To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

Oh and re the breastfeeding, MiL never breastfed her own children so maybe she doesn't appreciate how you really need to eat properly in order to do it. But that's by the by really - breastfeeding or not it's rude to let someone go hungry.

"I have never been sure if that's the right thing to do - I would be mortified as a host of someone felt they had to bring their own meal!"

Clearly your MIL won't as she has no manners. I would have no compunction at all about brining a veggie meal to have for my Christmas dinner under the circumstances. Along with everyone else on here I still don't understand why you can't tell your husband about this. It beggars belief.

I am not confrontational at all, but I know how to be assertive in a completely non aggressive way.

Does your MIL own a microwave BTW?

She'll cook fish (which I eat)

If you eat fish then you aren't a vegetarian! FFS.

Be HONEST with your DH - or you might as well say goodbye to your relationship.

If she isn't going to feed you then taking your own meal is fine. She probably won't mind, if she does - well she should have shown before now that she cares 2p for you.

But I wouldn't go - Christmas is too special to spend with someone like her.

But talk to your DH!!!!!!

I get the impression the OP is avoiding the bit about talking to her DH.

So do I. It is a bit odd. If I felt that I couldn't talk to my husband about something like this I would be very worried about the state of my marriage.

Theorientcalf - Haha, yes, I do, as someone above has just proven . Whether or not I eat fish (which I do occasionally) isn't really the point!

DH and his family are about the tightest-knit family going - they are like the flipping Waltons. They all think each other are wonderful and DH would never countenance the idea that his wonderful mother is being passive-aggressive. I did once tell DH about another occasion where his mother had said something very passive-aggresive to me but he just couldn't see it. Any criticism of her and he metaphorically sticks his fingers in his ears, shuts his eyes and goes "la, la, la".

have never been sure if that's the right thing to do - I would be mortified as a host of someone felt they had to bring their own meal!

I think that Christmas lunch is a bit different to other meals. For other meals you can easily just cook everyone a vegetarian meal (or in your case fish) but for many many people it wouldn't be Christmas lunch if they don't have Goose or Turkey. Therefore if vegetarians are present they end up having to cook two meals which can be a lot more effort.

My mother ends up running around like a blue-arsed fly every Christmas because my SIL is a vegetarian and my mother (being a good host) feels she has to cook her a separate vegetarian meal. My SIL and brother never lift a finger to help and the whole thing really gets on my nerves. My other brother and SIL (also vegetarian) usually do their own thing for Christmas but if they do visit my parents they always take some food to my parents so my mother doesn't have to do so much.

What I think I will do is this.

I will text her a couple of weeks to ask what I can bring and if she wants me to bring a veggie option for me. If she says yes (or doesn't reply, which is what she did last time I texted her to ask if I could bring anything in particular) I'll bring a tart or something. If she says no and I still get flipping peas I will call her out on it. I may generally be a bit meek but if someone is deliberately and obviously rude I am fully capable of giving it to them with both barrels!

And, going forward, we'll stay at home next year. and every other year after that.

Just take something anyway. Don't play the martyr.

I was with you until the fish eating thing. You are not a vegetarian. Perhaps your MIL, knowing you eat fish, knowing you are not therefore a vegetarian, just thinks you are being bloody awkward not eating the goose.

She should still cater to you. But you and your dh sound like the wettest pair I've ever heard of. You don't even talk to each other about it, let alone to the offender.

So why can't or haven't you spoken to your husband about this?

I've read the whole thread and the thing I find most disturbing is that you haven't/cannot speak to your husband about this.

During the meal of year one I would have been making eye contact with DH during the meal, to point out what had happened, and I would have discussed it afterwards - although to be fair he would have been asking his mum where my meal was, and going into the kitchen to organise something for me. He certainly wouldn't have tucked into a full meal while I sat staring sadly at my plate of two unadorned veg.

Look op be assertive, be assertive to your dh. If you don't speak up and make noise how are you going to get anywhere. I will repeat, first time shame on them, 2nd time shame on you! Do not allow your dh to support their behaviour towards you. Bring a plate of food with yourself anyway. When your dh asked you whether you had enough to eat, instead of mumbing, you should have said no I did not, I am very upset that twice in a row on Christmas day your mother did not provide any food for me, and that its not on!

I wouldn't expect someone to make an alternative, I would expect to take my own or something that can be shoved in the oven to be honest.

I don't think you should expect her to cook an alternative but I also think she is being unreasonable to not have asked you to bring something along if she isn't doing vegetarian food and for it to be obviously so passive aggressive.

And yes to the dh issue, that is the crux of the issue really.

You're not even vegetarian! Ffs this thread is getting more weird. Just take a fucking veg tart with you.

I wouldn't go back unless dh sorted it out with his DM before Xmas.

She is being extremely rude to you and I would not want to raise my dc to learn from her that this is acceptable behaviour AND to learn from you the response is to sit back and let someone treat you like this.

Why on earth would you sit there like a wet lettuce and not say "I can't eat this"

And why on EARTH can you not say to your DH "It's bloody rude of your mother not to provide for me, and I don't like it. I'm going to take a nut roast this year because I am not for sitting there starving whilst the rest of you dig in."

Talk to your DH.

You don't have to call his mother Passive-agressive, in fact by not mentioning the problem to him you are being passive-aggressive.
Just point out last year and the year before she provided very very little you could eat. Ask him what he thinks you should do. Make it clear you are not going to spend a day there not eating.

Do you drive? If so I'd make it clear if there is not a meal for you, you and DD will be leaving.

I have a feeling if you take our own dinner she'll say there isn't enough room for it in the oven.

So I think I would be staying home.

If she's going to say there isn't room in the oven, make a salad and take that.

Salad FrauH on Christmas day, noway! Take a plate of pre cooked food that you can warm up in the microwave so there is no, no room in the oven excuse. Yes don't just sit there mumbling like a blathering wreck, speak up! No there is not much to eat as I can't eat this! To dh, no I was upset that your mum for the second time in a row, did not cook any vegetarian food for me, so that I went hungry on Christmas day, this is not on! It does not matter, if your hosting you have to make sure ALL your guests are happy.

Sorry to derail, but I'm fascinated to know what roast potatoes cooked in goose or duck fat would taste like and how different that taste would be from roasties cooked in sunflower or olive oil.

I've been vegetarian for decades and I understand that most meats have a unique taste, but the fat? What does it taste of?