To sincerely hope motherhood is not the best thing I will ever do?

[purplebiro]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, recently announced on FB and an old school friend commented "congrats - it's the best thing you'll ever do". AIBU to really want to reply "I sincerely fucking hope not"?

I know she was trying to be nice and I am delighted about the pregnancy but I am also highly intelligent, ambitious and hard working - if the best thing I'm ever going to do is with my womb, I might as well give up now. AND I doubt anyone would ever say that to a man.

which prompts me to ask the question, why did you get pregnant in the first place with such a stinking attitude?

Wether or not you agree with the OP that was a cuntish thing to say to a pregnant woman Tinks42

Fucks sake people lay off her, in the real non-MN world some people don't find parenting their highest achievement so no need to get all pissy and offended about it.

Think back to before you were all mums, and the things you thought you'd be after having a baby - somewhat different, no? So cut the OP some slack

redruby that is an excellent analogy!

I agree with you, I'm Preg too and I don't want to be those people that think having a child is the greatest achievement because realistic anyone can have a child it doesn't make you special to have a child
I completely get where you're coming from

Well OP you are seeing this in black and white because you can't see in colour yet!
Seriously, you change species when you have a baby- it's a total game changer, and you'll only know what I'm talking about from the other side.

I'm glad you are hardworking, intelligent and ambitious. I found that I needed all my wits about me too, (to not kill the little uns I had), and it certainly put a fire up my backside workwise too.

Good luck!

Both DH and I agree, parenting is the best thing we ever did. I'm a SAHM, he's professionally super successful and one of our kids isn't even ours. As 2 of them head to Uni, we can't help asking ourselves, "Was it worth it?" Hell bloody yeah!

anyone can have a child it doesn't make you special to have a child

Tammy, you and OP refer to having a baby as if it stops there.
But being totally responsible for another person's physical and emotional well-being for at least eighteen years is a huge task in my books.

DH has a very high-powered job chosen by him specifically because he thinks he can contribute to the community/society through it. He will still say rearing his children is the most challenging and best thing he will ever do. Realistically unless you one of a handful of people in the world (Mandela maybe), when you are old and sick, dying or dead, you will be important to your family and friends -not your colleagues or workmates or admiring public.

I don't want to be those people that think having a child is the greatest achievement because realistic anyone can have a child it doesn't make you special to have a child

But anyone can do anything if it comes to that. Loads of books written, loads of companies run by successful CEOs, loads of music written and performed, lots of people made lots of individual contributions to science, medicine etc. Plenty of forgettable presidents and prime ministers and kings.

The idea that achieving something "makes you special" is bizarre to me. you live your life, you do your best, you hope to make a contribution. if you have a child it is far more important in one sense - you are responsible for an entire human life -- but far less in another - your child may make no appreciable difference to the world. But you have still ushered another human being into the world and with luck made him/her a contributing, kind member of society. that's fairly special even if most people can do it. Most people can make friends too but making and keeping lifelong friends is fairly special in my view.

Motherhood isn't just something you do with your womb I think that is an odd comment too...

op. I have done so much in my life, and I have to say that yes, raising my children is so far, the best thing I have done.

That is not because I haven't had fun, or done great things, or that I don't anticipating having more fun etc, it is that NOTHING brings ME as much joy as my children.

I agree with Goldenbear in that the OP does not know what feminism is.

No offence purple but your kid isn't here yet. Until s/he is you don't have a clue!

Yabu.
I have made many significant achievements/ contributions outside if my family life
But motherhood is definitely the best thing i have done and probably the toughest
Why would a career objective be any more worthy than parenting?

It should be the best thing i ever do.
Having a baby didn't make me special. That isn't the point.
they are special.

I kind of get what you mean, OP, about the word "best." Mother Theresa - to pluck an example out of the air - worked for years with the sick, hungry and dying. If she had decided to become a mother I doubt her parenthood would have been listed as her best achievement.

I think maybe your friend means best in the sense of "cool" or "wow factor" or "life-changingness."

I do think that creating and growing three entirely new human beings in my body all by myself (OK DH helped a bit but tbh his contribution was pretty negligible) is the most interesting/exciting/emotional thing I have ever done. You can keep bungee jumping or climbing Everest I MADE THREE NEW PEOPLE!!

