To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

'yabu. You've vegetarian by choice I'm presuming? So it's not that you can't eat anything offered, but that you won't.
That's up to you.'

Vegetarian for 40 years. Eat meat, chicken or fish and I throw up.
Happy Christmas one and all!

TBH the more I think about it I'm not sure I'd be comfortable eating at your MILs after a confrontation, as a veggie you have to have some trust in the person cooking.

I'd probably get DH to remind her subtlety them take something with me unannounced, give her a chance and if there's nothing fetch my own food from the car. Passive aggressive, possibly, but preferable to eating questionable food.

She sounds very spiteful, funny how she 'forgot' the second time round, why you or DH put up with it. If she did do a veggie option, who's nit to say she will not sabotage it. No your fami,y stay at home and have your Christmas at home, he can take dd to his arents later.

I don't get this at all! You really mean to tell me you've sat there silently and not said a word for two years!? That you've not phoned your mil before the day to ask what you should bring as your contribution? Have you just pitched up empty handed? If you've not made any effort to discuss your dietary requirements with her, I'm not surprised you've not been catered for. If I was veggie, I wouldn't dream of going out to dinner and not checking with the host first.. Bizzare behaviour all round imo

See, that's not passive aggressive behaviour to me, it's just practical.
PA would be if MIL had made a crap veggie alternative and I unloaded my hamper rather than eat her offerings. I've chewed my way through many a disaster with a polite smile.

Just take your own food. Much easier.

Well, up to a point. It might need to be stored in the fridge if the OP's party is staying there from Christmas Eve and then there's the issue of ensuring it gets cooked/re-heated in time to be served up with all the other food. More potential points of conflict with the MIL from hell.

I'm getting a picture of a large family party all straining every sinew not to cross the old witch. She rules the roost. She refuses all offers of help as other people will just get in the way. She prepares the Christmas food the way that works for her and to hell with what anyone else might like.

Is that how it is, OP?

I understand that many people find catering for veggies to be a nuisance- I must admit I'd be a bit flummoxed for Christmas because the only vegetarian dishes I've ever done have been things like curry, pasta or roasted Mediterranean veg.

Ever heard of Google?

Have a word with cook. They might be more approachable than your husband.

'Ever heard of Google?'

Or M&S?

Or tescos, asdas, morrisons, sainsbury's - who all have loads of pre made veggie food that can be shoved on a plate next to some veg. Small tin of roast veg, in the corner of the oven, and veggie gravy granules.

Dead fucking simple.

Anyone these days who faints at the thought of feeding a veggie really needs to get themselves a life. It has never been easier.

YANBU

We have dsis and her dp coming to us for Christmas this year and dsis is a vegetarian. She has asked that the potatoes are not cooked in goose fat and we are probably going to do a nut roast for her and also a vegetarian side of some sort of stuffed and baked squash that everybody can have.

It isn't a problem at all. DM however refuses to accomodate dsis in meals, a few weeks ago dsis and her dp went there and DM had made beef casserole. Dsis was give a plate of mash and cabbage !

Your mil sounds very difficult op and if she's really not going to cater for you its probably best to take your own food or just don't go there at all

I woukdent go, the last 2 Christmases mil has treated you awfully, leaving you hungry, and treating you bad. 1st time shame on them, 2nd time shame on you! Why should op bring something with her, she shouldent have to! Op if I were you, tell DH your having Christmas dinner at home as the last 2 times were bad and you were 'forgotten', that you will all come in the late afternoon/evening to open presents. Don't put yourself through tgat a 3rd time op. Be assertive!

Dear HedgePony,

Grow a vagina*, this isn't going to change, your DH isn't going to stand up for you and you are going to be miserable. Your child will learn that grandma treats mummy oddly and she takes it.

Either you brazen it out with your own food, saying loudly in a bright breezy manner that you could see for the last 2 years MiL had struggled to provide a vegetarian option whilst plonking your lovely nut roast down in front of her and family. (Do NOT do this without witnesses)

OR

You refuse point blank to go.

If you go and do nothing, nothing will change.

NoLongerPutsUpWithToxicFamiliesTiggaxx

*not balls, they are soft squishy and hurt when hit

OP - you really need to talk to your DH about it. You've not said anything, so he can pretend to himself it's not a big deal to you, so you aren't being upset, so why upset his mum over something that you aren't bothered about ?

