To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

I could do with losing a few pounds before Christmas.

If any other veggies on here are in the same boat, I suggest we turn up at the MILs and Dirks on a regular basis over the next 4 weeks. We'll be bloody starving but think of our thighs !!

I've never heard such nonsense.Your DH is a wuss,your MIL is a nasty piece of work and you need to get a grip and stop letting people walk all over you.Either don't go or if you do tell her in advance that you would like food that you could eat;it's not hard to do a veggie option is it?And don't ask for a crappie veggie tart even though it may come from Waitrose.I don't give a stuff what class she imagines she is.She's just rude.I don't know anyone who'd do this whether family or not.I really can't get my head round your DH's attitude to this.

The first year there were about 20 of us in a big room so I don't think he even saw my plate

Unless you became a vegetarian as you were all taking your seats then surely he didn't need to see your plate. He would have known.

I'd be cross with granny, but crosser with dh.
Why are you feeling so lucky to have a husband that doesn't give a shit if you have Christmas dinner, just so he can have fun with his siblings? Would you do the same to him?

My ex-MIL looked at me like I had three heads when we first met and I said I was vegetarian but she always went out of her way to made sure I had something nice to eat when we used to go for Christmas.

"DH's family is very, very upper class."
No. They might think they are, but they're really not. Possibly they are rich, but they are very much lacking in class. To be so incapable of hosting guests - not upper class in the slightest.

OP, you really sound as if you are on denial about this situation.

Let's assume that, first year round, she had GENUINELY forgotten that you were vegetarian. She would have been mortified at her lapse in good manners and would have scurried to her kitchen to rustle you up a cheese sandwich or similar. She would never have made that mistake again.

Your husband just sat there, saying nothing, whilst his breastfeeding wife (who had given birth just weeks before) went uncatered for, and UNFED. And not only did he say nothing the, say nothing the year after, it sounds as if he is still saying nothing.

I don't give a shit if your MIL is a harridan. Your husband is being a fucking coward. He is LETTING THIS HAPPEN. He is letting his family completely disrespect you, and he is completely disrespecting you. It beggars belief that you still think he is a 'lovely man'. He's not even a man IMO, just a pathetic little mummy's boy.

You have several options here.

1. Allow this to continue. Sit there hungry every year while she smirks inside at being this much in control of everyone.

1. Take your own food. Let her get to the 'oh I forgot you were vegetarian' point, then produce something sumptuous from a large handbag. Coolly respond that you expected as much/she really should see her GP about her memory it could be dementia/she's no better than she ought to be. Let the shit hit the fan in the presence of the whole dysfunctional family.

1. Don't go. You have a toddler, it is time for new Christmas traditions. They (his family) can come round Boxing Day. Maybe. If they promise to play nice.

And finally -
" I haven't said anything to DH about it privately."
WHY NOT? I find this lack of communication very very strange. Has his supposed upper-classness hypnotised you into being so grateful that he deigned to notice you that you now do a damned fine impersonation of a doormat?

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park those tanks

You get peas for two years for christmas dinner and you haven't even had a conversation with your husband about it?

OP. Get some grit will you. Either take some food, order that pizza or stay the fuck home.

Its not difficult to cater for one veg meal. Even if it's a microwave bombay potato curry and rice or a microwave veg meal. It's not difficult to do roast potatoes in veg oil in a small roasting dish either. I's be tempted to have my own llunch at home and then turn up for drinks in the evening.

Hedgeponny you said....

We have been there for Christmas for the last two years as I don't really have my own family Christmas - my family are quite few and far between and disparate. DH loves his family and his family Christmasses, which is why we go there. We were going to go there this year too but if people are thinking she is doing it because she doesn't want me there, I had better have a re-think

I just wanted to say you and your dh and daughter could start your own family Christmas traditions with food and things you like, you do not need to go elsewhere.

I can't possibly say if your mother in law doesn't like you but she is certainly a dreadful host and very callous.

If I were in your shoes I would tell DH how I felt, how I had felt both years, and in my case this would be hungry, pissed off at MIL being so RUDE and inhospitable and also (if it were me) pissed off at DH for not noticing.

However, I sense you have not really told him how you feel and the first year you said he may not even have noticed, and you chose not to tell him. Are you not saying anything because you do not want to rock the boat? Sometimes (going to be sexist here) we women end up putting everyone else's needs before our own in a way that is not helpful to us and ends up not being helpful to anyone else either (IMVHO).

Once I had told DH how I felt I would have a chat about whether we would go to MIL for Christmas.

If the answer is no, then I would make a wonderful Christmas at home with DH and his help to cook a fabbo meal.

If it was decided that you wanted to go (you may enjoy seeing his family or just being elsewhere), I would decide whether or not to talk to MIL first or not. Whether you talk to her to clear the air or not is up to you of course; either way I remind her (politely) that I was veggie and what that meant I could not have! Spell it out, no meat and not veggies cooked in meat or with meat mixed in! Then (being a lazy cook) I would buy in all manner of lovely things for me and take them with me to MIL's in a cool bag to share so that I looked like a lovely, sociable, hospitable, generous person.

