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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

611 replies

HedgePony · 22/11/2014 20:06

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 23/11/2014 11:26

... we have been known to just give up and get a takeaway.

Give up? I make vegan food for large groups all year round. Nobody ever flounces as they are just happy to be fed.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 23/11/2014 11:27

Why on earth would you be angsting like this about this and NOT have spoken to your DH?

Weird as.

Talk to him, tell him you were fucking starving and his mother was odd and rude and you're taking your own dinner or he's going on his own.

Fuckksake.

Chunderella · 23/11/2014 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHathaway · 23/11/2014 11:42

If your typical Christmas dinner is a Feast Of Meat then it is challenging to make it both vegetarian and meaty. Doesn't mean you can't use Google, just that you don't know what to search for. My vegetarian hates nut roast anyway.

I'm good at cooking a meat-free meal, but for me a roast dinner is firmly in the MEAT category, so I wouldn't tend to choose it for vegetarian guests on any other day of the year.

GrannyGoggles · 23/11/2014 11:43

Whereas I do agree that your DH should support you, in this situation I think you should ask her what she would like both of you to bring as your contribution. If she says she wishes to sort everything herself remind her about your vegetarian requirements. If she makes some suggestions without mentioning veggie options, agree to get that and add that you will bring something veggie as well, "to save her the bother."

Then follow up the conversation with a text, email or note confirming what had been agreed, but wrapped up in a lot of looking forward to a lovely family Christmas, toddler getting excited stuff.

Next step, get a stash of easy and delicious food that you'd be happy eating to take with you.

Be nice as pie on Christmas morning, be genuine with offers of help. Ascertain what your lunch option is. If it's peas again, quietly, with no fuss plate up your own food. Is she wants to have a pop, smile and suggest that you will be happy to discuss further at another time.

Be polite, be firm, be clear. Don't get drawn in to pleasing her or fearing confrontation. Behave like a reasonable adult, treat her like a reasonable adult, even though she clearly isn't. Your DH does need to support you, but in this case I think you need to 'own' the situation and handle it yourself.

GrannyGoggles · 23/11/2014 11:45

PS vegetarian son in law coming this Christmas, it's not tricky to accommodate with a bit of effort and good will. Ottolenghi is my friend

fatlazymummy · 23/11/2014 11:58

I'm a vegetarian who will be cooking 2 lots of meat on Christmas day. I usually have cauliflower cheese with vegetables for myself. There again I'm not into eating big dinners, so that will be enough for me.
I'm more surprised by the lack of choice for the evening - scraps of meat? Where are all the lovely nibbly bits, the cheese board, pickles, etc? Just sounds really disappointing all round, even for the meateaters.

mummytime · 23/11/2014 12:07

OP YANBU!

I wouldn't go. If they can't feed you then you aren't welcome, and so you and any DC shouldn't go.

Your DH can make up his own mind.

My DD was vegetarian for a while, and during that time went on an exchange trip to France, one of the least Veg friendly countries. The total strangers she stayed with made sure she could always eat (she did get a bit fed up of Brie).
If a vegetarian turned up at our door on Christmas day I would be able to feed them: eggs, cheese, milk, I even have tins of lentils and beans. I would never invite someone and not be able to feed them. Vegetarian is pretty easy my friends with Coeliacs are a bit more tricky.

razmataz · 23/11/2014 12:20

OP- this whole thing is very odd.

MIL is being rude, no question - and your DH sounds clueless and probably a bit spineless. On the other hand, I can't actually place that much blame on him if you've not even discussed it with him - if he didn't realise the first year and you didn't talk to him about it in year two he probably doesn't even think there's an issue.

Number one you need to talk to him - he doesn't have to get into a confrontation with MIL, but that doesn't mean he can't phone her up and ask her what she is cooking for you for Christmas dinner, or if she would like for you to bring something that you'd like to save her any extra effort.

Then what you do is bring something anyway - if she's cooked something great, if she hasn't you can produce your meal and say 'I brought this just in case' - she can hardly object if she's failed to provide something, particularly if she's been reminded in advance by your DH.

There is absolutely no need at all for you to sit here hungry and miserable - and if you do so then you have only yourself to blame.

daisychain01 · 23/11/2014 12:24

I have been vegetarian most of my life, and having been invited to countless family and extended family members houses to eat, I have never encountered anything remotely like this so am speechless at this issue.

If the DHs family are only a bad down the aristocratic hierarchy to the Queen, surely the MIL isn't going to be standing at the cooker getting hot and sweaty is she. I mean, don't they have staff these people?

I won't rehash what everyone else has said for the past 280 posts, but if a family cannot communicate a simple message about dietary requirements to each other, then I couldn't care less how much money they have in their Coutts account, they are socially inept. Feel sorry for them.

