to not understand this text (am I being thick emoticon)

[catfourfeet]

STBXH has memory issues but refuses to allow me to to allow me to text during contact to check up on ds2 11 and ds 9.

I asked that stbxh does not obstruct dd 13 from texting / replying to texts so that i may check on ds's.

this is reply I got

"I wont stand in the way of any agreement that you have seen necessary to make with our daughter, no matter how lacking in utility"

WTF does that mean !!!!

oh bugger , un-mumsnetty huggs have made me cry

Your DD's involvement in this thread is not appropriate at all.

YY

I think this thread has shown MN at its worst.

OP. I can understand why you do what you do.

The fact is, this is a broken family, with one parent refusing to acknowledge a debilitating illness.. At nearly 14 the dd is old enough to effectively babysit her siblings.

In many families, this DD could effectively be the carer. Not great but this is the Real World, not some perfect morale high ground utopia. The children WANT to see their dad. He is not at the stage of admitting a problem. The law is expensive and really, at this exact stage, what could it do?

One solution is to perhaps contact SS for advice? Though I know I wouldn't do anything more than speak to them anonymously. Or speak to their school?

OP, this is your family. You live in stressful circumstances. I wish you luck and the power to make the right decision. Maybe just reply to your DD's texts. Imagine her as a trusted babysitter who will get in touch if there is a problem. She sounds mature and she has experience with your family dynamic.

The posters who don't think 13/14 yr old talk to strangers on the Internet. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Of course, in your families YOU have complete control over them but even at the best schools, with the naicest parents, you would be horrified at what goes on.

If there was a serious emergency of any sort then I'm sure he'd remember to tell you.

'He forgets stuff, no matter how important ,he forgets.'

Yes perhaps, but my point was that if it was an emergency or something that was essential for you to know, he is perfectly capable of understanding the importance of the situation and telling you immediately. Not in two or four hours, by which time he's forgotten.

so imagine:

OP texts 1 hour after lunch: What did the DCs have for lunch?

OP's ExH: Cheese sandwiches

OP texts four hours after lunch: What did the DCs have for lunch?

OP's ExH: Um, I'm not sure, ham sandwiches maybe?

Who cares, and why does it matter?

ExH phones OP IMMEDIATELY: DC has fallen off a swing and broken ankle and we are going to A&E.

There we are, you see, he hasn't forgotten, because it's important enough to warrant immediate contact.

Look, your children are old enough to understand that their father has a medical issue and they are old enough to know if he's feeding them too many aspirin or whatever, and to be a bit vigilant where it matters. Many children live full time with parents who have far worse issues than this and they come out relatively unscathed.

Either lighten up and put some trust in him/them and stop the controlling/infantilising of him, of if you genuinely believe his problems to be so severe that the children are unsafe in his care then you should rethink whether he should be having unsupervised access AT ALL.

He's saying do it, but he thinks it's pointless.

Utility just means usefulness. Nothing deeper.

His memory can't be as bad as you're saying or he wouldn't be able to hold a job, drive a car, or function day to day. If he can't function day to day then you need to file a report that he is too disabled to be fit as a parent. If he is fit to be a parent then he needs to be held accountable.

I have ADHD which affects memory. While things get forgotten, important things do get remembered. A small head bump that was obviously fine isn't an important thing to remember any more than what you had for breakfast that morning. DD bumps her head all the time (learning to walk), I know she's fine so I put it out of mind. I wouldn't think to mention it to DH every time he came home.

If DH marked me off as incompetent because I did a few air headed things like forgetting my camera, washing my hair twice, forgetting my lunch in the microwave, etc... I'd be pissed off too.

You are either having serious anxiety around an otherwise competent parent, or he needs to apply for disability. There are things you can do for memory. Alarm reminders, writing things down, making lists, etc... But you are just giving him an easy out for incompetency at best, and being overly critical at worst.

He is half their parent too. He is a competent adult. If the kids are alive and well at the end of the day, he's doing fine. No need to worry. If the kids have something happen, that's on him, not you.

