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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand this text (am I being thick emoticon)

180 replies

catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 18:28

STBXH has memory issues but refuses to allow me to to allow me to text during contact to check up on ds2 11 and ds 9.

I asked that stbxh does not obstruct dd 13 from texting / replying to texts so that i may check on ds's.

this is reply I got

"I wont stand in the way of any agreement that you have seen necessary to make with our daughter, no matter how lacking in utility"

WTF does that mean !!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:58

I dont want dd to be glued to her db. I want STBXH to have some method, ANY method to account for his memory issues. But he WONT. so either i have to rely on DD or there is no conact)

I have no sense of smell ( well virtually none) if I was in a situation that NEEDED a good sense of smell Id find ways to address it. especially if it compromised the safety of a child,

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 19:58

No OP the only people damned in this are the DC's.

Your ex has memory issues you know this but have chosen to allow unsupervised access.

You now have to decide what is best for your DC.
Is it really practical to have 2 hour contact? I can't see how it would be. It definitely made no difference this time.

Asking DD to stay with her brother constantly is going to make her and him miserable. Not really fair when they are spending time with their father that it should be a sad affair.

You need to look at another option. The only one I can see is speaking to your children on their return.

Tobyjugg · 23/11/2014 19:58

FWIW "lacking in utility" is a US legal term.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/11/2014 20:01

I'm not sure he should have unsupervised access to be honest.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 20:02

thanks for that toby, just the sort of thing my dsis would have looked up and used.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 20:05

Im playing a guessing game as far as his condition is concerned

I have to reply on anecdotal evidence from the DCs as to how his memory is.
It was only the head injury incident that highighted how much his memory is still affecting him.

OP posts:
MerrilyWatkins · 23/11/2014 20:08

There is a massive back story here and people are being unnecessarily harsh towards the OP. OP you are definitely NBU. In fact you are a bloody saint.

fluffyraggies · 23/11/2014 20:08

There must be a procedure to follow if a parent requesting unsupervised contact is medically not up to providing safe care, but is in denial of it.

Could you speak to your GP for advise, OP?

Grasping at straws for you. It's what i'd do i think.

Better to sort this out properly than burden the kids with it.

fishfingersfortea · 23/11/2014 20:09

How can the OP restrict contact to 2 hours if her stbxh refuses to admit to having a problem?

FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 20:10

Merry I am not psychic so unless the OP gives over the back story I can only go by what she has posted and my replies in that context are not harsh. I applaud you for your historical knowledge on the OP but it is not something I have.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 20:11

merrily : thanks for that. I'm no saint , feel like I'm seen as the " bitch , queen from hell" most of the time lol

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/11/2014 20:13

Flossy.

Given that other posters have made reference to the back story, do you think that might be a clue that there is one and perhaps back off a bit?

ArsenicSoup · 23/11/2014 20:16

People aren't psychic. They can't intuit the existence of a backstory Confused

FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 20:17

Why sock?

Oh right so that means I am not allowed an opinion then?

Regardless of a back story the 2 hour texts are not working as proven on this thread so now she is making her DD stay with her brother at all times. Do you honestly think this will address the issue/fix it? No it won't so the OP needs to start looking at other options. She either trusts him and them or she has to re-think unsupervised contact.

Do you think it is fair that the DD has so much responsibility put on her young shoulders?

My intention was not to upset the OP but I hope she can see how her "solutions" will not solve this long term problem.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 20:18

flossy , it would take far to long to explain.

Massive interference from close relatives, lies. obstructive behavior all from the people I should have been having support from. ( though I did have help from others) STBXH mood swings, violence, aggression

its hard to actually "get" that when someone has a memory problem they forget stuff ALL stuff, its not the ordinary "foggy brain" we all get. the memories aren't just forgotten, its like they were NEVER there.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 20:21

FLossy

your "solution" was that I ask the dcs when they come home and if they cant remember to tell me then THEY have a memory problem.

So I don't think I shall take any of your "advice" than.k you

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 20:23

I know how badly ABI effects not only the person but those around them.

The steps you are putting in place will not solve that nor will they make contact time good for anyone. You need another solution OP. You are putting a lot on your DD and she will not thank you for it.

FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 20:26

your "solution" was that I ask the dcs when they come home and if they cant remember to tell me then THEY have a memory problem.

No OP I think you will find I asked if your DS had memory problems because you said he forget to tell you until bed time. If you are going to quote me please do so correctly.

I still don't see the problem with asking a 9 yo, 11 yo and 13 ( I think) yo about their contact time. I don't understand why this is an issue for you.

raltheraffe · 23/11/2014 20:28

Sorry if I have missed this somewhere on the thread but why does he have memory issues? Has he had a head injury or does he have a MH Dx?

raltheraffe · 23/11/2014 20:30

Has he smoked a lot of pot? I have a relative who has smoked vast quantities of it for about 25 years and he has impaired ST memory.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 20:34

flossy quote : "Your DS is the one who bumped his head and he forgot to tell you about it until bed time does he have memory issues too?"

my paraphrasing

your "solution" was that I ask the dcs when they come home and if they cant remember to tell me then THEY have a memory problem.

pretty close I think

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 20:35

no ABI. no pot.
massive mental health breakdown 4 years ago, initially diagnosed as early onset altzimers.

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 20:39

In regards to your DS, I did not say that about all your DC and you have taken my comment out of context as you were berating your ex for forgetting and my point to you was your DS is the one who banged his had and he forgot too.

In truth OP you are not willing to try another solution. You want this constant control over access no matter what pressure it will put on your DD or how difficult it makes contact time.

You have options, continue as you are which you yourself has stated DD is not happy with, stop unsupervised contact or speak to the DC when they come home.

Itsfab · 23/11/2014 20:44

How safe are the children with him? If he takes them out somewhere does he remember he has them if they all go off to play on the swings, or to the loo at the same time? Does he remember to feed them?

Emstheword · 23/11/2014 20:47

YABU...either your husband is capable of unsupervised access or he isn't. I'm sorry OP, but texting every 2 hours is controlling and ridiculous, as is expecting your 13 yo to monitor things. You either need to back right off or go to court to arrange suitable visitation.