To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

[WorraLiberty]

Sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree where your DH is concerned.

But you keep on blaming your MIL if it makes you feel better.

It's not like your DH isn't a grown up now...

[NoelleHawthorne]

only 2 per cent of the country are veggie

[BikeRunSki]

My mother does this. I gave been veggie for 25 years. My dad was too...

I take secret bags of nuts and babybels with me when we go and stay.

[SisterMoonshine]

I just think that instead of taking Quality Street/ wines or whatever you usually go with - take a hamper of cheeses etc with a veggie tart or nut roast or something in it.

[nicenewdusters]

You're clearly going to go this year. Your husband won't say anything in advance or on the day, and nor will you. Your otherwise lovely husband will sit and watch you eat mixed veg, you will be hungry.

You can pick up a veggie option plus potatoes and veg from M&S or Waitrose (better not risk a "lower class" store in case your MIL faints!). When you arrive show her what you've bought and say you brought it to save her worrying about giving you anything different. If a miracle has occurred she will whip out her home made nut roast and say no need Hedgepony, this is for you !

If it's business as usual, what's she going to say ? Oh no need, I have a selection of root vegetables for you. Or is she going to throw it in the bin - I doubt it.

I've been a veggie for over 20 years and have never been humiliated by anybody serving me a plate of vegetables. They're not upper class and uptight, they're up their own a**e.

[MaryWestmacott]

It's a 'not liking you' thing or a 'not giving a shit about you' thing, not a posh thing.

And don't go this year! It's still 4.5 weeks away, it's definately still in time to cancel - but get your DH to do it tomorrow, he calls up and says "sorry not to tell you earlier mum, but we'd not coming on Christmas day. We're going to have a quiet one at home with just us and DD, but would love to see you on XXX day if you want to come over and see DGD."

or you call up and say "Hi MIL, sorry DH didn't call you sooner to say, but we won't be coming for Christmas this year, as I've not actualy been able to join in the Christmas dinner for the last couple of years so I think it's best we just avoid the day and we'd love to have you over on XXX day."

or you don't say anything, and he jsut goes on his own, you and DD have a lovely day and you sort out marriage counselling in the new year after realising given a straight choice, he'd rather you were upset than his mum.

[BlackeyedSusan]

fuck dh loving his family christmas... tough luck to dh . you are his family now and he can sod off thinking that his mother can get away with being so vile.

stay home. your toddler will probably enjoy it more.

[Nancy54]

I'm gonna totally go against the grain here. I think yabu!

Yes it would be nice if she cooked something else for you but it's not a restaurant and you do choose not to eat meat.

I'm a vegetarian and this has happened to me before and I really don't care!you can eat the vegetables and there's always bread, dessert etc to fill up on. It's really not a big deal.

[JudgeJudy79]

She sounds very passive aggresive!

Maybe it's time your hubby created some great new family Christmas memories at your house with you and your kids this year. It may make your MIL realise what she's missing out on

[catsmother]

If I had specific dietary requirements which someone would find genuinely difficult to cater for - e.g. due to the expense, and/or because illness/disability made it difficult for them to cook, and/or because I had severe allergies and didn't want to take a risk - then I would be happy to take my own food.

However, if rudeness and/or disinterest and/or laziness and/or spite was at the root of the problem, I would be very upset indeed to be forced into catering for myself within my so-called family.

The OP taking her own food won't make her feel any better about being excluded and snubbed.

[NancyJones]

Your DH is not a lovely man. No lovely man would sit by whilst his breast feeding wife sat down to a plate of peas for Christmas dinner.

Your mil is horrid and passive aggressive but he's your husband FFS! As in, you know, life partner!

He'd be put out with the wrapping in this house!

[TalkinPeace]

I admit I've not read the full thread
BUT
time to park your tanks on her lawn.
Take your own food
BUT
make it the sort of food that even confirmed carnivores like myself will drool over and wish they had been offered.

Take it in a cool bag ready to plonk in front of yourself before the plate of peas can be served
one plate per course if needs be

my menu idea would be ...
www.banquet-in-a-box.co.uk/Starters/Vegetarian-Starters/Somerset-Brie-And-Asparagus-Cheesecake.Html?cPath=6_25
followed by
www.banquet-in-a-box.co.uk/Main-Courses/Vegetarian/Mushroom-Cranberry-Brie-Wellington.Html?cPath=5_28

actually a greek stack of grilled aubergine and feta or multicoloured stuffed peppers could be fun

or equivalent

[rastamam]

yes, what about desert! surely your dh suggested you get more desert than anyone else since you had no dinner and were bf!? you should just tell her in advance youl bring something along to help out so she doesnt have to worry. This does really make me appreciate my mil who goes all out when making me a meal, every time!