Two hour texts and making your daughter watch your son over a small head bump... ridiculous.

She should not be involved in your petty dispute. You have dragged her in way too far. Why is she even on this thread? She is your daughter, not your mate. You want people to take your side and support you, you get a support group, you don't put your children in adult roles for your own selfish reasons. You either take this to the courts and let them assess or you back off. But you can't sit there stressing every two hours, that's a sign of mental illness too.

If he seriously has a problem, you are only enabling him by giving him a crutch. If he doesn't you're passing your own anxiety onto your children about their father.

At nearly 14 the dd is old enough to effectively babysit her siblings

of course she is, but it isn't her job!

please read

As others have stated ^ , there is a back story her. Not a bit of a back story of the "he said/ she said" variety, but a mahoosive, ugly, vile back story that never fails to make me feel sick just thinking about it.

Cat has said ^ that there was a problem with interfering relatives. That is probably the biggest understatement I have ever read on MN.

To those of you who think that Cat's requests are obsessive/ manipulating her dd into babysitting could not be more wrong. She is trying desperately to make sure her dc get to see their father. This is a man who changed completely, virtually overnight, into a complete stranger. Can you imagine being in that situation? To have the man you love and have a wonderful family with effectively disappear right before your eyes? And then to have him physically taken away from you by what can only be described as nasty relatives who think they know best?

Cat you're amazing. Facilitating contact sounds so difficult, and I don't suppose it is helped at all by that bitch of a sister of yours. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Wishing you peace xx

The posters who don't think 13/14 yr old talk to strangers on the Internet. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Of course, in your families YOU have complete control over them but even at the best schools, with the naicest parents, you would be horrified at what goes on.

I think you will find no body said that so stop trying to be smart it isn't working

What posters said is that they wouldn't encourage their 13 yo to talk to strangers on the internet not that we think they don't.

"This is MN at it's worst", you are correct when posters resort to using their children to post on the thread to win support.

I think it meant to say futility this would make more sense. He just missed off the 'f'.

Hello again Cat. So sorry that your H is still playing up, you must be destroyed. I take it that his text was yet another 'straw' moment.

It must be utterly demoralising having to contend with this, still. It's got to be 2 years now? I expect you spend so much time second guessing yourself, how you haven't lost the plot yourself I'll never know.

So sorry you are having to rely so heavily on your DD, she sounds content though and if his memory has improved to 2 hours maybe there is hope - a little light at the end of the tunnel? He started with what? 10 mins? Maybe one day he will be able to look back and realise everything he put you and your children through, him and your bloody sister.

Just remember how strong you are. You must be - you have been through so much, stuff I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Yet you are still here, still going, still keeping a roof over your heads and your children safe. And your children - wow. The fact that they still love their father, still want to see him, is testament to YOUR tenacity, YOUR strength and YOUR love.

You can do it mate, you are damn near superwoman
Take care.

OK just had a quick look at the backstory, haven't read it all but have got the gist.

I'll be honest cat from what I've read so far I am getting a few red flags but I will refrain from saying what I think as your DD may well be reading this and I think you have massively crossed a line in allowing her to see this thread. it may have been her choice to post on it, but I think if you are going to discuss her father all the complicated issues that affect his parenting and don't think she should even be aware of this thread's existence, never mind be allowed to contribute to it and to read the backstory.

Very bad form indeed. Poor kid.

Although, that 'poor kid' has actually been living in this hell for 4 years, seeing what her father and Aunts have done, been near homeless, been neglected and watched her mum destroyed.

Poor kid indeed, but not because her mum let her post on this thread.

Fell - Cat name changed. The threads under her old username were heartbreaking. You might be aware, you might not be, but trust me when I say that getting the gist probably doesn't give the whole story.

ok, it may not haven even the very best of ideas for her dd to know about this thread, but I'd imagine she's at the end of her rope. Dd knows the full story - she's lived it. And Cat has so little support that things are bound to slip outs n front of dc - how many people going through a "normal" separation say something in front of dc that may not be 100% appropriate?