And who in heavens name only serves peas for Christmas lunch! Good grief. We jokingly talk about our "15 a day" on the 25th, there are so many gorgeous veg choices this time of year.

daisychain01 · 23/11/2014 12:25

Only a step down the aristocratic hierarchy ....

Mrscog · 23/11/2014 12:40

Totally unreasonable of her and your DH is an utter shit for not sticking up to you.

However you must have a will of iron to have endured breastfeeding hunger with roast potatoes on offer (albeit inappropriately cooked). There is no way I could endure that!

MooMaid · 23/11/2014 12:44

Is this thread for real??

You've done it two years in a row, you haven't spoken to your OH about it and you're not sure what to do this year??

Talk to your OH, get MIL to make you some food or just take your own flipping food. And wake your OH up to what's going on.

Some backbones are in order for multiple members of your household

whatever5 · 23/11/2014 12:55

I think that you are both unreasonable. She isn't a very good host to not consider your needs if you can't eat goose etc but you are also unreasonable to expect people to run around cooking different food for you than the main meal at Christmas. Why don't you take a vegetarian dish with you that can just be heated up or stay at home and cook your own food?

fatlazymummy · 23/11/2014 13:01

whatever they're not 'people', they're the op's family.

Emo76 · 23/11/2014 13:05

Why don't you cook something delicious and take it with you?

Bunbaker · 23/11/2014 13:09

Where has the OP gone? Have we frightened her off by telling her that she and her husband need to grow a spine?

Incidentally IMO roast potatoes cooked in olive oil are every bit as good as those cooked in goose/duck fat. I did get some goose fat one year but didn't find my roasties were any tastier or crispier than when they were cooked in olive oil.

Fluffyears · 23/11/2014 13:12

I would have walked out last year saying 'oh sorry I'll need to go home. As I'm a nursing mother I need to eat properly. I thought you realised last year I am vegetarian' then I would have gone home, stuck a Crimbo film on and are loads of lovely food in my Jammie's.

whatever5 · 23/11/2014 13:17

fatlazymummy Whether or not they are family they are still "people" aren't they Hmm

JackSkellington · 23/11/2014 13:18

Why don't you take a vegetarian dish with you that can just be heated up or stay at home and cook your own food?

What a lovely Christmas for the OP, staying at home all day on her own while the rest of the family eats together because her MIL refuses to make a small vegetarian meal. Hmm

I don't think YABU OP, I don't eat meat and when DP took me for dinner at MIL's house for the first time she called a few days beforehand to ask what I could and couldn't eat and if there was anything I particularly liked.

whatever5 · 23/11/2014 13:21

What a lovely Christmas for the OP, staying at home all day on her own while the rest of the family eats together because her MIL refuses to make a small vegetarian meal.

I meant stay at home with her DH and children not stay at home by herself!

JackSkellington · 23/11/2014 13:24

I meant stay at home with her DH and children not stay at home by herself!

Oops, sorry, I thought you meant on her own. My mistake! :)

That does sound like a better idea, it it's been 2 years and MIL hasn't changed, it's doubtful she will unless someone says something to her.

Original poster
HedgePony · 23/11/2014 13:33

I am still here!

Thanks for your replies. To answer a few questions:

  • When we eat at MiL's on other occasions, there hasn't really been a problem. She'll cook fish (which I eat) or do meat with veg and say cauliflower cheese, so I'll just have that.
  • Yes I do eat cheese and eggs and I'm not fussy about food generally - I just won't eat meat!
  • I usually bring really nice chocolates and expensive cheese biscuits and nice cheeses, for example. I have on other occasions brought a veggie tart but I have never been sure if that's the right thing to do - I would be mortified as a host of someone felt they had to bring their own meal!
  • DH did ask me after lunch last year if I'd had enough to eat, but I just mumbled that I'd grab some toast later or something.
  • Foodwise, we are bringing up DD somewhere between me and DH until she is old enough to decide what she wants to eat - so she eats fish and white meat but not red (not that that has stopped MiL feeding her red meat when she has looked after her...)
  • maybe you could call me and DH a bit spineless but I just didn't want to be rude by saying "where's my food?" or seeming upset. If she's being deliberately rude then I will absolutely do something about it but wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt... Sounds like most people think she IS being deliberately horrible though...
OP posts:
Theorientcalf · 23/11/2014 13:36

But why have you never spoken to your DH about it? It's two years in a row!

You do realise now you'll have a bunch of people telling you you're not a proper vegetarian. Wink

Starlightbright1 · 23/11/2014 13:37

You have about 12 pages of people saying YANBU excpet the odd one or two. So what is your next step?