[rastamam]

wow on banquet in a box what a great website!

[trufflesnout]

Ah I always enjoy some spousal bashing.

MN is usually very good at weeding out the genuinely wet husbands and giving them what for, and while I agree that your DH does sound a bit limp, I am a bit at the pasting he's getting.

It's not his fault that his mother decided to serve peas to his wife - was he spineless for saying zilch? Yes. But OP does have a voice too.

Take your own tarts, HedgePony, or just do Christmas at yours this year.

and how many times can we stress the word BREASTFEEDING. this might be a record

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

If I were you I'd out passive aggressive the bitch.

So you sit down to dinner and it's peas again. You say politely "sorry mil, is there anything else for me or just what's on the table?".

Mil gives usual bluster so you then stand up and say "not to worry, I'll sort it" and you get up from the table, leave the room and call a pizza. You do not return until the pizza arrives. If anyone comes to see if you are ok you must be on chipper, yet baffled form and pretend you don't know what they're getting at because It's All Absolutely Fine and you have sorted it all out and It's Fine.

Then when the pizza arrives you carry it ceremoniously into the dining room and place the entire box open on your plate. Perhaps push a few dishes out of the way with the back of your hand and maybe add some of the bloody peas. Then tuck in while visibly enjoying youself.

Make sure you order a delicious, yet stinky pizza

[BananaLeaf]

I had to bring my own veggie sausages to Xmas at SILS one year. But was told in advance that I would need to bring them....

[MommyBird]

My best friend comes to my house Christmas eve to our family party! Buffet and Booze. classy

She is the only veggie. We always buy her veggie options, a fair few. Why? Because I love her and would hate the thought of her going hungry.

That's what the host does.

The fact your DH sat there and ate a roast dinner with all the trimming whilst his BREASTFEEDING wife had to eat mixed veg

Sorry. He doesn't sound very lovely. Sounds like a knob.

[TalkinPeace]

BAZINGA
www.fortnumandmason.com/P-11718-the-vegetarian-picnic.aspx

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

As a veggie of over 25 years, I can safely say that I have always been catered for when invited to someone else's house. I always prepare a non-veggie dish (and my own veggie dish) when we have guests. My SIL, even when she has a huge gathering, ALWAYS provides me with a meal or, if it's a buffet, a platter with all of the veggie items labelled. I always offer to bring along a veggie option but she insists she's happy to cater and of course, I express my thanks.

It doesn't matter that only 2% of the country is vegetarian, a good host will look out for their guests!

[Silverdaisy]

You are obviously not going to change mil or Dh, who are both being rude. It must be a horrible dynamic to be around, which I sympathis with.

Learn to change your approach. Do you want to be a martyr again and sit and eat peas? I doubt it.

Take your own meal - it will make her look terrible. You will also be taking control and look less like a victim. Or as other said don't go.

[HedgePony]

Talkinpeace - Ha, I like your style, great idea!

Rastamam - Yes, to be fair, there was pudding. There was Christmas pudding (which I don't eat - nothing to do with the vegetarianism, just don't like it, not MiL's fault!) and also cheese and biscuits (which I did have).

Re DH - The first year there were about 20 of us in a big room so I don't think he even saw my plate. The next year there were about 12 of us so he would have seen (especially because his sister said pretty loudly when she looked at my plate that she felt sorry for me!). I haven't said anything to DH about it privately.

TBH - I could put up with not having much to eat this year (and take along my own veggie option and squirrel away lots of nuts and snacks and things in my bags!), if MiL were just being a bit of a rubbish/lazy host. I could deal with that. I just need to figure out if she is actually being passive aggressive and trying to let me know she doesn't want me there - in which case I won't go and will ask DH if we can just stay at home this year.

[DayLillie]

The supper sounds like shite too.

Where are the cakes, sandwiches (cucumber etc) cheese scones, Christmas cake. Even if it is just to look at and put away (obviously not for those who have only had peas and carrots .

Don't go back. Have a nice Christmas at home with your toddler.