to not understand this text (am I being thick emoticon)

[catfourfeet]

STBXH has memory issues but refuses to allow me to to allow me to text during contact to check up on ds2 11 and ds 9.

I asked that stbxh does not obstruct dd 13 from texting / replying to texts so that i may check on ds's.

this is reply I got

"I wont stand in the way of any agreement that you have seen necessary to make with our daughter, no matter how lacking in utility"

WTF does that mean !!!!

sorry, obviously I meant it doesn't mean she shouldn't still be protected

its not "secret" its just to difficult to explain , over and over again. I've tried do it in real life and people just get fed up.

Im told to "move on"

"forget him" etc etc

and its. just. not. like . that its just isnt

the only ones who "get it" are those who are in similar situations, and by sheer luck I've managed to find someone and she is my life line.

Before STBXH left I was at breaking point, at the end of my tether, I was quite literally ready to throw myself in the river. Sat on a park bench looking at the water thinking " If I'm quick no one will get to me in time"

and then to the outside world I have to keep quiet about it all , especially the uttter vileness of my sis and SIL who "were only trying to help" and simply tore my life appart. And yet IM the bitch, IM the vile one ..........sign

Yes, Im out too.

Oh for gods sake. Nobody on this thread has called you a bitch or vile.

OP he has left, you now need to start getting your life back on track. I hope you have visited your GP?

By 'secret', I meant it seems necessary to be aware of a NC to join the dots. Most of us don't have that info, so we can't figure it out.

Good luck OP

oh Flossy I didnt say that on this thread I had been called vile, IRL. Which , actually matters more.

"Oh for Gods sake" ....really

Flossy,, and this is MN first for me BACK the F**K OFF !

and No my DD wont be reading that !

and just to clarify

He didn't leave , to all intents and purposes he was TAKEN .

No problem OP.

I really do hope you get your life sorted for your sake and that of your children.

Just checking Flossy, you'd expect a poster who has already had her RL identity outed once to terrible effect to make sure she tells you her whole back story, just so you don't need to be a bitch? How about supporting a poster just 'because'? How about using your intelligence and eloquence (as used to great effect on other threads) to realise there may be more going on that you wouldn't understand.

Damn it, just realised I NCed and forgot to change back again so my last post doesn't make any sense as it referenced my previous one.

It's me Fell, being Itsmefell

and what I meant was, I do think DD's involvement in the thread is/was inappropriate, but had I been more aware of the extent of the stress cat has been under I would, of course, have expressed my feelings on that with more sensitivity.

cat it's not worth it my love - don't let them upset you. Some people just have to be right regardless of what an absolute twat it makes them

And I don't know your back story. I thought you sounded reasonable from the start x

cat I think you have had a really hard time on this thread as people don't understand your situation. Of course there is no reason why they should and I'm sure when you posted just asking what the text meant you thought a minimal background was needed and I'm sure it gets really wearing having to go the full story with people repeatedly.

But people don't appreciate what you mean by "memory issues" in his case. They also don't appreciate the degree to which you no longer trust him or those around him to do the right thing.

I think you may if DS's want to continue contact have to rely on your DD to do a bit of a babysitting job using her judgement as to when you need to be involved. It may not be ideal for her but lets be honest, it's not an ideal situation for any of you and if it gets too much for her she should be able to tell you so. It's not a particularly onerous duty just to assess whether any that happens really needs you to know so you can send them off comfortable that information will flow appropriately back to you.

I don;t think it's ideal that she posted on your thread but I think people are getting a little overwrought about it. Its really not the end of the world. DS knows I post on MN and he can easily search for my threads if he wants to. Accusations of accusing your DD to talk to strangers in the internet aren't particularly helpful or even the point here.

I have lurked on some of your previous threads and I hope things overall are better for you now and keep improving. Eventually DC's will be old enough to have their own relationship with ex and you won;t have that worry.

Good luck

Bloody hell. OP don't read anymore of this thread. It's cruel and distasteful.

People love to get a theoretical argument going and hammer it home to 'win' against the OP. It seems some people really give a good kicking.

It's foul.

It's not even necessary to know the back story, but just to think properly about the situation presented - he has severe memory problems and refuses to put in place any strategies to manage his condition.

So why was that ignored I cannot imagine, in favour of painting the OP in the darkest light possible.

OP

Does he not mean futility and has just missed off the 'f'

That's how it looks to me

Kew is absolutely right. It all makes much more sense with the backstory from the other NN (thank you to the MNer who PMed me the NN).

