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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand this text (am I being thick emoticon)

180 replies

catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 18:28

STBXH has memory issues but refuses to allow me to to allow me to text during contact to check up on ds2 11 and ds 9.

I asked that stbxh does not obstruct dd 13 from texting / replying to texts so that i may check on ds's.

this is reply I got

"I wont stand in the way of any agreement that you have seen necessary to make with our daughter, no matter how lacking in utility"

WTF does that mean !!!!

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 23/11/2014 18:58

Is utility really supposed to be unity?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:01

Ds 9 did tell he bumped his head but not until nearly bed time.

It is not having an accident that is the problem , that happens to all parents and all kids, its knowing about it afterwards e.g. head injury report from school / nursery etc

I am sure STBXH is more than capable "in the moment" to deal with the dcs its of the effect of his memory problems need to be addressed.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/11/2014 19:02

His memory is that bad? Crikey.

DoJo · 23/11/2014 19:02

It sounds as though he is feeling defensive and believes that your insistence on texting is tantamount to telling him he is incompetent and unable to care for your children properly on his own?
How did you manage times when he was on his own with the children when you were together? Would you have texted? Would he have objected?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:03

STBXH can text anyone he likes, or write it down, whatever, just needs somehting

OP posts:
FarelyKnuts · 23/11/2014 19:04

Their father can't remember anything past two hours and they have unsupervised access with him?
How does he function day to day with a two hour memory? Hmm

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 23/11/2014 19:06

Why do you need so much text contact? I can understand why you would want it but I don't see why you should need it.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:06

he did agree for me to text him after the contact when Ds hit his head.

NExt contact ds hit his head again ( hes a clumsy chap) and STBXH refused DD request that " you said you would text mum" and then put pressure on DD to not text me herself.

OP posts:
HelloItsMeFell · 23/11/2014 19:07

Sorry but it sounds to me as though you may be using his 'memory issues' as a way of exerting/maintaining control for some reason, and as a means to subtly undermine him. I think perhaps you should cut him some slack and trust the children to inform you of anything you really need to know. If there was a serious emergency of any sort then I'm sure he'd remember to tell you. For example, how badly could DS have hit his head really, if the other two DCs didn't even know it had happened? Hmm

What sort of 'thinking of ways around the issue' did you have in mind? You seem to be treating him like a child. How bad are his memory issues?

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 23/11/2014 19:07

Ok, cross posting!

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 23/11/2014 19:08

Do you have a formal agreement for access and did it take into account the memory issues and care?

FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 19:09

I am sure STBXH is more than capable "in the moment" to deal with the dcs its of the effect of his memory problems need to be addressed.

Then why are you texting every 2 hours?

All your DC are capable of telling you what has gone on in their day so why do you need contact every 2 hours?

Your DS is the one who bumped his head and he forgot to tell you about it until bed time does he have memory issues too?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:09

his memory is ok but only ( as far as I am aware) is fully functional for about 2 hours.

It used to be 3 minutes ans the last report I had access to had his memory int he bottom 1 percent of the population ( though that was 2 years ago)

He manages day to day with a lot of support.

And it a "rolling" memory as it were.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:12

Your DS is the one who bumped his head and he forgot to tell you about it until bed time does he have memory issues too?

would you be ok with your child's school saying this to you if your child bumped his head in the play ground .

my ds does not have memory issues hes just a typical 9 year old who doesn't think that a bumped head is important.

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 19:14

OP you either trust him to have unsupervised contact and leave the 2 hour texting so that he can spend time uninterrupted with his children or you re-think the contact arrangements.

Do you realise what he must feel like to have you constantly checking up on him/controlling the situation? How would you feel if it was him sending texts every 2 hours to check the kids are safe?

FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 19:15

But he wasn't at school he was with his dad. Do you inform your ex of all the bumps/bruises the child sustain in your care?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:16

If there was a serious emergency of any sort then I'm sure he'd remember to tell you

He forgets stuff, no matter how important ,he forgets.

I sent up a camera to him with the DCs. evening of day 1 " Oh how wonderful, my camera" morning of day 2, sees camera bag "Oh whats this, Oh my camera , how wonderful !" he had forgotten about it complexity.

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 19:19

Lets face it OP you don't think YABU so there is not really any point in asking is there?

By the way forgetting a camera is not a life or death situation. You have already said you feel he would be capable in the moment and your DC's are old enough to give you any details should he forget so I am finding it really hard to see how you can justify 2 hour texting Confused

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:19

Do you inform your ex of all the bumps/bruises the child sustain in your care?

no I dont,, but if I were sending a dc to a friends house for a sleep over and they had badly hit their head that day I would give the other mum the information ( If I were to send them at all that is)

Its not about reporting every bump or bruise just significant ones that the main carers is not aware of and then has care of afterds.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:21

Would you expect your school to leave it up to your 9 year old to tell you of a head injury at school ?

OP posts:
WhereTheWildlingsAre · 23/11/2014 19:22

To be fair, flossy, op never asked if she was BU, she just wanted the text explained. Perhaps should have posted in chat? Or relationships?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 23/11/2014 19:23

it doesn't matter that the camera was "life or death" he forgets stuff, all stuff, whatever stuff,

Im dammed if I do and Dammed if I dont.

If I stop contact Im dammed,

If the dcs come to harm because of his memory ( and I AM aware of it before hand) then Im dammed as well.

OP posts:
WhereTheWildlingsAre · 23/11/2014 19:23

If you have concerns about care, surely that should be raised when formalising access arrangements?

fishfingersfortea · 23/11/2014 19:23

I may be wrong OP but are you the poster whose sister was coming between you and your DH by taking over his medical appointments and advising him?
Sorry if I'm wrong

FlossyMoo · 23/11/2014 19:25

I'm confused???

How any Dc do you have OP?

In your OP you say text during contact to check up on ds2 11 and ds 9.

Then in the next post you say time as last time ds3

Then you go on to say I have asked DD to make sure she is with the ds this coming contact time .