I am pretty sure next year she would make more effort but I think I would chalk up to experience that if I wanted to see MIL, or that side of the family, I would need to cater for myself (and I may even buy them suitably downsized gifts to make allowances for the cost of being a guest in their house).

The real thing I would want to work on here is my relationship with DH, communication with him so he knew when I was being treated badly, was upset and that we could together continue to build our new family life in the best possible way.

He may have a horrid, repressed, mean family but they are his family and it is unlikely he will want to never see them again. So they will be in his life and so, by extension, in your life. BUT you can control this situation and mineralize the impact on you and your marriage.

I am sure your husband is a lovely man. But he is now a family man, your family, and he needs to fulfil his role within your family - as your support. You can help him with this. He is not the enemy in this situation but he needs to take his role seriously (IMVHO).

Good luck.

I think that you should be ready to stand your ground OP, and get proactive with your MiL. This isn't your DH's problem, since he is eating a nice Christmas lunch, it's yours.

Phone MiL up this week and ask her what her Christmas menu is. If she doesn't mention anything for you to eat, tell her what you would like eg cheese tart.
Phone her again next week, and go through it all again with her.

On the day, be sure to pack a large picnic lunch for yourself.

When you get there, unpack your picnic, if she offers a meal for you eat it, if not, eat your picnic.

At the end of the day, if she hasn't provided anything for you to eat, as you are putting on your coat, state loud and clear "I will not be coming here next Christmas" and walk out without a backward glance.

She is a bully, do not let her bully you, especially about food and especially not at Christmas.

she needs to remember, you are the mother of her grandchild. your dh needs to remind her too. have a lovely family christmas at home with you and DH. Insist on it, his turn to chose the christmas celebration last year (two years) your turn this year. I love spending time with my ILs, but I find it stressful, as so many different things going on, I like quiet ones myself. Last year, christmas day at home, lovely, but straight after, a week with the ILs. Two years running before that, with the ILs. This year, at home, DH, me and our two young children, and I can't wait.

Really, stay at home, and visit them on boxing day. This is YOUR christmas too, not just your DHs.

Stop being a passenger in the relationship.

my family are quite few and far between - apart from your DH and your DC.

Will just say again DH is a wonderful husband! Is he maybe a bit spineless? Maybe, when it comes to rocking the boat. But I couldn't have lucked out more in marrying him, he's the best man I know

He's the best man you know?

That would explain it then.

There are hundreds of thousands of men who actually couldn't sit and eat a slap up meal while their wives were in tears over being fed a plate of peas...and at a time when eating and nutrition is of the utmost important due to feeding their baby.

But if you don't know any men like that, I can quite see why you think your DH is so wonderful, and many other people on this thread think he's spineless and selfish.

OP I would take yourself a lovely nut roast or something and a sachet of rice - things you can microwave easily, or veggie curry as another poster said. I used to be veggie and never really had this prob I was always catered for.

Are you sure it's not just a big communication cock up?

Might mil have asked dh the forest year? And he could have said " oh don't worry, she loves veggies and potatoes and stuffing, and we always have cheese and biscuits" ( not thinking about goose fat), and mil has assumed you just don't eat meat, rather than no meat products, and so thinks you are being super wierd about food but doesn't like to say anything?!

You need to talk to your dh!

I cannot even understand why you go there for Christmas!
There is nothing that would get me through the door.
I find it even harder to understand how you and your DH have not had a conversation about this.

If it was a communication cook up.it wouldnt have happened twice. and she would have gone and got her something. anything. beans on toast. A pasta salad. anything other than serving a plate of peas

cock up

And why are you ASKING if you don't go this year. Why aren't you TELLING him that you are not going unless he speaks to his very classless mother and feels her to provide you with a proper meal?! You sound like you just accept everything that they dish up to you because you are cowed under your impression of their supposed upper classness, if that's a word!

Stop being such a wuss and stick up for yourself! What are you going to do in 10 years and your dc choose to be veggie and she does the same to them, just sit there and accept it? Because nobody would treat my kid like that and before you say she wouldn't treat your dc like that, why are you accepting it for yourself?!!

DH wouldn't have had to look at my plate before leaving the house to hunt for food. (His DM had no idea about vegetarian food).

My sister is hosting Christmas this year. Her dd, me and my dd are veggies and I will take the veggie main bit. She will not cook potatoes around the roast and will provide veggie gravy.

I haven't said anything to DH about it privately.

So you've sat there for two years allowing this to happen, and haven't even told your husband? Sorry, but you need to grow a pair yourself. He's wet, but you're either just as wet, or a martyr. After the first year you could have spoken to him about it, or her, or you could have just been sensible and rocked up to the second year with some food for yourself.

Buy a posh ready meal that can be popped into the oven for 30 mins, alongside the turkey. Take a large cheese with you for tea. The rudeness of this woman has got me really angry! How bloody dare she invite you and not give you a meal on Christmas Day. You'd be better off not going.