If your youngest is 9, then realistically you need a 'good enough' plan to last 4 years until they are all teens.

Can you make a tear off calendar with 48 month on it for the kitchen wall?

I remember your previous posts OP.
I'm sorry you're still going through this.
I wonder if someone else could approach stbxh telling him he needs to write notes throughout contact, not giving him an option, or he may need another adult there so that your dc are definitely safe.
Hope your sister has butted out now!
Good luck

Gosh, people are being very harsh to the OP who is clearly in a very unusual and complicated situation. On MN, people bandy about the term "no contact" as if you are cutting a string, not a complex emotional tie with a person you once loved. It's not always that easy to let go. Yes, it's frustrating when people cannot do what logically, outsiders know they need to but you catch more flies with honey.

thank to all who have taken the time to post.

Many thanks , especially, to those who have "got it"

It was never my intention to drip feed , in my OP I simply wanted to ask a question about the text from my STBXH.

I didn't feel it necessary to have to explain the last 4 years of my life, warts and all.

Then , as the thread progressed, I felt compelled to "justify" the situation.

Due to the interference / influence of my sis / SIL I am unable to safely confide in family members. Wither my family or STBXH's family.

I feel rather that my mouth is stitched shut and I just have to smile sweetly , talk about the weather and never say a word against sis / SIL

I don't know if this is a good analogy but imagine your DH had an affair and your family and his family blamed you for the affair, treated the OW as the victim, and treated everything you say as a lie.

I did not invite my DD on this thread for sympathy. She saw I was upset and asked to put her own point of view across. simply that , no "gaining sympathy"

For those who have given me words of kindness, thank you, it means more than you know.

For those who just HAD to have the WHOLE story to be able to offer support , I hope IRL you show more compassion.

I have often helped others with what seem "odd" situations.

I did not ask questions, I simply did what I could.

e.g. friend asking advice on suddenly stopping very successful BF.

it later transpired that she had to take medication that compromised BF due to MH issues. she confided in me in her own time.

I have so often thought to pour my heart out on MH but without bearing my soul / my life as well it just doesn't seem to "work" for me.

thanks again for the support I have received.

I am so tired of all of it, so very tired of the battle.

Oh Cat

I know you've had a rough time on this thread but please don't be put off posting. Sometimes we all need a hand hold - even if that means just having somewhere to vent. God knows you've got more than enough to vent about love.

You know as well as the rest of us what aibu is like. Have you thought about starting a thread in relationships that you could come back to when you feel like it, so you don't have to go through the whole back story again? You could link to some of your previous threads if you can't face putting things in a post? You could post in the place that is not referred to by name, but I don't know how long those stay active for - my personal feeling is that you need somewhere safe to go even if there is a gap of months at a time.

For those who just HAD to have the WHOLE story to be able to offer support , I hope IRL you show more compassion.

It wasn't that Cat. Well intentioned and helpful posters were getting a kicking for not knowing the backstory. They were then being told that there was a backstory, but not what it was. Not really cricket, that's all.

I hope things improve for you.

sorry if i misunderstood you arsenic,

I don't think anyone felt able to explain the situation when the OP had namechanged, I don't think.

I've reread the thread quite carefully and there was several not at all aggressive references by other posters to the fact that there was a back story here and not to be so harsh on the OP, there was more to the story and all that elicited was more aggression to the people who had noted that there was more to the story.

To be fair whilst the OP might have elicited more sympathy if she'd explained all the background she (possibly naively?) felt that she was only asking what he meant by his text and wasn't expected to be justifying why she needs to be in touch with her DC's by text during contact.

I feel like an interested bystander - I didn't get involved in OP's previous threads. I only remember them because they really were quite an unusual situation and they stuck in my mind. I have been quite taken aback at the tetchiness of posters who even when they realised that there was more to the story just used that in order to sound grumpy about the fact that OP hadn't informed them of all the details.

I exclude from this Powersnatch who was the model of graciousness when she realised that there more behind this and bowed out gracefully even whilst disagreeing with OP's DD posting without sounding like she'd swallowed a quart of battery acid!

That sounds like I specifically exclude Powersnatch and no-one else! What I mean is just that her very gracious posting stood out as a genuine desire not to make the OP feel worse than the situation already makes her feel.

Some other posted sounded just like they wanted to "win" the argument whatever the cost.

But it wasn't the OP doing the dripping Kew, it was others.