To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

I'm despairing at the people on here suggesting that being veggie is just being fussy or a fad diet. And no I'm not vegetarian.

What the fuck kind of marriage do you have where you can't 1- signal with your eyes and facial expressions to your husband as you are served with a plate of peas 2- tell him afterwards if he somehow misses the peas face or 3- insist he does something about it for the following year?

You insist he's a good guy and you are lucky to have him but you have let two Christmas dinners go by being treated appallingly by his mother and you haven't even mentioned it to him? Are you completely intimidated by their wealth or something? Do you not see how rotten this is, not just in her treatment of you but the fact that you can't or won't discuss it with your husband?

Are you an actual doormat?

What does she feed you on NON Christmas days?

Does she cater for anyone else - but gluten etc

It's very rude. It's not difficult to cook something vegetarian separately, even if it's a shop-bought nut roast.

Tell him if he doesn't ensure a veggie option you will book you and dc into a restaurant near your home for Xmas dinner and spend the night watching DVDs, eating chics and a couple of glasses of wine once the dc are in bed, he can do what he likes.

Agreed, they are not upper class. Only insecure social climbers humiliate and sneer at outsiders.

You really must speak to your husband. It is unspeakably rude of them.

We have one vegetarian in our family. She says she is happy eating the vegetables. So I make sure there are lots of vegetables she likes, including cauliflower cheese (with vegetarian cheese) so her plate looks like it has a focus, and also that she gets first grab at everything. And then it isn't mentioned again.

If you speak to him and he won't speak to them, refuse to go. Have something nice at home with your child.

If you speak to him and he speaks to them and you get just peas again, quietly leave with your child.

Do not give them an excuse to mistreat you again. Ignorance is their only possible excuse, so remove it. Offer to bring M&S ping dishes for yourself if they really can't bear to forego the goose fat potatoes (etc).

My MIL can be a complete pita but she always makes sure I have something to eat, even if it means asking me bring something (or choose something from the m&s book).

Time to take a stand, with you MIL and DH.

Why on earth when you were bf didn't you pull Dh to one side and tell him you were bloomin hungry - surely he could have made you a sandwhich

If your hosting a dinner, it is extremly rude not to cater for ALL your guests, and to leave them hungry. I woukd be mortified if my guest had only peas for dinner, unacceptable. Well that wouldent happen, as I woukd ask you what you can eat, and cater accordingly! If you cannot do this, don't invite.

Your DH sounds a wuss, I would have looked on your plate, Oh my hedgepony only has peas, mum where is the rest if her dinner you know she does not eat meat. Come on hedge lets go and find you something to eat, we're going!

So, op, what is the plan? What do you intend to do?

Do they really only have peas on Christmas Day? When I cook (which is generally most years since my mum died) the veggies tend to be the stars on the table - carrots, red cabbage, broccoli, green beans, parsnips and always a cauliflower cheese and mashed and roast potatoes.

But then I'm not a fan of peas unless they are of the mushy variety with fish and chips!

If your DH isn't going to speak up for you, you need to.

Just phone her and say 'about Christmas dinner. Will you be cooking anything I can eat?' If she says yes, ask her what. And tell her that if there is nothing for me to eat again, you'll all be going home.

And take something TalkinPeace style. Spectacular, even if she is cooking something for you. Show her up!

But do not be as emotionally repressed as the rest of them. Stand up for yourself. It doesn't have to be nasty, just direct. Good luck.

Exactly doit you need to be assertive.

DP was sent off to board at eight and is still petrified of his mother. And she has no comprehension of vegetarianism, as well as being dysfunctional in many other ways too. But I don't put up with it, instead I have quietly but persistently got on with creating our own family with its own traditions. DP now takes the children over to see her on Christmas morning while I get on with lunch.

I suspect though that it helps that I do come from the same upper m/c background as him and therefore don't feel like I'm playing catch up.

OP, unless you want your children to grow up just as emotionally repressed as their dad and his family, you are really going to have to learn to be assertive. This doesn't mean confrontational. You have a right to say when you have been reasonably upset by something.

Start by telling your husband how it made you feel to have no food provided for you at Christmas two years on the trot with nobody in the family standing up for your right to be fed a decent meal - and how most of all you were hurt that he didn't look out for you. How he responds to that will be instructive.

Two other points:

1. A lot of people on this thread have insisted that your inlaws can't be upper class because they are rude and selfish. Why on earth not? Upper class is a socioeconomic description, not a synonym for good! Upper class people can be shits just as much as anyone else.

1. I'm baffled by the few people here who regard vegetarianism as an annoying fad which they make a point of ignoring. (I suspect that your MIL is in this category.) Most people are omnivores, not carnivores. Few of us eat meat or fish at every meal. If you put out a good range of dishes, some containing meat, some containing fish, some neither, most people will try a bit of everything. Anyone who chooses not to make sure there is something suitable for a vegetarian is being stupidly stubborn as well as rude, as it really could hardly be easier to do these days.

Eating Chocs not chics

Yes, given the problem, chic(k)s are probably not on the menu!

Chunderella - my dm manages to put a small tray of veggi potatoes in alongside her roasts - just a cake tin size is enough for one or two veggies (me and my bro )

Yes to that, why not to u/c. Of course it's possible to be uncaring about someone who just has peas on their plate. No one is exempt from the ability to be a bad host.

You must have been so hungry. Did you say this to your dh? I'd be saying it quite a lot if I couldn't have food to eat.

One of the first things you do when you decide to host any meal is find out if any guest has a dietary requirement/allergy/intolerance and ensure you accommodate that! Everyone knows and does that. She's purposely being mean. Even the fact she doesn't make you separate roasties cooked in olive oil ffs, it's not hard to get a disposable tray even to do them in. And just getting you a frozen nut roast from the supermarket. At least it's something.

Any normal person would feel horrible for overlooking a guests dietery needs and have them sat there just eating a plate of vegetables.

I remember when I was staying at my best friends house as a teen and his mum decided to make Sunday dinner. She forgot/didn't realise I was a veggie and felt AWFUL because all I could have was Yorkshire puddings and vegetables without gravy. I didn't mind but if she knew she'd have made something separate for sure. It's what you do.

I would take a Tupperware box of sandwiches, eat my veggies then open the butties and offer them round before stuffing my face

She is showing you and everyone present that you are not welcome, as she is refusing to cater for you . Nobody dear disagree with her.

You have to tell your husband how bad this is, how upsetting it is, and that you are not going.

My MIL used to do this, so I brought my own food. The first year that she refused to allow me to have something different, I smiled and chatted, ate nothing and filled up afterwards on the food I'd brought with me in my bag.
The next few years she let me have my alternative, and then...I came and she'd bought a veggie thing from M&S for me.
She wasn't being intentionally evil, it was just that being veggie was alien to her, and like some on this thread, she saw it as faddy and impolite. But then, she was born in 1920. Odd to find those attitudes from younger women.
If you don't want to rock the boat, you need a food stash.
But I'd try bringing your own food, something uncomplicated. Possibly big enough to share if anyone else fancies something different?