To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

Another one who was with you until the fish. That's not vegetarian, that's fussy eating - certainly to someone of your MIL's generation, and I can see it would get her back up. But if she were a good host/caring MIL she'd cater for you regardless.

I simply can not believe that a woman sitting at a table with more than a dozen others was able to eat nothing but peas without it becoming a topic of conversation. Who the hell are these demi-royals who are too posh to make normal observations and conversation, but not posh enough to have staff who could sort out a problem with a menu? I'm agog.

So you decided to eat fish at peoples houses so as not to be 'difficult ' not because you wanted fish or any health benefits or anything? But you can't eat potatoes roasted in goose fat so as not to be 'difficult'?

One's a dead animal, one isn't.

People like you are the reason vegetarians get a bad name. I'm starting to see why your MIL doesn't make a separate meal.

The relevance of the fish eating is that it it is not at all unreasonable that mil assumed that as you eat fish (meat fromlivingcreature) then you probably don't have a problem with potatoes cooked in animal fats.

Look she still should have catered for you (assuming you made clear yourveryparticulat brand of requirements) but to be honest as the thread draws on you are coming across as a bit awkward and a bit of a martyr..

HedgePony,

Re your comment:-

"What I think I will do is this.

I will text her a couple of weeks to ask what I can bring and if she wants me to bring a veggie option for me. If she says yes (or doesn't reply, which is what she did last time I texted her to ask if I could bring anything in particular) I'll bring a tart or something. If she says no and I still get flipping peas I will call her out on it. I may generally be a bit meek but if someone is deliberately and obviously rude I am fully capable of giving it to them with both barrels!"

And, going forward, we'll stay at home next year. and every other year after that"

No to the above, stay at home this year instead.

Such conversations should also be done face to face, not via phone and certainly not via text message. That is really non communication and this is too important to be discussed via a bloody text message.

Its his mother and he should be sorting out this issue directly with her. If he cannot or will not you will have to sit him down as well and talk to him about how you are being disrespected here by his family of origin. You will sit down to yet another plate of peas otherwise for the third year in succession otherwise.

Unfortunately your DH is also part of the problem here because he is both unable and unwilling to stand up to his mother. He is likely to be far more afraid of her than he ever is of you.

My MIL is also a piss poor hostess and she would pull this type of stunt out of both meanness and spite. She does not like me either.

Im with Pinky. Ive been veggie forever but surely bf newborn overrules potatos in fat if you already eat fish to accomodate.

rastamam - OP said she doesn't want to discuss pescatarianism/vegetarianism on this thread, stop trying to draw her into an argument.

I really despise holier-than-thou veggies trying to 'lord it over' pescatarians as though their way is the only 'right' way. FOTTFSOFAWYGTFOSM!

Texting? What on earth good will that do?

You're all as bad as each other if you really are incapable of having an adult conversation. OP you sound an intelligent person, but on this I'm afraid it's "nul points!" as they say on Eurovision.

As a veggie myself, I have never done martyrdom, it weakens the cause sitting there 'suffering in silence' being all hard done-by when you can be tucking into some delicious grub if only you wanted to. But I sense you'd rather chase 3 peas around the plate instead.

Attila I've xposted with your comments, I think we're probably wasting our keyboard time!

Stack, no one is lording it over pescetarians, what an odd comment. But whether op is vegeterian is the absolute crux of the question.

Is mil unreasonable not to provide vegeterian meal? If op is vegeterian then absolutely (almost unanimous verdict). If op is not vegetarian, which it emerges 300 posts in that she's not then very differ spin on the issue.

No one cares a jot if people eat fish or not but the two different names are available and used for a reason as they provide a guide as to what you will eat to others and it doesn't help peoole trying to accommodate you if those descriptions are used incorrectly and sometimes can lead to offence being taken.

DH uncle is a vegetarian and I ask him to bring a vegetarian tarts to our home, because he will not even have food which has previously been used for cooking animals.

I buy a disposable roasting tray and use sunflower oil and do all the roasted veg in there. I steam the veg so he will have that to go with it and then make him vegetarian bistro like gravy.

I'm struggling with someone who'll eat fish not to be difficult, but who won't eat stuffing because it's been cooked inside a goose.

But I'm also struggling with why you don't simply say to your DH, "look, I find Christmas incredibly awkward with your mum because she doesn't understand what I do and don't eat at all and I'm hungry the whole time, let's not go this year."

Or just go round for Christmas tea - take some mince pies or other nibbles which everyone can eat.

"I really despise holier-than-thou veggies trying to 'lord it over' pescatarians as though their way is the only 'right' way."

I don't think anyone's lording it over anyone else - just that, if you eat fish, you're not a vegetarian. By definition. I say this as someone who happily eats both meat and fish in vast quantities.

I feel sorry for the dc. What a weird family.

Erm, not weird, thank you FreakinScaryCaaw. In many ways a lovely family, it's just that MiL is tricky.

Thanks for everyone who replied with sensible comments! Let's leave it there!

If you don't want a repeat of previous years, op open your mouth and speak up.

Yanbu. She is very rude not to cater for you. No need to cook only potatoes on offer in goose fat ffs! I am veggie. I never expect them to go to lots of trouble but how hard is it to do some quorn in the microwave, do plain mash and buy a tub of veggie gravy?! Then for later on a bit of quiche.. Not hard or time consuming.

If she isn't sure what to offer she should ask you or your DH.

He needs to speak to her about catering for you. If she won't, don't go and don't feel bad about it.

Mimsy - coconut oil is not hydrogenated. It is solid at room temp just because it is, not because it has been mucked about with. In fact, dieticians recommend we east that rather than butter, as it has no cholesterol. I even used to have it in tea, it's a great lip salve!

This thread is so funny!

Why do people get so heated at Vegetarians/pescatarians. The OP can eat what the fuck she likes (although cannibalism won't go down a festive treat) - It is rude to leave someone hungry in that way.

Dinnae worry pet. Just take a veg option and remind yourself it is only one day of the year.

You sound lovely.

OP, your MIL is a cow.
Your DH is a spineless wimp.

Now you need to decide whether or not you are a doormat.

If not, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS e.g. Talk to your MIL, take your own food, refuse to go etc.