I don't think that anyone can possibly imagine what it is like having a child before they have one. I can see that the friend's comment irked,but talking about wombs etc you are interpreting her meaning in completely the wrong way.

why don't we turn this on it's head and ask whether WE are our mothers' greatest achievements?

I rather think so !! :) (swish swish)

Ooh, you've upset the baying crowd now OP! People evidently take your question as a personal attack on them and their achieve,TNS (or lack thereof)! It's like the whole SHAM vs WOHM bickering all over again. Why people can't have a reasoned discussion, I have no idea.

For what it's worth, I'm sure you will be very happy and fulfilled having kids, congratulations. That said, it doesn't need to define you. Billions do it every year and rarely get a medal for it.

There's every opportunity for you to achieve incredible things over and above the act of procreation. Please don't let the nay-sayers get you down. You have the choice of making your kids the centre of your very existence, which is fine. Or you can make sure they're happy and well-balanced, while still pursuing other things that stimulate and challenge you. That's not a crime!

Good luck, and I can't wait to read your Booker Prize-winning novel, or see you winning the London Marathon, OP.

fergus

I think you have hit the nail on the head....end of thread right there I think!!

oh hell Fergus.... in my family we know only too well that my little brother is mum's greatest achievement.

Fergus I think you have put your finger on why the statement in the op makes me uncomfortable.

My mum (who died in March this year) had a strong work ethic and was respected (rightly) by all and sundry for being a wonderful and very motivational teacher. I respected her work ethic and was proud of that aspect of her personality.

However, she did view our achievements as her own and we spent YEARS trying to please her. We were very aware that any compliment to us was taken as a compliment to her, as was also the case for criticism. She didn't like being criticised at all, and we were punished for having let it happen.

I ended up feeling that if your kids are the main source of pride in your life, then surely that makes them also the largest potential cause of embarrassment and shame. It's plain wrong, to me, to make any other human being the centre of your world, particularly a child. It's a horrendous responsibility to place on anyone and can be incredibly claustrophobic and leave the child with very little sense of self. I'm probably wrong to feel that way, but there it is.

I now make a very conscious effort to view my children as excellent people that I happen to be the mother of; their achievements are their own, not mine, and I try to be proud on their behalf rather than my own.

Anyway, that's one opinion. I am in counselling as I'm not sure my mindset is particularly healthy

Having a baby and looking after it as well as we can isn't an achievement. It's basically a selfish act because, like all animals, we're biologically programmed to pass on our genes.

I get where you are coming from OP. There are many other valuable things people can contribute to society or the world other than having children and maybe you get the feeling that people will only see you as a mother.

Having said that, I probably do feel that my children are the best thing I've ever done, and I may feel so even more when they are brilliant young adults (but then I have not had a successful career, or published a novel, or cured cancer, or stopped the Arctic ice cap from melting, for example). You may well feel differently when your baby is born so I echo other posters' suggestion of looking back at this thread in a year's time. I also like the thought that my sister and I are the best thing my parents have ever done! That's never occurred to me before now.

You will continue to achieve things after motherhood takes over your life, OP - don't worry. It sounds like you fear being diminished by motherhood, as if people will suddenly only see Generic Mother rather than you, with all your idiosyncrasies, skills and dreams.

I think this is a feminist issue, as others have mentioned. Our culture both subtly and blatantly undermines motherhood constantly. A patriarchal society creates a cultural lie in which motherhood is weaker, lesser, lower than the world of work.

I work, I'm a mother, have academic achievements behind me, have plans for future projects. The exhaustion levels involved are harsh. But my DCs will always be the best thing I've ever done, the best decision I ever made.

You don't have to feel that way though - I'm sure not every woman does. You'll find out when your baby arrives.

It's certainly the best thing I've ever done and I've just asked DH and he said the same. Maybe wait until this time next year and see how you feel then?

Speaking as a highly intelligent, educated and ambitious woman, bringing up my two daughters to be equally intelligent, educated and ambitious women - as well as kind, loving and emotionally intelligent women - WILL be the best thing I ever do.

If you perform better at your career than you do as a parent, then your priorities are wrong.

Getting pregnant and pushing a baby out of your vagina is something that most female animals are capable of doing, but raising a kind and successful person is a high achievement, and one that can bring joy like nothing else in this world.

And I would say this to a man as well.

I think your friend is right tbh. It is not a reflection on your career or anything else. My husband and I both think bringing up our children is the best thing we will ever do.