Tell him you were upset last year and the year before, you didn't want to ruin the day, but you aren't looking forward to Christmas and this year. What does he think the best solution to the problem is? Should he talk to his mum and remind her you are vegetarian? Should you offer to bring something with you for you? Or would it be easier to avoid the confrontation and just have lunch at home with the 3 of you then visit them later? Or have the whole day at home and invite them over for boxing day and you'll host.

Make it clear, "doing nothing" isn't an option. Don't just slag off his mum, it's a problem and you would like to know which option to solve it he would like because if you are going to cook for you 3, or getting something in, you'll need to prepare.

Right now, he doesn't know there's a problem to be fixed. It probably is that your MIL doesn't want you there. It's quite clear she's "tolerating" you, not "welcoming" you for Christmas. However, that might be a step too far for your DH to deal with if you've not even pointed out it's a problem for 2 years running.

(And spineless is a horrible trait, but give him a chance to deal with it, if he refuses, I'd stay at home with your DD and let him go off on his own, best she gets used to it early as what christmas is like becuase longer term you will lose respect for your DH and nothing is quite so posionous for a marriage as no respect for your partner)

It's just odd that you'd be flummoxed about catering for a vegetarian when there are so many ready meals that could provide a very simple alternative.
Nothing you'd have to prepare, or even handle.

That's one of the things ready meals are for, so that someone can feel welcome and not an imposition in your home at Christmas.
Rather than the "Oh MY GAWD...What;s she going to eat?' hysterics of my MIL.
Good on you for cooking everything from scratch.
I hate meat, but I'd rather a guest felt comfortable. So I buy something I can pop in the oven without touching flesh. They eat, and we focus in the main point of gathering together at Christmas. Which in our home isn't nit-picking and point-scoring. Which is something I do find stupid.

Personally I can't stand nut roast and would be much happier if presented with a veg curry. I made a spinach and ricotta cannelloni last week and it was bloody good, ( I'm not veggie btw, my parents are). One of the nicest veggie meals I've done was a mushroom and potato curry.

Catering for veggies isn't difficult, and I think it's really rude to host and then not provide. Just don't bother if you can't be arsed.

thing is, there's a halfway point between "microwave junk ready meal" and 'completely prepared from scratch' - and as the OP said her MIL orders everything pre-prepared from waitrose, it wouldn't be much more effort to throw something veggie from the deli counter in your basket while at it.

If you (like the MIL and me, my turkey will be coming ready stuffed and prepped in a foil tray I just have to take the plastic wrapper off ) are happy to do a 'just bung it in the oven' type christmas lunch, then ordering one more thing to do that with is not much effort if you think about all your guests, not just the ones you actually care about.

All you "flummoxed" people ...... unless you are the sort of absolutely-can't-cook-a-thing type, who probably wouldn't therefore host a Xmas dinner of any description ..... I just don't get where you're coming from, and that includes anyone who, for whatever reason has a particular aversion to handling/using any specific ingredient(s).

As others have said, it has never been easier to source literally 100s, if not 1000s of recipes - in English - from all over the world via the net. Using advanced search methods you can exclude any ingredient you don't wish to include and voila, there you are, sorted. Twenty years or so ago when the net was in its infancy then yes, I agree, a guest with dietary requirements might have been more of a challenge if you were unfamiliar with their particular diet - though asking them for ideas would have hardly been rocket science - but now, it's all out there, in spades.

BTW - I'm as far from vegetarian as you like. My veg intake is woeful - but that's completely beside the point of being a good host and extending the same sort of welcome to all your guests. FWIW, each time I've tried goose fat to do roast potatoes they've always turned out disappointing and I get the best results from beef dripping. However, I've also used solid vegetable fat (rather than oil) to do roasties and honestly, the difference in flavour and crispiness compared to dripping is so minimal as to be all but unnoticeable, especially at Xmas dinner when you have a whole array of strong, competing flavours on the plate. If I had a veggie guest, I'd just do the whole lot in solid vegetable fat to avoid 2 trays etc. I also find this "no room in the oven" baffling as whatever meat I cook always comes out at least an hour before I cook potatoes, parsnips, stuffing, sausages etc and covered in foil will still be piping hot (large birds or joints do NOT go cold in an hour). So, I could definitely find room for a comparatively small veggie roast or pastry dish.