To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

Let's face it, the breastfeeding is fairly important. I'd be livid and starving at the best of times but when Bf, I think I would have killed her. When I was bf, I couldn't function a without eating almost constantly. But then my dcs all fed like my boobs would be home by morning.

It doesn't matter that only 2% of the country is vegetarian, a good host will look out for their guests!
ABSOLUTELY

its about manners and having a bit of class

A good host will provide a menu that happens to meet the dietary requirements of the few without the many even noticing

it would be really easy to make a xmas day starter that was either
smoked salmon or stuffed vegetables or both

and a main course that was dominated by the roast but included
baked squash and sweet potato in olive oil and some more of the stuffed veg and some nice steamed veg and maybe a tin of dahl quietly heated up and popped on the table

its not about anything other than manners

Movingonup - God how I would love to... that would be hilarious! Wish I had the balls!

I haven't said anything to DH about it privately.

Why??

This is beginning to sound weirder and weirder.

Do it.

But yeah, tell your dh so he can support you. He's not psychic.

gone by morning

I would not be going, end of, she is a rude, manipulative bitch & you have given her more than enough chances

Time fir change, you gave your own family unit, DH belongs with that & nit with his Adam now, he needs to grow a backbone & stand by you - small family Xmas at yours - nothing else needed , you will ALL enjoy it far more

Good luck x

I don't necessarily think she doesn't like you, there are people especially of an older generation especially the posh who see vegetarianism or any reaction to food except 'eat what you're given' (very wartime boarding school) as a cross between a moral fault, an eating disorder and an unfortunate disability - and they don't like disability much either. My mother was invited to a VEGETARIAN WEDDING, you should have heard her chuntering. She was amazed to report that she'd enjoyed the food and had enough to eat. And she's a trained cook

Do you not have cosy chats on the phone with her about her plans for the day, including the food? 'Oh, goose, how fabulous, DH always said the one you did two years ago was your best ever. Can't wait to see it. I'll have to think what I can bring for myself that will look good on the table, maybe a nut roast?'

WorraLiberty - I guess I was hoping maybe I was being unreasonable and that I shouldn't expect anything special for me! DH also clams up if I ever criticise his family.

Will just say again DH is a wonderful husband! Is he maybe a bit spineless? Maybe, when it comes to rocking the boat. But I couldn't have lucked out more in marrying him, he's the best man I know .

Wish I had the balls!

Well, get some. Because this is becoming a pattern now (the Christmas non-dinner), isn't it? One, twice -shame on them. But the 3rd time? You know what you're going to get, so it seems that complaining about it but nothing marks acceptance.

"and how many times can we stress the word BREASTFEEDING. this might be a record"

I don't know if you have or haven't breastfed, none of my business, and I know everyone's experiences are different. But personally, the hunger that came with breastfeeding, was so so extreme.

Bowing out now. OP, do what you want. When your child is old enough to ask why Mummy doesn't get dinner at Christmas, maybe you'll boot your husband up the arse then.

If not, when your child is an adult, and she remembers, then looks at her Dad and asks why he didn't have the balls to say no to Grandma, maybe it'll help her set that bar a little higher in the relationship stakes.

Just take your own food for goodness sake. Don't turn it into a drama, or is that the whole point?

Your MIL hates you.

Do. Not. Go.

That is all.

Why have you not spoken to your DH about it? That makes no sense at all!

I can't believe he sat there and let you eat a plate of peas. It's time he grew up and had a word with his DM.

Don't go. Have a lovely little family Christmas. Tell DH that unless you're made to feel welcome and fed properly you aren't going.

DayLillie - Yeah I know I thought the same! There's none of that - and no crisps or nuts or things in bowls. It's all weirdly spartan!

What happens when your DD is old enough and she chooses to be a veggie?

Will you both just sit there and let her eat peas and carrots too?

The dynamic between your husband and yourself seems a little odd. You've never mentioned to him privately that his mother can't/won't make you Christmas dinner. However, if you now decide she doesn't actually want you there, you're prepared not to go and ask dh if you can have christmas at home. That's quite a leap.

I hope you do feel able to do this. I suspect it will be lack of backbones all round and veg for you.

Er... dirks house sounds so welcoming

Indeed, faddy eaters are truly not welcome although I will bend over backwards to accomodate dietry needs for medical reasons.

I understand that Bair but tbh 7 pages of the same post ending with "OMG BREASTS" is getting comical.

Speak to your MIL, HedgePony, you could get it sorted this weekend. Don't let this get to 3 years running & don't wait about for DH to do it for you.

Your mil wants you to conform to her choice and it's her pa way of saying that. Your dh needs to start getting some balls, he's bloody weak to not stand up for you. If he wont stand up for you over dinner, why do you have any confidence in him? Why would he stand up for you if something bigger kicks off?

Why dont you have dinner together? The two of you are a family ànd could eat and spend together.

Is it easier to speculate on what your DH thinks, what your DD will do when she is old enough or TAKE YOUR OWN FOOD? FGS how hard is it to pack up a lovely hamper of treats for yourself to eat instead of all this angst?

My own DM would have absolutely no idea how to cater for a vegetarian, it really would be beyond her capabilities.

This is not a class issue at all. You are using the differences in your upbringing to excuse bellendery, when all it is is bellendery, plain and simple. Nobody, nobody invites someone over at Christmas and only feeds them peas, and then does the same 12 months later unless they are a bellend. Nobody.
Nobody sits and eats a full meal while their breastfeeding wife eats a bowl of peas, followed by another bowl of peas, without saying a word and then does the same the next year, and the year after that because they are a bit posh. They do it because they don't give a fuck whether the person they are supposed to love more than anyone else in the world A) gets fed or not and B) is made to feel like a total outsider.
If you don't want a Christmas at home then maybe you could wangle an invitation to the Hitlers.

How on earth does you DH 'love' these family Christmases when his wife is presented, in spectacular passive aggressive style, with a bowl of peas? Does it not take the shine off?

This is not a class issue at all. You are using the differences in your upbringing to excuse bellendery, when all it is is bellendery, plain and simple. Nobody, nobody invites someone over at Christmas and only feeds them peas, and then does the same 12 months later unless they are a bellend. Nobody. 15 people and cold leftovers, for tea, on Christmas day

From my lower class perspective, this is a pretty poor do and very poor hosting, upper class or not.

I find it very strange and worrying that a) Your husband doesn't care that all you get for Christmas dinner is a plate of peas and b) You can't even talk to him about it.

In a healthy relationship you would be able to talk about this quite easily, and your husband would be supportive of you. I also don't understand why you can't take along your own food.

I am not vegetarian, but it wouldn't worry me at all if I had to take my own food if I had different dietary requirements. Although, in an ideal world, your MIL would cater for you in the first place.

She can't be that upper class because she clearly has no manners.

vegetarian. is hardly faddy.

It's a damn sight easier than it used to eb and only a bitch determined to prove a point would fail to put a seconds thought into it and realise that the veg potatoes and a stuffing and some granuals can all be vege friendly while you tuck into the meat.

hell its even possible to do vege pigs in blankets if you can be arsed.

no effort required. It's just mean and selfish