But your last sentence is unfair. Way to go trying to make her feel worse about a situation that many of us would utterly crumble at

Not her job to be a babysitter. Well, actually, in these circumstances it appears it is. I would have taken on that responsibility happily at 13. especially if it meant my siblings and I could see my dad for an afternoon FFS. It's hardly coal mines.

Boundaries do appear to be too blurred but i am quite sure that they are in many, many families. I think OP needs far more support that most on here, obviously. She needs the support that helps her not to be texting every couple of hours and not to lean on her eldest as much. Kicking the boot in says more about the poster than her.

Oh Cat - I think I remember your story which was horrific at the time.

What are your options here? You do need to move forward in some way or other.

X post with Eve who, as usual, is far more succinct and coherent than I could hope to be.

Holy %#^ Cat* I've just seen one of your threads under a different username (ie not the one I originally thought of)

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this

MN at it's worst

Well it's a semi-secret drip-feedy mess with 13 year olds invited on, so yes, probably best deleted really.

Holy %#^ Cat I've just seen one of your threads under a different username (ie not the one I originally thought of)*

Correction: more than semi-secret.

Arsenic, trust me on this PLEASE - Cat needs support, not snide comments

Please, I'm begging you Mumsnetters, this is someone who truly needs some love, support and compassion. Please.

Ok here we go ........

Ds hit his head badly enough that just before bed he said " mummy my head is still hurting" and when he scrunched up his eyes there was still swelling.

Not noticeable when he was dropped off, no redness, no scrape etc.

Just the sort of injury where the force of impact has gone into the head rather than the soft tissue, exactly the sort of injury that needs a close eye.yes he was fine, should I have been told Yes

STBXH does not hold down a job, he does not live unsupported, he needs help organizing his life on a daily basis.

But many, many parents are in exactly that position and parent beautifully.

I have asked STBHX for any solution he is happy with , keeping in contact with someone else, making a note ANYTHING and he refuses. Getting DD involved is my last resort so that he CAN have contact time.

and to the poster who expects a 9 year old to remember the timings and type of medication they have been given really ?? I mean REALLY. and Im castigated for allowing by nearly 14 year odl read two sides of a story that is.her.life.

Bulb and Hello you.just.dont.get.it you just dont.

its not that he forgot about a camera he forgot it even exsisited.

"If the kids are alive and well at the end of the day, he's doing fine. No need to worry. If the kids have something happen, that's on him, not you"

The kids were not "well at the end of the day"

and if something happens its not "on him" as their PC its on ME.

Arsenic, trust me on this PLEASE - Cat needs support, not snide comments

Fair enough, I believe you and I hope it all works out for the OP, the part I can figure out doesn't sound good.

But posters replying on the basis of what is on-thread don't deserve a kicking for not being party to the secret info either.

Sorry Oh but it is very difficult. I have posted based on the OP.

She did not give any back story away, has drip fed throughout, brought her DD on to the thread and a handful of posters are playing silly games with the whole "Ooohh we no whats going on, we know her other nn there is history be kind, your all mean". I personally don't think that is of any help to the OP, it's like some secret club that silly little girls play at.

If the OP needs that much support then she should seek it in RL.

I stand by every comment I made on this thread regardless of history. The situation is not workable and as the RP the OP has to put the children first.

OK fair enough, there is obviously more to this than I am aware of and of course things will slip out in front of the children when you are at the end of your tether with your ex, I get that. And I get that at 13, having lived though whatever traumas you are all referring to, the DD will have a pretty clear enough idea of what's going on already. But that doesn't mean she should still be protected from hearing more than is necessary. No child enjoys hearing one parent criticise the other, never mind being invited to witness it and to contribute.

This hasn't 'slipped out' has it? The OP must be drawing her DDs attention to the thread in the first place and treating her as some sort of confidante or counsel and I'm sorry but I do feel uncomfortable with that. She is only 13 years old.

Anyway I have no wish to put the boot in further - it's clearly a very complex situation and if she is already having a very bad time I was wrong to say anything to make her feel worse, so I apologise and I am going to leave this thread.