bin now that a child has entered your life. I understand that that probably wasn't what the op's friend meant though. People just say stuff and they are usually trying to have a nice interaction.

I do have a tendency to over-think

I can remember telling someone after DS had been home about a year and I was in that very smitten loved up stage...

"I used to hear people talking about their children and what great things they'd done and think 'Of course they say that, you have to say that about your children, it's expected'. But now I realise they really meant it "

I genuinely thought (and still think) that DS is the most amazing person and even though intellectually I know that he can't be, I can't quite shake that belief!

Plumpingpartridge - if its any consolation I set up my business after DS in response to an illness which made it difficult to work. Its a small business and a small achievement but I am proud of it. But I'd give it up in a heartbeat if I had to for DS.

I'm sure as your children become older and more independent your own desires and achievements move back to centre stage a bit more.

blueteas kudos for ploughing through it - most people read it one week at a time as I posted, not in a marathon!

Well I to hope that my dcs are not going to be my biggest achievement. And so far I would say that they aren't and I'm very very proud if that.
Why?

• because clearly I'm more than just my womb and my ability to have children
• but much much more importantly, whatever my dcs will become it's their success. Not mine. My role is to provide a nurturing environment, to support, but all the rest is theirs, their efforts, their success, their achievements.

So now, why should I be prouder to have given them an appropriate environment to grow up than what I'm doing everyday for a living (I'm supporting people who are ill and making huge difference in their quality if life), or what I did for myself (I used to be very short tempered and I've learnt to be calmer and to better enjoy my life, even and ESP all the little things), or what I did with DH to save and rebuild our relationship etc etc. being a mum isn't the most important thing, it's just one if the things I am. Children ARE important and will take priority sometimes but I don't depend on them to define me.
And I do hope that I'm able to touch more life's on a day to day basis than just my dcs.

Raising my children to be kind, thoughtful, happy and conscientious adults will be the best thing I ever do, and I am determined to make sure I put 110% into doing it.

Nothing else I could ever achieve will beat it.

The original comment wasn't about children being your "achievement" though it was "congrats - it's the best thing you'll ever do"

Now of course you might disagree with that too but its a different comment. I take "best" to mean most satisfying and exciting and enjoyable.

Not read all 14 pages (!)

It depends on the interpretation of "best thing you'll ever do".

If it means "most enjoyable" then that depends on all sorts of things - what sort of person you are, what your DC are like etc. I really struggled during the first few months and hated it when people said "aw enjoy the early days, they're the best bit".

If it means "thing you'll be best at" then again that depends on you and your own abilities. I think I'm probably naturally better at my job than I am at being a mother (at least a mother to babies/toddler) though I try my best.

If it means "your biggest contribution to society" then that depends on how your kids turn out, whether you see adding to the human race as a good thing or not, whether your job is a socially beneficial one, etc.

If it means "biggest change you'll make to your life" then that's definitely true IME! But that would be a bit of a tenuous interpretation.

So in theory YANBU.

But as others have said - I expect it is something said without huge amount of thought, as a reassuring/contgratulatory platitude. I wouldn't overthink it. And I expect it would be said to many men as well, if they announced they were having a child.

Yes, it is rather subjective minipie! I hadn't thought of all the possible meanings

Actually I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP, and I am a mother already (DS1 is nearly two and I'm 31 weeks with DS2). Having children is certainly a different sort of thing from most other things you "do" in life and has quite specific challenges and rewards, but I can definitely think of "better" in the sense of simpler/more straightforward/more purely pleasurable/more directly rewarding aspects of my life, and I too would feel uncomfortable at the implication that those who can't have children or choose not to somehow have less of a life. I also get what you mean that 'becoming a mother' is as much something that happens to you as something you "do" even if parenting is ideally a more active process.

I had dinner with A. S. Byatt once at a very male-dominated occasion and one man rather patronisingly, I thought, asked her if she considered her children were her finest achievement (particularly insensitive as she lost a son) and she rather tartly replied that she did not consider her children to be 'her achievements' at all, that was her books. Her children were their own achievements, not hers. Sensible woman.

I think the flaming you've had is rather unfair. You might feel totally differently as soon as you've had the baby but not everyone does. I was once told on a parenting course that the upheaval in priorities after having a baby generally reveals what your deep-down priorities/motivations actually are - in terms of work/life balance etc etc. So if you actually don't experience a huge change of heart afterwards it just means you were quite in touch with your real motivations in the first place.

I am a graduate and had a long and successful career. Being a mum is without doubt the most satisfying and fulfilling thing I ever did. Being a grandmother is a close second. My career was great but hey, it's a job - money to eat - not comparable to having children (if you want them of course, it's different if you don't).

I like what A.S.Byatt said, Kalidasa.

Also your point about motivations is interesting.